Starlight

Right now I feel quite good because I didn't distracted myself this evening with porn. Instead I did a round vipassana and a round yoga and my energy level is quite high. Bevor I came home I felt depressed and tired and it felt negative. So I guess it's could be a game changer to take the time and do this in the morning. But on the other hand I guess that the medication gives me a hangover and that could be whats keeping me tired till afternoon. I'm also starting to notice that my body is quite tense and the breathing shallow and from the chest. Therefore I started relaxing consciously and breathing deep and slowly. It'll take some time though to learn to relax and ignore thought tracks. There is a little discomfort and tiredness but I feel quite well. I accept it and feel content. It's good to feel better. That makes me feel hopeful. I feel optimistic about this night and I will try to move from the couch into the bed and see. I feel eager to experience tomorrow. I feel eager to see the child of my bf in a few days and I feel eager to going to university. I feel eager to socialising. I feel happy to be here and it's cool. I feel joyful breathing and maybe I'l do something for somebody else, just out of the blue. Having the energy feels empowering. I feel love towards life and myself. =)

I got a mirror for my bathroom. I'm very greatful that my brother in law had the time to go and pick it up with me. The Yoga and being in the moment changed my mood and helped relaxing my tensed and painful hips. I'm happy that I felt my feelings today and got a little bit more clarity. I appreciate my friends, the fruits I ate today and my brother in law.

Today was quiet mixed. At first I was fairly ok, then angry, then depressed. In the evening I did some yoga in a group and beig with the teacher delighted me, because she is a very energetic person. Right now I'm quite present though, so I don't which feeling to choose. Memory says anger but if I let that thought pass then there is no anger. So let's start with contentment. Even though a lot of my live is messy I feel content right now with this moment. It feels and hopeful to feel emotions and not resisting them. I feel hopeful about being able to improve the felt feeling. I think it's gonna improve. I feel excited about the plans for this week and think that it's gonna be a nice week and that things will go well. I trust that things will turn out as they should and I need and will attract the oportunies and people to make my live happier and healthier. I'm feel eager to experience the evets of this week. I feel joyful right now and I appreciate the people around me, my family and friends. I make a note in my mind that I will use the scale more often. Being able to change the feeling feels empowering. I also feel lve towards my thoughts =)

Today I got a new chair for the balcony and my brother in law offered me his help to carry a pick cupboard up. I listened to an inspirering video. I appreciate my plants, my friends and family, self help,my balcony and my apartment and this place here but also actualized when it comes to special matters

today I was in a happy state until a thought that I was in a bad state was believed and then I was in a bad state.

Last night after university and helping good friends installing a kitchen I went to a colledge party but was very tired. There I drank only one shot but because it was the first time this year I drank I've got a hangover and also because ate a lot of junk food. I also noticed the the anger inside myself a lot

It came to mind that thinking loving thoughts is doing a loving thing and I feel better now

I'll have some loving and compassionate thoughts instead.

Today I felt a lot of anger but the day was overly good. I was at university and despite the lack of sleep I could learn quite well. After that I was at the gym and trained my legs and had a call with a good friend. Right now my mind is running and I feel angry and stressed out but the last weeks were far worse. I also notice a lot of attachment and aversion. I think I made it worse yesterday. I feel angry about my disability and the problems it causes. My little toes make some trouble and I hope that it will get better and that I find shoes that fit for them. it sucks to have to deal with that. There are many negative thoughts about it and pain. also my old knee injury troubles me a little. I feel a lot of hate about this and I feel angry and don't want to deal with it because it feels discouraging and it. I blame myself and the past. I blame the lack of a loving attitude during my upbringing. I think a lot of my health and how to improve it and I feel concerned about it. I feel worry because my mind is so unclear and fast. Also because I waste a lot of time in negativity and don't do what I want. I feel doubt because I don't know if I can live a happy live. I feel disappointed from myself and this summer and my emotions. I feel disappointed because I say and do stupid things. I feel disappointed because after 2 nights sleeping almost 8 hours I slept only 4 the last night. Now I feel overwhelmed from these emotions and listening to the thoughts. I feel annoyed by my headache and the exhaustion. I feel annoyed by the fly in my living room. I feel frustrated from my mind and the lack of sleep. I also feel frustrated from pushing feelings away. I feel impacience because I want to feel better and have good sleep and less pain and a slow and clear mind. I acknowledge the pessimistic attitude I have and the avoidence of feeling and thoughts. I allow myself to feel them. I feel bored right now. Now there is more anger. I feel angry because I made things worse by my own mindless behaviour and by avoiding thoughts and feelings. i feel too tired to do more.

Did some yoga and meditation, studied, take care of my plants. I had a good tde.

