Something coming up on surface

[Blessed2]

Been experiencing worry that the school I'm going to and my studies are not right for me, that I can't do it, can't attain the skills and mastery, or that I am simply too lazy, too comfort-seeking, too unwilling to do the work that is required.

 

This kind of worry has been sort of running the show for a long time. Sort of worrying will I ever "make it", will I ever be sort of financially independent, will I FINALLY at some point feel like I can support myself and sort of be this respectable adult who got his shit together.

 

By "having my shit together" means basically just what respectable, functioning people should do, stuff like pay bills on time, not spend all money on stupid stuff and go broke, maybe even save money, have a future, a carreer, a clean home, etc.

 

Pretty much since the teens I've had trouble with this, and it is sort of true to be honest. I do think I am too lazy, too comfort-seeking, ya know, kind of a slob. It is true, even so far as to being a slob enough to not have the willingness to even try a bit not to be a slob. Not feeling open to try exit comfort zone etc.

 

This makes me feel insecurity, unworthiness, guilt, just feeling that I'm not good, that I should try do better, maybe even try dammit.

 

Some of it has to do with parents stuff, worrying if I will ever have my shit together and they don't need to support me like that. Same with other relationships too. Wondering others my age are moving forward, growing up, and I'm just stalling. Wondering if I have anything to offer to anyone, or am I just a loser.

 

So I've been sort of waiting for that time when I'll finally somehow just fix this, get to that place when I'm finally alright. Been waiting to finally find something, even just a hobby that actually inspires and gives some joy and content other than working and trying to not fail and be a slob. But so far, nothing. And it feels pretty horrible... Like something is wrong with me, since others have all sorts of things they are passionate about. Playing music, dancing, painting, sports... But I have nothing. Most things are just heavy, tiring, boring, irritating, something I'd really rather not do. Man does this make life and world seem dreadful at times.

 

Though I've been trying to make things work, trying to push myself to do the work, to study, to go to school, even though none of it has really felt right. I've done it because I've thought that I need to do it, otherwise I'll just be jobless, living on welfare, without future, others thinking I'm a loser, others more or less supporting me.

 

Not to mention that I would like to own a nice house, a car, maybe have kids, a summer cabin, stuff like that. But that takes like a lot of money and having ones shit together. But stuff like mortgage, carreer, etc is just so overwhelming and doesn't seem sustainable and stable way of things.

 

Man, winning a lottery would be like winning a lottery.

[Phil]

On 10/18/2022 at 7:38 PM, Blessed2 said:

Been experiencing worry that the school I'm going to and my studies are not right for me, that I can't do it, can't attain the skills and mastery, or that I am simply too lazy, too comfort-seeking, too unwilling to do the work that is required.

 

This kind of worry has been sort of running the show for a long time. Sort of worrying will I ever "make it", will I ever be sort of financially independent, will I FINALLY at some point feel like I can support myself and sort of be this respectable adult who got his shit together.

 

By "having my shit together" means basically just what respectable, functioning people should do, stuff like pay bills on time, not spend all money on stupid stuff and go broke, maybe even save money, have a future, a carreer, a clean home, etc.

 

Pretty much since the teens I've had trouble with this, and it is sort of true to be honest. I do think I am too lazy, too comfort-seeking, ya know, kind of a slob. It is true, even so far as to being a slob enough to not have the willingness to even try a bit not to be a slob. Not feeling open to try exit comfort zone etc.

 

This makes me feel insecurity, unworthiness, guilt, just feeling that I'm not good, that I should try do better, maybe even try dammit.

When you say this makes me feel… by “this” do you mean these thoughts are true, or do you mean these beliefs?

If you mean beliefs, is this how these beliefs feel… or are these beliefs a separate thing asserting upon you… making you feel this way? 

If you mean beliefs… who would you be without these beliefs? 

 

On 10/18/2022 at 7:38 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

Some of it has to do with parents stuff, worrying if I will ever have my shit together and they don't need to support me like that. Same with other relationships too. Wondering others my age are moving forward, growing up, and I'm just stalling. Wondering if I have anything to offer to anyone, or am I just a loser.

