noomii Posted August 4, 2022 Share Posted August 4, 2022 (edited) I've been procrastinating a lot for a long time. But almost the whole month of July and right now have been extreme. I've been feeling so much doubt about not knowing what to do/where to go and on top of that thinking I feel too much overwhelm to do what I really want (I've had a bunch of free time now). I've been feeling extremely bored, passive, rotten, heavy, burning sensation of stress and I've been isolating so much. Suicidal thoughts have appeared a lot and they still do. My focus is more now on wanting to question them. It really have felt and looked like the same day have been repeating itself. I did escape for a few days last Saturday. I went to a day-party and camped at the same day and after that I went to some friends for circling (mindfully exploring our connection with each other) for two days. I crashed feeling fatigued the whole day after just wanting to lie down and cry. It filled me with joy. Now I'm back feeling stuck procrastinating again feeling stressed because I think I have to decide what to do/where to go NOW. I absolutely hate staying where I'm at and I feel suffocated staying here. This Monday I'm going back to the activity I do so I feel stressed about doing things I want to do now. This September that activity ends and I have no plans on what to do, I don't know what I want to do then and that I've procrastinated on too. I have no work at all then. I feel safe and it will work out somehow. Avoiding almost everything necessary for me is not really helping that. I do wish I could die instead of facing the fear of responsibilities. I've been looking at all the feelings of doubt, overwhelm, resistance about staying where I am and most of the negative emotions that have come up. I did try emotional scale for some time but it felt too heavy to do so I stopped it. I think the procrastination have been a way of unconsciously regulating my feelings by avoiding overwhelm, doubt etc. It does feel like I can't control the procrastination when I'm in it, I can't force myself to do anything. The only thing I can do is to be aware of what I feel. Writing this feels heavy, simply because I need to think about what is actually happening with me. Feels like something is trying to stop me from over-thinking all the time and that's why it feels hard to do anything where I need to use effort with thinking. That's a reason to why I procrastinate doing anything, too. Overwhelm, stress and doubt comes up when doing most activities that requires planning, decision making and most things requiring a lot of thinking. Trying to figure out by thinking for a very simple thing like where I want to go out camping in nature makes me feel a lot of doubt and overwhelm. It makes me feel completely blocked and I simply cannot think more about it. Also I feel incapable of doing the things I truly want to do, I can do them but they feel too overwhelming. I want to go far out in wilderness and go to other countries but the ideas that come up with what I mostly want, feels too overwhelming for me because it takes a lot more planning and a lot more feelings of overhelm come up that I need to take care of. So I'm mostly focusing on things that feels easier emotionally. I have earlier written down what I want in my notes but that doesn't seem to help much because I haven't let go of the feelings about it. I know a good next step would be to actually use a dream board which I'm also procrastinating on like everything else. But most of all I just want to relax completely and let go. That feels more important than anything. Feels like I'm making everything MUCH more complicated than it is. Though what I've shared here in this post is just a small part of everything I'm concerned about. Now another day have passed with procrastination and rumination. I could've even planned tomorrow but I DIDN'T?! I feel so exhausted, I've not had a break from this shit for the whole day. The weather here felt special as it does in august. It felt like I wasted it because I was just lost in thoughts. I believe I've wasted all of these months. I want to receive some clarity on this or support of any kind! Thank you Edited August 4, 2022 by noomii Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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