Starlight

I slept a little more last night. The day was alright. I have been at university and visited a buddhist tempel for chanting and meditation. On my way back home a older women acompanied me for a good part of the way and it was a little bit discomfortable because the people from there always ask what I do and my foot situation and it burdens me to talk about that because I worry about their opinion and it makes me sad. Then I also start to worry about the operations to come and what I have to d to keep in check so that it improves and keep them as healthy as I can. There are yet und processed emotions attached to it so I will go into that another time maybe. I feel stressed from the long day and also with the lady. I like her but I feel annoyed by her. I feels frustrating trying to evoid such topic .i feel pessimistic. Now i feel bordem. Contentment arises. Tim to sleep

Today was a good day. I had some appointments, was at university and worked some stuff. A female fellow student and I are going on a date at the weekend. Let's see how it works out. There are much more positive thoughts and I realized that they have to be thought to get more of them. Also for just a few minutes I remembered that I resist the good things happening and there was much appreciation that so many good things happen to the right time. It's crazy. There are some negative thoughts and pain but it's ok right now. So let's see how this night gonna be. I also notice that I didn't focus on what I want but more on doubt and need which causes desperation. So it's fixable. Might take some time though or not... =)

Yes, that sounds nice. I'll remember it. :) Today was a very mixed day. Till afternoon it was kinda meeh but after that it became quite cool. I was at a nice place outside and truely listened to my thoughts and anger and there was a big relief. It kind of as if they were trying to give me a very important communication and I understood it. I'm angry because I don't do what I want and the talk became nicer and better feeling and extremely honest. After that I still was angry till evening but was cool with it. I have realized I had been wanting to be angry all the time but it was surpressed and there was a thought that I don't want to and shouldn't be angry. Maybe I can do the same with my tiredness. Right now I feel quite ok. Very tired but relaxed. There is some kind of discomfort. There are some negative thoughts. However if I focus less on them and instead more of feeling and sensations I relax more get more comfortable. I notice there is the desire to enjoy the moment and it's ok. I want to feel great and feel quite happy. I've noticed that feeling good is feeling and not thinking about it. And that seems to be the case why thinking about it feels so off. I want to infuse my life mit love and passion. I want to funiture I really like. If that isn't empowering? 😁 I notice that I'm happy because I don't hold on to the negative thoughts right now. @Philthank you very much. I appreciate your help and the whole website. Thank you 🧡🙏

Just 4hrs of sleep 😪

Just one more note: focusing on a positive thought creates more of them.

Last night I slept 7 hours. That's good. today I'm soo tired and exhausted. I hope I'll sleep longer this night. Doubts arise because of this. Today was a good day. I could do some work, had a beautiful time with a nice woman and did some yoga. There was also this presence and letting go and peace during the day. I saw that goodness phil mentioned in the prior post and knew it's all alright. Now I'm back in this discordant state. It is as if after letting go a lot a state of fear come up. So it's time for emptying and feeling. I feel depressed and empty because I lost this nice state. I feel quite vulnerable right now and very dense and in pain. My mind runs at 100mph. I'm afraid of my thought and that feels totally off. I feel guilty and weak for watching porn and not being more loving towards myself and not being able to rest better. It's strange to be soo tired but at the same time my mind is running and there is good and energizing feeling beneath. That's quite confusing because my mind is confused but this feeling is like energy. Additionally, my mind is afraid of that and there is the wish to control. I feel envy towards people who sleep well and can concentrate better. I wish I would be fitter. I also wish I had the energy and clarity to see what I want and focus on that part and on my studies. I hate this and my state of mind. I also hate that I have to learn so much math in such a short time. I like learning and even math if it's not forced in a tiny time frame. I hate being under pressure. I made some progress with the calculations but only learned for 2 hours. It makes me angry that I didn't resolved a problem this morning and made little progress with my studies. The feeling of vengenceful. It's soo discouraging fighting again and again. I want some peace of mind. I blame myself for this situation and state of mind and being so careless with myself. I blame my professor for putting extra pressure on my by not giving me some more time even though my doctor certified that I'm not fit to do the work. That worries me. My studies and all the stuff I have to do worry me. I'm worried if this is going to work out with this woman. I somehow doubt it, because she has so much going on in her life and might be turned off by my negative vibes. I feel disappointed because I have so many discordant thoughts and I think life should be positive and fun, but I can't live up to this image. I feel disappointed because I've become so unaware. I'm disappointed about how slowly everything progresses and that I am avoiding a lot. I'm disappointed that I worry so much. I feel disappointed that I can't focus on my creative planes because I have no mental energy. This feel super overwhelming. That's too much. So I acknowledge how frustrating it is being so disappointed and having to bear this heavy feelings. It's annoying and I want to feel better and focus on the stuff I actually want like health, rest, having fun learning, Making progress, having an intimate relationship, doing something good. I acknowledge my pessimistic attitude about life and myself. I can relax a little bit. I feel pessimistic about my future. I resist the impulse to distract myself and stay in the moment. I feel the discord of I can't. I notice the resistance to some thoughts. I feel peaceful and tired. This shows that feeling better is possible. This gives rise to hope that I can leave this behind and maybe this night I'll sleep some more and have nice dreams. Oh, when I focus on negative thoughts it feels negative. Some kind of love arises for listening to the thoughts. It feels good. =) there is a change in attitude and the feeling of happiness. I thought I had to do something to feel better. But I was wrong or rather my reaction. I'll remember that. 😁 @Philthank you again. 👊🙏 I'm eager for the next day. So have a good night!😴

