Hope I don't mess this up..

[Eternal]

Okay I got a pretty attractive girl coming over to mine today and we had a date yesterday. I am so scared I am going to fuck this up. Yesterday I did not kiss her as I was getting lots of thoughts to do with worthlessness. I feel like if I mess this up when she comes over to mine, it will be demorilizing. Need to stop relying on happiness from others. I really want to have sex with her and I crave it so much but at the same time I get needy. I don't know how I am going to smoothly escalate. Most women I end up sleeping with, reject me. The ones I like anyway. She is coming up and we are going to do yoga and smoke weed. She seems interested in similar stuff but sometimes when I talk, I find a spiritual ego kicking in. Like she's below me and I am trying to educate her on consciousness topics instead of talking about anything. I don't know how I should act around her because I want her to like me so much. So I can keep her on a rotation. I don't like going in with the feeling of a relationship or anything but this all feels new to me. 

 

I am used to not getting attention from women and being stuck in my own little solipstic bubble of neediness. My mind feels very agitated right now and an upburst of energy so I thought I needed to express myself. I am excited by terrified at the same time. I do want to stop relying on other humans (females) to give me this feeling of happiness. I feel like I am usually empty and when I am with someone, I am complete. It's an endless cycle of continuos suffering and constant seeking. I am fundamentally not happy on my own because I crave sex all the time. The pleasure of sex just feels so good when it is with an attractive women. More than sex, I crave connection with another. Even communication. Sometimes that even feels better than the sex. Why can't I stand being on my own. I am not used to people liking me. It feels very foreign. I blame my conditioned past and bullying. I get beliefs of worthlessness, not being good enough. I am attractive on the outside but extremely unattractive on the inside which makes sense because most girls don't want to see me again. Hopefully this one will stay around. I hate feeling worthless around women. It's so hard, my mind has been conditioned so much. I felt a huge surge of energy within and a lot of energy. I feel like I am going to get a panic attack as my face feels red and hot. This girl is probably going to leave eventually which will cause more suffering. I hate that I always spend my days going from here to there.... Never satisfied with the here... I am controlled by this evil ego... I feel like a victim to my own mind.... the urge to check the phone.. to do pleasure seeking.. I listen to the voice.. like it has authority over me....

 

I want to be happy without chasing hot attractive women and craving sex... but I feel so shallow and empty inside that I need completion but I am delusional.. Living in this collective dream that makes no sense.. Constant seeking for the rest of my life... what is the point in that? Getting some glimpses of awareness aware of experience but the gravitional pull of the ego is so strong!!! 

 

[Mandy]

Stop being so hard on yourself. How did it go?

[Eothasian]

Looks like a lot is going on in there.

Just be needy with confidence it's not gonna be forever.

 

 

 

Edited July 29, 2022 by Eothasian

[Phil]

On 7/27/2022 at 2:25 PM, Eternal said:

Need to stop relying on happiness from others.

Inspect that belief. 🙂 How do you think happiness is literally, scientifically transferring from one to another? 

What if you have never been relying on happiness coming from others, but rather missing it’s your true nature and seems to come & go? 

What if it’s the thoughts & beliefs about yourself which come & go, and aren’t given any attention when all attention is on intimacy?

What about giving attention to thoughts about yourself that feel good? 

Where does that good feeling literally arise from?

Maybe what you actually want is communion… and then a relationship. 

Maybe you will then feel much more confident is what you have to share, than worried about what you will or won’t get. 

[Eternal]

11 hours ago, Mandy said:

Stop being so hard on yourself. How did it go?

 

It went good, I ended up sleeping with her. She is into yoga and self-awareness so we do have some stuff in common. I found my socialization skills were really good because I asked her to bring some weed as she is a stoner and I wanted to try some since it has been a while. It gave me some incredible insight into communicating authentically. The whole process felt so incredibly effortless. Words/thoughts about expressing myself would effortlessly pop up into my mind. I was funny, I was owning everything I said. I was coming from a place like I am enough for myself and she is welcome to join the party if she likes. 

