Eternal

@Phil You listened to me when I was suffering through hardships when it came to feeling unworthy. You responded to every single message stating to investigate what I actually am. You cared about me. You loved me when I needed it most. Words could never possibly express how grateful I am for everything. On the actualized forum. On this forum. Every single word you sent to me. You freed me from the bounds of my suffering. You made me realize the truth that was in me all along. You made me realize the unconditional love that I have always been. My heart goes out to you because I simply cannot express how much love I feel for what you made me realize my essential nature. By prodding me in every single message. In every single post I made. I was suffering deeply about feeling unworthy. Extremely depressed. Even suicidal thoughts. I would be in bed all day, waiting for nighttime to come so I could go asleep, just to repeat the next day again. I expressed myself all I could to you. You responded with such love in every single message. I find out who I am. The truth truely did set me free. You shined the light of consciousness onto unconsciousness. I truely don't know where I would be if I never began to send that first message to you on actualized.org. I am beyond my thinking mind. No longer identified with it. Feeling extreme love because I am who I am. Phil, you helped me realize that. I am the love before all form took place. I am the love that precedes everything. I can express myself authentically and honestly now. No thought attachment. Just pure love. Forever grateful. Much love to everyone. Things do get better. 💕

Everything is just so perffect when you allow yourself to be as you are. As the unconditional love that is experienced in every waking moment without any kind of self concept whatsoever. No thoughts. Just presence.

Wisdom! I suffered to long until I realize there was no I

I have been feeling so good the last few days being more aligned with what I want. I saw this girl for the third time on Wednesday I believe. We had sex around three times and she was very interested in me to begin with. When she came over to mine on Wednesday, she stayed the night, we had sex but the whole time, I was deeply afraid. Afraid of expressing myself, the fear of judgement when I was around her. It is such a shame because if that fear was not there, we would of gotten on so well, we seemed to be interested in similar stuff and I really actually liked her but of course I did not not say that because of fear. She opened my eyes to what I want. I want a girlfriend. Even just certain things she said to me really changed my perspective and almost brought me out of the rut that I was living in but she does not know that. I was really excited to meet her for the 4th time and I asked her when she's free. She said she would let me know last night. I woke up at 5 in the morning to start my day and proceed on what business I want to do. I did not check my phone until 1pm because I want to do focused work and she said to be honest, she just wants time by herself and rejecting me in a nice way. I feel like crying writing this because, well she opened my eyes and I was so hoping to see her again and really try to get more comfortable expressing myself. It sucks because when I was with her, she kept on saying how funny I was etc... when I looked at the message on my phone, it completely shifted my attention on thoughts to feeling worthless and unlovable. Before that in the morning I was doing loads of work on my business. What she said to me initiated a deep yearning to follow what I truly want and to more listen to my own emotions. Perhaps it is another lesson for me, who knows. I get a deep fear after seeing a girl for 3 times because in the past they usually rejected me. Upwards of around 7-10 girls now. Been on around 40 dates and 90% of the girls don;t want to talk to me after. Creates all these unwanted and limiting beliefs about myself and afraid to express myself. Of being judged. What's worse is having a girl sleep with you and reject you. This rejection seems to hurt less than the others though which is somewhat positive. My mind does feel in chaos though, constantly judging whatever I say as if I should say it. Do I message her back and explain how she made me feel? nothing much to lose, right? or should I just let her go and not express myself. My mind asks so many questions all the time instead of just being. Kind of feel like giving up with women but I know I want a girlfriend now. Just emotionally challenging, dealing with all these rejections. Makes me more fearful in the future. Anyway time to try and work on my business.. Hopefully I won't keep thinking about this.

Been feeling better the last few days. Thinking more positively and really inspect where there is discord. I did lay down today somewhat as I did feel burnt out and needed to rest since I have been working most of today. Really trying to get this new business up and going and finding that I am learning a lot to do with website development. Using elementor as a page builder. I had fear about doing expression journaling today as if I don't know what to say or what to speak about. What if I say the wrong thing etc.... It really is up to me to inspect where there is discord if I want my life to change. I can get very caught up in just resisting the negative emotion and constantly let it repeat itself, day in and day out without inspecting anything. But the negative emotion and feeling is there for a reason, telling myself that something is not right. I don't know what to do right now as I don't really feel like doing more work, need to relax and recharge. I feel good that I am 1% closer to where I want to be in life. I am going to do this website for my Dad and then do a course on getting into the digital marketing sector online. See how that goes and whether I like it or not... Trying to enjoy the days instead of constantly thinking that they are just one big grind..... usually I have this discordant thought on wasting my days until I meet someone or be in contact with someone else in the hopes that it will make me feel better. A belief that must be let go of... I feel very tired today as I only had 4 hours sleep, well my body does.. but at the same time I have a lot of energy as I am becoming more aligned with positive thinking. Ideally, I would like to do a few more things today and nothing is stopping me at all. I may just delve into it and see how it feels. Maybe cook a new meal, sort out my wardrobe, do my grandmothers balcony.... tidy the kitchen etc... Earlier I did feel extremely burnt out from doing a lot of work but I layed down in bed to meditate for 30 minutes and feel more of a sense of calmness now. Honestly, I just lack life experience so I am just going to make a conscious effort getting more experience to know what I like and don;t like. Nothing will change if I spend my days in my bedroom doing nothing. I do remember when I was on the phone to my mum earlier that I was going into realms of negativity... but I snapped out of it... I expressed gratitude, layed down and meditated to see how little power thoughts actually have over me. Thoughts are just passing clouds.... ughh I hate the feeling of being forced to journal or just not knowing what to say or talk about but I am trying to get better at expressing myself.