 

So I've been sort of waiting for that time when I'll finally somehow just fix this, get to that place when I'm finally alright. Been waiting to finally find something, even just a hobby that actually inspires and gives some joy and content other than working and trying to not fail and be a slob. But so far, nothing. And it feels pretty horrible... Like something is wrong with me, since others have all sorts of things they are passionate about. Playing music, dancing, painting, sports... But I have nothing. Most things are just heavy, tiring, boring, irritating, something I'd really rather not do. Man does this make life and world seem dreadful at times.

 

Though I've been trying to make things work, trying to push myself to do the work, to study, to go to school, even though none of it has really felt right. I've done it because I've thought that I need to do it, otherwise I'll just be jobless, living on welfare, without future, others thinking I'm a loser, others more or less supporting me.

 

Not to mention that I would like to own a nice house, a car, maybe have kids, a summer cabin, stuff like that. But that takes like a lot of money and having ones shit together. But stuff like mortgage, carreer, etc is just so overwhelming and doesn't seem sustainable and stable way of things.

 

Man, winning a lottery would be like winning a lottery.

How’s diet, meditation & fitness? 

What do you want to let go of? 

[Blessed2]

53 minutes ago, Phil said:

When you say this makes me feel… by “this” do you mean these thoughts are true, or do you mean these beliefs?

If you mean beliefs, is this how these beliefs feel… or are these beliefs a separate thing asserting upon you… making you feel this way? 

If you mean beliefs… who would you be without these beliefs? 

 

🤔

 

53 minutes ago, Phil said:

How’s diet, meditation & fitness? 

 

Diet is being cleaned up, meditation feels too uncomfortable, exercise feels too uncomfortable.

 

[Phil]

36 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Diet is being cleaned up, meditation feels too uncomfortable, exercise feels too uncomfortable.

Great to hear! That’s an awesome fundamental change and the alignment ‘pays back’ a hundred fold. The other two will naturally follow. The alignment will ‘spill over’. 

If it’s helpful. ✊🏼🤍

[Blessed2]

It was a mistake to move to a new city and go to that school.

 

I have no friends, the school sucks, and I don't really like any of it.

 

Same thing again. Nothing works for me. This was a failure too.

 

I'm probably going to quit the school. And then I'm back where I started. Fuck this. I'm not going to succeed in anything. And I have to disappoint my parents again.

 

I'd like if I could just let go that pressure to succeed, to have a job or study. I could finally just be at peace and be the lazy futureless jobless nobody I obviously am.

 

I have nothing to give. I'm not good for anything.

 

I hate my parents for installing this pressure in me. I hate the world for being a place like this. I hate myself for being like this.

 

It breaks my heart that this is what world is and what it comes to. It's like I have no place here. Nothing is a good fit for me.

 

Edited October 23, 2022 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

❤️

 

Pressure pushin' down on me
Pressin' down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that brings a building down
Splits a family in two, puts people on streets
Mm-ba-ba-beh, mm-ba-ba-beh
Dee-day-da, ee-day-da
That's okay

That's the terror of knowing what this world is about
Watchin' some good friends screamin', "Let me out"
Pray tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people, people on streets

Da-da-da, mm-mm
Da-da-da-ba-bum
Okay

Chippin' around, kick my brains 'round the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours
Ee-doh-ba-buh, ee-da-ba-ba-bop
Mm-bo-bop, beh-lup
People on streets, ee-da-dee-da-day
People on streets, ee-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da

It's the terror of knowing what this world is about
Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out"
Pray tomorrow gets me higher, higher, high
Pressure on people, people on streets

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on the fence but it don't work
Keep comin' up with love but it's so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?
Love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking

Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love?

'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves

Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure

 

 

[Blessed2]

@Mandy Your post was a synchronicity btw. Forgot to mention. Awesome. Gotta listen to it. 🙂🙂

[Blessed2]

On 10/20/2022 at 3:22 PM, Phil said:

or are these beliefs a separate thing asserting upon you… making you feel this way? 

 

It actually kind of seems like these beliefs and worries / pressure is from somewhere else, making me feel this way.

 

Yesterday night I inspected this and it felt like the feeling/energy of pressure, worry, stress and strain came from somewhere else, like my parents, or society and culture at large.

 

I don't like how these beliefs feel like. Letting go the need to succeed, to 'make it', to be someone, to have a carreer, to have my things is order, would be like winning that lottery to me.

