ivankiss

Good day. Sticking to my routine was not difficult. Little to no resistance whatsoever, and I was feeling so much better through the entire day. It's funny how I always seem to know exactly what I need to do in order to make myself feel better and get closer to where I wanna be, yet I keep avoiding it, coming up with excuses and procrastinating. A very good example for this is my diet. I new exactly what and how much I should be eating, but I simply don't do it. And when I happen to do, I always feel better afterwards. But then I slip back into my old ways lol. Still, my diet is not to bad right now. Definitely could be eating more fruits, but everything else is balanced quite ok, I'd say. Olya is about to get her period, so she's a bit grumpy and quite distant. In her own bubble. She needs her own time. But even if it's not her period she tends to withdraw quite often. This hot and cold behaviour can be a mindfuck sometimes. In the morning we were all lovey dovey and crazy for each other, and when I came home we were more or less just roommates lol. Still, she tried today, I can tell. She cleaned up the apartment, rearranged some stuff, groomed herself well and then put on a new sexy outfit for me. It was very hot. But the sex was a bit off. We were not that connected really. We kinda stopped mid way and decided to take a break. We should finish the deed a bit later lol. Maybe watch some movie and then fall asleep. I kinda wanna teach her a game with cards that I bought today, but I'm not sure if today is the right day for that. Anyways, everything is checked on my list. All that is left is a short meditation session before bed. All is well.

Texted her this from work. She's waiting for me at home. It's so good to know that I have someone to come home to. I really appreciate her. Sometimes we trigger the crap out of each other, but I know it's no coincidence. It's all for a higher cause. Growth, expansion, love.

Meditation was ok. My mind is super messy in the mornings. I'm barely in my body. I definitely need this routine to ground me and make me more centred. Thoughts were not too loud, but they were persistent and all over the place. What seems to help the most is the breath of fire. That usually does the trick. It makes it easier to shift awareness from thought to breath/being. Had a short little fight with Olya last night. We just disagree on so many things. Our worldviews are super opposing. We're both very strongly opinionated and tend to be stubborn. But she's often much more judgemental and close minded. So yeah, if we're not careful, considerate and polite, we can end up triggering the crap out of each other. Sometimes it's kinda fun, other times its rather nasty. Anyhow, we calmed down quickly and fell asleep cuddling. Morning sex was great. Going for a walk/sprint now.

Everything is running smoothly so far. This relationship thingy is a bit overwhelming at times, but other than that, there's really not a single thing I worry about. My new routine, which is not fully integrated just yet but I plan on sticking to it religiously in this phase, looks something like this: - Meditation/breathwork - Journal - Walk + 100m sprint - Stretching - Weight lifting - Plank - Breakfast + protein shake - Work - Lunch - Rest - Music - Market analysis/Trading - Reading - Stretching - Weight lifting - Plank - Dinner + protein shake - Meditation/breathwork - Journal

Taking a short breather and then coming back to it with more force and love. Excited about working on a new track. This first one was kinda challenging. I had to figure out a lot of stuff. And now that it's all figured out, all I have to do is keep writing and recording. I'll try to better my mixes, bit by bit with each new song. Mostly I really ned better samples. Been thinking a lot about vocals too and that's something that will take some more experimentation and playing around. I have a good feeling about it all.

@Loop Great! We'll be in touch!

That's my main goal. Thanks! Appreciate it! I thought a lot about vocals, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to include them sooner than later. Wasn't feeling like this song really needed them. I did not feel a pull towards singing over it. I also hear you on background ambient stuff. Definitely something to consider. Thanks! And hey, synthesizer, huh? That's cool. Would love to collaborate at some point. Thanks! I used Waveform 11. Been making music (more seriously) for around 12 years.

@Phil Thank you! Means a lot! Vocals coming soon, most likely 😀

New project, new sound. Hope you enjoy 🙂❤️

And here it is! My new single is finally out there!

She's doing god knows what behind my back. Plenty of signs. Plenty of red flags. Yesterday she got thrown out of her apartment because she's just a bit too much to be dealt with. Of course I said she can stay at my place until she figures her stuff out. It's just how I am. Everything is working out perfectly, right? I'm going to be cheated on, lied to and stabbed in the back, right? But it's all fine. It's all for the higher good.

If you're lost, the answer is education. If you're educated, the answer is execution. If you're executing, the answer is consistency. Even when it doesn't seem like it, there's always a next step forward.

