fopylo Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 Fucking hell man, what kind of person am I? Ugh... why am I behaving like this? About a week and a half ago my friends from camp wanted to plan a meet up at someone's house. We haven't gathered all of us in quite a while so they kinda really wanted to meet up. The guy that is inviting us to his house, I'll name him Ernie. I saw some guy upload to Instagram a restaurant next to where Ernie lives, so I sent it to Ernie and asked what he thinks about it, and he said that it's a nice place and we can all eat there and then come to his place. I wasn't hinting on going there, just asked in general. A few days later the guys start talking in the group chat who's coming and it seems like they are pretty much waiting for my answer. Ernie said I should come and go to this pizza place I asked about. Y (another guy) said if I'm not coming then they'll jump me (in a humoristic manner). But honestly, I just didn't feel like meeting them. I know how the meetings always go: We meet up, sit, talk and drink a lot (and sometimes watch a movie or play a little video game). A month ago I had my birthday party, and the next night I just felt terrible and eventually vomited (the last time before that that I vomited was like 10 years ago, so yeah, felt very shit). I connected it to the alcohol, however I didn't even drink that much (like when I have those gatherings of people from the camp). But still, I like to believe so, at least that it took part in my ill feeling. So yeah, didn't feel like meeting them really. Another mild reason is that I don't like eating shared food like pizza (don't like when people touch my food). Don't judge me on that. About 2 days ago some guys from the bootcamp planned on meeting at a bar at that same day. Since I didn't feel like meeting those friends from camp, I thought why not meet those guys from the bootcamp. (To clear understanding, the camp was a 6 month program of living together with people and traveling the country while learning and the goal was to develop yourself and living in a group; people go to camp by choice and it's often during the time between the end of highschool and the start of the military. Bootcamp is, well, bootcamp.) The thing is that I really had no reason not to meet the guys from the camp. Ernie comes back home every second weekend, so we meet once every 2 weeks at most (usually like once every 1-2 months). However, Ernie's next time coming home will be longer than 11 days (a week and 5 days)... so for him it kinda sucks that I'm not coming, and I've started feeling guilty. Y had tried calling me (didn't answer, left a message) to ask me if I'm coming; Ernie did the same. To both of them I answered maybe/not sure, but Ernie started to question a bit, and I felt kinda uncomfortable, I just felt like stepping away even more from that meeting. Today is the day of the meeting by the way. I decided to meet the friends from bootcamp. As I was on my way to the big city of Tel-Aviv, I was passing close by to Ernie's small town (me and Ernie live quite close - a 10 minute drive, as opposed to the other people that live 1.5 and 3.5 hours away). I got off at a train station that they not long ago got off, and luckily we weren't close, they wouldn't've known it. But that guy H started asking me why I'm not coming and I just hate it. Fucking hell man, all of them are on my d*** (sorry), just leave me the f alone like what's their freaking obsession with whether I'm coming or not? But nonetheless I did feel quite guilty: They planned it for some time, I had no reason why not to come, he lives very close to me and I also passed by. So about the people from bootcamp: There was some problem with the hours of the transportation, and I had no option but to be with them for not longer than 2 hours (took like 1.5 hours to get there). We were only 4 people all together (all on the autism spectrum like me) and I would say the experience was meh... Above the fact I was also for a short time there. The way back didn't get me all the way home because certain transportations had stopped working. But on my way back to the nearest bus station I saw 2 girls from my school I tried to avoid I contact, a cute couple kissing (which I envied, not gonna lie) and at the end surprisingly my ex-date (which was my first "kiss", which blocked me from her socials). I tried searching for taxies, but I was waiting for a long time and no results appeared and so I thought I'm done. Luckily I met a girl from a shared group of friends approaching the same spot as me and I asked if I could get a lift home. Eventually I got home and I felt lucky, and it was quite nice. But yeah, still, the spot I was waiting at was close to Ernie's small town, and the guilt grew. I kinda fucked up. I feel kinda bad for not meeting with them, yet at the same time the meet up of some bootcamp people wasn't that amazing, so yeah, kinda at a double-edge sword - fucked up from both directions when all I wanted was some peace. I had my worries on how the friends from camp will see me now... I mean there's no problem in not attending a meeting, but with such lame excuses? I literally didn't want to meet them today, just didn't feel like it, and I've decided that a few days ago but didn't tell them obviously. I just wanted to take some "break" from them. I promised I'll come to their next meeting, just hope they won't start digging into today's matter and treat me differently next time. So yeah, now I just feel kinda down from all of that matter, or experiencing pessimism if you will Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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