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Life is such a struggle

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Every day I have to deal with tension headaches, restless legs from the medication I'm on, I have to go for jogs and walks (literally the only form of exercise I can tolerate) emptying my bowels (disgusting and causes me anxiety to think people can hear me), have to take showers every few days (I hate the sensation of getting wet).


Also on my walks I constantly am in fear of bumping into people I know. My social skills are non-existent these days. I know I should be grateful that these are the things I have to worry about, it could be so much worse, but then I awakened and found out I have to live the life of everyone who ever existed and have to deal with these things for an ETERNITY.


Makes me want to kill myself but then I remember I'll just reincarnate or wake up in a hospital bed disabled, or wake up in my bed groundhog day style. I just hate that I have to be a human, and my life is so good and I still can't appreciate it at all. Thanks for reading.

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1 hour ago, howisitsoactivehere said:

I know I should be grateful that these are the things I have to worry about, it could be so much worse, but then I awakened and found out I have to live the life of everyone who ever existed and have to deal with these things for an ETERNITY.

That has nothing to do with awakening and a lot to do with believing what someone else said. 


There is no time or "weight" in eternity. Eternity is now. This here is eternity. Time requires two imagined points, (two thoughts) and is a third through measuring the distance between those other two thoughts is time. Eternity is that there isn't any distance, there aren't two different points. Eternity doesn't happen in the future, it is, without thinking it. Yet for thought, eternity is a distance between two points. For thought eternity can be feared as future. However, future is not eternity by its definition, it's a thought of a time excluding other times. 


1 hour ago, howisitsoactivehere said:

, have to take showers every few days (I hate the sensation of getting wet).

Do you hate the sensation or do you hate the thoughts of resistance to the sensation? Don't think about it, really get curious next time you take a shower and find out. This is what all the Wim Hof stuff is about. It frees us of fearing sensation and gives us the opportunity to notice that it's just our thinking about it that is the suffering, not the cold temperature. 

1 hour ago, howisitsoactivehere said:

I just hate that I have to be a human, and my life is so good and I still can't appreciate it at all. 

Funny to not appreciate yourself for not appreciating, isn't it? Check out the emotional scale and express emotions. We can't blame ourselves and feel discouraged for not appreciating, and also appreciate at the same time, we can only let go of thoughts that believe our interpretation of reality to be the truth.  Let go those thoughts and there's nothing you need to do to see the love in what already is. Notice the thoughts you have reading these words. Notice how what I'm saying actually feels, how it actually resonates and how it is interpreted. Notice how what you wrote feels to read, think, believe. We can start with expressing the truth of what we think. No only is saying that you have to bullshit your way to positivity, that's what moving up the emotional scale and expression is about. You express your truth. Then, you align it with feeling. True expression feels like a relief. it does not feel like asserting a horrible truth as truth, disregarding feeling. We want our thoughts to align with feeling, we want to think thoughts of appreciation and clarity. So express the thoughts about how things are and see that the suffering isn't inherent in how things are, but in the thoughts about it. Listen to the feeling behind the thoughts and align with that. Feeling, always ever now, IS what's truly eternal. If you were not Love you could think a horrible thought about yourself, believe it and it NOT be responded to by discordant feeling. The negative emotion is only a manifestation of how loved you are. Now. Love is not a feeling, it is feeling itself, and alignment with it feels like itself. 

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Keeping in mind it’s anonymous I would make more use of, and get much more out of this forum. There is a relationship if you will, between aversion and feeling great / feeling better. A simplified example you might have already heard is of young kids and fear of a monster being in their closet. Staying in the bed, the fear / suffering persists, and it isn’t realized that the suffering is of the thoughts about there being a monster in the closet. But if the kid goes and looks in the closet there is relief in finding that the closet is empty, there is no monster, and the fear felt was just that of the thought focused on and believed. 


That is a very oversimplified example. Aversion isn’t complex really, it’s always “just the thought”, and a matter inspecting direct experience / “looking in the closet”… but it’s ‘complex’ so to speak in that aversion can apply to just about anything, any activity, pursuit, etc.. and aversion is very ‘sneaky’ in that it very easily goes unnoticed. I think that is possibly a very significant aspect of experience for you to see. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I suspect you’ve been hurt, harmed, and I sincerely am sorry for that if so. I have experienced being hurt and harmed as well. I would wager that in some way, every one, every member of this forum has in some way been hurt and or harmed. It tends to result in many barriers which are of the somewhat unconscious mindset or orientation of not getting hurt or harmed again. This becomes like armor, and in a nutshell, we feel less, which leaves us suffering and wanting to feel better. 


I don’t know if I’ve explained it well, but that’s where I’m coming from in suggesting to engage more and get more use out of the forum. If, for example, you make a thread, and then feel aversion in responding to comments / reply’s, I would take pause, breathe & relax, step away, let it clear out… and then come back and reply to the comments… continue engaging. If it gets uncomfortable, take pause again, take a break, step away, let it clear out, and then come back and engage with additional comments. 


The mind can, so to speak, do some weird things with regard to time. Though there is always only this moment, thought can sort of take in big slices or amounts of time, pain of the past and also worry of the future, and this can feel very overwhelming & discouraging. But with engaging, and stepping away, but then coming back and continuing the engagement, again and again… hoping you get what I mean by this with respect to your life experiences… it is slowly but surely seen, realized, and much more relevantly felt… that there aren’t monsters in all those closets.


With the utmost respect to the validity of your, or anyone’s difficult and painful past experiences, there are some ‘monsters’ out there in the world. Some people do some pretty vulgar and horrific things. No doubt. But, and I really wish I had the words to convey this… with engaging, inspecting, having a look… taking time away as needed… and then again engaging and inspecting… it begins to be seen more clearly, and understood more & more, how we are - that we are, all in this together.


A bigger and bigger picture is seen, and inevitably the Whole is seen, and it is seen and understood why & how some of us end up as these ‘monsters’, and do such harmful things to each other. In the seeing & understanding of this, there is great, great healing, more & more clarity, and so so so much love to be felt, and known, and received, and given, and shared. But for you to come to know and feel this love, your engagement is required. There’s no rush, no pressure, no urgency, but please do consider trying to notice the aversion, and the feeling of it, and the engagement, and the healing & resolving feeling of it too. Appreciation, deep, deep appreciation can and will arise.


When pride & ambition, the ‘armor’ is seen and let go or taken off, then these motives of ‘the separate self’ can be seen clearly when they are projected with respect to spirituality, being the inspection of, and not the conceptualization or ideology of, what is real, actual and True… and you will not feel discouraged or upset in anyway, you will feel great love and compassion beyond words. 


And just incase it hasn’t been said, if you haven’t heard - self-realization, enlightenment, is very much possible for you. My two cents would be, it is most worthwhile. Far beyond any words could ever convey. You can be, live, thrive - without suffering. This is possible for you. 

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