Something I'd like to change.

[Blessed2]

❤️❤️ Love to talk about this!

 

I just meditated. Been meditating a couple mornings now. It's different now. I enjoy it!

 

Sorry for posting these things on the emptying-sub. I guess many of these things should be on the journal section, but for some reason I just really like this sub... It just resonates.

 

Anyway, the thing I'd like to talk about...

 

For a long time I've held a belief. About spiritual awakening, enlightenment.

 

My possible future enlightenment.

 

These years have more or less gone by with constantly hoping and waiting for it happening. Not enlightenment per se, but some sort of spiritual awakening, a breakthrough.

 

Essentially I believe that enlightenment would be the end to all fear and doubt:

 

I would finally know the truth. I would finally be absolutely certain about all that matters. I would no longer doubt whether God and the world is good, whether I'm going to hell, whether there is a way out of suffering and uncertainty.

 

Oh, and maybe then I would be relaxed, I would have more energy, my life would finally be fulfilling... I would be happy, I would enjoy life.

 

This is what I think makes meditation and many other things so hard and uncomfortable... Because I'm constantly waiting for a breakthrough. Constantly thinking about a future, thinking what I'll be feeling. I'm not doing it for the enjoyment of doing it, but for the possible outcome.

 

To be honest, it really seems quite impossible to live without doubt. To somehow get through the doubt, to get rid of it. This is what I mean by a "brick wall" or "no way out". It seems like an impossibility... And as such, also true peace, happiness and certainty, which I've come to call heaven or paradise, also seems like an impossibility... Which sometimes makes me wonder if this is the hell, the hellish existence: to doubt whether happiness and paradise is possible.

 

It really at times makes me slightly terrified. Because this pickle of doubting if doubt can be get rid of, doubting whether true happiness and certainty is possible, seems very real. And it seems like it's out of my control. So the next logical step is... That this really is the hell I mentioned... Because it really seems to be real. Doubt and uncertainty seems real, and there seems to be no way out of it. Hence, this reality must be somehow broken, sinister, dark, or evil...?

 

 

Edited August 6, 2022 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

How is this, THIS, this directly now here, this endless "moment" that never began.... possible?

 

It's not.

 

It's impossibly wonderful. "Wonder" as in I wonder when I'll get it. Wonder as in I wonder "why not me". "Wonder as in I wonder if it'll ever happen. No.

 

Wonder.

 

Pure. Impossible, wonder. 

 

[Phil]

Look for the self, past, future, fear, doubt, control, hell, & enlightenment in the present. 

Where are they? 

[Blessed2]

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

How is this, THIS, this directly now here, this endless "moment" that never began.... possible?

 

It's not.

 

It's impossibly wonderful. "Wonder" as in I wonder when I'll get it. Wonder as in I wonder "why not me". "Wonder as in I wonder if it'll ever happen. No.

 

Wonder.

 

Pure. Impossible, wonder. 

 

 

🤔

[Mandy]

@Blessed2

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us, "No"
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
(Now I'm in a whole new world with you)

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world (don't you dare close your eyes)
A hundred thousand things to see (hold your breath, it gets better)
I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

 

Magic carpets seem pretty scary at first. I'd doubt them too. The apostle Thomas was called "doubting Thomas" but he also wrote the most badass gospel IMO. 

23 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

To be honest, it really seems quite impossible to live without doubt. To somehow get through the doubt, to get rid of it. This is what I mean by a "brick wall" or "no way out". It seems like an impossibility... And as such, also true peace, happiness and certainty, which I've come to call heaven or paradise, also seems like an impossibility... Which sometimes makes me wonder if this is the hell, the hellish existence: to doubt whether happiness and paradise is possible.

You know the Abraham twist on the saying "You can't get there from here"? You can't get there from here. When you consider anything from the emotion of doubt, you doubt it. 

 

Express disappointment. "I'm not enlightened, I thought I'd be enlightened by now, I realize now enlightenment isn't for me. How fucking disappointing is that? Jesus was just a dude. I thought this was my way out, now I see I don't need an out. I'm perfect where I am. "

 

How about writing again to your italicized inner being? 

[Mandy]

It isn't for me. 

 

It isn't for me.

 

It isn't for me. 