Managed to get some work done today for my Dads business which felt great, I was in flow state for a while. Initially there definitely was some form of resistence to starting it but I overcame that and managed to sit down and focus 100% on the design of the website. It is becoming more apparent to me that I just continously think the name negative thoughts on a daily basis which make me feel horrible and don't even try to feel better. It is almost like I enjoy feeling bad, hence with all the negativity such as not being good enough around anyone and needing a woman to fill the void of incompleteness within. Not realizing that I am whole already and wanting others to complete me. Going to think more positive thoughts which are aligned with what I want out of life such as going to the gym, improving finances, developing work ethic, creating amazing connections. I know all of this is possible but I fear that I may go back to my old ways in the future of being stuck in denial and powerlessness. I found it amazing to not even think about checking my phone when I was working on designing the website. I definitely feel better than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was in bed all day having discordant thoughts about feeling worthless etc... But today, I just feel more enjoyment from life, by actually getting out of bed and doing tasks. I think later I will create a To-do list for things that I would like to do tomorrow. I did also take modafinil which has given me more energy but I need to prioritize my career right now and earn money. I don't like never having any money to get cool things. I want to get a really good camera/clothes and start taking great pictures of myself for instagram. For now I want to help my Dad with his new business and potentionally learn digital marketing on the side to learn that skillset and see if I like it or not. Going to take a break from work now... and I will get back to it later!

I hate the feeling of not being enough and wanting to be a different person. Like you messed up around someone and if you acted differently, they might still be around. It makes me question my own way of socializing or being with others. I am so used to being inside my own head. Don't know who I am anymore. I try to live up to other peoples expectations but sometimes I wish I was more funny. I just don't find that I have a good personality as I mostly get rejected. What does that say about me 😢 MAybe I need to change who I am. I am not enough....

@Phil Been a few days since I have done any form or journaling, just not been feeling the best. In bed, on my phone, or doing whatever to escape my feelings. I went out both Friday & Saturday nights to practice game but with not much luck. Perhaps the ego gets to much in the way and the fear of approaching and actually getting to know someone feels way to overwhelming so I don;t really talk to many new people. Usually in bed for the next few days in powerlessness - just laying in bed feeling the same emotion. I felt worthless because a girl I have seen 4 times just does not respond to my texts and there was this huge overwhelming fear of texting her to come to mine later but I just did anyway. It makes me mentally beat myself up because I wish I should of been different when I was with her. I was talking to her about serious and deep stuff - what I was passionate but I was not funny. I wish I could of been more funny and playful so I beat up on myself for not being good enough. I hate the fact that I constantly have to chase girls and I find that not many girls want to chase me. Always in the chaser/pursuing frame. I expect this girl to make me feel happy and I don't know why. It is the same with any girl. I check my phone like 50 times a day just to check my text messages from girls to see if they responded... like I am a drug addict... then I beat myself up for checking my phone like I should not do that... It is a constant running away from emotions. Now I feel like I need to be productive.. hopefully I can start enjoying my days without relying on others... but I get lonely.. so lonely... no one loves me apart from my family 😢. Gota fill the void.... Why cant a girl just want to chase me... I just want an abundance of women I see but it feels so damn hard like I been doing this for years with little to no results.. sometimes I wish I was just a natural around women but socializing is so damn hard. Even journaling feels hard sometimes because I am in my head so much. The fear.. Maybe I am just trapped in trauma. Gota stop thinking negatively but my mind is used to it. Bunch of negative habits..

@Phil Fundamentally I feel like I lack something and chase 'something out there' so I can feel happy. All I want is to feel happy. I want to feel good. Regocnizing my true nature seems so out of reach with all the beliefs I have. Seems to be belief on top of belief about myself and lots of thoughts containing "I". Or well it is just a thought at a time... I want to enjoy life but what if I just have a depressed ego. My sense of self has been conditioned to think negative thoughts.

