Starlight

I feel satisfied today

Today I was at a lake swimming and in nature. I even was little bit hiking and amazed how good I could walk despite of the arthrosis in my feet. I met a strange woman and we just had a nice time and fun together and picked up some leaves for tea. I also found wild berries which were super and I plan to go pick some more up on monday. I also did some yoga and right now I'm listening to nice music. I feel appreciation for all these things that happened. I appreciate the tiredness too because it shows me that I need to rest and there are things that I can change to feel better and fitter.

Today was a nice day. there is a lot of unclarity and tiredness though. First I started out feeling annoyed because I went to the park and the girl I was doing yoga with forgot to call off our pratice appointment but fortunately I texted her that I was late and she replied emmediately and told me so I hadn't gone all the way there. Therefore I enjoyed myself at a lake swimming and doing yoga there. At the lake I met a russian woman (in her forties) and we chilled out for a few hours and had fun. After that we had been hiking for an hour through the forest and she showed me some wild leaves to make tee and picked up wild berries. It was nice to enjoy her company for the most times. She also accompanied me for a part of the way home. During our time in the tram she came up with some wacky conspiraciy theories and had some very of feeling opinions though, therefore a was fairly lucky when we parted ways again 😙 It was very a pleaseant experience. Let's start empytying: I feel annoyed because I'am super tired and I ate lunch at 7:15 pm and have to wait until I can take my medication. I also reverted back to the old medication even though it's not the best but at least I will have more clarity to get into a better state and feel the feelings until the pressure lessens. I feel frustrated because I feel so much pain in my head. I just noticed that the pain changes slightly when I shift the attitude towards it and I remember that the "negative" comments are part of this feeling in a loop. I feel bored right now and plop, I remember that feeling is now and I feel better and better. 👍and there is the feeling of hope to feel better and better and I can relax a bit and I also remember the nice things I want to do like practicing some kashakas and look for furniture for my apartment and listening to some cool music and have some nice thoughts.I feel eager to to the things I like and enjoy some soft ice. I feel eager for tomorrow and the activity I'm going to with somebody. I feel appreciation this day, this forum, my plants and flowors and I know it's ok. I feel even loved. When the thoughts change the energy returns and I feel happy and joy. I feel empowered to do things and create my life. 😁 It's strange how the word can can change within a short time. I'm now aware that this is a story I created in my mind or even I don't know who created it.

Positive things that happened today. I've helped my friends moving to a different town and it felt good to help and give something for back and I appreciate that. It was also nice because I like her dog and her boyfriend. His friends who were helping were also cool and I was astonished how easy it was have smalltalk and have some fun and I noticed that I want such easy folks around me and more buddies to have conversations and fun. I also had a conversation with a stranger and it was nice. It was good to get out of my head for some time. I also did some chanting and meditating in a temple and that felt good, too. Also yesterday was a good day. I was in a different buddhist temple I hadn't been for 7 months and decided to get more in touch with the german community and wholesome people. There we had a dhamma talk and it was quite nice.

It's time for emptying. I feel quite bad. I made my state worse and I think that I've found the problem. I've also found out that thinking about it adds on to it or making it a problem. I feel angry that I made my state worse while not being aware of it. That sucks a lot. But I don't want to make me more angry about it or else I get more stressed and being less able to sleep. I feel worried about this and my health. I feel disappointed about myself and the whole situation. It's quite overwhelming. I feel annoyed by it and its frustrating to do this all over again. I see the whole thing very pessimisticly. I feel bored and tired. Now I come to the present moment and I feel ok and I know that I've been stuck in a negative loop and there is a way out. I feel happy when I look around and see all these things I can do. Tomorrow I plan to go to the lake. This will be fun.

Today I did some yoga in a garden and after an appointment I went to the gym and did something for my health. There were moments where I could just let the future go and don't hurry

