Feeling down... I feel bad and at a double-edge sword

[fopylo]

Fucking hell man, what kind of person am I? Ugh... why am I behaving like this?

 

About a week and a half ago my friends from camp wanted to plan a meet up at someone's house. We haven't gathered all of us in quite a while so they kinda really wanted to meet up. The guy that is inviting us to his house, I'll name him Ernie.

I saw some guy upload to Instagram a restaurant next to where Ernie lives, so I sent it to Ernie and asked what he thinks about it, and he said that it's a nice place and we can all eat there and then come to his place. I wasn't hinting on going there, just asked in general.

A few days later the guys start talking in the group chat who's coming and it seems like they are pretty much waiting for my answer. Ernie said I should come and go to this pizza place I asked about. Y (another guy) said if I'm not coming then they'll jump me (in a humoristic manner).

But honestly, I just didn't feel like meeting them. I know how the meetings always go:

We meet up, sit, talk and drink a lot (and sometimes watch a movie or play a little video game).

A month ago I had my birthday party, and the next night I just felt terrible and eventually vomited (the last time before that that I vomited was like 10 years ago, so yeah, felt very shit). I connected it to the alcohol, however I didn't even drink that much (like when I have those gatherings of people from the camp). But still, I like to believe so, at least that it took part in my ill feeling.

So yeah, didn't feel like meeting them really.

Another mild reason is that I don't like eating shared food like pizza (don't like when people touch my food). Don't judge me on that.

 

About 2 days ago some guys from the bootcamp planned on meeting at a bar at that same day. Since I didn't feel like meeting those friends from camp, I thought why not meet those guys from the bootcamp.

(To clear understanding, the camp was a 6 month program of living together with people and traveling the country while learning and the goal was to develop yourself and living in a group; people go to camp by choice and it's often during the time between the end of highschool and the start of the military. Bootcamp is, well, bootcamp.)

 

The thing is that I really had no reason not to meet the guys from the camp. Ernie comes back home every second weekend, so we meet once every 2 weeks at most (usually like once every 1-2 months). However, Ernie's next time coming home will be longer than 11 days (a week and 5 days)... so for him it kinda sucks that I'm not coming, and I've started feeling guilty. Y had tried calling me (didn't answer, left a message) to ask me if I'm coming; Ernie did the same. To both of them I answered maybe/not sure, but Ernie started to question a bit, and I felt kinda uncomfortable, I just felt like stepping away even more from that meeting.

Today is the day of the meeting by the way.

 

I decided to meet the friends from bootcamp. As I was on my way to the big city of Tel-Aviv, I was passing close by to Ernie's small town (me and Ernie live quite close - a 10 minute drive, as opposed to the other people that live 1.5 and 3.5 hours away). I got off at a train station that they not long ago got off, and luckily we weren't close, they wouldn't've known it. But that guy H started asking me why I'm not coming and I just hate it. Fucking hell man, all of them are on my d*** (sorry), just leave me the f alone like what's their freaking obsession with whether I'm coming or not?

But nonetheless I did feel quite guilty: They planned it for some time, I had no reason why not to come, he lives very close to me and I also passed by.

 

So about the people from bootcamp:

There was some problem with the hours of the transportation, and I had no option but to be with them for  not longer than 2 hours (took like 1.5 hours to get there). We were only 4 people all together (all on the autism spectrum like me) and I would say the experience was meh... Above the fact I was also for a short time there.

The way back didn't get me all the way home because certain transportations had stopped working. But on my way back to the nearest bus station I saw 2 girls from my school I tried to avoid I contact, a cute couple kissing (which I envied, not gonna lie) and at the end surprisingly my ex-date (which was my first "kiss", which blocked me from her socials).

 

I tried searching for taxies, but I was waiting for a long time and no results appeared and so I thought I'm done.

Luckily I met a girl from a shared group of friends approaching the same spot as me and I asked if I could get a lift home. Eventually I got home and I felt lucky, and it was quite nice.

 

But yeah, still, the spot I was waiting at was close to Ernie's small town, and the guilt grew. I kinda fucked up. I feel kinda bad for not meeting with them, yet at the same time the meet up of some bootcamp people wasn't that amazing, so yeah, kinda at a double-edge sword - fucked up from both directions when all I wanted was some peace.

 

I had my worries on how the friends from camp will see me now... I mean there's no problem in not attending a meeting, but with such lame excuses? I literally didn't want to meet them today, just didn't feel like it, and I've decided that a few days ago but didn't tell them obviously. I just wanted to take some "break" from them. I promised I'll come to their next meeting, just hope they won't start digging into today's matter and treat me differently next time.

 

So yeah, now I just feel kinda down from all of that matter, or experiencing pessimism if you will

[Phil]

@fopylo

Pessimism? How so? Seems like jealousy. 

