How do i heal relations with my parents? How to heal trauma?

[Forza21]

I have a very hard time loving my family. I feel like this stands on the way to love. 

 

I  have a lot of anger and grief, what values were planted into my brain when i was a kid.

It was a pretty decent family, but my mother suffered from depression and anxiety, and now i have pretty much the same issues, constant fear about life in general.

I have some very traumatic memories. Back then, my mother many times, threatened, that she would commit suicide. She would cry and scream every week. For 7-8 years old, it was devastating. To the point, that one time, I physically hurt myself,  because of fear and pain related to those events.

My mother has changed,  she has cured herself, she's happy now, but i can't get close to her anyway. I feel annoyed whenever we meet, i throw away all her attempts to get close to me. I avoid her love. I can't love her. Plus, i feel like  she doesn't understand anything i'm going through. Same with dad. They simply don't get it.

I tried to tell her what happened and how it was hard for me. She rejects it, and changes subject every time. She doesn't understand how it might affect me.

I had many approaches to change it, but i go back to "old". I would like to heal it, but i don't how.

Thanks,

Edited May 31, 2022 by Forza21

[Indisguise]

This actually sounds like a case for ordinary, normal psychotherapy, I think. Issues in the relationship with ones parents, especially trauma that's related to ones relationship with parents, this is very very common. Abusive parents or parents who never really were parents to us when we were children, that's a major source of trauma. 

[Phil]

@Forza21

Why was she depressed, anxious and fearful?

How did she change such that she is happy now? 

What worked for her / how’d she cure herself?

As she is happy now, what is it she doesn’t get? 

Does understanding come from love / loving, or does love / loving come from understanding? 

[Mandy]

How much do you know about your parent's childhoods? 

[Faith]

On 5/31/2022 at 2:47 PM, Forza21 said:

My mother has changed,  she has cured herself, she's happy now

That's an absolute miracle. 

 

For you, if you can let it go and forgive, for you to heal and move forward, then that would be best.

If you can't do that, which I understand, then I would suggest working with a therapist. 

 

 

 

[Phil]

On 5/31/2022 at 2:47 PM, Forza21 said:

I have a very hard time loving my family. I feel like this stands on the way to love. 

Are these thoughts / beliefs, or is there something (in perception) which stands in the way? 

Is there this and love?

Do you really have anger & grief? 

If that’s what you’re feeling, how, and why? What is ‘it’ really?

‘Pretty decent family’… perhaps it is missed the implication is…. compared to… the other families you had / have…?

Isn’t the family you actually have… by default the best? Isn’t it so?

An admittedly ‘challenging question’ and if it seems in order, I certainly apologize… do you really have traumatic memories? Or are these thoughts focused upon, which resonate and or do not…? 

Is it then which is felt, or is it the thoughts now which are felt?

’I avoid her love’, I can’t love her’…. ‘She doesn’t understand’. 🤔

Someone needs to understand something for you to love?

I’m no expert, I don’t know anything, I assure you I do not understand, but that doesn’t seem like it’s gonna ‘fit’. 

I’m left wondering if she held the same beliefs about her parents prior to awakening. 

 

 

[Forza21]

On 5/31/2022 at 9:08 PM, Indisguise said:

This actually sounds like a case for ordinary, normal psychotherapy, I think. Issues in the relationship with ones parents, especially trauma that's related to ones relationship with parents, this is very very common. Abusive parents or parents who never really were parents to us when we were children, that's a major source of trauma. 

Thanks Tim, i've already tried psychotherapy, with very to none improvements 🙂

 

On 6/1/2022 at 12:45 PM, Phil said:

@Forza21

Why was she depressed, anxious and fearful?

How did she change such that she is happy now? 

What worked for her / how’d she cure herself?

As she is happy now, what is it she doesn’t get? 

Does understanding come from love / loving, or does love / loving come from understanding? 

 

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Are these thoughts / beliefs, or is there something (in perception) which stands in the way? 

Is there this and love?

Do you really have anger & grief? 

If that’s what you’re feeling, how, and why? What is ‘it’ really?

‘Pretty decent family’… perhaps it is missed the implication is…. compared to… the other families you had / have…?

Isn’t the family you actually have… by default the best? Isn’t it so?

An admittedly ‘challenging question’ and if it seems in order, I certainly apologize… do you really have traumatic memories? Or are these thoughts focused upon, which resonate and or do not…? 

Is it then which is felt, or is it the thoughts now which are felt?

’I avoid her love’, I can’t love her’…. ‘She doesn’t understand’. 🤔

Someone needs to understand something for you to love?

I’m no expert, I don’t know anything, I assure you I do not understand, but that doesn’t seem like it’s gonna ‘fit’. 

I’m left wondering if she held the same beliefs about her parents prior to awakening. 

 

 

Thank you Phil, i'll work with that.

The best question is that with "traumatic memories" . It's true, i can't suffer or be "traumatized" without referring to the... thoughts about it. And thoughts are simply thoughts.

She's not awake anyhow, but she's on the retirement already, and she managed to appreciate small things during her day. She's so much different from she used to be, when she was active career wise.

I've had some successes with relation with her lately, i approached her, and gave her a hug, i said "love you" which was like super hard to overcome, but its great relief afterwards.

Also some visualization with that "small inner child" of mine, and hugging him/giving him love is super helpful, when i feel he goes into surface. 

Thank you!

[Phil]

@Forza21

Great to hear! 👊🏻