Last night I slept better. I feel angry about my foot situation right now. It's hard to find new shoes that fit well and don't hurt and I've spent hours in shops and I've to spent more time there. That sucks. Also I feel a lot of anger and that manifests in pain in the body. I feel anger because of my foot situation. I also feel angry about the doctor who operated me and messed up the little one of the toes which sticks out to the side and makes trouble for me. It feels discouraging to think about all the things that aren't right and need to be fixed. I also feel discouraged about more physical exercises I got to do. I blame the doctors and myself for that and not to forget our insurance system. I feel worried about my feet and health in general. I feel worried about the stuff I want to do. I doubt that I my feet stay stable. I feel doubt whether I take the right direction in life. I feel disappointed from life and myself for not giving me the love I deserve and being rude and angry inside. I feel disappointed from our medical system and not taking more responsibility for myself. On the other hand I know I'm going through a rough time right now, so it's understandable. I feel overwhelmed from this much responsibility and things I have to take care of. I feel annoyed from it and I feel frustrated from my negative judgements. I acknoledge that all this feels pessimistic. I also feel bored. Slowly the feeling of cententment comes up. This give rise to hope. So it's only half as bad as I thought.

@Philthx, you're awesomeness too 😀 There seems to be a slow change in perception and possibilities r coming back. Today I enjoyed sweet grapes and a nice tee. I also did some gardening. I appreciate my bed, my apartment, the internet, my mind.

I didn't sleep last night but right now I feel quite good. I've watch some inspiring clips of creative people and notice that I want that, too. I want to find a way I can get a living out of something I enjoy. But forst I have to find things I love. I noticed that my gead gets clearer at evenings, might be due to medication. There is still some anger left. So I'll start with feeling anger because my neighbor makes me feel annoyed. I feel frustrated when I hear her shriekish voice. I'd rather go to bed. Now I feel bored. I allowed the feeling and feel content. This gives rise to the feeling of hope. I can do stuff I like doing a d find a way. I feel happy right now and I believe that my feeling can help me in the right direction. Right now I feel passionate about creating my live I want. That feels empowering. I appreciate that, the inspiring clips and my friends. I feel love towards my family, my plants and my relationships.

I appreciate the smoothie I drank

Last night was fun at the party. I brought there a girl a new . I've hoped it would gonfurther but it was still fun and cool to dance. On my way home the dawn was very beatiful and the moon. Today I went to a park juggling and did sone yoga.

Today was a good day. I did some meditation and yoga and studied a bit. Also last night was fun. But I feel angry right now. I noticed that it is just a thought. I feel discouraged when I think that the inner fightig has started again. I'll blame the violence that I consumed in my life for that and move on to worry. I feel worried because of my sleep and carrier and feel doubt about whether I really like it or if there is something I enjoy more. I feel disappointed that I don't handle life better in general and I feel disapointed from my health. It feels painful and overwhelming to think that way. I feel frustrated going through this again. I want to sleep well. I feel pessimistic about my life and how it's unfolded so far. Now I feel bored and an instant later contnentment arrived which give rise to hope and a positive outlook how things are hoing to onfold. I feel happy to be here and I appreciate it

That's interesting. After watching porn I feel depressed and angry but I accepted the feeling and that's just how I feel after it and that's how things are and not the thing itself and there is happiness.

Today I could participate quite well in university and in the city center I was asked to participate in a market research and tested a new candy :-) Then, on my way to the temple I met a friend and we had a nice talk and I got some cherries. I also bought super tasty grapes. In the temple the chanting and meditation was fun and the monk gave me a package of juice. I did a mini yoga round in between as well. I also bought a ticket for a party at the university campus. I took care of my plants and appreciate them and my friends and my balcony. I appreciate that I have some time to read inspiring books beside the studying. I appreciate my comfortable chair :-)

Today I feel quite well. There were some depresdive thoughts but I came to feeling and it feels quite good. I've been at the tempel and have begun reading the book "the big leap" and there was an allowing of feeling on my way home and there is energy. I've noticed a pattern that when I feel great for longer periods I sabotage me. I now remember the good stuff and attitudes so I feel good and I'm optimistic that it's gonna be better and better. That's so cool. The pessimism didn't stick and it was all about feeling. I feel optimistic that I will sleep better and enjoy the activities I've planned and I think this is a right way and that's about allowing good feeling and things to happen. So I feel happy right now and I'm eager for live. That feels empowering and I enjoy the moment. I feel joy when I think about the party I'm going to tomorrow evening. I feel love towards my friends and family appreciation I feel very constructive.

today I did some Yoga and went to university and it went quite well. I had lunch with my fellow students and it was good. After university I took a wald through a forest and ate nice fruits. Other good things today: I tried a oat drink and it was nice. I also had a nice alcohol free beer and some good music. 🙂

