Mommy issues

[Phil]

21 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I’m happy for you. You picked your wife. I didn’t pick my mom. Given the choice I wouldn’t pick my mom

Thanks. Comparative thoughts are really tricky though. I didn’t actually pick my wife at all. 

 

22 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I don’t think you mean it this way but I feel attacked. Also I don’t agree with your framing of the issue. This is entirely a me in relation to my mom issue. And it’s far more of an issue of not being listened to, respected, or understood by my own mother

What specifically seems attacking?

[Isagi Yoichi]

7 minutes ago, Phil said:

Thanks. Comparative thoughts are really tricky though. I didn’t actually pick my wife at all. 

 

What specifically seems attacking?

 

It is a projection, what seems attacking is that she has another perspective that's different from his dogmatic view so his ego feels attacked

Edited Friday at 07:24 PM by Isagi Yoichi

[Kevin]

17 minutes ago, Mandy said:

What does she enjoy doing, what is she good at? 

She’s into gardening and hiking and animals

[Kevin]

10 minutes ago, Phil said:

Thanks. Comparative thoughts are really tricky though. I didn’t actually pick my wife at all. 

 

hmm well I don’t want to get too sidetracked but you can pick a different wife. I can’t pick a different mother.

10 minutes ago, Phil said:

What specifically seems attacking?

I don’t believe you meant to attack me. I believe I was triggered. Idk I’m very confused to be honest. Maybe I thought you were invalidating me being angry at her.

[Mandy]

17 minutes ago, Kevin said:

She’s into gardening and hiking and animals

Can't you talk about any of those things, or anything you're interested in or anything else except politics and world events? 

[Phil]

18 minutes ago, Kevin said:

hmm well I don’t want to get too sidetracked but you can pick a different wife. I can’t pick a different mother

I get that it seems like it, but I didn’t pick my wife, nor would I really be picking another. 

 

19 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I don’t believe you meant to attack me. I believe I was triggered. Idk I’m very confused to be honest. Maybe I thought you were invalidating me being angry at her.

No worries. Certainly not meant that way. The confusion might be between yourself and your experience. Is that a belief was triggered, and anger is felt lighter, more spacious, clearer & less confusing?

[Kevin]

25 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Can't you talk about any of those things, or anything you're interested in or anything else except politics and world events? 

Yes moving forward I won’t discuss these things with her anymore. I realize part of me arguing with her is probably me wanting some resolution about the conflict when I was a kid.

[Kevin]

16 minutes ago, Phil said:

I get that it seems like it, but I didn’t pick my wife, nor would I really be picking another. 

 

hmm well that is confusing. Do you mean because there is no you to pick? So even if you got divorced and then remarried you wouldn’t be picking a new wife?

16 minutes ago, Phil said:

No worries. Certainly not meant that way. The confusion might be between yourself and your experience. Is that a belief was triggered, and anger is felt lighter, more spacious, clearer & less confusing?

Yeah I knew you didn’t mean it that way. And yeah triggered and then let it go. 

[Phil]

35 minutes ago, Kevin said:

hmm well that is confusing. Do you mean because there is no you to pick? So even if you got divorced and then remarried you wouldn’t be picking a new wife?

Choice is really just an illusion. Also if there is no you to pick, there’s also no you which gets divorced or remarried. 

 

36 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Yeah I knew you didn’t mean it that way. And yeah triggered and then let it go. 

😅 Is that distinction relieving though? A belief triggered vs a self triggered, and anger felt vs a self which is angry?

[Mandy]

48 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Yes moving forward I won’t discuss these things with her anymore. I realize part of me arguing with her is probably me wanting some resolution about the conflict when I was a kid.

If your relationship with your Mom could be anything you wanted it to be, what would it be? 

[Phil]

@Kevin

It might resonate and feel relieving because if that’s more or less just how it is or just how you are, there’s really nowhere to go with that. But if it’s a belief being triggered, a belief can be questioned and dispelled, and in that case the triggering doesn’t happen

anymore.

[Kevin]

59 minutes ago, Phil said:

Choice is really just an illusion. Also if there is no you to pick, there’s also no you which gets divorced or remarried. 

 

😅 Is that distinction relieving though? A belief triggered vs a self triggered, and anger felt vs a self which is angry?

Yes the distinction makes sense and is relieving. It’s also a huge change from taking things personal. My go to way of operating is taking it personal and getting defensive.

 

15 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

It might resonate and feel relieving because if that’s more or less just how it is or just how you are, there’s really nowhere to go with that. But if it’s a belief being triggered, a belief can be questioned and dispelled, and in that case the triggering doesn’t happen

anymore.

I’ll have to pay attention to that distinction because if it’s seen that way then I would want to be triggered because it’s an opportunity.

[Kevin]

58 minutes ago, Mandy said:

If your relationship with your Mom could be anything you wanted it to be, what would it be? 

I honestly don’t know. It’s been so long since things have been even ok with her that I just have no idea.

[Mandy]

@Kevin What if it's just that easy... to envision the relationship you actually want? It seems like the reflection in the mirror is never going to smile first, never going to drop the gun because it isn't. You always have to be the one to smile first, to put down the gun in the metaphorical stand off. 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

then I would want to be triggered because it’s an opportunity.

Exactly. ♥️