@Phil Does suffering end when I don't judge emotions as good or bad? Because feeling is just feeling and I seem to say "I feel bad". Negative thoughts make me feel lower down on the emotional scale. What do you mean the root of all suffering is that the one thought of isn't actually present? Why do I get so many self-referential thoughts about myself? Yes I am very much attempting to escape my horrible feelings because they feel horrible. I want to feel great. How do I feel great at all the time. I often want to escape reality because the moment feels very uncomfortable to deal with which is why I look forward to going back to sleep at night. Then I can dwell on the past and beat myself up for wasting 6 years of my life, not really achieving anything and being lazy. Knowing about self-help but not doing anything to better myself. Being bad with women etc... Almost like self-fulfilling prophecies. Who I am now is kind of based on past events. Like "I am so lazy" "Failed life" etc.... Feel the need to improve but I don't live up to it. I want love and happiness but it feels out of reach when I seem to be constantly on the low end of the emotional scale. Maybe I need more expressing to do but sometimes my days get so bad that I don't even want to journal. Pulling out my laptop is the hardest thing ever to even journal. Maybe it is just me wanting to run away from what I am feeling. I may go out tonight to try and socialize but that brings up uncomfortable feelings which I want to escape. I communicated to my Dad that I am finding it overwhelming trying to work on the new website and he understood. He didn't want to message me as much but I spoke to him earlier and he said he might get someone else to do it. That made me feel bad. Almost like I wish I had a better work ethic and help build my Dad an awesome website but resistence was strong in the moment. The last few days I had to shut down and just lay in bed, waiting for the night to come so I can go back to sleep. Hopefully I can realize what I am and get out of all this suffering and getting thoughts about not wanting to live. A common one I face is what is the point in living if I don't enjoy anything

@Phil I collapsed back into my comfort zone today, sleeping in bed and doing things to waste time until I can go back to sleep. Developing a work ethic seems so hard. Going to try to do some stuff now. Tomorrow things won't get better because the only time is NOW. Can't go on for much longer like this.. laying in bed feeling so powerless and tired, just wanting to escape reality until I can go back to sleep is no fun 😞 Try and do something but everything feels like so much work and effort.

I feel better getting out of bed just now, I collapsed in bed just wanting to waste my day earlier on. I got up and had somethiing. I want to have something in my life to focus my mind on. I spoke to my grandmother for a little while but life seems challenging when you have everything given to you and the world seems so massive. My grandmother worries about me and I never seem to talk to her that much. I am way to concerned about my own issues with life and selfish. Not really in the best mood for communicating. I just want to shut down and be myself today. Self-expression feels hard when the last thing I want to do is express. I am scared that I may come up with such discordant thoughts.

Started experiencing a lot of tiredness so I had to lay down in bed. I woke up at 10 am today which I thought was quite late. I managed to do 30 minutes of meditation and Brain training on my phone. I want to go to sleep so badly and it is only 2:30pm, I have not even been to the gym! I tried doing some creative work on developing a website but I find myself lacking any kind of capacity to do work. I don't have a job and not much money. Living with my grandmother gets challenging as she does not know where she is half the time and is suffering from dementia. It makes me feel very weighed down. Ideally I want to get a job I enjoy, live a passionate life but a lot of resistence is present. Uncomfortable emotions. Negative thoughts. Tiredness/sleepiness which is a huge bother for me. I am so tired right now. Not even in the mood to express myself, like there is fear from saying thwat I actually think. Always seem to feel the same every single day.

@Phil Thanks man. It has really been hard the last few years but I will try my best to reflect on what you are communicating.

@Phil My Dad wants me to do a website for him and is constantly messaging me asking if it has been done. I find that there is so much resistance when I am working on the website. Even doing 1 hour focused works seems so brutal. I am not used to working and I find it mentally taxing as I have not been in the best mental state for a while. I find that everyone seems to just be walking all over me like I am nothing. Should I tell my Dad that I really don't want to do the website and don't enjoy it whatsoever? It feels challenging trying to do something that I don't enjoy. Maybe I will like doing the property business if I get more experience with it but I highly doubt it. I find it to be a very unhealthy relationship with my Dad. He has no concept of how long a website takes to build and he expects me to get it done within a week. I was just laying in bed today for a few hours doing nothing, it was nice but I need to do something to make money. I actively procrastinate building a work ethic by going to the gym, dating, etc... Sitting in a chair trying to work feels incredibly uncomfortable. There is just so much resistence. I find that my Dad has this hold over me and just thinks he can get away with anything. Almost like I don't set any kind of boundaries or cement what I actually want out of the situation because of fear. I could say "I can do the website but at my own pace because websites take longer than you expect", that may get my Dad of my back but I am afraid of going into this business. What if I don't like it? I don't seem to like it currently, what if it gets worse? I do need money though and I have a lot of free time on my hands as I don't have a job. I suppose my Dad is just trying to be nice by offering me a job. He said he would give me a nice bonus once I finish the website. Unfortunately he fails to understand the mental challenges that I am going through and has false expectations on how long I website takes to build. I want to start slow with building a work ethic, but he is just bombarding me with emails/messages expecting me to get it done within a week. That is inevitably going to lead to burn out but my fear of self-expressing myself to my Dad is so huge. I don't even know why. Perhaps I am scared of confrontation. I don't want to be lazy and do nothing but working on this seems to be such an unenjoyable grind. Maybe I need to become more content with myself and actually develop myself instead of chasing girls, it has only lead me to this position which seems to be a lot of unhappiness. I directly correlate my happiness with the amount of validation the girls give me. I know it's not good but I have 10 years of being bullied at school/childhood conditioning to undo. Why do I check my phone? because I want love and connection with a female perhaps, I have never had a girlfriend so I don't particularly know for certain. I rarely check social media apps. It is mainly to turn off do not disturb to see who has messaged me. I am so used to isolation because of everything that has happened to me in my past, so I try my hardest to create connections with females at the dispense of my own happiness. I am going about it in the wrong way. Looking back at it, it has probably wasted all of my 20's so far. Slept with 45 girls of which most did not want to see me again. Rejected on most dates that I have been. Probably 50 at this point. I can get girls as I am attractive but I fail to work on myself. I fail to see the beauty in life which makes me suffer. I am young, healthy and have endless free time but yet I still suffer because I take everything for granted. I don't want to let my Dad down but I need to assert my own boundaries. Dealing with others seems so draining. Why don't I feel like enough, what is missing? The constant void or incompleteness that I experience. It is something within my own stomach, I want the feeling to go away. It would be nice to experience more aligned thoughts but I often get swept into the darkness of my own mind that the "Oh tomorrow it is going to be different". I messed up tomorrow but I can fix myself tomorrow. What a delusion..

