Everything sucks. I hate myself. Life disgusts me.

[Blessed2]

I'm feeling so fucking bad that I can't narrate it. Everything disgusts me. Each thing I see and think and write.

 

This isn't the first time I've felt this. I often feel disgusted about things. Would be nicer to be angry or something, but I can't even get there. Just disgust.

 

It's by girlfriends birthday. She would have wanted me to come partying. Didn't go. Feel like shit about it. But I couldn't go. Didn't want to because it would have felt like shit to be there. Would have been bored and disgusted about every person there, myself included. 

Sounds horrible but that's how I feel. Don't like parties in general. Can't have fun or relax. Always feeling insecure and frustrated and irritated.

 

Literally can't describe what I feel. There are no words. I don't think there exists a word for this feeling. Disgust is probably the closest one. I resent life. 

 

It feels like being "stuck" in disgust and resentment. Can't see a way out. It makes me feel even more disgusted and resentful. Nothing I do or write or read helps. It's all for nothing.

 

I'm so tired of feeling this. I'm tired of who I am and what life feels like to me. It's so disgusting and sickening that it makes my mind go blank.

 

I've tried so many things. I've tried being optimistic. I've waited. So many times I've thought "maybe now things change, maybe this thing" "Maybe feeling better is right around the corner, just one more minute." But no, it's always a disappointment. Optimism makes me want to throw up.

 

Now I'm thinking whether to keep writing or to just stop. This isn't working either. This is a disappointment too. There is no point.

 

Meditate blah blah eat better blah blah... Thought of doing so makes me nauseous. I can't do it. I can't meditate. I can't do the work. I'm a failure. I don't have the focus. Meditating is too uncomfortable. "But you need to do it so eventually you'll feel more comfortable!" No, I can't. It's too uncomfortable. I'm a failure. I'm too lazy for it. Too weak. It isn't for me. Spirituality and happiness is for people who has what it takes. I don't. My life is a whole fucking failure.

 

For some fucking reason everything in life must be hard. And for some fucking reason there is something wrong with me so that I can't really even hope for happiness. Depression, addiction, panic attacks, bad trips, psychosis... Why the fuck do I have to go through this shit? Why me? Some of you have it really easy. Some people can like actually just study normally and build a carreer and don't need to fear going randomly insane. I get anxious even by hearing the word "insanity" or "mushrooms". There are people like me who has trouble getting up in the morning, for no reason. Just because the body or the mind is fucked up for some reason.

 

----

 

Alright. Starting to feel just a little bit better. Still not at all optimistic.

 

So many wonderful things are going on in my life. Would be nice to feel excited and eager about them. I've tried, but it hasn't worked. Probably going to be quite disappointed with them too. It's never as good as I'd hope it to be. 

 

Life is kind of annoying. It's hard to figure out how it works, how feeling better works. It seems so unreliable. You can't just choose to feel better. There's always some trick. It's like life tricks you. It's annoying. I don't like it.

 

"You are the happiness you seek." But why is it so hard to find the I? Why must it be so tricky, "so close it's missed"? Why can't happiness just be easy?

[Orb]

@Blessed2 Theres no obligation to feel happiness. 

 

The stuckness is originated from wanting to be free, and wanting to be free implies theres a you whos stuck. 

 

Let go of the burden of happiness is my suggestion.

 

Forget all the other emotions, just express what you feel right now is all. Forget about happiness, you dont feel happiness right now, any talk of being happy is just talk. Right now youre feeling like shit, honestly I think the labelling of how you feel is the culprit behind feeling like shit, but anyways express that and that alone. 

 

One step at a time. 

 

No need to judge anything youre doing that is perceived as "negative". No need to judge anything youre doing to feel better. 

Edited June 12, 2022 by Orb