Thx phil. when I read this a few hours ago I was able to to attend to them and there was suddenly a love experience from the turning towards them. I will reread your post tomorrow to remind me of this. 🙏🙏😊

I've just had a deep relaxing erotic hypnosis. There is some quietness and relaxation. But I also feel exhausted and my body feels stressed out. I feel my ego has become more dense and exalerated. Also thoughts of anger come up because I feel stressed out and attached to the pleasurable sensations. I feel angry because I should have done work for my studies. I am also afraid that this deep hypnosis will influence my sleep and lead to an unclear mind and nightmares and that the exaleration is too much. Another topic are my studies. Because I felt so bad and couldn't concentrate I just started the math part of my lab report. The problem though is that I haven't the math modul yet because I study part time due to financial and health reasons and had to arrange my schedule to fit that and I have to do calculations on a very high level. I have no idea how to do. I guess I will need some help. It's uncomfortable to ask. The hardest part is to get into motion Lets go to the scale: I am afraid that I'll mess up my career and that I'll be aimless and end up in chaos and depression and people will look down on me because I have to work some retarded job because my disability doesn't allow me to work heavily with my body or stand a long time. That makes me feel depressed. I feel worthless and insecure without a career and that I'm relatively old. I'm jealous of my younger fellow students who come straight from school and can study full time. I feel envy people for their health and I hate this situation. I hate being disorganised and that I can't work as much as I want. I hate not having something to show up and I hate being so nice. I hate being depressed and fearful and confused. I also hate having nightmares and being afraid of them. It makes me agry that some people made fun of me doing yoga in the park. My whole situation makes me feel angry and revengeful. But its so exhausting to fight. I feel disencouraged by all this fighting and this situation and stress. I'll blame life, my parents, the weather and human nature. I'll blame myself that I did this hypnosis and other stupid decisions which worsened my state. I blame the unfairness of life. I blame those people in the park for being rude. I notice being worried what other people might think about me and how I behave. I'm worried about my career, my houshold, my friends, my future, my life. It's sleeping time and I'm worried about my sleep this night. I'm worried to get up on time, even though I sleep little. I doubt that my situation is going to improve as fast as I need it. I doubt that I'll get out of this for good and that I'll get lasting happyness. I doubt that the date tomorrow will go well and that I'll be fit. I doubt that I deserve all the good things that have happened to me. I'm disappointed of me and life. It could be soo much better. I feel disappointed that I haven't made better use of my day. Its overwhelming. all this doubting and negativity. It's frustrating. I want to feel better, now! It's super annoying going into this negativity and working my bottom off. I feel negative about this situation. I acknowledge that it's boring to go in circles. I want something new. I'll relax a bit in this moment. When I can improve my feeling, then I can inprove my situation! :-) this feels empowering and gives rise to hope for feeling better and better. Maybe tomorrow will be a nice day and my state is going to improve more and more. Maybe I'll meet nice people and I'll be able to do all what I've scheduled. I feel happy to be here and I'm grateful for this chance to change the course of my life. I'm grateful to be so lucky with all this circumstances. I want to change and find my passions.