@Phil Experiencing extreme irration from not checking my phone is so challenging. I am then going to the love the emotions that I am experiencing because it is just happening in that moment. It's a feeling that I put judgement on. It's like what determines whether something feels good or bad? It's just the experience of unworthiness for example.. right? I am in a great situation in life and have nothing to really worry about whatsoever but my own judgemental thoughts about myself which causes suffering. But no I go straight into the emotion within presence and get super curious about it. It's there for a reason. I'm sure others are experiencing what i'm feeling right now. More insights about reality not checking my phone. I don't want it but I do it. Going to quite this device. It robs me of my own thoughts almost like I am being brainwashed. It makes me anxious and feel powerless within life. OK.... discordant thoughts create different feelings, I feel more agitated right now, going to make a TO-DO list.

@Phil @Mandy Ok I realize that reality is just one thought at a time because I just met my friend and smoked weed with her. I feel love, peace & contentment right now because no belief is inherintly true. It is because I am stoned though, which removed all of the objective experience that I get so heavily identified with. Everything is a belief/thought happening within the present moment with no inherant substance behind it. It is bassicaly meaningless, like I am watching a cloud pass while being the sky. Weed has done this to me before, maybe it is because I do question my own beliefs and thoughts which do cause me inherrent suffering and accepting how I view the world is what causes my suffering. Suffering is mind created, strip the beliefs you were conditioned with while you were growing up all your life - you are free. Of course it is fucking hard to question what you perceive to be the world to be because that is your 'life' and effectively it is killing yourself to realize it never is true. I realize Leo indoctrinated me with his way of thinking by watching loads of his videos and gave me all his false beliefs that he is but again as I am typing this - you could perceive it as another belief but I am more just commincating without any thought attachment behind it. Tomorrow scares me because I will be unhigh and back to my egoic conditioning which causes all of my suffering at it's root. I distract myself by my phone, T.V, Junk food, Sleep from avoiding going within to find out that nothing I ever thought about myself is true. My main beliefs are that I need to get to a perfect self-actualized life in order to fill happiness and contement, I need to be doing self-help everyday or I am wasting my life, I cannot check my phone, I need to have sex (crave validation), Judge myself for actions I take as well as many more.. Talking to this girl - Completely and honestly opening up to her and being me felt amazing. When she was communicating - I completely went out of my own perspective and viewed reality from hers to realize no perspective is true.... just another thought or conditioning happening within the present. It's strange when you realize you have it all along and the thing that is stopping you is from wanting to go 'there' because it is another belief. Going inwards is so hard but it has to happen as that is true. Examaning more of my direct experience. Only cos i'm high.... unconscousness tomorrow - Can't wait!!! another belief I know but I am stoned so perhaps I am making slow progress into my reality without realizing it..

