Eternal

Another day that I am laying in bed wasting my time doing nothing at all. Not even knowing how to express myself on this journal, everything seems so forced. I feel a sense of emptiness. I am way to much in my head to the point where I don't even know what to say. I experience unhappiness on a daily basis a majority of the time. "I say tomorrow is going to be different" but that never happens, every day repeats itself. Like it is groundhog day, over & over again with this damaged ego identity. It feels like I am just wasting my existence doing nothing with my life. I tell myself, I need to introduce productive habits but it never happens. I think negatively a lot with a victim mentality. I know what need to be done but nothing every seems to get done. I seem to enjoy being complacent & lazy to the point where I don't even really know what I enjoy in life. I don't even know what to do for a career. It gets to me mentally & emotionally being under my family still with a bad financial life. I should of grown up by now.... Why do all these negative thoughts constantly come up to my surface, anyway I am going to switch off now as I don't want to journal when I feel like I cannot even express myself properly

I want to understand female attraction before the loving, conscious relationship though Getting into a relationship does not make the fear go away of attracting the opposite sex/being bad at it What if one day I break up? I will still be that guy who sucks with women

I am tall (6'6), good looking, good physique (regularly workout), easily get dates from online but I have a horrible dating life & it gets deeply frustrating since most of the time my basic survival needs are not getting met. It feels worse when you know down deep inside that you could be doing so much better with women. About the last 15 online dates, I have failed all of them. I unconsciously reject myself from the opposite sex. Women easily give me signs of attraction also. The problem is not attracting women because that is incredibly easy for me, from past experience. It is interacting with them & getting the feeling of having a shit personality because I get rejected a majority of my dates. I have never really tried doing cold approach properly, I get good results with online game but at the same time it hurts my self esteem & makes me feel worthless. It has been a troubling inner battle for a long time now. Fear is so extremely strong with cold approach + having no others who are interested in this makes it even harder but I feel like this affects all aspects of my life currently. The most dominant force in my life is fear, fear of rejection. It's become so crippingly bad that it controls my entire life. I will go out to bars & clubs & not even do any approaches because I feel better about feeling bad. It's such a self fulfilling prophecy. I know these are all just negative thoughts but it is deep down, a dominating force in my life. I just want to regularly have sex with females & be good at dating, expressing myself. This has held me back so much in my life. This horrible social anxiety. I am even scared about what could happen if I do approach. I am terrified of the possibility of getting loads of women so easily, because it will completely shatter my worthless, loser identity that I have moulded for myself over the last so many years. I have even slept with about 35 women (most of whom approached me), quite a few where unattractive but I felt that was the only option I had at that given time. Coming to think of it, I have never really hit on girls. The fear is terrifying because I have never even really done it. I want to improve this situation so badly. I crave a loving, conscious relationship but I need to get good at attracting women first. I want to learn how to screen women out, how to find the 'right' partner for me. I know there is no right partner but I still want one that has as little issues as possible. What's worse is when I go out, I actively go out of my own way to not approach so I can feel better about my constructed identity. I am terrified of change. Even on dates, I won't try to push them. It's just boring interview/platonic talk for a few hours & we hug goodbye. My conscious side of me wants to change but my subconscious has its own plan... How do I change ? ughhhhh How do I get such bad inner thoughts but yet look so different externally, I don't get it? realistically I should have so much more confidence than I currently do. I don't even know if I should do inner work first or not. It gets so frustrating, because this consumes so much of my mind.... it even gets to the point where I am starting to repress my own male sexuality & feel worse for doing so. I need to change...

Thank you very much, I have been feeling better lately. I just need to do things that genuinely make me feel good.