Your maximum potential isn't doing the most work humanly possible each day. It's not about trying to capitalize on every single moment of every single hour, thinking you can bullet-journal and morning-routine into a robotic state of perfect functioning. You are a human being. Your maximum potential is creating a life that is peaceful and meaningful to you. It is doing less, but better.

@Loop Nice, thanks! I'm a big fan of Addictive Drums 2.0. Would love to get the full library. Used to have it back in the day, but I lost everything. Superior Drummer 3 is quite appealing too. Planty of great sounding VSTs out there. Now I'm using MTpowered drumkit, and given that it's free it sounds really good. But it's just not on that 'pro level'. Will see.

As always, life happened, so looks like my idea of releasing the song before new year's is not going to work out. I'd rather wait a few more days than rush into things and make stupid little mistakes. Had a nice night with Olja yesterday. Some friction again, but it wasn't too bad. Had a drink or two, so I actually kinda enjoyed playing those little games of push and pull. I'm trying to enjoy this as much as I can. But I cannot deny it hurts here and there.

Drums could sound better. It would elevate the quality of the entire mix. But I made the best of what I had available. I worked with free VSTs only. And they're clearly not the best sounding samples out there. Will put my hands on something better soon. Bass could sit in the mix a bit better, but even if it's stays like this, it's ok. I cannot say the mix sounds bad, but it's not absolutely perfect. Which makes sense. I'm writing, recording, producing, mixing and mastering all on my own, with minimal equipment. Of course it cannot sound as if it was recorded under pro conditions. I think I did the best I could. And it's only going to get better in time. All I need now is a nice cover art to go with the single. Probably going to play with AI a bit.

I don't like what she's doing. I don't like it one bit. That's just the truth. I don't like plenty of stuff about her. But I am tolerating it, for now. I am tolerating it for my own selfish reasons. And maybe also because I am a compassionate, understanding and loving guy. But mostly because I want to satisfy my needs. That's just how it is. Trying to act like it's not, or force myself to see, feel and think about things differently, would be bullshit. Falsehood. Deception. I don't know what's going to happen and that's scaring the crap out of me. I want her, I don't want her, and yeah, it's all very confusing. It is what it is. I just want to be as true as I can be. Towards myself and her. I think so far I managed to communicate to her all this pretty clearly. So I guess I can sleep peacefully. I'm fucked up, she's fucked up, and we're just gonna have to roll with this. Until we won't anymore. All is well.

And that's it. The track is done. If everything goes right I should be releasing it tomorrow or the day after that. I really want to release it before new year's eve. I want this song to stay in this 'old year' and then start fresh 'next year'. It's symbolic. It makes sense that way. I'm very happy with it. But I'm also kinda tired of it already. Listened to it way too many times haha! Eager to start working on a new track. I'm back in the game! Finally! Feels like I slept for centuries. Still unable to truly comprehend that this is really happening. I made it!

Intense few days behind me. Had our first 'serious fight' with Olja. It wasn't nice. The issue was about her hanging out with all those guy 'friends' who want to get into her pants. Partying, drinking, etc. She loves all that attention, loves to flirt, but supposedly wants only me. I don't trust her fully. I'm really not ok with all this. I was ready to end it all, but somehow we turned things around. She pretty much begged me. We didn't really solve anything, but we agreed to focus on having a good time during Christmas. And it was beautiful. We spent two more days at my place, barely leaving the bed. Took some MDMA last night. It was magical. There is something insanely magnetic here. Sexual energy is ridiculously strong. Making love to her is just incredible. But I am really worried about all this other stuff. I doubt I can get over all that. She's just not the kind of a person I could take too seriously and plan a future with. At least that's how I feel for now. Maybe that changes, maybe she changes or moderates things... I don't know. I'm willing to stick around just a bit longer and see where this is going, I guess. It's painful at times, but I guess the good still outweighs the bad. And yeah, I'm definitely hooked to that sex. Cannot deny that. I'm aware that I'm kinda playing with fire here. I hope I won't burn myself too much.