Just had my hair but seem to be feeling in a huge fear and getting a lot of negative thoughts. It felt incredibky uncomfortable getting my hair because I so extremely thought that I was being judged by him and did not know what to say. I did not particularly want to socialize but even if I did, I would not know how to speak. I found it to be uncomfortable. Felt very stifled within my own mind. I just came back to my flat and my 2 aunts are still here with my grandmother. Found out that my grandmother has a property viewing within a few days and that means if she takes it I will have to move out. I am so scared of all of this. I have got to a point where my mind is so numbed down and so use to living in my comfort zone of not working, doing anything and just getting stuck in negative thought loops. I find it way to challenging to even do any work at this point. Even doing 1 minute of work feels extremely uncomfortable because I have gone so long without doing any work at all. Whenever I sit down to try and focus, my mind wants distractions and dopamine also. I usually fall for the trap. I just feel so tired and I went to do some work but I found that there is just problem after problem that I need to try and solve. I wish society was not so money orientated all the time. I am kind of beating myself up right now because I have so much to for the new business with my Dad but I cannot seem to focus and have counselling, went to the gym, meditated. I find it is all compiling onto me. I don't want to let my Dad down and he even said he would give me a nice bonus for doing the website but I don't feel motivated in any way at all. I just do not seem to be motivated by money. I barely have any clothes or anything but I am so used to not really spending any money at this point. I find it probably just enhances the ego. I guess it would be nice to have some so I don't have to worry about it but I want to do something because I actually enjoy doing it. I find life can get very hard and it is worse when I basically have everything going for me but still fall into the same traps day in and day out. Of saying it will be better tomorrow but everyday just repeats itself like it is groundhog day. My mind has gotten so accustumed to negative thinking and being lazy that it is basically my reality and doing any form of work feels nearly impossible. I know I need to start small but getting these constant negative thoughts is not fun to deal with when I have nothing to be sad about. I just beat myself up for not being my ideal version of myself. Always the constant need to improve. I find work just so mentally exhausting and draining but I know it does need to be done if I want to actually have a good life for myself in the future. I just find all of it to be so overwhelming, trying to constantly juggle so many various different kinds of habits on a daily basis and feeling bad if I miss any one. Anyway I need to try to do a couple of hours of this website work before I go to my counselling session later. I just find that I feel kinda braindead today. Hopefully it will get better. I am sure it will, this cannot go on forever right.. Kinda feel like I am slowly going insane.... Saying that this would all get better years ago but I still feel stuck in the same place. Maybe I am improving. Who know's.

Just watched a YouTube video on getting rid of phone addiction and watched a bit of it. I don't understand why I know all this self-help knowledge but yet don't do anything to make any kind of change. Just living the same existence repeatadly. I never get angry but I think that is because there is a fear of expressing myself incase others may judge me. I used to feel anger but I feel like it has just been so supressed lately and nothing seems to make me angry. I don't get it. I just don't want others to judge me. I managed to do self -esteem stems today and want to go to the gym soon and do some work later on, hopefully today will be a good one. I realize that I spend a lot of time living upto other peoples expectations of me instead of me doing what I want to do. I kind of live for other people.... I want to live in a cave for the rest of my life sometimes.. that would be nice..... No distractions then.. Perhaps a lot of suffering though...

Was in bed for around 30 minutes before I eventually decided to get up at 7:30 am. I felt so incredibly tired and groggy when I got up as I had a horrible Sunday, in bed all day basically wasting my time watching YouTube until I fell asleep. I was to lazy to even get out of bed so I decided to get a pizza. I was basically just laying in bed all day constantly checking my phone, going through negative thoughts. Feeling incredibly tired and not motivated to achieve anything at all, I only wanted to go to sleep. It was from going out Friday & Saturday nights to practice game which I really did not enjoy as socializing is incredibly hard for me but I did try putting myself out there. It is just whenever I approach a girl, I get very stifled and unsure on what to talk about nor do I even particularly want to talk. I would much rather be in bed sleeping but I crave sex so much which is why I went out. I want to have multiple girls on rotation that I can regularly see. I want an abundance of women so that I can pick from a place of abundance instead of always being in scarcity. I seemed to of had a great day on Saturday, actually getting out of bed. Sunday was my downfall though unfortunately. I just did not have any energy to do anything whatsoever and it kind of feels like I am chasing women and sex in order to make me fulfilled, like I am not enough as I currently am. I kind of wish I would of journaled on Sunday but I am afraid of communicating which is why I put it off. I judge myself if I express myself in the wrong way. I don't understand how I can be in bed all day though. There just was literally no motivation for anything whatsoever but to waste the day and go back to sleep. I really did not enjoy Sunday at all, felt like I didn't grow in the slightest. Anyway it is a new day today, so no good on harping on past events. Gota move forward into the future and see what I can do today to create positive change. My Dad wants me help him start this business and do a website for him so I can going to try to attempt to do that. Feels stressful though as I am so used to not having a good work ethic and I find this may be just to much. What if it leads to a burnout or something. I am so used to just not doing any work at all. I want to start to improve my diet so perhaps today I might try to find different food that I can actually eat. I also really want to take bodybuilding more seriously. I find I am not that commited to it and I want to be. I need to try to have more protein to build more muscle. I find nightlife and going to to pick up women/clubbing, really affects my progress at the gym. Kind of feel like I have stalled out for a while. I want to do that, eat healthier, remove technology addiction, have a rotation of girls... not exactly sure what I want to do as a LP yet but need more experience within life I am guessing. I just constantly get urges that I always need to check my mobile device to see if I have any text messages coming in and to check them. Most importantly, I find that I really want to move out and live by myself and don't live with my grandmother. She actually had a horrible fall yesterday and really bruised both her arms & head. A part of her arms looked bloody and she told me but I felt like I did not have any kind of empathy for her or anything. I didn't know what to say in the moment so I just kind of let it go by without really saying anything.

