Dissociation

[Blessed2]

So I just told my girlfriend that basically I don't see a future with us and I don't want a family with her... That I feel stuck, unhappy, that this is not what I want.

 

I thought being honest would finally give that feeling of liberation and ease I've been missing, but it didn't, quite the contrary.

 

I feel dissociated, lost, dark, even more lost than before. All feelings are as if fogged. I don't know what is the right way, what I feel, what I want... It's all hazy, disconnected, uncertain. I hate it. Can't stand it. I had to buy wine. It seemed like the only way to have even some clarity...

 

I went totally emotionally disconnected and dissociated. She was crying, basically expressing grief... And I just couldn't feel it, I just felt disconnected. I just walked out to buy wine.

 

I just feel completely lost. I don't understand what is going on. I thought I did the right thing, being honest. I though this honesty and being open was the right thing... But I just feel worse.

 

I feel angry at the universe for all this. Why is this so uncertain, why is everything so fogged?? I don't understand why this is happening. It feels like everything is broken.

 

My whole life is a big mess, we're going to break up probably, I need to move out, everything is fucked and uncertain and I just can't handle it. This is way too much. I'm breaking under the pressure.

 

I'm scared because it's so intense... I'm afraid I can't handle it.

 

@Mandy Would like to hear from you.

[Mandy]

26 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 That I feel stuck, unhappy, that this is not what I want.

Don't try to end a relationship in order to feel better, pay attention to how you feel better first and if you're meant to move on it will happen naturally from a place of love and mutual desire. Do you really think that the reason you feel these things is because of her? Or is it the way the  thoughts about it aren't resonating? When you are in a dark thick forest, just sit down until daylight. DO NOT try to find your way in the dark. Do not try to end or resolve things from these emotional states. Alcohol is going to fog everything up more that's why you're attracted to it. It's ok, you're ok. Just stay. One moment at a time. 

 

A lot of what we do in relationship and career will fail to fulfill us if we only seek to be fulfilled BY those things. When we seek to give however, magic happens and that's very often where the missing fulfillment we were hoping to have provided by others shows up.

 

This is  so simplified and boiled down (of course) but there's something really beautiful about it.

 

 

What if that is what we really want? 

 

I've been with my husband since I was 17, and especially in the beginning I let my emotions and my own discord get the best of me and I tried to end it several times. For whatever reason he always held steady and never gave up, even though I hurt him a lot. It might be what you're wanting to apologize, feel and really communicate. The idea that "this is for life" and of starting a family can feel very overwhelming, and then the idea of breaking up and finding a new place feels the same way, because it was never the circumstance only the emotion, but again, it's always ever of this moment. 

 

 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

Mad props on self-respect. 👊🏼 

The less you think so to speak, and instead express the emotions experienced, the less suffering and the more relief & comfort there is.

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

Do you really think that the reason you feel these things is because of her?

 

I don't actually. But it just doesn't feel right. Maybe it's my beliefs, but something's gotta change. I'm not taking this anymore. I'm going to be honest. If it's a break-up, it is. I want to be happy, that's it. I want to feel my life is going where I want to go.

 

I want to have kids, I want a family, I want my desires. I'm sorry for her, I'm sorry that this is what it is. But I want happiness.

[Blessed2]

59 minutes ago, Phil said:

Mad props on self-respect. 👊🏼 

 

🙂

 

59 minutes ago, Phil said:

The less you think so to speak, and instead express the emotions experienced, the less suffering and the more relief & comfort there is.

 

Just wondering if she will be alright... Break-up seems quite inevitable to be honest. I know I don't want this, even though it sucks and hurts. But will she find the love she deserves?

 

Truly, this woman... An angel. You wouldn't believe it. She has given me so much. Even when I've been a total butthead. She deserves it all. Will she be alone? Will she be alright?

[Phil]

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Just wondering if she will be alright... Break-up seems quite inevitable to be honest. I know I don't want this, even though it sucks and hurts. But will she find the love she deserves?

 

Truly, this woman... An angel. You wouldn't believe it. She has given me so much. Even when I've been a total butthead. She deserves it all. Will she be alone? Will she be alright?

The less she thinks so to speak, and instead expresses the emotions experienced, the less suffering and the more relief & comfort there is.

🙂

It’s just how suffering works. 

 

You’ll both be alright. Heck you both already are alright. Hard to see sometimes though I know. Everything really is working out for you, and her. If she just wasn’t ‘the one’ for you, you’re very much doing the decent thing here. Feel good about that. You’re freeing her, and yourself, to find someone you more deeply connect & resonate with. 