After looking at it the feelings are more like a subset of anger. When I feel proud and courage, there is defensivness and the wish to fight and win. Well, the feelings says something different than what I've heard about it. 😁

@Phil ok, thank you. I have another question. Where on the scale should I put courage and proud?

I'm a little bit concerned that I will always pick the emotion up and that it wont run out of itself.

Almost 8hrs of sleep. Yeah!

This is going to be my expressing journal. I'll talk about what I want and how I feel. The point where I am at is quite rough. The last 3 weeks I've slept no more than 6 hours and most of the time around 2 hours and got some nightmares. I feel pretty stressed out and frightened. But now and then I can access the present moment and get some piece. :) i hope that emptying helps me relieve my buzzing head. I use this to remind myself of trying to be nice to myself like a friend and keep that attitude. Right now it's 10 pm and I noticed a negative expactation about this night and some fearful thoughts about this night arise. I'm worrying a bit if I can keep my live together if this continues because I have to use my brains for university and I feel a lack of energy or lethagic or even powerless. I have lots of work to do. It seems strange. For my state of mind I'm in, my life goes on quite well. This week I had a date which was quite nice and from which a friendship might arise. Then, during my yoga practice in the park, I met Yoga teacher and I'm going to meet her on monday. She seemed into me, but lets see how it's going to be. I see in myself the deep need for relationships with healthy people and also intimate relationships. I'm using the scale: And some more fearful thoughts. I'm afraid of this night. That I'll have nightmares about something bad that is out there to hurt me or that my thoughts are going to hurt me. I partially see it's a projection of this state but this is how it feels like. This makes me feel quite vulnerable and and I envy people with good heslthy sleep and less trouble in this area. I also envy people who enjoy their lives and have more comfort and health. It makes me angry to bear this fate. I have ptsd and a little disability and it sucks to be taken advantage of and let other people step over my boundaries. The wish to enforce my boundaries comes up and not letting me be pushed around comes up. I'd like to tell people how I feel and yell around. I acknowledge that all this fighting is tireing and I need a rest. It feels a bit discouraging. That's it for today.

Thanks a lot for remembering me. I've come out of it with the scale twice already. In this state I totally forgot it exists. I will take some time though. Thx a lot.🙏🙏 This is very helpful and your post from the link explanes it very good step by step. Maybe I'll open a journal in order to express myself. :)

I'm mostly angry because I don't live my life as I want. I supress myself and my opinions and most of the time I'm appeasing people. that sucks a lot. I have tje feeling that I have to conform to the image of the nice person. I also seem to supress my "negative" thoughts. I've also let somebody manipulate me havily because she made me feel good and loved with nice words and faked care while making me feel miserable. So I guess I feel agry because I didn't set boundaries. Another reason is that I feel angry that I can't meet my expactations or can never live up to this self image. Ok, I'll think the revenge thoughts. It feels better. :-) What than?

Hello Guy! I'm posting this because I'm going through very tough time s right now. I have PTSD and it was triggert through insomnia because the stress keeps building up but I can't relax and this stresses me much more so that I cant sleep and then concentrate. It's a vicous circle of negativity. I also have lots of nightmares so that since 3 weeks I've only slept each night between 1 and 6 hours, mostly around one or two. Now I want to express what I feel: I feel very angry because I blame myself for the situation. I came out of this negativity before and I saw all the possibilities and had less and less fear. but it sucked me in again and I feel stuck. I wish I'd let go of the whole story but feel too tired. There is lot's of anger and aversion right now and I feel worry of how long this situation will go on and the feeling of doubt comes up whether I can do my work and keep up the positiv developements and keep myself from unwholesome stuff. Moreover, I have a date on monday with a beautiful yoga teacher and I'm afraid that she will see my state and will be turned off by it and I feel worthless. I' have lots of additonal worries right now. It's strange because somewhere I know it will pass. I feel better after expressing this. But there is much more left. I'd appreciate if somebody could give me some advice.