My mind got even number today. Last night I woke up quite a few times. I had some PTSD nightmares and slept only little. The medication sucks and my feelings and thoughts are numbed by the medication which is shit because the pain remains and I can't listen to the thoughts and understand. So I feel quite depressed. I feel depressed because I barely sleep and not deep and because I feel overstressed. It makes me feel helpless. I feel guilty for not doing enough about this situation. I envy peoole who can just relax and sleep in all day long. I'm also jealous for people who get more support from their friends. I want to feel loved and cared for. I hate this situation. It makes me angry to fight all the time. I wish I could stop it. That feels quite discouraging. It's discouraging to be in this state and not finding a good solution. I blame the change of medication for making things worse. I also blame myself for not being able to relax. Oh yeah, I also blame life itself for being this way. I worry about my condition a lot because otherwise I could have a much better time and the power to do the things I like and want to do. There are so many things I have to keep in check. Several areas of health, my apartment, my career and my plants. I worry that it might get worse. I doubt that I will get out of this easily. I'm also not sure whether I will sleep this day better. Let's grab the next feeling. I feel disappointed of this summer. A few weeks ago everything seemed alright and I even successfully finished my therapy and I could let go of that stuff and focus on life and now a big step backwards. The whole situation is just overwhelming. It's annoying. I feel frustrated from doing this again. Also from being so reactive. I acknowledge that this is all pessimistic thinking and it feels that way. I try to come to this moment and I feel bored by it. I feel better now. There are pleasebt vibrations in my feet. The headache remains though. That gives me some hope about the situation. Maybe I'll sleep better this night and slowly come out of it. Tomorrow I will do sth pleasent. Maybe I'll visit a friend. I also plan to paint a picture if I have some time. I appreciate my friends, this forum and the tea I bought today.

I feel right disappointed and angry right now. I have changed my medication because I slept less due to the stress last week but fron the medication I feel quite numb and unclear. I don't feel my emotions and I hate it. It's like all the mindfullness work I've done the last 2 years were obliterated within a few hours. I've taken some medication earlier but right now this is crap. The problem I see in that is that I'm more acting out unhealthy beheavor patterns. It sucks not seeing ones thoughts. I also feel angry because when I felt better I invited friends for lunch and this is the last chance to do so because they're moving away next week and I promised it. I feel overstressed and have the desire to rest. My feeling is telling me do less and put your health first. It's making me angry when I don't do that. Doing this and not knowing what I want or which way is up is tremandously discouraging. I feel discouraged because I have so many things to do an no energy. I feel disencouraged from all the fighting and having so many thoughts about what has to be done. I feel discouraged from running in circles and not knowing what to do. A thought comes to mind that the state can't see beyond the state. I worry about whether my guests will be pissed off when they come and the food isn't ready on time. I worry about if I can clean my apartment on time and if not what my guest might think about me. The amount of stress and worry is also concerning. the instability and lack of sleep trouble me, too. I doubt the visit of my friends is a good thing, particuliarly because the guy has adhs and this might stress me some more. I doubt that I'll find a way out. I doubt myself and I'm not sure if I can see and do what is right for me. It sucks not fullfilling ones expactations and I have so many. It seems that the worries are my expactations. I feel disappointed because it's not going as I planned. Life disappoints me. I feel also disappointed for not knowing what's good for me. It is painful to see that. I wish life would be easier. It's irritating to be in this state and not being more mindful. I feel frustrated for doing this over and over again. It's also frustrating that I barely notice my thoughts and feelings. It's annoying to feel the hangover from the medication. I want to feel better. My attitude is very pessimistic. I'm looking around and feel boredom. It's boring to do the same things again and again. Now contentment arises. It's good to feel better and I noticed it's not that bad. I see that I can handle things and maybe it's gonna be alright. I notice that all this internal conflicts are what robs the energy. Also wanting to improve things creates pain

The positive things from yesterday. Yoga was nice. In the park I also bumped into the guy who showed me the kashaka shaker and that motivated me to practice it again and so I did afterwards. Well and I did some gardening. I like my plants and it's nice to chill out on the balcony.

After this beautiful day I feel quite good. There are some thoughts that feel discordant but it's ok. I'm looking forward to meeting the yoga girl tomorrow. Let's see what's gonna happen. Oh, worry about this night comes up right now. I feel doubt about making up for the sleep. I doubt this will be an relaxing night. Now I feel disappointment because I started worrying. It's annoying to start this again. I feel frustrated because my mind grabbed that thought. I also feel impatience because I want to feel better and then go to sleep and I feel tired. To think this way feels quite pessimistic. Boredom comes up. And back again at contentment. I start to feel optimistic because I feel better right now. If I do this often enough it will vome more easily I think. I'm looking forward to my bed now. I appreciate myself for making the "effort' to change direction

