How do I stop caring about what people think of me?

[DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis]

I keep compulsively texting and chatting with some people even though I don't care about them.

 

I don't even see myself talking to these people in a year from now, I just still talk to them because we are in the same school.

 

But I can't stop talking to them and texting them. Every time we get in a conversation via messages I compulsively respond even though I should be doing other things. This is because I care about what they think of me. I fear that if they don't like me they will go and slander my reputation and tell the cops I did something I didn't do. (this fear is irrational). 

 

I have ADHD so this might be Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. 

 

But I need to stop caring about such trivial things like what people think of me. I have a limited time on this life and I feel like I am wasting so much of my time by caring about what people think of me. 

 

Are there any good books, courses, or material on this topic? 

[Phil]

You care about them, and you talk to them because you want to. That’s perfectly ok. 🙂

 

Make a journal and keep expressing. Propose questions in your general, and allow answers / the clarity desired, to arise. Inspect. 

It will get clearer and clearer that you don’t know what anyone else thinks, and you are feeling thoughts directly. 

Maybe you, love, love everyone, but are projecting the discord of thoughts, aka transference.

A good read might be a google of ‘transference’.  

 

Consider the example of racism. The thoughts like ‘you people’, ‘those people’ (and many other disparaging terms) are othering, and the projection of the discord felt when doing so (believing the thoughts are true). Believing the discord is caused by someone else, when the suffering, the discord, was always felt from the thoughts directly experienced. Never what someone else thinks, says or might be thinkin. 

 

Maybe if you acknowledge you do care about them, you’ll feel freer, and it’ll be easier to focus on whatever the other thing you’d rather be focused on is. 

Maybe you are focused on discordant thought about them, and trying to resolve this by continuing to focus on the same thoughts, the same subject matter if you will. 

 

‘But I can’t stop’ is a thought, which isn’t true. Believing the thought, instead of recognizing it is a thought, makes it seem true. It’s not the truth, it’s just a thought. 

‘I can’t stop’ isn’t an attempt to create anything / change. Instead… “I can start ____________”.  Put whatever you do want in that blank. If at a loss, write the opposite of what you don’t want. Allow it to be simple. Feel the easiness. 

 

Being in the same school and talking with whoever is not discordant. The thoughts about them are discordant, and the projecting of the discord onto them as ‘the uncareables’ is veiling of the true nature. Care for yourself so to speak, by caring about what thoughts you focus on. Don’t make it, the suffering, about them. That obscures focus, and can sometimes lead to a belief something is ‘wrong’ with you… when really the belief is ‘something’s wrong with them’, and that belief wasn’t true, and therefore wasn’t resonating. 

 

There is no such experience as caring or not caring about what people think of you. You don’t experience what people think of you.

What people say, and what you think, is more accurate as in indicative of direct experience. 

 

Book wise, start at the top.

Make a dreamboard. 

Use the scale. 

 

I’m gonna say this, (and I do mean it) just for what it’s worth, just so you have a reference of someone sayin it -

 

I love you, and I do care about you, and if I don’t like how I feel - I look at what I’m thinkin, what thought I’m presently focused on. How I feel isn’t your work, responsibility or job, it’s my ‘work’, my discord to inspect, my alignment to realize & feel. Every time I do, I am home in the peace of our being everywhere I go. 

 

The way to stop caring about what other people think, is to start caring about what you think. 

 

 

 

 

[DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis]

21 hours ago, Phil said:

You care about them, and you talk to them because you want to.

I don't want to talk to them. I compulsively talk to them.

 

They are dragging my development down. It feels like they are crabs in a bucket. 

I don't hate them or anything, it's their choice what they want to do with their life, I just don't want to be around them. 

 

21 hours ago, Phil said:

‘I can’t stop’ isn’t an attempt to create anything / change. Instead… “I can start ____________”.  Put whatever you do want in that blank. If at a loss, write the opposite of what you don’t want. Allow it to be simple. Feel the easiness. 

This makes sense. 

Lately I have been saying "GET OUT OF MY HEAD". Is that also not an attempt to create anything / change? I feel so stuck in my head that I say that a lot. 

What I don't want is "Overthinking". 

 

What is the opposite of "Overthinking", @Phil ?

21 hours ago, Phil said:

I love you, and I do care about you, and if I don’t like how I feel - I look at what I’m thinkin, what thought I’m presently focused on. How I feel isn’t your work, responsibility or job, it’s my ‘work’, my discord to inspect, my alignment to realize & feel. Every time I do, I am home in the peace of our being everywhere I go. 

 

The way to stop caring about what other people think, is to start caring about what you think. 

Thank you. I believe you by the very fact you put in the effort to respond to my posts and others' posts. I want to be selfless like that too.

[Phil]

 

14 hours ago, DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis said:

I don't want to talk to them. I compulsively talk to them.

They are dragging my development down. It feels like they are crabs in a bucket. 
I don't hate them or anything, it's their choice what they want to do with their life, I just don't want to be around them. 

Appreciate them instead. Lift your development up.  Think of one thing you’re jealous of for each person.

It’s your choice what you want to do in your life too.  What or who do you want to be around? Or maybe you want to spend time alone…?

14 hours ago, DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis said:

Lately I have been saying "GET OUT OF MY HEAD". Is that also not an attempt to create anything / change? I feel so stuck in my head that I say that a lot. 