Just got up after around 7 hours of sleep and I woke up with a lot of negative thoughts about just wanting to stay in bed all day and be on my phone, doing nothing. One girl I messaged on Friday who I previously slept with has not responded to me so I decided to double text her, kind of makes me feel worthless. Makes me think that I completely ruined the whole frame of our interaction by texting her to much in the past. I perhaps should of texted her as much, I think a few double texts earlier on in our encounters may of messed it up. Now I just always seem to be chasing and she rarely replies to my messages. I am half anticipating that she will send me a text saying how she does not want to see me again, I have got that thought quite a lot of times about her. I have a huge fear of her saying that because it has happened to me so many times on in the past. I did have a great time with her but I last met her like 2 weeks ago or something so it has been a while, I want to just send her a text without expecting anything but no, I am expecting sex in some kind of way. That is probably why I messaged her, because I am lonely and want to fuck her. We did have a great time getting stoned together also and she is good company. Aside from that I did go out last night and really did not enjoy it whatsoever, I found it to be so draining and not in the mood for talking or socializing. I was hoping to talk the whole time but socializing felt so hard that night. Like there was just so much resistence. I was really trying to push myself to be humorous and funny but nothing seemed to come from it. I went in to talk to girls and basically a lot seemed attracted to me but I was in a very logical state of mind caring so deeply about what they think of me. At a pub prior however, I met a girl who was in a philosophy meetup and we had a good chat. It felt somewhat more refreshing to actually have a conversation with someone but I would like to talk to the 'nornmies' and be funnny which I struggle the most with. I am debating whether to go out 2 or 3 days a week or to not go out at all. I kind of think that I am the person to kind of settle down if the right girl comes into my life and who likes me for me who I am. As I find all this seduction and game incredbly mentally challenging and draining. Getting a girls attention and not really knowing what to say. I want to talk about something funny. I suppose in that situation I just very in my head/stifled because I am not used to it. Should be grateful that many girls find me attractive I guess. I could be short and not good looking. Gratitude is something I need to do more often instead of completely harping on the negative. The mind is a real suffering maker, I don't know what I am going to be doing today. Just currently laying in bed having not much energy to get out but I want to have a productive day and at least try to grow in some way. Need to stop relying on girls for some kind of happiness and fulfillment - like I am wasting my days until I see them. I only really look forward to seeing them. I just so crave to live in abundance when it comes to women, I suppose I find it hard to socialize and beat myself up for having a defective personality. Like I am some kind of brick wall that does not like socialize. I just checked my phone to see if I got a text from the girl I slept with about meeting later and she said she is in another city but can do another night which is good I guess, I don't believe I have any plans tomorrow night so will see her then. I am looking forward to that. That has made me feel more loved/better and not so rejected. I am so used to feeling rejected. It just comes to show how much of my own happiness that I put into girls and the opposite sex. Basically everything, if it is a good reaction I feel good and a bad one I feel bad. I keep getting thoughts on not knowing what to say or how to express myself. I wish words can come onto tje journal without me getting these toxic and negative thoughts. I do feel more motivated to get out of bed now. I need to really stop relying on girls to fulfill me and become fulfilled by myself, just by doing the things that I totally enjoy. Going to attempt to do a lot of work for my Dad's business tomorrow and really put in the hours, I am actually talking to quite a fair few girls right now and it is not that bad because a lot of girls are actually attracted to me. For now I just need to focus on my own health/going to the gym.

@Phil I really did not want to do this journal entry as it is almost 5 in the morning and I am feeling extremely tired from clubbing but I must shed more awareness on dicordant beliefs that I hold that seem to keep on repeating. It is another night of clubbing which I really did not enjoy, I don't get how everyone around me looked like they were having so much fun smiling, dancing but I am there not enjoying any second of it. Socializing felt so draining to me, even speaking with my friends in the smoking area at the nightclub. The thought of opening my mouth felt like such a huge effort so I just decided to stay inside my head most of the time. I went out because I wanted to get better with women and improve my personality becauseI think it is dull and boring currently. I did do around 10 approaches or so but whenever I was communication with a women, I find it so hard and stifling. Asking questions about each other. I was not even interested about the other person. I just felt a huge sense of nervousness and them judging me on how I am acting the whole time. Of course girls were into me but my extreme fear to escalate to anything further was to much. I got a few numbers here and there but I fundamentally just don't enjoy going out socializing in the nightlife. I don't relate to anyone in the clubbing scene and find it all fake. I find the whole thing so judgemental and fake. I just want to get a few girls who I can sleep with, or connect with but it seems impossible as my social skills are so bad. I have been going out for.a few months and don't notice much change. Whenever I approach a girl, her attention is so short and I instantly always assume why she doesn not like me. I sometimes won't say anything hoping she will leave and she does. Of course I get blank mind also, Even when I am talking to a girl, I sometimes leave set prematurely because I go uncomfortable sensations. Anways I am borderline about to pass out so going to go to sleep now. Way to tired and spacey. I want good social skills