@PhilThx my man! I really appreciate that👊

I've come to the conclusion that I need an extra journal to express the positive things and taking note of them. Maybe I'll read through them as a remider. The other one is going to be more focused on expresding feeling and the emotional scale. I hope that everyone is cool with me making a seperate journal. :) Today what positive happened was that it came to mind to get in a holyday mindset and just enjoy the time some more. I also listened to my feelings when I saw when it became to much. I also listened what the thoughts tried to "tell" me and be understandle and it made sense. After university I went to a quiet lake and it felt amazingly good to swim and being in nature. I enjoyed the time and then I had an nice meditation where I turned inward and inward. After that I went to a park juggling a bit and there I met a family with a toddler and he was totally fascinated by the moving juggling balls and I his father had some juggling experience and we talked about it. After that I did a little yoga round and met a guy who was doing juggling with a devil stick and taught me a little how to play it and we exchanged oppinions about tech stuff and creativity and maybe we're gonna chill out some time. This was a great day. Oh yeah and in between in the train where was a letting go to feeling and it became incredible pleasent in magnitudes that are almost indescribeble and I rode that for half an hour or so and felt so good that I didn't care what others think. That was putting feeling first. So that was very beautiful 😊 mucho apreciacion 💚

Thx for the comment. Unfortunately I can't get access to the video from my country. Maybe you can tell me the title and I'll find it another way 😊 I appreciate this beautiful little lake on the picture =)

Ohh holy shit. I don't know exactly what's happening but I feel soo darn good. I've been at the lake for a swim and then I meditated and appreciated the momebt and then in the train letting go happened and it feels soo f. good, almost like a cosmic orgasm, just out of the blue. Just like a wave between tension and good feeling, vibrating. This is better than sex and it's ok. Might be because I put feeling first today. See ya later✌

Good morning :) I slept far better this night. I've noticed that it feels good giving things up. Yesterday the report and last weekend the date. It's like bricks falling off of my bag. It has a good taste and I want more of it. I think this letting go is the same as when you do dating a lot or dealing with people in general until the point where you've given up trying to impress the other person.

My day actually was good even though I'm too tired to write a lot. I feel overstressed from the work in my report. I finally acknowwedged that it makes things worse, so I stopped the work. After I made the decision I feel better and it's ok. I saw that I do and think many things that stress me out. I want to do more things which help me relax and get on a better trajectory. I feel annoyed because I didn't stop earlier but this is a first step to putting health on the first place. I noticed that there is a pattern where I force far to much and this makes me feel frustrated. I want to allow it more to come on its own accord. I acknowledge that I focus on too many negative thoughts and I feel the discord. I give attention to this moment and I become more aware and calm. I feel bored. Now I feel ok. I see that when there is a reaction due to resistance to thought a chain of pessimistic thoughts starts. At this moment I feel good. It feels good to feel better and I see that it's alright and I remember that feeling is in the now and not a thought hehe. That's an optimistic thought. I can always feel better and it's actually quite easy. I'll find a good solution for more studying and maybe I'll go to a lake for a swim after university. Maybe I'll sleep better this night. I'll do something that makes me happy and enjoy myself more and I intend taking better care for myself and listen to myself. I want to feel passionate about my life. I appreciate my friends who support me and with who I have had beautiful experiences.

Almost none sleep last night. :(

Today I feel exhausted. I thought I've given up the lab report for good but today after yoga I felt energized and went to the library to work on it and wrote a good part. It felt good to work on it and I wish I had mord time to finish it, but two days are too little and my state of mind unclear so my sentences don't sound sophisticated at all and I'm way slower than usual. But I also have to take into account that there is stuff I have not had yet and the other students studying fulltime already had, so I've got to learn that extra. With the report I'll do what I can and if it doesn't work out I'll deal with the emotions when they come. It feels more fullfilling doing the work than waiting for better times to come. I feel a bit annoyed because I work so slow and my state of mind confused. I feel frustrated being so tired. I want to be able to sleep like a baby being able to deeply relax. It's frustrating not having a partner. I feel also frustrated because I have a focus on pessimistic thoughts and don't see the good stuff that happens in my live. That makes me feel bored. Ok I've got contact with feeling and feelig content. That feels good and gives rise to hope that I'll get easier to feel good and that my live is managable. I think that I'll have a better night this night. I feel happy I did the work i did today. I actually want to be more involved in it.