[fopylo]

@Phil

10 hours ago, Phil said:

Pessimism? How so? Seems like jealousy.

What makes you think so? How would pessimism sound more like?

[Phil]

@fopylo

Sounds like they were pretty loose and easy going about going, not thinkin so much about it. It’s likely that would be the case if they just didn’t feel like going too. 

[Mandy]

You can't just avoid something, you need to turn in the direction of what you really want to be doing instead. Sounds like you were really unclear in your intentions and were focusing on the alcohol, the annoyance with the people, the memory of being sick last time. 

 

When you write and express what happened, slow down a little bit, instead of simply recounting the story for others, stop sometimes and feel into it. Does it feel like good momentum, or bad momentum? You know how sometimes you feel like you gotta rant to someone to get something out of your system, but really the rant never feels good, it always just feels off, like the satisfaction is out of reach? Feel into it as you write and you'll get to the point where you yourself see the jealousy theme as you write, it sticks out at you. Be willing to really dig in. Dig deep. Notice what you are saying to yourself. 

 

On 10/20/2022 at 6:27 PM, fopylo said:

I just wanted to take some "break" from them. I promised I'll come to their next meeting, just hope they won't start digging into today's matter and treat me differently next time.

YOU do the digging. 

 

On 10/20/2022 at 6:27 PM, fopylo said:

But on my way back to the nearest bus station I saw 2 girls from my school I tried to avoid I contact, a cute couple kissing (which I envied, not gonna lie) and at the end surprisingly my ex-date (which was my first "kiss", which blocked me from her socials).

The succession of these events are not accidental, it's attracted. To make YOU aware of what your thoughts are attracting. 

[Phil]

There’s also going out & having the time of your life without drinking. 

[fopylo]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

Sounds like they were pretty loose and easy going about going, not thinkin so much about it. It’s likely that would be the case if they just didn’t feel like going too.

@Phil But how is it jealousy though?

[fopylo]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

You can't just avoid something, you need to turn in the direction of what you really want to be doing instead.

@Mandy Hits me time and time again during meditation I can tell you that😅

You can't just be trying to find the negative and then "fix" it; As long as the focus is on the discord then you aren't going any 'forwards'.

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

You know how sometimes you feel like you gotta rant to someone to get something out of your system,

Sometimes I feel like I'm lucky to have this forum where I can just let everything out when I feel heavy inside and people can listen and reach out, it's kinda nice. I remember those times of being overwhelmed and not knowing who to speak with about it. Some people just push everything down.

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

but really the rant never feels good, it always just feels off, like the satisfaction is out of reach?

Actually I felt kinda relieved. The purpose of writing it here is mostly for getting it out of my head and the people may read it and maybe even respond, even though the responses don't help much because I'm already relieved, but it feels good to receive responses.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Feel into it as you write and you'll get to the point where you yourself see the jealousy theme as you write, it sticks out at you.

You got me really curious. I really want to know how it stuck out I was expressing jealousy, because at the time of writing it I was actually thinking this was more like disappointment or pessimism.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

On 10/21/2022 at 1:27 AM, fopylo said:

I just wanted to take some "break" from them. I promised I'll come to their next meeting, just hope they won't start digging into today's matter and treat me differently next time.

YOU do the digging. 

Yeah I kinda said it lightly, in a light quick expression. It's like you imagine for 1 sec "Oh he's gone, he's gone" when you clearly know that no one's "gone" (can't be changed). Yeah, people are kinda fluid.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

The succession of these events are not accidental

I don't believe that because there's no way it was intentional. It is mere luck (or misfortune) to see the ex-date a few seconds after the 2 girls (they had nothing to do with eachother)

[Mandy]

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

You got me really curious. I really want to know how it stuck out I was expressing jealousy, because at the time of writing it I was actually thinking this was more like disappointment or pessimism.

You missed the jealousy while it was happening, while it was being shown to you. You might have been feeling pessimism or discouragement or disappointment while you wrote about it. 

 

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

I don't believe that because there's no way it was intentional. It is mere luck (or misfortune) to see the ex-date a few seconds after the 2 girls (they had nothing to do with eachother)

It's not mere luck or misfortunate, it's LOA attraction, its the "reality" of there not being a separate person from the outer world. If you create shit you respond to with negative emotion, use the expression to ask why. Otherwise it's just annoying or frustrating or discouraging to recount the tale without seeing the things that are being brought to light.

