Despair

[Serenity]

There are pockets of despair in my awareness, experienced as self-referential thoughts with a very strong pull.

I notice that indeed they have a very strong inward factor, and the solution is most likely to be found through some sort of outward movement.

 

But why is jealousy the next one of the scale? I'm a bit surprised at how they are linked. 

 

I've been working on shame, and according to Peter Levine, going from a feeling of shame to disgust is what cures it away. This makes a lot of sense to me. But the link between despair and jealousy doesn't seem so clear. I'd love to understand how this permutation works so I can be more effective in its clearing.

[Mandy]

That there are "pockets of despair in my awareness" imagines emotions to be like possessions, something that takes up space and can be owned by an individual. It imagines that your guidance system can be unwanted. You might not want to know that the gas tank is on 1/8th of a tank when there's no gas station in sight,  but you definitely don't want the gas gauge itself to go away. The only solution going forward is to pay more attention to that gauge. Not to nitpick, but be careful of any language or assumptions that blame the emotion (gas gauge) for the unwanted situation that ignoring the gas gauge put you in. Emotion is direct guidance. It is a signal to let go of what we understand, so understanding how emotions work really works best in just knowing that they do, and letting them be. You don't need to know how the gas gauge works in order to know when to gas up. Doesn't hurt though, but also might be a distraction from actually heeding the gauge too. 

 

Up from despair is insecurity/guilt/unworthiness. Suddenly rather than someone who is completely powerless, is someone who has some semblance of control/empowerment but is very down on themselves for mismanaging this imagined control. 

 

Up from that is jealousy. Now the fixation on a self who is thought to be (by the self) a miserable failure, is let go of. Now the fixation is on other, and the focus on what this person wants slowly comes into focus. But this realization of what they want is still badly tainted by a sense of separation, and so begins the fixation that it's someone else's fault why we are unhappy. This continues on through hatred/rage, revenge, and anger. In jealousy we take the weight off ourselves finally but then we project it out.  Always check in feeling though. We might have been taught and believed that jealousy is unacceptable, but that being down on ourselves is totally fine. That and the fact that our focus goes from inward to outward suddenly in reaching for jealousy might be why it seems like a bit of leap. But it's not. 

[Serenity]

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

That there are "pockets of despair in my awareness" imagines emotions to be like possessions, something that takes up space and can be owned by an individual. It imagines that your guidance system can be unwanted. You might not want to know that the gas tank is on 1/8th of a tank when there's no gas station in sight,  but you definitely don't want the gas gauge itself to go away. The only solution going forward is to pay more attention to that gauge. Not to nitpick, but be careful of any language or assumptions that blame the emotion (gas gauge) for the unwanted situation that ignoring the gas gauge put you in. Emotion is direct guidance. It is a signal to let go of what we understand, so understanding how emotions work really works best in just knowing that they do, and letting them be. You don't need to know how the gas gauge works in order to know when to gas up. Doesn't hurt though, but also might be a distraction from actually heeding the gauge too. 

Thanks a lot, Mandy! That came up as very useful.

 

I get your points there. It's important to welcome and accept all emotions and not make an enemy out of it. It's there for a reason, it serves a purpose. 

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

Up from despair is insecurity/guilt/unworthiness. Suddenly rather than someone who is completely powerless, is someone who has some semblance of control/empowerment but is very down on themselves for mismanaging this imagined control. 

🙏 Damn, I missed insecurity/guilt/unworthiness reading Phil's tool, as they are explained with Fear/Despair/Powerlessness/Grief.

 

It makes much more sense.

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

Up from that is jealousy. Now the fixation on a self who is thought to be (by the self) a miserable failure, is let go of. Now the fixation is on other, and the focus on what this person wants slowly comes into focus. But this realization of what they want is still badly tainted by a sense of separation, and so begins the fixation that it's someone else's fault why we are unhappy. This continues on through hatred/rage, revenge, and anger. In jealousy we take the weight off ourselves finally but then we project it out.  Always check in feeling though. We might have been taught and believed that jealousy is unacceptable, but that being down on ourselves is totally fine. That and the fact that our focus goes from inward to outward suddenly in reaching for jealousy might be why it seems like a bit of leap. But it's not. 

🙏

 

Wonderful. I see how the link between these could work. 🌸

[Serenity]

@Mandy

 

Do you still experience some bottom of the scale feelings?  Or is most of it out, after at steady practice?

 

[Phil]

Jealousy bursts the bubble of despair like boredom bursts the bubble of pessimism. It’s impossible to remain hopeless when there are examples of conscious creators, and it’s impossible to feel boredom while actively disparaging. 

[Serenity]

On 10/14/2022 at 12:25 PM, Phil said:

Jealousy bursts the bubble of despair like boredom bursts the bubble of pessimism. It’s impossible to remain hopeless when there are examples of conscious creators, and it’s impossible to feel boredom while actively disparaging. 

 

 

Oh! That actually makes A LOT of sense.  I see it now.

🙏

 

[Mandy]

5 hours ago, Serenity said:

@Mandy

 

Do you still experience some bottom of the scale feelings?  Or is most of it out, after at steady practice?

 

If I said no would you feel jealousy? 😁 I know that when I feel really bad, something is about to come to light. The suffering isn't in the emotion itself but the resistance of it. 

[Serenity]

19 minutes ago, Mandy said:

If I said no would you feel jealousy? 😁 I know that when I feel really bad, something is about to come to light. The suffering isn't in the emotion itself but the resistance of it. 

 

😒

*Off writing down nasty stuff about Mandy in my personal diary 

 

 

 😂 

 

(Thanks for the reply 😉)

[Mandy]

@Serenity 😆 Not easy being green.