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Blessed2
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Posts posted by Blessed2
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17 minutes ago, James123 said:
How do you know?
I don't know. That's why I'm asking. 😁
17 minutes ago, James123 said:Who thought you?
Nobody. Everyone is talking about temptation, but no-one seems to actually clearly define it.
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☝️
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Day 41.
2 x 25 minutes done.
Walk done.
Workout done.
I'm drinking today. 😕
Again it just took hold and I lost.
But I'm hopeful cause next week I will see professionals. I'm actually waiting for that.
Appreciating this forum.
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There's a strong craving to drink today / right now. I'm pretty sure I can't fight it off and that I will drink.
It's just that today seems to be so pointless. There is nothinhg fun to do. There is nothing to enjoy.
I'd like to watch a movie and eat a good meal or something, but tha thought of doing that feels like pessimism if there is no alcohol. It's just boring to watch a movie. It's like I need dopamine or pleasure.
I really wouldn't want a hangover or waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety and the sweats though. But the craving to have some pleasure now, to not feel this pessimism and boredom is so strong that I'm still planning to drink.
The good news is that I'll be seeing a therapist next week and I will bring this up there. I want to take steps to end this.
But today... I don't know what to do. I'm alone, there is nowhere to go to stay away from drinking.
There would be a Paul Hedderman talk later today but... This urge is just so strong. The thought of not drinking feels so horrible that I'm not really even considering keeping sober today.
At least I'm journaling I guess. And I meditated.
It's hard to pinpoint what emotion it is that I'm experiencing. Pessimism?
Worry might be closer.
Anger. I am experiencing the emotion anger.
I am experiencing the emotion discouragement.
I am experiencing the emotion blame.
I am experiencing the emotion worry.
I am experiencing the emotion doubt.
I am experiencing the emotion disappointment.
I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment.
I am experiencing the emotion impatience.
I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.
I am experiencing the emotion boredom.
I am experiencing the emotion contentment.
I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness.
I am experiencing the emotion optimism.
I am experiencing the emotion eagerness.
I am experiencing the emotion passion.
I am experiencing the emotion joy.
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1 hour ago, Orb said:
I also don't see why fat people can't just stop eating so their bodies can burn off all the fat, after all fat is just stored energy waiting to be used. Whenever I bring up this simple solution I hear a million excuses lol.
If what they say are excuses, then what do you think is the real reason they don't stop?
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I wonder what people did before TVs, computers and smartphones.
Like if you felt tired, what was there to do while sitting or lying down except reading a book?
Nowadays it's easy to spend an entire day just sitting or lying down, not walking much.
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24 minutes ago, Phil said:
You can actually ‘turn around and have a peek’, just not in the colloquial visual / seeing yourself with eyeballs manor.
Not in conceptual knowledge manor either. You can't know what you are because you are already being what you are.
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It's really just the assumption that you can know what you are.
But you can't actually turn around and have a peek at what you are.
Neither can God.
There just isn't self-knowledge. Or self-awareness.
"I am infinite consciousness." Nope.
Turning around & having a peek at what you are just never happens. Free falling forever.
God might actually be just a projection of the assumption of self-knoweldge or self-awareness.
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On 4/13/2024 at 8:11 PM, Rose said:
It is probably due to the damage of actualized.org as well, but for many years I’ve been using spiral dynamics to judge people - my stage blue family.. my stage orange coworkers, my stage green feminist/activist friend who seems to only be that way because it’s convenient for her.. bla bla bla
It seems like there are other people who are at different stages because there is a belief that you are a person on a stage.
When you look at a tree, there is basically no judgement there. You don't look at a tree and go "that's another person". But when you look at a human face, there is that thought "other person". Cuz you think you're a human person.
The belief that you are a person comes with extra toppings of being a knower, a haver of biases, a haver of fears, a haver of motives, a haver of responsibility, being a subject to guilt and shame etc.
"I should be this/that, I'm not good as I am, I need to be better" etc. Those thoughts feel very discordant and so they are projected to/as "other".
On 4/13/2024 at 8:11 PM, Rose said:my stage green feminist/activist friend who seems to only be that way because it’s convenient for her
This is some judgement of yourself which is projected.
It's not a bad thing, but a good thing cause it offers a spotlight on what you can love, enjoy and feel better about in yourself.
If you'd unconditionally allow and support her in whatever she's doing or thinking, regardless of why you think she's doing it / what her motives, reasons or intentions are, what things would you feel better about in yourself? What would you allow and love in yourself that you are currently judging and suppressing?
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7 hours ago, Mandy said:
It's just as much the auto industry. 😬
And TVs, computers and smartphones.
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It's actually quite insane to believe that you should do stuff like quit drugs, create change, succeed in this or that by your own power.
With that belief, quitting drugs, creating change and working for success becomes the last fucking thing you want to do or focus on.