What is the most pleasant aspect, thing, thought, image, or what have you, which you would like ‘in your head’? What resonates most with regard to something you want to experience? 

14 hours ago, DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis said:

What I don't want is "Overthinking". 

What is the opposite of "Overthinking", @Phil ?

Bodily, felt,  peace-fullness… from considering different perspectives, vs believing a discordant perspective. 

🙏 

 

[DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis]

8 hours ago, Phil said:

Think of one thing you’re jealous of for each person.

I can't find something I'm jealous of for these people in particular. I pity them actually. Most of them are either addicted to video games or drink alcohol every day. 

 

However, I have found people that I am jealous of (via the Emotional Scale you talked about) and they are people online, not people I know in person. I am jealous of them because they look like they are living awesome lives. So you are right in that it is relieving to shift from inward to outward. 
 

8 hours ago, Phil said:

 What or who do you want to be around? Or maybe you want to spend time alone…?

I want to be around like-minded people who bring me up and are better/more successful than I am. I want to find a group where I am initally the dumb one. 

 

8 hours ago, Phil said:

What is the most pleasant aspect, thing, thought, image, or what have you, which you would like ‘in your head’? What resonates most with regard to something you want to experience? 

Probably the things on my dreamboard, which I am still in the process of creating. But these intrusive thoughts have such a strong pull that they deter me from the things on my dreamboard. 

[DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis]

@Phil I pondered some more and this is what I'm thinking. I think it aligns with what you say:

 

I noticed a pattern with the thoughts that bring me so much suffering: 

"What if I go to jail for something I didn't do?" 

"What if my reputation gets tarnished?" 
"This person probably thinks this about me."
"I am worried about ever trying psychedelics because I am worried that I could get caught for possessing them." 

 

These are all thoughts about "me". These thoughts are inherently selfish, because they are trying to serve the survival of "me", and trying to avoid causing "me" suffering (which ironically is itself what is causing "me" suffering). 

On the other hand, shifting my thoughts from inwards (me) to outwards (creating and doing meaningful work for the betterment of others and mankind) seems like a better approach. I am not in touch with my emotions enough to feel a feeling of relief from this shift, but maybe I will as I do more of this work. 

At the end of the day, maybe my fears could happen in reality, even if they're unlikely, but am I really going to let worries and paranoia stop me from contributing the gifts that Infinite Intelligence has given me to others? 
 

Perhaps if I "lose myself to the service of others", putting other's need before my own selfish survival concerns and fears, then I will not have much of a "self", "I", "me", to defend and protect.

 

Maybe in this way, counterintuitively, the highest selfishness is selflessness. It goes full-circle. 

[Phil]

9 minutes ago, DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis said:

@Phil I pondered some more and this is what I'm thinking. I think it aligns with what you say:

 

I noticed a pattern with the thoughts that bring me so much suffering: 

"What if I go to jail for something I didn't do?" 

"What if my reputation gets tarnished?" 
"This person probably thinks this about me."
"I am worried about ever trying psychedelics because I am worried that I could get caught for possessing them." 

 

These are all thoughts about "me". These thoughts are inherently selfish, because they are trying to serve the survival of "me", and trying to avoid causing "me" suffering (which ironically is itself what is causing "me" suffering). 

 

Yes! Spot on. Any thought which doesn’t feel good just isn’t aligned with the truth that you’re awesome. The more you put feeling first, the more guidance you’re allowing into your life, and the more you see this is true for everyone, and naturally, effortlessly… the less focus you give to what other people might think. They have a source 🤍 too - they feel the discord and alignment too. 

 

9 minutes ago, DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis said:

On the other hand, shifting my thoughts from inwards (me) to outwards (creating and doing meaningful work for the betterment of others and mankind) seems like a better approach. I am not in touch with my emotions enough to feel a feeling of relief from this shift, but maybe I will as I do more of this work. 

Yes - you absolutely will. Feel the momentum and alignment of allowing better feeing thoughts - just for how it feels!

9 minutes ago, DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis said:

At the end of the day, maybe my fears could happen in reality, even if they're unlikely, but am I really going to let worries and paranoia stop me from contributing the gifts that Infinite Intelligence has given me to others? 

Beautiful my man, just beautiful. 

9 minutes ago, DefinitelyGettingOutOfThis said:

Perhaps if I "lose myself to the service of others", putting other's need before my own selfish survival concerns and fears, then I will not have much of a "self", "I", "me", to defend and protect.

 

Maybe in this way, counterintuitively, the highest selfishness is selflessness. It goes full-circle. 

🥹

[Mandy]

It helps to make the distinction between care (fear), and love. When we have expectations of others or have grown up with expectations placed on us, we mistake caring for love. Don't settle for that. 

 

If you feel prone to guilt, it would be for the same reason above, mistaking care for love. Sometimes allowing ourselves to feel good even when someone else is upset with us seems very wrong, but guilt is always in the care category, it's not love. If someone did you wrong, you want an apology that comes from love, not one that comes from care/ fear of you/ fear of reprimands/ the suffering of guilt. The second kind wouldn't really feel like an apology at all. Forgiveness is simply dropping the care, and feeling that love right back. 

 

Forgive yourself for all the things you've never done but feel the guilt of anyway.