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I Want to Be a Mess


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I want to be a mess right now.


I don't want to be "healed" I don't want to be special or enlightened. 


I wanna keep being crazy, keep being impulsive.


Why not keep sitting down and be lost in samsara forever? 


I wanna sit down with a pulsing headache, bloated stomach, fiending for the next bowl of fruit. 


I wanna be upset, confused, lost. 


I don't care about peace, happiness, love. These are all culturally imposed on us, we are programmed to constantly seek what is "good", as long as we seek what is good, we imply that right now we aren't good enough.


I like being a mess. 


I was perfectly fine being a mess, till Buddha came and fucked everything up. 


I'm gonna keep sitting down and being a mess, just feeling slow, dull, bland. 


What the hells wrong with that?! 


Enlightenment is a hoax, it's a lie! A goddamn lie! 


So is suffering! That's a lie too! 


All I'm left with is....well who cares anyway! Mind your own business!


Leave me alone, let me suffer! I'm happy suffering! 😊 


Sounds dramatic as hell 😬


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On 11/1/2022 at 7:45 PM, Orb said:

All I'm left with is....well who cares anyway! Mind your own business!


Haha, I would, but I'm nosy. 🧐


On 11/1/2022 at 7:45 PM, Orb said:

Leave me alone, let me suffer! I'm happy suffering! 😊 


Well,  as long as your happy 😉



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You can't be any of those things and little Buddha can't screw it up. All little Buddha was telling you is all you can be is just being, just, be. All the other stuff is crap, just be, it's all you can do, and you can't not do it, it's just the thinking otherwise that's crap

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Been there, and it's all cool, but I found that it wasn't actually true. It felt good for a while because it lifted the pressure off of me, that I was imposing by trying to reach this perfect, healed, balanced and enlightened version of myself. I was trying to be one way all the time. Eliminate all else that is not peace, love and light. It didn't work, of course. I became super tense and afraid of "loosing it". Spiralling back down into all that "nastiness".


It was but a polar response to what I was doing previously. Swinging from one side to another.


So I would say, yes, accept your shadowy stuff. Bathe in it and "enjoy it" if you feel like that's what's needed. But do not choose one side over the other. It's not up and it's not down. It's right here. Whatever it is. Try to include and integrate "the mess" within you. Make something out of it. Create something. See how it's all here to assist you in your greatest evolution. Love it, hate it, do whatever is true to you in that moment. Just be as you are. Light will shine through.

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On 11/5/2022 at 5:40 PM, Orb said:


@Devin I have faith that I can just be, I'm gonna begin daily morning meditation once again.

It's really a basic choice, you definitely can. If you inspect your thoughts they'll crumble, the choice is more choosing to not just automatically believe thoughts, but to inspect a thought when you're not peaceful to see if it's actually based on an assumption, and they all are which means you may as well follow the path you're aligned with, follow the peace, which is ultimately what we seek anyway, it's just we're taught that we need to do something like sacrifice today for happiness and peace tomorrow BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE,


every moment in your life peace comes down to the choice in that moment, you can have peace in any and every moment, it's always an option no matter the circumstance. But what's even more awesome than just that is that you can then appreciate a wider spectrum and that's very filling and an unexpected enjoyment, like a new fun activity you discover and you love it it's your new favorite yet you had never even heard of it before, enjoying "hard/bad times"


This is what they call 'consciousness' and 'free will'

Free will is choosing to inspect, and choosing peace

Consciousness is the being aware that you're believing assumptions, being aware you have a choice to believe it or not, and choose peace or not. Free will is hard to see in just the material plane, but it's plain as day in this dynamic, it's felt plain as day, I can choose peace or not


Love ya brother, you're in for a ride more amazing than you imagine, fulfilling, infinite, joy and peace

Edited by Devin
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