 

But it seems like I can't just drop it. First thing that comes to mind is my parents. I worry how they would react if I just dropped the pressure and did what truly felt good to me.

 

Another thing that comes to mind is relationships. Would I be alone? Would I be a 'nobody'? Who would want to be with me, if I had no carreer, no future, no financial stability etc?

 

🤔

 

This stress and strain, need to 'succeed' (which basically just means to become financially independent and reliable) is bringing some serious stress, even depression. Even health issues and addiction. Lack of joy.

 

[Blessed2]

Been wondering if there really is such a thing as ADHD/ADD etc. as a neurological issue, or is it maybe beliefs like this, believing one needs to 'make it, succeed, have the motivation, not procrastinate, need to work work work, finally make it', and what seems like neurological and behavioral symptoms, is just... Like 'a shoe that never quite fit to begin with'...

[Phil]

Yep.

First we’d need an infinite foot. 

[DreaMT]

I got an inpired idea. You could make a documentary. "Becoming a Nobody". Where you document your journey into becoming a "Loser" or "Nobody" in societys eyes while reflecting on the insane expactation and demands to perform that are placed on individuals in our modern society. Sooo many are in pain and could relate. Maybe that's exactly what we need to start healing collectively, more "nobodies" and less people desperately trying to be "somebody". Maybe by becoming "nobody" in societys eyes, we truly become an indivuated authentic being, dropping all expectation until all that remains is what is unique to our existance. 

Ponder on it and see if you catch a wave there and if it feels freeing, I think it could be revolutionary and epic! You could totally make it happen!

Edited November 4, 2022 by DreaMT

[Phil]

@Devin Nice. ☺️

 

@Blessed2

So to speak… love is already and has always been ‘doing’ everything. The thoughts about a separate self, the doer, the one responsible, etc, feel off because they’re not actually true, same as thoughts like ‘what will my parents think’. That’s awareness, and awareness as thoughts arising. (There’s no thinkers).  This is much much easier to recognize using the emotional scale than applying concepts as overlays like pressure, strain, stress, etc. Those kinda reinforce the ‘sep self’ thoughts… the one stressed, the one pressured, the one straining, etc.

 

Notice everything, including every bodily movement, is happening. No commands like move this hand 50 degrees… lift this glass with 1 psi, use mouth muscles to make this sound of this word, etc…. are actually employed as if causing anything to happen. You are pure infinite consciousness, pure spontaneous being happening. Pure effortlessness, with or without a doer narrative. 

[Blessed2]

7 hours ago, Devin said:

You don't need to do anything or be anything other than what you are and what you do. Love is not attainable or able to be lost, it's able to be not recognized and recognized though.

 

You are loved, with all love, and accepted with all acceptance, you may just not recognize it though. Pressure from others is never about you, it's about them, no matter what you do will change who they are or what they are. Love and accept. Love and accept them. Just recognize love and acceptance.

 

Yeah... But it's just scary. I'm worried I might fail my life. It's scary. 😕

 

 

[Blessed2]

Today I stumbled upon a video of this guy asking "If no-one eventually marries you, if you never find "the one", if you never have those kids, what's your plan B?"

 

It is kind of scary, because I don't have a "plan B". I really have no passions or interests or hobbies or anything. The only thing I really care about is "the one", and having a family. That's sort of what everything in my life revolves around. I think that when I finally find the one, then everything would be alright. Then life would be complete.

 

It sucks and makes me kind of angry at times. Why am I like this? Why don't I have any authentic interests? When will I finally find one? It feels cruel, like something is off about me, life and the world. This should be fun, I should have fun things to do, enjoyable things, but I don't. Everything just seems meaningless and dull. It sucks and I worry I'll never find any authentic interest or 'meaning', because otherwise it might all just go down the drugs & depression road.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Why am I like this?

Like what?

[Blessed2]

6 minutes ago, Phil said:

Like what?

 

Not having interests or hobbies, not having anything I enjoy. Others have their stuff like sports or arts or something. Some meaning. They go out to do their hobbies, feel good before it, during it, and after it. But I don't have anything like that.

 

Some people find meaning and passion in knitting or pottery for fucks sake. Or just "a walk in nature" or something. It's unfair. It's easy for them to feel good when they just happen to enjoy stuff like that.