Alright. I'm deep in this new chapter of mine. I think it's time to start writing about everything again. It is super exciting, to say the least. I got a great job a solid month ago. I really could not ask for more. I can hardly imagine landing anything better in this field. My boss is super nice, friendly and kind. The money is good. Work is quite chill. Everything is well organized. I'm happy with it all. My goal is to keep working here till October and save up to 10K. Then I would maybe take out a mortgage of another 20K and use some of that money for moving expenses and other investments that I have in mind. The rest I would put into a savings account. Somewhere else it might not be big money, but where I currently am, it's a very decent amount. It's the equivalent of having up to 100K in America or Australia, for example. The general idea and vision is still the same. I want to move to Amsterdam next fall and build a life from scratch there. Things are looking great with music so far. I pretty much finished the first track. Took me solid two months to write and record everything. It was a very big step. I came up with a completely new style and sound. It was challenging, but I feel like I really accomplished what I had in mind. I love how it sounds. I feel like this style mirrors me and where I currently am very well. Doing some final polishing these days and then I am finally releasing the track. Super excited about it. Still seeing Olja. Things are... bitter sweet. There are challenges, there are things I struggle to digest... mainly when it comes to her party girl and overly flirtatious side. Her 'dark past' too. Quite a few things are still unresolved and unhealed. Haunting her. But the love is there, definitely. I cannot deny that. We are spending a lot of time together, and more often than not it's quite magical. Things are kinda starting to get serious. And that's both scary and exciting. Just last night she brought up the matter of her joining me on my path and moving to Amsterdam with me. She wants to be a part of my future goals, she says. She wants to plan a life together, etc. I still have to reconsider all this. It's quite fresh. I cannot unsee those red flags that she's waving at me... but supposedly she's willing to work on that stuff and really wants to commit. So yeah... we'll see how that goes. Trying not to get too attached and lost in this. All in all, things are looking freaking great. There are challenges, ups and downs, but I am definitely on track. I'm actually doing it. I'm pulling it off. Just have to continue doing what I'm already doing, no matter what. F yes!

You will never rest Until the stars burn out My day is done I love the sound of no one coming by Tomb beneath the trees The name unsung The darkness in the cracks I am not what you have waited for Trust Nothing is enough This hunting ground I need the freedom to control my own I need the sound of rain Wearing dependence down The line must be kept so thin To live near life Not within No need to take the test Before the dark must shine Reflect my eyes And strip this creation of mine Tomorrow is so long The dead end king is here Black wings upon his back

@Serenity That was beautifully written, thank you. Brought tears to my eyes last night when I read it, but again, I did not allow myself to go "all the way". Today I felt a lot again. It was quite intense. I don't know why I fear so much to let this out. It's like I'm hitting a brick wall. It feels so big. I'm afraid where it could take me. I resonate a lot with what you said. I know I'm not the only one going through this. We all have our reasons, but feelings are the same. I'm not arrogant all the time... far from it. But lately I've been noticing those tendencies showing up frequently. I feel so behind... Like I did not do enough. Like I'm not enough. I know it's ultimately not true, but it's just how I feel. Perhaps knowing that is precisely what's preventing me from fully experiencing this and releasing it. Even if it's not absolutely true, it's true to me when I feel it. I should not explain it away or bypass it. Yes, all is one and all is well, and yes I can also sometimes feel like crap. Oneness is not less One if I'm feeling hollow and broken. Much love and respect to you.

@Serenity Thank you. That makes sense. I noticed a lot of pride, cockiness, arrogance and grandiosity in me. I'm trying to hover above things and act as it's all beneath me... Like I'm bigger and stronger than I actually am. Like I'm more than I actually am. When in fact, I feel so small and worthless inside. Yes, God is infinite and almighty, but I don't think that's where I'm at now... What I need is humility. I want to be humbled and stripped of all these delusions of grandeur, but I am also scared to death of it. "Look at me now, I'm a man who won't let himself be..."

I don't even know why, really... Maybe because of everything that transpired , maybe for no reason at all... There's just this weight on my heart that I really want to release. But for some reason, I'm afraid to do so. Best I got these days was a few tears. Some gentle weeping. I quickly stopped myself and "sucked it up." I don't know why. I was afraid of letting it completely take over. I feel like I need to truly cry my heart out. For quite some time. To just let it all come out. Without holding back. Sad music could do the trick and trigger stuff in me. But again, I think there's something else here. It's like I'm avoiding it, distracting myself and numbing it all down, while simultaneously craving that release. I caught myself judging it as something stupid, weak, unreasonable and unnecessary... And I know that's all bs. Crying is good and healthy. What do I do?

There must be a way to communicate these kinds of things without sounding like a complete lunatic. Seeing what Leo's doing makes me feel ashamed to ever say out loud that I am a member of the community. And to be honest, I'm not sure about other spiritual circles, either. There just seems to be so much bullshit involved. Consciousness is simple. Why do we make things seem so freakin' out there and crazy?