I Want to Be a Mess

[Orb]

I want to be a mess right now.

 

I don't want to be "healed" I don't want to be special or enlightened. 

 

I wanna keep being crazy, keep being impulsive.

 

Why not keep sitting down and be lost in samsara forever? 

 

I wanna sit down with a pulsing headache, bloated stomach, fiending for the next bowl of fruit. 

 

I wanna be upset, confused, lost. 

 

I don't care about peace, happiness, love. These are all culturally imposed on us, we are programmed to constantly seek what is "good", as long as we seek what is good, we imply that right now we aren't good enough.

 

I like being a mess. 

 

I was perfectly fine being a mess, till Buddha came and fucked everything up. 

 

I'm gonna keep sitting down and being a mess, just feeling slow, dull, bland. 

 

What the hells wrong with that?! 

 

Enlightenment is a hoax, it's a lie! A goddamn lie! 

 

So is suffering! That's a lie too! 

 

All I'm left with is....well who cares anyway! Mind your own business!

 

Leave me alone, let me suffer! I'm happy suffering! 😊 

 

Sounds dramatic as hell 😬. 

[Faith]

On 11/1/2022 at 7:45 PM, Orb said:

All I'm left with is....well who cares anyway! Mind your own business!

 

Haha, I would, but I'm nosy. 🧐

 

On 11/1/2022 at 7:45 PM, Orb said:

Leave me alone, let me suffer! I'm happy suffering! 😊 

 

Well,  as long as your happy 😉

 

💙

[Orb]

@Faith 😊💙

 

I am feeling happy right now, all I'm left with is some nice peppermint tea and relaxation. 

[ivankiss]

Been there, and it's all cool, but I found that it wasn't actually true. It felt good for a while because it lifted the pressure off of me, that I was imposing by trying to reach this perfect, healed, balanced and enlightened version of myself. I was trying to be one way all the time. Eliminate all else that is not peace, love and light. It didn't work, of course. I became super tense and afraid of "loosing it". Spiralling back down into all that "nastiness".

 

It was but a polar response to what I was doing previously. Swinging from one side to another.

 

So I would say, yes, accept your shadowy stuff. Bathe in it and "enjoy it" if you feel like that's what's needed. But do not choose one side over the other. It's not up and it's not down. It's right here. Whatever it is. Try to include and integrate "the mess" within you. Make something out of it. Create something. See how it's all here to assist you in your greatest evolution. Love it, hate it, do whatever is true to you in that moment. Just be as you are. Light will shine through.

[Orb]

@ivankiss I didn't really enjoy it you were right, I was coping. 

 

I know theres hope, thats for sure!

 

@Devin I have faith that I can just be, I'm gonna begin daily morning meditation once again.

[auroraskye]

If you're gonna be there anyway in that moment, regardless of the supposed reason, you might as well ""enjoy"" what you can. (Or: "enjoy" what you don't enjoy.) Even on purpose. Not forcing yourself to think of the next step or what you "should" be doing.  You don't even have to bother framing the way you feel in terms of mental constructs and words and what not. Just revel in that feeling, haha.

 

(Oh: it looks like this answer was given already.)