I feel soo pessimistic right now. I sleep very little last night and spent 3.5 hours writing my report and couldn't concentrate and I'm very tired the whole day. I'm so exhausted right now. I hope I can sleep better this night. I've only 3 days left and with this lack of cencentration and energy I highly doubt to get it done. I need rest and less stress. I'm doubting the whole thing. I wish I could have some back up. But for them working is all that counts. They don't understand my situation and why I can't just work more. I've already asked them in other situations when I was heavily depressed and overstressed and they just said I should do it anyways and what would the people say. I might have noticed a pattern. I overly stress myself. Then I get in old toxic thinking patterns and stress myself some more and thenI try to releave myself with distraction and it grows and grows. I think that it is unrealistic to finish my report on time. I have neither the time nor the energy. That's bitter. I liked the work. I'll take the lessons and move on. I feel an enormous pain in my head. I feel disappointed about that this didn't work out and losing 1/3 of my credic points this half year. I feel disappointed because my plans didn't work out I feel that I disappointed others. People often ask me about my career and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel disappointed that I haven't got a good job and still working on my career and that not so stress tolerant as others. It's frustrating to have to work harder than most people and most of them seem not to care. It's frustrating to compare myself with others. I feel annoyed because of my lack of sleep and stress level. I want to relax and have a good night. I want to focus more on other things. When I reread this post I can't overlook the pessimism and it feels way off. I'm more in the moment now and feel bored. I yeah, feeling better is a thought and I can't feel better because feeling isn't a thought. I also resisted my thoughts. Maybe it will get better and better and I'll sleep more again this night and focus on the other stuff I like. It's ok. It feels good to feel better. I'm happy to be here. I want to express myself. Maybe I'll paint an image. Maybe I'll find something I really passionate about. Maybe I try sth in the social area. I'm thankful for this website and and getting a positive outlook again. I appreciate the strawberries I got. Those were the sweetest I tried for years. I acknowledge that this feels empowering and I can do something. So have a good night.

I appreciate the improvement of my physical health and the beauty of sunsets

Today was a good day. I worked at my lab report and it went pretty well and I'm optimistic to get it done on time. I also did some yoga and went to the gym afterwards. I see that doing sport feels very good and I needed that. I'm happy to experience this day. Then I had a very calm meditation. I have noticed the difference between now and a year ago. A little bit more than a year ago it wasn't possible to be that active because of my disability and it has become way better. Well, I've also 2 operations since to improve my feet and it was worth it. In my head I'm still used to think I was that disabled. It's amazing that my life has changed that much. 3,5 years ago I had an accident and spent almost 11 months in a wheel chair and and a year after more with only 1.5 miles a day being able to walk and 7 operations altogether. I went back to a normal life step by step. Back then this seemed almost impossible and I acknowledge the dramatic change for the better. Most of us forget that walking is a gift. Being alive is a gift. 🙏 There is still pain and arthorisis but I've noticed that being negative increases the pain manyfold. So, the answer to that seems clear. There are so many things I like I can do again like juggling, music, yoga, walking, riding bicle, going to the gym, jogging small distances, dancing, socialising. 😚😚 And I'm studying again. I think I've suffered enough and it's time to accept some good things and that things are going better and feeling better overall. Actually inspite of the states I had lastly or even with those I even feel better then before the accident. So that's it for today. Everyone have a good night or day 😴✌

Just one last note before I fall asleep. I listened to the sadness inside myself and noticed that I want to feel loved. There was a moment of honest aknowledgement and I gave my thought the love and it was alright and I felt this energy in feeling great.

So it's 11 pm and I've just come back from my date. It was overly a nice experience and we've had fun. There could have been more between us and there was attraction but I changed my mind because she has a very depressed and fearful attitude and I noticed that I was attracted to that the most. I felt strong and confident around her. I noticed it's relative. She is cute and attractive and has some good character traits and deep thinking on some topics which I appreciate. I noticed, however, that I want a joyful person in my future relationship. I feel so releaved after I've changed my mind and I've experienced it's the right decision. Now there comes doubt to my mind that intimacity would be better for me, even though it's a depressed person. The I feel very lonely now. I also doubt if it's the right decision to write such intimate thoughts on the internet. I'll focus on disappointment and noticed that I feel disappointed to not having fulfilled my desire for intimacy. It could have been better. I feel disappointed that I havent eaten and dinner. That's annoying. I feel frustrated to go trough all this disliking and not finding a partner. I've just noticed it's a pessimistic thought and focus on the negative parts. I feel bored and now releaved. I see it's just thoughts. I feel content and see that most of the time I was happy today. It's alright. I also realize that I refrained from getting closer with her because I noticed didn't want to hurt her feelings if I got into a relationship with her and feel better I would want to get out of the relationship. I want a healthy relationship, that's what I want. I feels good to know myself better and having more experience with women. I also noticed that the pain was far weaker when good feeling is felt. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and tomorrow night. I might go clubbing. I will write on my lap report and might do some yoga or go to the gym. I feel appreciation for the day and being alive and listening to the thoughts.