 

I have a son with high functioning autism. While he is not selfish or unloving whatsoever, and is actually very giving to others when it comes to money and gifts, he is very focused on himself. He does not pay much attention to the reactions of other people, he does not concern himself with how they are feeling. If there's something he can't tolerate, a loud sound, (someone touching their food), something in the cake at his friend's birthday he doesn't like there's a fixation on this, and a complete disregard for how the other people feel about him being obviously disgusted with it. On one hand this a gift to not care what others think and to be authentic, on the other hand it really affects his ability to connect and just plain old have fun with other people. It also gives him NO reason whatsoever to sit with his own aversions, even if the reason of "what other people think of me" is a bad one. So he just goes ahead and repeatedly talks about how horrible the mouse is on the specialty handmade birthday cake, in front of the person who's birthday it is, in front of the person who made it, while other people are enjoying their cake. It might be of value to sit with your own aversions a little bit more instead of acting on them, or immediately removing yourself from them (avoiding the party or gathering). I've also never seen him experience strong jealousy maybe because he is so focused on himself or his own interests, rather than on observing other people that he totally misses that aspect of things at least at this age. I'm sure that won't last forever. I think looking there at that emotion in particular, and sitting a bit more with your discomfort instead of averting is gonna be really key for you to feel the love and connection around other people that you're wanting. YOU ARE perfect as you are, it's not about becoming someone else, it's just about not averting from that okayness in the moment. 

[Phil]

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Phil But how is it jealousy though?

From your vantage they aren’t experiencing insecurity. 

Please keep in mind emotions are experience, and therein nothing is being said about you here. 

The ex-date represents the insecurity, and then there was the release of the resistance (“I’m done”) and then the newer girl magically showed up, but this was attributed to “luck”. But really you’re creating reality as you go. 

 

If you were being an ice cream shop the thought might arise ‘what kind of ice cream am I?’ and the obvious answer would be there’s no such thing as ice cream. 

[fopylo]

13 hours ago, Mandy said:

You missed the jealousy while it was happening

@Mandy What have I wrote that made you think that it sounds like jealousy though?

 

13 hours ago, Mandy said:

It's not mere luck or misfortunate, it's LOA attraction, its the "reality" of there not being a separate person from the outer world. If you create shit you respond to with negative emotion, use the expression to ask why. Otherwise it's just annoying or frustrating or discouraging to recount the tale without seeing the things that are being brought to light

I could probably understand if you'd say that focusing on something shitty leads to more shitty things appearing, but I still think it's a coincidence that in those two events I was encountered by women I tried to avoid.

 

13 hours ago, Mandy said:

I have a son with high functioning autism.

Sick as hell🔥

 

13 hours ago, Mandy said:

(someone touching their food), something in the cake at his friend's birthday he doesn't like there's a fixation on this, and a complete disregard for how the other people feel about him being obviously disgusted with it

I can relate to that. Most of my friends know me for my odd sterile perfectionistic behavior.

 

13 hours ago, Mandy said:

It might be of value to sit with your own aversions a little bit more instead of acting on them, or immediately removing yourself from them (avoiding the party or gathering).

I have tried sitting with it for a bit, but it still didn't make me somehow relax into it and decide to go to the gathering. It's like the feeling you get when you finally decide on a 'no'.

 

@Phil

12 hours ago, Phil said:

The ex-date represents the insecurity, and then there was the release of the resistance (“I’m done”) and then the newer girl magically showed up, but this was attributed to “luck”. But really you’re creating reality as you go. 

Wait hold on hold on, could you please further explain this? You got me curious.

When did I say I felt insecure, and that "I'm done"?

Also the last sentence

12 hours ago, Phil said:

If you were being an ice cream shop the thought might arise ‘what kind of ice cream am I?’ and the obvious answer would be there’s no such thing as ice cream

Nah man I lost you haha

[Phil]

@fopylo

Definitely not saying you’re insecure. Not at all the same. 

[Mandy]

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

I could probably understand if you'd say that focusing on something shitty leads to more shitty things appearing, but I still think it's a coincidence that in those two events I was encountered by women I tried to avoid.

 

Not ready for your invite to Hogwarts I see. 

 

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

can relate to that. Most of my friends know me for my odd sterile perfectionistic behavior.

"Most of my friends know me for" That's identity. What I'm saying to notice the suffering of the aversion when it strikes. You can have preferences, nothing is wrong with wanting people to be more considerate of touching people's food without washing their hands, etc, but demanding everything be just right or we don't attend things just leads to feeling left out. We are the ones leaving ourselves out.  Just notice when the suffering comes up instead of saying "that's the way I am." or "That's the way they are." 

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Mandy What have I wrote that made you think that it sounds like jealousy though?

When you see someone has what you want and you believe you don't have it too, and you don't like it that's jealousy. So you attempt to avoid them, thinking you can avoid the feeling. You engage in aversion rather than appreciated the desire that's being born. You want a girlfriend? You want a fun social life? You want ease and flow with all these things? No? No invitation to Hogwarts?