Starting to feel a lot more tired as the day goes on, I did not get much sleep last night as I went out to practice pickup and did not go to sleep until around 7 in the morning. I am learning my social skills though and it is something that I want to improve. Been reading A course in miracles which was recommended by a friend and I found that it has really been speaking to me. It seems to be very much Christian based but explains how miracles can happen when you connect with god or source and remove the identification with the ego. Made me borderline tearful and definitely something to think about. I want to go out tonight to practice socializing but I am so tired so perhaps I need a nap soon. I want to try to go harder tonight when it comes to pickup, last night was not the best venune choice and I spent a lot of my time doing it in the streets where girls would just tell me to 'fuck off' a lot of the time. It did not seem to affect me because there are just situations that are outside of your control but in the future I will go to bars/clubs and talk to people there as they are generally more receptive to being talked to. I need to do an elevate workout today as well as humour exercises and some other stuff, I really hope that I can get all this done before I go out later on tonight. Kind of tempted to get a takeaway later on - like a pizza or something but at the same time it is so unhealthy. I do find that one of my core values is definitely going to be health and I seem to consistently eat unhealthy all the time but I am obsessed with going to the gym and putting muscle on. I hate that sometimes I get thoughts of just not knowing what to say or beat myself up for saying the wrong thing, even on journaling. Going to do 30 minutes of this a day though and right now I currently feel so tired and want to go to sleep so badly, I think I will just take a nap soon. I do seem to feel somewhat hurt that the girl I messed who I had sex with in the past has not responded when I asked if she wanted to come around to mine Sunday. I have not seem to of met her in a while but I did try my best and it is on her if she does not want to meet. I will send her another text tomorrow to see but lately I find that I am just not really wanting other people to make me happy. It is nice though as she had weed, but most of my life I have wanted other people to make me feel some sort of completion and that is just not possible. Don't get me wrong sex is nice and I crave it a lot but it is how I am in relationship to sex which can be toxic. I should be living my own life and being passionate about that and if sex happens then cool, and if not also cool. Life still goes on. I honestly don't even know what to say at this point but my mind does feel overwhelmed as my Dad is expecting me to get cracking down on doing business work next week which is going to hard. I literally have zero work ethic and he wants me to do a new website within a month. I am so used to being addicted to hedonism and short term pleasure, so I guess a part of me is somewhat scared on what is going to happen next week. I find that there is a constant need for me to do something all the time, like so many habits and different things I must get done during the day which I find takes out the joy of the day. I always find that I am constantly grinding to achieving the next thing instead of taking a step back. It is never ending, I am always wanting to improve my life as if I am not already perfect. I can't just seem to sit down and chill. If I do that I feel like I will be wasting precious time that I could be on self-actualization. Still worried about not having much of a sense of direction but I believe that it will come to me if I just expose myself to more life experience, continue journaling on here and expressing myself. Journaling feels so odd to me because I am really not used to it when I have been so stuck in isolation without any outlet for self expression. Basically just constantly in my head 24/7. Now when I communicate, I sometimes beat myself up saying the wrong thing.

@Phil Okay so on my date last night I really tried to follow Phils advice and do something different of just trying to be more of myself. Of course I did notice at some parts of the date that there were discordant thoughts and really out of presence. Overall though, probably one of the best and most enjoyable dates I have actually been on. She was a really attractive Spanish girl with an amazing tan - I would probably rate her around 7/8. I originally got her number at a club by doing cold approach and she was very receptive but we did not talk much as she was with her friend at the same. She was very much into me over text though and it was 2 days later we ended up meeting (yesterday). The plan was that she was going to come over to mine and I was going to have sex with her. It felt good to me at the time, so I just went along with it. I put some music on in my room and we started talking a bit. I wanted to get to know her first before I tried to escalate, the feeling of just trying to have sex with a girl without even getting to know anything about them feels dirty. Like just using them for their body but I was trying my best to show a genuine and upmost curiousity about her desires and interests. I asked her if she wanted some water as we are going through a big heatwave in the UK currently and she did, she wanted to come with me to the kitchen. I was kind of hesitent as I live with my grandmother but I told her to stay in the lounge, I showed her some of my flat to build an extra level of comfort. Got her water and we both headed back to my room. Where we talked some more, played music and eventually sat down on my bed watching something on netflix - laying next to each other. I put my hand around her and she was very much wanting to snuggle me so we did that few a little but until I just said I really want to kiss you and then we started to make out for a bit. That did not go on for long however as she said something which I was not expecting - "I am on my period". I find having sex with girls on there periods rather disgusting so I just kissed her some more and layed back. I found this to be a good opportunity to use to just get to know her better without any expectation regarding sex whatever but we were both sweating at that time in my room and she suggested about going for a swim in the sea. I thought that was a great idea so we both got ready, went for a swim, got amazing ice cream, talking a lot. She kept on saying I was really funny as I was just talking with no filter really and being myself without caring if she liked/did not like me. She kept on calling me crazy/funny and said she liked me. Anyway after our swim at the beach, we ended up going back to hers to chill for a bit and cuddled, talked, listened to music. I tried putting something on T.V on her projector but did not really watch much of it. We cuddled a lot and it felt very nice to just be around someone without this expectation of sex. I took it completely out of my mind. She was so kind she even payed for a takeaway for us, so when we next meet I will definitely return the favour. We were together for around 5 hours in total and it flew by, there was no unenjoying the process or anything. I very much enjoyed it because the resistence non existent and I was thinking more positive thoughts about her and myself and how we are just going to have a great time together. I genuinely don't think I have ever been a carefree date as that without the trying to be liked or to impress her in some way which feels so discordant. Instead I was just being funny most of the time and that felt good to me. Something I am starting to think I enjoy doing is making people laugh, seeing smiles on there face. It is amazing to me to be so at ease like that and to try and love others in such an uncoditional way without being selfish and on how you can manipulate reality which feels bad. People are amazing and everyone has such unique interests and desires. Of course some parts of the interaction felt discordant as I am trying to improve my social skills but I find that I am actually learning more about what I like/don't like just by simply talking to others. A part of me craved sex, of course but I did not let the control the interaction. I will probably be upset if I don't meet her again but I know that I was myself and I had a good time in the interaction, that was the main thing. I enjoyed myself compared to most dates which I don't. Just slightly concerned of leading her on, perhaps I should of asked what she is looking for as I have this thing about causing suffering to people. There are some parts I felt I did not perform as well but I am being kind to myself as it is a process of learning how to socialize + enjoying the process. Being good with people is not something that just happens overnight.