 

Might be a good time to take comfort in considering Source’s perspective. We’re all God’s children. We’re always loved unconditionally. When we’re not feeling it, we’re not receiving, or, allowing it, and that’s a lot of love, so sometimes we feel a lot of resistance. 

[Blessed2]

We just had a conversation and yeah, we broke up. Though we feel both pretty good about it, relieved. It seems like we can go on as friends and things might work out. 🙂

 

Though there is still this weird 'foggy' feeling... Sort of doubt, worry, disconnected feeling? I don't understand what it's about. It started pretty much the moment we met. It is as if right from the beginning a veil of fog was placed over my eyes. Sort of a dissociating, uncertain feeling... It has been going on for the entire year almost. Been wondering what it's about, and been wondering why this relationship happened... It's been a crazy journey. Though there has been no answers from the 'above' 🤔

 

I thought it would be lifted, I thought it would finally be over when I open up honestly and do what's right. But for some reason I still haven't felt that feeling of clarity, lightness and relief I've been waiting for...

 

@Phil Any idea what this 'veil of fog' might be about?

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Any idea what this 'veil of fog' might be about?

It will lift. Think about a psychedelic trip and receding through the void or darkness aka a breakthrough, usually followed by clarity & a bodily clearing out. It’s very much the same with honesty & integrity. It’s like there’s a little less void / a little clearing away. It can be a dark & foggy period. Not as fast as a trip, slower but lasting. Plus the change in your relationship can be emotional. Give it a little more time, there’ll definitely be clarity.

 

Loa wise hindsight clarity & insights will probably naturally arise. Aspects of what you wanted and didn’t want relative to what you attracted, and what you now know you more so want going forward. Insights into conditioning or the ‘why’s’ of what you attracted might pop up too. Some great ah ha’s coming imo. As always imo great time to add details to the dreamboard. 

 

Overall it sounds like a lot in a short time too, so I’d be patient & careful with expectations. Clarity, lightness & relief are helped along by not expecting clarity, lightness & relief. Even with an amicable break up there’s some shifting of emotions & energy if you will. Takes a little time for the dust to settle, and then there’s the ol clarity. 

[Blessed2]

@Phil Thanks for the insight and encouragement 🙂👍

[Blessed2]

I think that I can't live alone.

 

I lived by myself for a few years, and it was horrible. Alcohol, drugs, bills unpaid, horrible mess, despair, fear.

 

I don't think I gan go back there. I just can't live alone. I need someone to be with me, to support me. If I live alone, even things like bills coming from the mail makes me feel like everything is falling apart, and I'm being crushed by it.

 

Also I can't live with some random roommate. I feel like I need like sort of a mom to support me. ☹️

 

 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Make a list of all your bills, and other commitments. Pay online and automate everything you can. Buy a mail container for your fridge to put all mail in. Set a timer every week for 15 minutes and go through the mail. 

 

If you get overwhelmed with cleaning, set a timer for 15 minutes and clean, then break for 5 and do it again. 

 

Set aside a day for grocery shopping and meal planning. 

 

The emotion of overwhelm will have you thinking you cannot, but everything is accomplished one easy step at a time. T

[Phil]

On 11/1/2022 at 12:46 PM, Blessed2 said:

I think that I can't live alone.

And it doesn’t resonate because the truth ‘says’ you can. 

Listen to the truth. ‘That’s’ you. 

On 11/1/2022 at 12:46 PM, Blessed2 said:

I lived by myself for a few years, and it was horrible. Alcohol, drugs, bills unpaid, horrible mess, despair, fear.

The despair & fear aren’t about the living alone, or being alone, or the alcohol, drugs, bills, or mess. 

The despair & fear are felt about the belief, the idea, of who you are. 

The alchohol & drugs are a means of dissociating from the truth of this. 

A means of the mind dissociating from the unconditional love you are, which is appearing as the mind. 

 

On 11/1/2022 at 12:46 PM, Blessed2 said:

I don't think I gan go back there. I just can't live alone. I need someone to be with me, to support me. If I live alone, even things like bills coming from the mail makes me feel like everything is falling apart, and I'm being crushed by it.

 

Also I can't live with some random roommate. I feel like I need like sort of a mom to support me. ☹️

There is no actuality of regression. There is the thought ‘I can’t go back there’, but it is not actually possible to ‘go back there’. You, reality, are going forward. Present, and going forward. Present & going forward, there is no despair or fear, and there is no ‘back there’. The separate self of thought is never present. Present, bills are enjoyed. Present, is actual. You’re never in a past or future, thoughts just make it seem so. All thought without exception appears now. It’s only ever actually now.