[Blessed2]

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us, "No"
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
(Now I'm in a whole new world with you)

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world (don't you dare close your eyes)
A hundred thousand things to see (hold your breath, it gets better)
I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

 

Magic carpets seem pretty scary at first. I'd doubt them too. The apostle Thomas was called "doubting Thomas" but he also wrote the most badass gospel IMO. 

 

Hear ya. But still, there is a burning need to know... To be sure...

 

Why is there no God telling me if I'm on the right or wrong path...?

 

Sure, the emotional guidance, but why not just... Make it clear once and for all? Why am I left alone in doubt and uncertainty, and not-knowing, and this pain and fear that follows?

 

Really being quite corageous now talking about this stuff. This is what the nightmares of existential terror are made of. Probably the worst thing I've ever felt.

 

Super duper happy to be able to talk about it with someone though. But sometimes I fear that talking about it with people might hurt them, might make them feel the same doubt and fear.

 

11 hours ago, Mandy said:

When you consider anything from the emotion of doubt, you doubt it. 

 

Yess!!

 

I do feel disappointed at times. For example, crystals. Would love if there was just a reliable, trustworthy way to feel better. Something that would always be there for me, always helpful, even in the worst of times... Something that would always answer, always make it all right and give me whatever I want. I would have hoped thst crystals could have been something like that... Even a little bit. But they aren't. They seems to be magic when you're in the right zone, but if you're depressed or doubtful, just a normal bunch of boring rocks.

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Why is there no God telling me if I'm on the right or wrong path...?

As someone who was raised Christian, halleluiah praise the Lord there's no God telling you right or wrong and keeping score. 😆 Biggest relief ever. However, you've got something direct and intimate. Something that never looks back. But it's not a some thing. So you're right there is no God, and this too is wonder of wonders. Brilliance. Well played, I say. So well played, we're still playing. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Sure, the emotional guidance, but why not just... Make it clear once and for all?

Because you are the once and for all. You are all of it. Sad notes, low notes, high notes all come together to make a song. None of them are truly sad, all are beautiful. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Really being quite corageous now talking about this stuff. This is what the nightmares of existential terror are made of. Probably the worst thing I've ever felt.

 

Super duper happy to be able to talk about it with someone though. But sometimes I fear that talking about it with people might hurt them, might make them feel the same doubt and fear.

Honestly just wanna give you a  big hug. There's no assertion, so by expressing you cannot make someone else feel something negative. We can seemingly perpetuate crappy beliefs by doing so ourselves. There's a difference between teaching your child that there is definitely "no god" leaving all other possibilities off the table or teaching them that if they don't believe the right things they will burn in hell when they die, and expressing/realizing how awful those beliefs feel. Expressing it is waking up to how awful it feels for yourself and being willing to let them go, expressing it always makes you super duper happy to be talking about it. 👍

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

I do feel disappointed at times. For example, crystals. Would love if there was just a reliable, trustworthy way to feel better. Something that would always be there for me, always helpful, even in the worst of times... Something that would always answer, always make it all right and give me whatever I want. I would have hoped thst crystals could have been something like that... Even a little bit. But they aren't. They seems to be magic when you're in the right zone, but if you're depressed or doubtful, just a normal bunch of boring rocks.

Would you really though? If there was one magic thing for all times, how boring would that be? And how unfair it would be that some would have access and some wouldn't? If money actually made people happy, how unfair life would be? But it doesn't because it's perfectly Fair. "I Am" the fairest of them all. The Author of all fairytales.  It is not my creation that makes one happy, but the Maker, Making. 

 

What have you liked, been drawn to ever since you were a child? Rocks? Plants? How perfect that things can make us happy, and yet also they cannot. Would you make it any other way, really?  

 

There is a something, but it isn't a thing. Go straight back to yourself. Rest in the sense I Am, the razor's edge of the moment, belly breath, all this points but is not it. You are so utterly worthy you are the maker of worth itself. This is utterly far better than anything you could ever have thought of. Don't take my word for it. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Hear ya. But still, there is a burning need to know... To be sure...

Lets appreciate mystery for a minute here. Would you really like to know everything about everything? Isn't the sense of mystery itself, a truly beautiful thing? You'd rather just quash that out for knowing?