 

I don't want to rely on weed to enjoy socializing though. Usually I set sex as the end objective because it feels great and if I don't get it, I am not enough. Usually the fear of self-expressing is greatly heightened because of judgement from others. I can't just talk authentically. I wonder how they may perceive me. What to talk about. Will I say the right things. 

 

I enjoyed the experience when she came over but now she is coming over on Sunday probably & what if she gets attached to me and develops feelings for me. I don't want to be the one to cause her to suffer. I don't think I am ready for any kind of relationship as I need to get better with talking to strangers/new women. The thought of a relationship Terrifies me. I want to become a more confident/charismatic man but at the same time don't want to cause others to suffer.

[Eternal]

18 minutes ago, Phil said:

Inspect that belief. 🙂 How do you think happiness is literally, scientifically transferring from one to another? 

What if you have never been relying on happiness coming from others, but rather missing it’s your true nature and seems to come & go? 

What if it’s the thoughts & beliefs about yourself which come & go, and aren’t given any attention when all attention is on intimacy?

What about giving attention to thoughts about yourself that feel good? 

Where does that good feeling literally arise from?

Maybe what you actually want is communion… and then a relationship. 

Maybe you will then feel much more confident is what you have to share, than worried about what you will or won’t get. 

 

I want to feel better about myself knowing i've slept with a woman. It's a sense of pride and satisfaction knowing I accomplished something. When I say 'others' I really mean 'women'. I don't tend to have many close guy friends. I cannot really see much love with others beyond getting my sexual needs met. 

 

How do I determine what thoughts feel good? 

 

Negative thoughts can pour in, without my attention behind them. I primarily just want sex from women in order to fill the void. I want to be loved and liked. I don't like rejection. Which is why when I socialize, I am very hesistent on what to say. My approval and self worth deeply depends on the other person. 

 

[Phil]

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

 

I want to feel better about myself knowing i've slept with a woman. It's a sense of pride and satisfaction knowing I accomplished something. When I say 'others' I really mean 'women'. I don't tend to have many close guy friends. I cannot really see much love with others beyond getting my sexual needs met. 

I’m suggesting this is where you’re struggling with a pattern of seeking to feel better from sex… because you can’t per se feel better about yourself because you are yourself. The ‘second’ ‘self’ is an idea, the ‘true’ self is the awareness of the idea. 

 

Put another way, notice there are experiences that feel great and experiences that don’t. Notice the great feeling is always the very same great feeling. Experiences vary, but happiness is always the very same (unveiled, unobscured) Happiness. Happiness is veiled / obscured by the belief Happiness is coming from an object or relationship. To realize this is humbling to the pride, because it means you’ve essentially been ‘wrong’ all along - but not really ‘wrong’. It’s because you’re infinite and by being experience you forgot your true nature - Happiness. Yet, the true nature, Happiness, has never been missing… it’s always been the same Happiness, just obscured by discordant self referential beliefs, or, beliefs about yourself, none of which are or ever were actually true. The ‘shift’ is putting feeling first. Recognizing the discordant beliefs aren’t true soley based on - how those thoughts / beliefs feel. Self-Evident. 🤍

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

 

How do I determine what thoughts feel good? 

By letting go of attempting to determine, and noticing there’s no ‘work’ to do there… you already feel, and already know some thoughts about you don’t feel aligned / good. It’s more admitting the truth of this… which is admitting the discordant thoughts aren’t true. Again, it’s both humbling and very, very liberating of the suffering you’ve been experiencing. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

 

Negative thoughts can pour in, without my attention behind them.

If attention wasn’t behind them you wouldn’t be able to refer to them. It’s ok to recognize aversion and even denial. It’s part of the path if you will. It’s a step closer to Truth. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

I primarily just want sex from women in order to fill the void. I want to be loved and liked. I don't like rejection. Which is why when I socialize, I am very hesistent on what to say. My approval and self worth deeply depends on the other person. 