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Day 40.
2 x 25 minutes done.
Still resting. Better safe than sorry. Tomorrow will continue with the exercise.
No drinking.
Getting close to the end of the challenge. Only 5 days left.
Even though it will fucking suck, the next challenge is going to be 2 x 30 minutes.
The goal is 2 x 60 minutes in 2025.
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I took about 5g bit by bit. Basically 1g, check how it feels, then another etc.
Experienced a breakthrough, and after that quite literally just descended into madness and delusions. 😂 Took an ambulance ride to a hospital. Then spiraled down into psychosis and spent some time in psych ward and took antipyschotics. Then slowly started to unravel and maybe in a year started to feel better.
Might actually be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
🍄: "Hello there!" *smashes your head into pieces with a sledgehammer*
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The past couple of days there has been something new happening.
There has been lots of anger / rage moments. Small things my girlfriend says might make me angry for example. She has noticed this change too. I wonder what it is. Maybe quitting the antidepressants? Maybe meditation?
Another thing is that this weird ambition is bubbling up. Seeing successful people talk about their achievements bubbles up an ambition in myself. "I want that too." Sort of a fire under my butt. "I got this one life and I want to get what I want."
The question of bravery and fighting for it vs. running and hiding from dreams and ambitions seems to be getting prominent.
Kind of Stage Orange sort of thing.
Hmm. I also notice some remorse about wasting so much time. And that I half-assed my high school studies. I coulda been a doctor or something, if I had put in the work then.
There's also doubt. What if I want to be a doctor (for example)? Could I actually do it, could I learn enough to pass the exams to such school if I tried?
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Day 39.
2 x 25 minutes done.
Not really sick anymore, but still resting.
No drinking.
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This might be where the dreamboard becomes handy.
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I just woke up and pretty much the first thought that came in mind was discordant.
Basically, every morning I wake up into a day where I need to constantly keep watch and meet specific conditions.
Like for example, nicotine. I have to take nicotine. If I don't, I feel miserable, I completely break down. If I didn't get it, I couldn't sleep, I'd get panic attacks, I'd feel immense rage. I wonder if I would get through that alive. Truly. I would probably experience such intense suicidal ideation.
Not only nicotine. I also have to take medications, because if I don't, I'd get such intense withdrawal that I would break down from that too.
I need to constantly be on a look-out, constantly keep watch.
And I feel stuck. Like there is no way out of this.
I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair.
If I spend something like even 3-6 hours without nicotine, I start to experience really intense craving, and it's like my mind, brain and nervous system goes into a weird, foggy state. It's almost like feeling drunk. It even affects my sense of balance.
There is just so much addictions & compulsions and suppression. Social media, nicotine, food, alcohol, antidepressants, caffeine, sexual pleasure, shopping.
How could I get rid of all that?!
I bash myself about all of them... I should quit. But it's just so uncomfortable.
I wonder what would happen if I'd try to spend an entire day without doing any of that. Basically, just sit without any distractions, without doing anything (except exercise) and only eat the loophole shake or other vegetable food.
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On 4/2/2024 at 3:04 PM, Blessed2 said:
What-you-are-not claims what-you-are as an experience or knowledge a you has or gains, in time.
The Parable of the Sower
“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.”
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The Seed is your dream.
The Good Soil is rest, diet, exercise, daily meditation and expression/opening up, and accepting help.
The Bedrock on which the Good Soil sits on is the recognition you can't (and are not supposed to) do it by yourself, by your own power.
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Day 38.
2 x 25 minutes done.
Getting better but still resting. Had a little walk outside though.
No drinking.
Meditation was nice.
❤️
I'm planning on starting a gym membership soon. Probably next week. I want to get active.
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Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is an autistic INFJ BPD sigma Pisces female with anger and CPTSD issues to enter the kingdom of God.
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I was reading the Bible today and noticed that the "I am that I am" thing is numbered 3:14, Exodus.
That number felt peculiar, somehow familiar. What came in mind is that lots of people often say they suddenly wake up exactly around 3AM. That 3:14 is something you see on a clock quite often, and it's usually spiritually meaningful or synchronistic.
I'm lying in bed right now, and am not quite feeling tired. So I took the phone, and there was an odd feeling and somehow my eyes traveled to the clock with a weird sense of anticipation. 3:14.
And the date is 4/15. 🤔
Edit: I googled "bible 4:15" and this is what showed up first:
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
Right before all this I wrote in the expression journal: "Stop seeking, stop waiting, start expressing."
😂
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Stop seeking
Stop waiting
Start expressing
What is temptation?
in The Path
Posted
That makes sense.
"I shouldn't" conveys or assumes that there would be a separate self having a separate will. Maybe only after that assumption it may seem as if there's temptation.
There's always what? THERE'S ALWAYS WHAT?!??!