Today a salesman knocked at my door and I made directly clear to take a catalogue at most and he tried to push me to orderibg stuff. I replied that I don't fall for that and he stopped and went away. I understand that he's doing just his job, but it made me angry that he stepped over my boundaries. I feel good that I caught it almost straight away. It feels good to experience what I want (setting boundaries and paying attention to my desires). When I listen to my thoughts I hear stories of past events where people crossed my line. I notice that I want a respectful attitude toward my thoughts and towards others. I feel angry about past mistakes. The prospect of fighting all day long feels discouraging. I give up and let it win. The world can do whatever it wants. This salesman shouldn't have crossed my boundaries and it's my fold for not having learned that earlier. I also blame all the people who crossed my line and I guess that I'm the one who crossed my lines the most. Now I start to worry about boundaries and whether I listen to myself enough. Also worry about my studies come up and if I work enough. Now I worry about what my professor and my fellow students might think because I got one week extra time for my lab report and if I ask them sth they will ask me back why I got this special treatment. They might not understand. I doubt I will get all the things done I want to do today. This feels disappointing. I feel also disappointed my lazyness and that people I rarely tell people when they cross my line. It's frustratig to do all this work and not enjoying it. I want to enjoy it. It's annoying to try so hard. I want to take it easy. It's feels annoying to worry what others might think. It's annoying to focus on things I don't like. It's frustrating to think pessimisticly. Then it's clear that I cannot see the positive stuff and all the good things in life. A negative perspective taints all in a pessimistic light. That feels boring. I want something else. I'm very tired. Letting go happens and "back" into the now. Contentment and happiness come up. Also gratitude that this place exists. It's cool to change the mood completely and I didn't distract myself. I see that it's all completely handable. I feel excitement for the events to come today. I will visit my bf who is having a baby in a month and the date afterwards. I want to enjoy myself and others as much as possible. It feels good to feel better and do myself something good. I've got plenty of things I can do I like. I just haven't noticed it. ;-) I want to a more loving and caring attitude and feel free. So, I'm gonna enjoy my day now. ✌

I'll start with emptying. I feel angry. I had such a nice and productive day. An hour ago I talked to a buddhist nun I know and she was so kind that I felt undeserving and got angry at her but kept it by myself. I feel guilty because of that and of the talk I said something that could have sound disrespectful. I feel jealous, too. I hate my negative attitude. It makes me angry not to live up to my images. I remember that its tiring always to fight and that the anger burns. I feel the burn right now. I feel angry because I want to be liked and feel under pressure to say the right things. It's super exhausting to always observe myself to fit the right role and many of them I don't even like. I want to take it more easy. If I wouldn't behave that way. It makes me crazy. She asked me about my foot situation and that made me feel bad. It also drives me crazy to think negative thoughts. I hope she didn't noticed that it made me feel uncomfortable. Today I did well in university and was very productive. I'm still a bit concerned about the time frame and that my negativity will hold me back. I doubt myself. I feel disappointed that I feel so negative and say stupid things. I feel also disappointed that I was too nervous to approach a girl today. I noticed right now the difference between what is felt and that things are actually going pretty well. I won't skip emotions though. So I feel annoyed that I don't go straight to what I want. I feel frustrated to go through it slowly. I recognise that this a attitude that doesn't feel good. I want to distract myself and grab something to eat. I'll wait a bit and instead breath. I remember that feeling is right now and that I can focus instead on thoughts that feel better and feeling is right now. That's good news. :) It's just pessimistic thoughts. A sense of contentment comes up. This gives rise to have hope that I can feel great and can focus on things that feel good and experience them. I believe my date tomorrow is going to be fun and the weekend will be nice. The road is free. This feels empowering. I want to work on my lab report and have the clarity to understand what I write. I want to enjoy the weekend and meet nice people. I'm greatful for this day. I did well in university and had the power for the full day and I actually enjoyed learning and writing the report. I feel eager for more of that. I'm sure I will have as well time for something creative. :) I feel a deep sense of love towards live and myself. It feels empowering to go through the whole scale and feel completely different within 30 minutes. I feel appreciation for this forum and for the change that's happening. I feel excited towards tomorrow and the music from outside I'm listening to. Woow ,the time flies. I feel joy right now and notice that is what I want, especially on dates. Enjoy the time. I feel great. It's amazing that it was that easy. It's time to sleep. So have a good night. 😊