Right now I feel hopeless and powerless and depressed. It's like a black cloud. I'll grab guilt and feel guilty and worthless because I can't get out of this and I have the feeling that this turns people off and I feel insecure in this situation and want to get something to hold on to. I feel jealous about people who don't have to struggle like me and don't feel depressed or people whose mind doesn't run on 100 mph. I feel envy for people who have more money, stability or can relax and take it easy. I feel hate when I think about that and I feel hate when I think how lonely I feel. I hate it. I hate this negativity. I hate barely being able to cencentrate and not being in the right mood for socialisation. I feel hateful about my health issues. I feel angry that I consumed so much negativity in the past and I feel angry that I take to little care for myself and treat myself so bad. I feel angry because a freshly made friend with positive vibes's gonna move away. I feel angry because I feel stuck in this negative headspace and I have no clarity of mind. I feel dicouraged when I think about all the negativity I feel and all the fighting. I blame myself and this state and fd. I blame the ptsd and my upbringing and my karma. I also blame my health and the unhealthy structure of society. I feel worry about my career and the learning for university. I feel worried because there is a lot of emotional pressure and this anger manifests as pain. I feel worried about my health. I feel worried about all the things I have to keep in check. I feel worried about my stress level. I feel doubt about my mood and if I can do the things I want to do this summer. I'm not sure if I can work on my dating skills this summer. I doubt myself and some of my friends advice. I feel doubt about what I study. I feel disappointed because of this negative state and that this makes going out so much more difficult. I feel disappointed from the world, this summer, my health, university, some of my friends, I feel disappointed because I'm so unorganised and I afraid. thinking this way feels overwhelming. I feel annoyed by going through this again, but however I feel better, I feel annoyed from my neighbor, I feel frustrated from all the negativity, I want to think other thoughts.I want to feel better! I acknowledge that all this feels pessimistic. I acknowledge my pessimistic outlook on the world. Now I feel bored.By allowing this feeling contentment arises. I feel hopeful now because I feel better and maybe it's not all that bad. Right now it doesn't seem so. Let's just take a moment to focus upon what goes well: My health is actually many fold better than a year ago, not to mention 2 or 3 or 4. I experience happyness and have hobbies I like and friends I really appreciate. I actually have lot's of possibilities and gonna rock the boad on the weekend. Right now my circumstances allow me to have more time to do things I like and that's great. I'm gonna sleep better and I actually sleep better than the last weeks. I appreciate this moment, my friends, the weather, nature and my apartment. It feels good to feel better.

I feel better right now. I'm quite tired though. I felt very sad and depressed today. But I called a friend and feel better now. Right now I feel worried about the university and my carrier and the relationsships that change right now. I feel doubt about the direction in my live and that I can attract the right people. I feel disappointed about my reactions towards people and that they will be turned off by me. I feel disappointed about the state of my mind and that I can make better use of my time. I feel doubt about that the friendship with the yoga teacher will last long and I will sleep enough. I feel doubt that I can get out of my patterns. That all feels super overwhelming to me. I feel frustrated to get in depressive thinking patterns and anger. It feel frustrating to think that negatively. I feel annoyed by it. I feel impatient and I want change. I want human connections and more friends where I live because right now most of them are moving a way. Ialso to facing my disability and the emotions is super annoying. I recognice that thinking these thoughts feels pessimistic. I feel bored right. Now I came back to the moment and I feel cntentment. This give raise to the feeling of hope to feel better. Maybe the relanship with the yogateacher will not completely go down. Tomorrow in the university will be nice. I feel appreciation towards this yoga girl, my learning today and the tes I want to drink.

I did Yoga in a group today and learned 4 hrs was nice.

I did yoga, I went to the open door day of a thai temple with a friend. There I ate super good papaya salad and it was beautiful to share this place with someone and have a nice convo. I was at a waterpark with two friends and loved it, especially my friends and the hot tub. Then we went eating burgers and it felt soo good and normal. Oh and I ate some delicous plums and had a nice tee. I appreciate my apartment, the thai temple and my parents, ebay and the universe.

Today was a good day. I have been at the open door day of a thai tempel with a friend today. then I was swimming with two friends at a waterpark and then eating burger. I really apreciate it and them. It felt so good to do normal things and live. I also did some yoga. Right now I feel very tired but quite good. There is a feeling of annoyance though. I feel annoyed to have a headache. It's interesting I seem to recreate it when I remember it and focus on it. Maybe I'll find out what's it all about. Maybe the feeling is telling me something else. I feel annoyed by the tiredness and want to sleep well. I fell frustrated sleeping little and shallow. I also feel frustrated because I tried to hide a negative state today and thereby put myself under pressure. I feel pessimistic about that. I notice pessimistic thought like not being acceptable as I am and that I have to impress her led to that situation. This feels very pessimistic. I acknowledge that I often feel pessimistic thoughts and while being focused on them I am not thinking the things I like and want to do. I feel bored right now. Now I remember that feeling is now and I'm alright again. I recognise that I can only feel now and it's alright. This realization gives rise to the feeling of hopefulness and being able to feel better and being able to do something and this arouses the feeling optimism. I feel optmistic that I can do something with my life and enjoy it and that my state is improving slowly and that I take care of the things I want to do and have the energy. This feels empowering. It also feels empowering to notice thoughts and check them. It feels good to think optimisticly. I feel appreciation because I can do something. I feel appreciation towards my friends, this forum, phil for helping the people, I even feel appreciation for my accident because I changed tracks and despite of the heavy consequences my life is far better and I have people around that really like me and a deep connection with them. I feel love towards myself and I realize that I do put in the effort because I love myself. I love my family and my dearest friends. 🙂 so have a good night 😊