Eternal Posted July 27, 2022 Share Posted July 27, 2022 Okay I got a pretty attractive girl coming over to mine today and we had a date yesterday. I am so scared I am going to fuck this up. Yesterday I did not kiss her as I was getting lots of thoughts to do with worthlessness. I feel like if I mess this up when she comes over to mine, it will be demorilizing. Need to stop relying on happiness from others. I really want to have sex with her and I crave it so much but at the same time I get needy. I don't know how I am going to smoothly escalate. Most women I end up sleeping with, reject me. The ones I like anyway. She is coming up and we are going to do yoga and smoke weed. She seems interested in similar stuff but sometimes when I talk, I find a spiritual ego kicking in. Like she's below me and I am trying to educate her on consciousness topics instead of talking about anything. I don't know how I should act around her because I want her to like me so much. So I can keep her on a rotation. I don't like going in with the feeling of a relationship or anything but this all feels new to me. I am used to not getting attention from women and being stuck in my own little solipstic bubble of neediness. My mind feels very agitated right now and an upburst of energy so I thought I needed to express myself. I am excited by terrified at the same time. I do want to stop relying on other humans (females) to give me this feeling of happiness. I feel like I am usually empty and when I am with someone, I am complete. It's an endless cycle of continuos suffering and constant seeking. I am fundamentally not happy on my own because I crave sex all the time. The pleasure of sex just feels so good when it is with an attractive women. More than sex, I crave connection with another. Even communication. Sometimes that even feels better than the sex. Why can't I stand being on my own. I am not used to people liking me. It feels very foreign. I blame my conditioned past and bullying. I get beliefs of worthlessness, not being good enough. I am attractive on the outside but extremely unattractive on the inside which makes sense because most girls don't want to see me again. Hopefully this one will stay around. I hate feeling worthless around women. It's so hard, my mind has been conditioned so much. I felt a huge surge of energy within and a lot of energy. I feel like I am going to get a panic attack as my face feels red and hot. This girl is probably going to leave eventually which will cause more suffering. I hate that I always spend my days going from here to there.... Never satisfied with the here... I am controlled by this evil ego... I feel like a victim to my own mind.... the urge to check the phone.. to do pleasure seeking.. I listen to the voice.. like it has authority over me.... I want to be happy without chasing hot attractive women and craving sex... but I feel so shallow and empty inside that I need completion but I am delusional.. Living in this collective dream that makes no sense.. Constant seeking for the rest of my life... what is the point in that? Getting some glimpses of awareness aware of experience but the gravitional pull of the ego is so strong!!! Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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