Wooh! Found myself doing a 1 hour podcast just trying to improve my social skills, I feel very proud that I manage to accomplish something like that. Intending to do 1 hour a week podcast of me just talking about some topic, I notice that some of the moments I was in an incredible flow state and other moments where I was not very present at all and incredibly lost in thought. I think doing this is a great way for me to learn more about myself and was recommend by Julien. After that though, I did find myself falling incredibly deeply into habituated movements, just moving around the flat not really doing anything. Thinking about what to do but felt very lost in the thinking process. This is going to be another 15 minute journal entry and going to try to do 2 journal entries a day if possible. Really excited for this attractive spanish girl to be coming over to mine at 7 which is in like an hour but I feel nervous at the same time. Like how am I going to have sex with her? I suppose that is the wrong frame of mind to have, I should be curious and interested in her and what she is into. I said that we can have some ice cream on my romantic balcony but I live with my grandmother and I have not told her that so I will try to just bring her into my room, which is near the front door and be with her there. It feels quite odd and awkward having a stranger coming to mine for the first time, that I don't even particularly know but she said she found me attractive when I met her on the night out. I have to be happy with being myself when I am around her and if I lose her so be it. I was just doing what I do and we did not connect, no hard feelings. I need to try to train my mind to think like that. Not having so much expectation on the other or really wanting to sleep with the other person so desperately that it feels very incongruent and leaves me speechless most times because I simply think should I say this or that so that I can have sex with her? It seems like some kind of accomplishment for me to have sex with a girl though that is why I think like it, like the fastest way I can sleep with her. Lately I have just been trying to fake it until I make it. Give a high value persona so that she perceives me in a high value way. I just hope she does not judge me for living with my grandmother. I am kind of afraid of her finding out and it turning her off or something. I will just say that I am looking after my grandmother. She has been texting me quite a bit. Just hope she is comfortable going straight into my bedroom, I don't see why not? I really wanted to go swimming today but have been very busy with going to gym, podcast, self love exercises, comedy exercises and so much more.... I am going to commit to doing 30 minutes of journaling a day on this forum also to build up a lot of experience when it comes to expressing myself because for the longest time in my life, I have just been inside my own head, not talking to anyone. I already find myself speaking and communicating more authentically and words just coming more naturally to me. Perhaps it is the dropping of the belief that I am bad at expressing myself and letting things almost flow through me. In the future, I would ideally like to not be so much obsessed about women. That seems to be one of my greatest weak points. I am talking to quite a few women right now and finding that it can become quite distracting and almost making me live off purpose with my life. Constantly seeing all these women every week is a huge time commitment. Ideally I just want a rotation of around 3 girls that I regularly see for sex and I think it is how I frame the whole interaction also. I have thought about getting a girlfriend but not 100% sure as I still feel the need to get better at interacting with others and putting myself out there which is why I am actually going out tonight. I am honestly super suprised that this girl is coming straight over to mine, basically on the first date. Perhaps she is looking to just get fucked also. Who knows. It just feels very suprising for me, I am used to meeting women out in public and going for drinks at bar which is very unenjoyable for me. I would much rather be out somewhere in nature but I do that because it seems easier to try to have sex with her. Maybe the more I practice these self-love exercises, the more I will not need to see anyone in order to feel better about myself. There is a huge sense of incompleteness within my own psyche of just not being enough by myself, due to being bullied at school, having friends who use to constantly put me down. It basically conditioned me with all these toxic beliefs about myself. I feel it mainly when going out to try to socialize and not knowing what to say. For the longest time I really avoided socializing but that is not healthy either because socializing is a great skillset to learn and develop. I do want to become a social master and I am going to look at the girl coming over to mine as yet just another reference experience on which I can analyze what I did right/wrong and if she wants to go without having sex, so be it. At least I learnt something. I do also find myself enjoying more social interactions.