I am just going to share how I have been feeling lately & how I feel a majority of the time. Whenever I wake up in the morning I feel a sense of disappointment as this is just another day that is going to be wasted mindlessly wasting time on my computer to just pass through yet another day until I go back to sleep, the only thing I look forward to in life is going back to sleep during my day. I waste time with online dating, browsing forums, watching pointless youtube videos that I already know the stuff to so I can get through another day of a passionless life. I have a bad financial, dating, spiritual life... I don't enjoy communicating with anyone as I view it as a waste of time & don't make any effort to talk to anyone. I get a lot of negative thoughts in my mind throughout the day. I know these are all thoughts but I feel my situation never really changes. I feel worse the longer it goes on. The main issue that has been frustrating me a lot lately within my own mind is not knowing what I want to do for my future career as I find that I don't enjoy anything he possibilities seem endless. I don't want to be a victim but I feel like my own ego has a mind of it's own, I will go out on dates and not even try to esculate as a man just make myself worthless. I am good looking, get loads of attention from women when I go out clubbing. Get matches with online dating but I fail to communicate with them beyond a first date. They typically reject me because they can sense how uncomfortable I am around them on the date. I generally do not enjoy being there in that moment. I do not know what to say. When they say something to me, I have to think right at that moment to say something back. Whenever they are talking, I am always thinking of what to say after as to keep the conversation going. This rejection of the opposite sex, I feel is really getting to me emotionally. It makes me feel worthless inside. I feel like I have such an internal low sense of self esteem. My inner self feels incredibly weak (even a girl told me that on a date recently). I subconsciously self sabotage myself into good situations when it comes to connecting with others. I even went on dates with a few girls that I genuinely really liked, we had a lot in common but I always seem to be the one getting rejected. That seems to just make me more needy. I don't have any friends that I interact with, been basically socially isolating myself for years so even basic communication with others I find difficult. I feel very bad at keeping attention from others. I like to just stay with my own thoughts. Only my family love me & that kind of just feels like forced love. I wish someone would just love me for being me that is not to do with my family. It makes me feel really lonely. I am really interested in self actualizing my potentional as a human being, I want to get a great career, have a great dating life, be well educated, amazing spiritual life but that all feels so far out of reach. I try to incorporate good & healthy habits but I always end up backsliding sooner or later. I tend to feel worse when I am consciously aware of the stuff that I actually need to be doing to improve my own situation & life but just do not do it. I try to go out twice a week for ages to improve my seduction skills but my own mind will purposefully refuse to do any approaches even if girls give me clear signs of interest. Simply because a part of me likes being this way. I hate the feeling of wasting your life. I try to go to meetups to socialize but it is honeslty my worst nightmare, I typically just sit in a corner and not talk to anyone. I am way to logical & analytical to enjoy socializing positive habit for the last year. The worst part about it is that I know what I need to do but fail to change anyway, I know what advice my family will give me. I am seeing a counseller on Wednesday. I highly doubt they will be able to help as I probably know more than them since I have a lot of self help knowledge of self improvement. I just fail to take action. I have become picky about who I want as a friend/mate as I find a lot of people out there are not interested in the same thing as me. I also feel stupid as I did not even take my GCSES & didn't do well in school. I was bullied for all of my schooling life, went to around 15 different schools, 3 different countries. A majority of the schools I felt unwanted/ostracized. I currently live with my grandmother who is 93 & constantly asks me the same questions every single day, I feel a sense of suffocation. She comes down to my side of the flat a lot, walks around ect.. she is an extremely fearful person. She loves me though but I don't seem to love anyone else as I don't have any emotional capacity. I always feel very apathetic. I genuinely don't like being in my own room. My mum lives close by, she loves me also but I find her to overwhelming. I feel overwhelmed by all my family loving me & I cannot love them back. I feel like I am wasting my time communicating with anyone. I just want to live by myself without my family somewhere in the countryside where I can drive to a city to occasionaly socialize. I just want to be free to live by myself so I can pursue my own spiritual practices & raise my own consciousness but I have been saying this for ages and nothing changes because I have a rubbish financial situation & I have no idea how to change it since I am not sure what to create of value to people. I don't want to manipulate people into giving me money. I want to do something more higher consciousness. I just don't know what that unique idea is. It is a feeling of being completely lost. I enjoy going to the gym, technology, building websites, consciousness & understanding reality but I don't have that much education in it. The one thing I hate is communicating with others in person. I would rather be someone behind the scenes. I want to have my own business, making passive income, being free from my family, having a great connection with others... good dating life... I need help because I don't like wasting my days, the only thing I look forward to is going back to sleep at night I feel lost/confused/rejected/alone/passionless