 

If I could just do what I like and not worry about money and stuff, I'd really just do nothing. Probably just watch TV and drink. And even that would suck.

 

So fucking unfair. How am I supposed to succeed, have a job etc. in a life like this?? What do my fucking parents excpect??? Sometimes I think they're really dumb. All they're focused on is work and how to pay bills and how to play the game etc. And they expect me to do the same. But I can't, I just can't. Because even doing nothing feels like shit. Even 'fun' stuff like going to movies with friends feel like shit. Every day feels like shit. So how can they expect me to work my ass off, how am I supposed to live this life when everything feels like shit???? I hate it, it's so unfair and I don't like at all how this world is designed. Why does it all have to be so uncomfortable and hard.

 

I have nothing fun to look for. Nothing fun or exciting to wake up to in the morning. Nothing to be eager to do. Every day is the same struggle.

 

Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse so that I could just travel around doing whatnot zombie survival stuff. Would not have to wake up each morning to the same meaningless, boring, dull, passionless and joyless struggle.

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 I'm looking at my keyboard right now. It's really dusty, needs to be cleaned, most of the letters are worn off.. My eyes are drawn to the word "Home".  The keyboard is lighted up, so the more the letters wear, the more obliterated the characters are, the more light shines through them. 

But never mind that, it's just a shitty, dirty old keyboard. Meaningless, boring, joyless, passionless. 

 

Look at stuff. Really look. Don't take your judgment of it for granted. That's not what it is. Your life is the equivalent of the light shining through. It's beyond the "thing". 

 

16 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse so that I could just travel around doing whatnot zombie survival stuff. 

What if it sort of already was? What would you do? What would you like about it? 

[Phil]

13 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Not having interests or hobbies, not having anything I enjoy. Others have their stuff like sports or arts or something. Some meaning. They go out to do their hobbies, feel good before it, during it, and after it. But I don't have anything like that.

 

Some people find meaning and passion in knitting or pottery for fucks sake. Or just "a walk in nature" or something. It's unfair. It's easy for them to feel good when they just happen to enjoy stuff like that.

 

If I could just do what I like and not worry about money and stuff, I'd really just do nothing. Probably just watch TV and drink. And even that would suck.

 

So fucking unfair. How am I supposed to succeed, have a job etc. in a life like this?? What do my fucking parents excpect??? Sometimes I think they're really dumb. All they're focused on is work and how to pay bills and how to play the game etc. And they expect me to do the same. But I can't, I just can't. Because even doing nothing feels like shit. Even 'fun' stuff like going to movies with friends feel like shit. Every day feels like shit. So how can they expect me to work my ass off, how am I supposed to live this life when everything feels like shit???? I hate it, it's so unfair and I don't like at all how this world is designed. Why does it all have to be so uncomfortable and hard.

 

I have nothing fun to look for. Nothing fun or exciting to wake up to in the morning. Nothing to be eager to do. Every day is the same struggle.

 

Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse so that I could just travel around doing whatnot zombie survival stuff. Would not have to wake up each morning to the same meaningless, boring, dull, passionless and joyless struggle.

What you want’s what’s happening. Kinda ‘kicking & screaming’, but happening nonetheless. So much easier to acknowledge the suffering and let go of what doesn’t resonate. 

[Blessed2]

I noticed I haven't been able to actually rest and relax for a long time.

 

Even when I've had actual free time, there has still been thoughts like "I should do better, what if I cause disappointment in others, I should be less lazy, I should blah blah".

 

But I've felt so worn off that I haven't been doing work either. So when I've procrastinated, I haven't been resting and relaxing. And when I've had actual free time, I still haven't been resting and relaxing.

 

So there haven't been actual rest and relaxation. Time when I truly let go and just rest. It's been missing. This is an exciting thing to notice. Of course rest and relaxation is essential. Of course I'm allowed to let go and rest. Thoughts might it seem like I'm not, that I should do more and shouldn't be lazy or something, but that's just conditioning.

 

Still wanna blame my parents a bit though. The first thing that comes up when resting into the moment is "my parents wouldn't approve of this". It's annoying. I'm resentful about it.

[Blessed2]

This resting thing is awesome and I'm so excited about it. Cause this is the key I've been looking for. I can feel it.