 

You get what you give. Spend time with a female in the self-commitment that you are not going to have sex, or even kiss. Actually notice her. Actually take an interest in her insights, her wants, her needs, her dreams. Btw… making a dreamboard makes this very natural. Makes all such conversation very easy & natural. It’s easy to conversation with someone when you are feeling & knowing of what you really want, which is in plain sight for you on your dreamboard. Hopefully ‘dots are connecting here’. Don’t neglect to use the emotional scale. Express which emotions you’re feeling by using the specific words on the scale, and you’ll be more aware of when you weren’t expressing, but were judging emotions. 

[Eternal]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

I’m suggesting this is where you’re struggling with a pattern of seeking to feel better from sex… because you can’t per se feel better about yourself because you are yourself. The ‘second’ ‘self’ is an idea, the ‘true’ self is the awareness of the idea. 

 

Put another way, notice there are experiences that feel great and experiences that don’t. Notice the great feeling is always the very same great feeling. Experiences vary, but happiness is always the very same (unveiled, unobscured) Happiness. Happiness is veiled / obscured by the belief Happiness is coming from an object or relationship. To realize this is humbling to the pride, because it means you’ve essentially been ‘wrong’ all along - but not really ‘wrong’. It’s because you’re infinite and by being experience you forgot your true nature - Happiness. Yet, the true nature, Happiness, has never been missing… it’s always been the same Happiness, just obscured by discordant self referential beliefs, or, beliefs about yourself, none of which are or ever were actually true. The ‘shift’ is putting feeling first. Recognizing the discordant beliefs aren’t true soley based on - how those thoughts / beliefs feel. Self-Evident. 🤍

By letting go of attempting to determine, and noticing there’s no ‘work’ to do there… you already feel, and already know some thoughts about you don’t feel aligned / good. It’s more admitting the truth of this… which is admitting the discordant thoughts aren’t true. Again, it’s both humbling and very, very liberating of the suffering you’ve been experiencing. 

If attention wasn’t behind them you wouldn’t be able to refer to them. It’s ok to recognize aversion and even denial. It’s part of the path if you will. It’s a step closer to Truth. 

You get what you give. Spend time with a female in the self-commitment that you are not going to have sex, or even kiss. Actually notice her. Actually take an interest in her insights, her wants, her needs, her dreams. Btw… making a dreamboard makes this very natural. Makes all such conversation very easy & natural. It’s easy to conversation with someone when you are feeling & knowing of what you really want, which is in plain sight for you on your dreamboard. Hopefully ‘dots are connecting here’. Don’t neglect to use the emotional scale. Express which emotions you’re feeling by using the specific words on the scale, and you’ll be more aware of when you weren’t expressing, but were judging emotions. 

 

I have been a lot more journaling as of late. Is making a dreamboard on onenote sufficient? or would it better to have it in plain sight, like on a whiteboard. 

 

Also I don't know exactly what I want. I have a lot of mental concepts but I don't know. It's a feeling of being lost. I probably need more life experience. Should I just do activities and be mindful of how I feel doing them? If it is good then put it on the dreamboard? What if some activities feel bad to begin with because my skills are bad but will feel better when I incrase my skill level

 

I date I had tonight was very close to flaking on me as she did not text in a long time. She just did but it is that I am still way to much engrossed in objective experience to make me feel good or bad. 

 

Trying to be more mindful during the day... 

[Phil]

@Eternal

A big doubled sided dry erase board is best imo. Very different experience. 

1 hour ago, Eternal said:

Also I don't know exactly what I want. I have a lot of mental concepts but I don't know. It's a feeling of being lost. I probably need more life experience. Should I just do activities and be mindful of how I feel doing them? If it is good then put it on the dreamboard? What if some activities feel bad to begin with because my skills are bad but will feel better when I incrase my skill level

The thing is… you write what you want to experience on the board and then it begins coming into your experience. Think if you want to but it’s not required. 

You’re exactly where you should be, you don’t need more life experience. That’ll of course happen, but you don’t have any shortage of it. 

There aren’t really any shoulds. That’s one of the revelations that is realized with starting one. 

I’d write anything & everything that you like, enjoy, love and want to do, be & experience. Fill it up with nothing but youness without regard for what anyone else thinks you should want or do. Let them make their own dreamboard. 🙂