Eye contact

[WhiteOwl]

I noticed i have too much focus on having the right amount of eye contact when speaking to people, and it distracts me from listening to the person. I believe it shows confidence, and blinking too much or looking down is a sign of insecurity or weakness (not saying because i think its the truth, but i guess for me it is). When speaking to friends and family or new people, i feel like we test each other a little bit with holding eye contact and it don't always enjoy it, but i don't want to give an impression of someone weak as mentioned above. How do i free myself of this dynamic of paying attention to this, while at the same time being at ease looking people in the eyes. I also notice i have a tendency to nod a lot and if i don't i feel like im almost being a bit rude. 

[Mandy]

Interesting that we can't worry about how we are acting and also be present and listen to someone, huh? What if our observation of our own actions and the person in front of us isn't thought to be separate? The observer isn't possessed, but simply pure observing. 

[WhiteOwl]

@MandyI think i get what you mean. Just feels like nothing will happen if "i" am not "trying". But thats up for a test

[Mandy]

What you resist you get, so if you're worried about looking insecure, that worry about being perceived as insecure IS the insecurity. See how hysterically direct it is?   Direct I contact. 

[Phil]

Trying to show confidence might keep the idea there’s a lack of it going.  

[WhiteOwl]

@Phil @Mandy yes, and yes. i decided to look deeply at myself and not stop before i find out why i am not at ease. just did a session, asking myself whats wrong about if i am insecure. Emotions and tensions get really heavy and whirl around in my throat/face mostly, but its not like i get any answer. Once the emotion and tension settles everything seems more light and i feel better and the problem doesn't seem to be as much a thing. Would it be good to continue to go at it for an "answer"?

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl You might believe that there are confident people? There are times when you are confident and times when you are thinking thoughts about yourself that don't allow you to focus on appreciation or what you want to express. Rather than giving a lot of focus to when you are feeling insecure or questioning yourself, look for the times when you are confident, and notice when that occurs (usually it's when you are enjoying the conversation.) If we give our focus to feeling good, we don't have to seek to get rid of insecurity, it's just not present when we feel good. 

 

We don't ever get to the bottom of problems. Awareness only seems to dissolve or dispel problems and tensions because it was never tangled up in them anyway. When we give our focus to something with the motive of excluding it from our experience, we create it. I would instead give attention to the great conversations, and the moments when you really felt good. There's nothing wrong with you, but maybe the assumption that there is. 

 

[WhiteOwl]

@MandyI guess i believe so, even though i know there ain't. But thanks for your reply, very helpful. Last two days have been a lot more clear for me, and i've been able to see very clearly whenever i start giving focus to stuff like that. I will look forward to all the interesting and amazing conversations ill have instead 🙂 thank you!

Edited June 24, 2022 by WhiteOwl

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl 🙏😊