A box of chocolate

[WhiteOwl]

So i've gotten a magical box of chocolate. Can't really talk about it here unfortunately. 

 

I AM DOWN ON MY KNEES WITH MY HANDS TOGETHER, I ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEAR, THE INSECURITY, THE UNWORTHINESS. I fully and deeply acknowledge it. 

 

I acknowledge the fear and insecurity i feel with the woman i am seeing. Around my best friend. In most relationships really. 

 

There is one fucking life, this. Is all the bullshit causing so much worry, fear, insecurity, unworthiness worth anything? Trying to be something. For no-one. 

 

The urge to connect with new people. Turned away by fear if it gets close, but what for really. 

 

"What if i get hurt, what if i don't want it afterall. What if i don't actually want or care about the person or the situation i find myself in. I can't commit."

 

When are all these games dropped so i can feel the vitality, fun, excitement that i sense behind it all, not dependent on someone else or some situation. 

Now?  

[WhiteOwl]

Who is tired of this crap? Who Who?

[Serenity]

Just now, WhiteOwl said:

Who is tired of this crap? Who Who?

Possessed by an owl? 😂

[WhiteOwl]

Sleeping rythm is the main priority. It really seems that aspect is slowing down well-being. Can't have these late night music sessions during the week right now. So much i want to do right now. Don't want to feel this groggy. I get woken up before 07 by neighbours wether i want it or not so i have to adjust to that schedule or get fucked. 

 

Why does being tired or starting the day like this also influence emotions so much? I don't follow my plan for the day, that makes me feel disappointment. I also believe its bad for health/muscles in general. Grrr that makes me feel anger. 

 

Can i drop it and have a good day anyways? Lets go

[WhiteOwl]

51 minutes ago, A Little Brittle Heat said:

I see it. I don't like what I see. But I see it. I won't come back here. And you can take your flexing and shove it. 

Its because you are so smart. Good luck 👍

[Phil]

The difference clarity wise, with respect to the arising fear, insecurity and unworthiness, and the desire to be without the fear, insecurity & unworthiness - might be that it is not per se ‘with the woman I am seeing’, but rather, with the belief that is - ‘with the woman I am seeing’. 

 

If you’re getting what I’m saying so to speak… @A Little Brittle Heat‘s comment is sheer perfection. Absolutely beautiful. Even the name, perfection. That the comment seems so ‘left field’, but isn’t. That you are noticing “the knower” aspect (‘you are so smart’ / ‘you know’).

 

The knower knows there’s a woman experienced, and that the emotions are not just how the beliefs around that there is a woman feel. Without “the knower” (‘the one who’s so smart’) - there is only how the beliefs ‘themselves’ feel. 

 

Make sense?

[WhiteOwl]

@PhilThe belief in seeing a woman elicits emotions of fear, insecurity, unworthiness.. thats very dramatic source. Doesn't seem like thats implicit in terms of experience and watching "others". Seems like a lot of other stuff is added as well, which is the "problematic" part. 

Why were you dumbfounded and unable to speak when "Bruce Springsteen" is just a belief? To use your own example. 

 

Why do you think @A Little Brittle Heats comment is sheer perfection? Curious. Not sure what you mean by "left-field". I do find it quite funny and perfect also with the name, i sure did feel some heat not gonna lie. Why though? Maybe i was flexing and got caught out like a thief caught stealing. Could be thought, but that would be impossible. Again a lot of "stuff" happening quickly blushing up emotion and thats whats left. 

 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

Make sense?

of course dude.. 

the "problem" sometimes is.... 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

there is only how the beliefs ‘themselves’ feel. 

WHAT FUCKING BELIEFS. 

 

 

 

 

[Phil]

22 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

PhilThe belief in seeing a woman elicits emotions of fear, insecurity, unworthiness.. thats very dramatic source.

The belief that you’re separate rightfully and perfectly feels like fear, insecurity and unworthiness. 

The belief in seeing a woman is the belief that there is a woman - a separate self. 

That is the directly experienced belief that you are separate, a separate self.

As in - the belief is you are not her, and therein are separate. 

As if there is, ever was, or could ever be that which is not you. 

 

22 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

Doesn't seem like thats implicit in terms of experience and watching "others".

There is no actual experience of watching others.

There is no actuality of implicit or explicit.

There’s just thoughts appearing, and those are just thoughts as well.

It’s discordant because it’s a belief / it isn’t true / it is, just thoughts. 

 

22 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

Seems like a lot of other stuff is added as well, which is the "problematic" part. 

There is no problem. 

The thought, ‘a hundred thoughts’, is a thought and is not a hundred thoughts. 

The thought, ‘a lot of other stuff’, is a thought and is not a lot of other stuff. 

 

22 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

Why were you dumbfounded and unable to speak when "Bruce Springsteen" is just a belief? To use your own example. 

Beliefs are only directly experienced.

So that, as a belief, would feel discordant, because it’s the belief you’re separate - as in not-Phil. 

That’s “the me”. “The me” is, not, a woman, and not Phil.

”The me” does not exist. It’s just thoughts / beliefs. 

Separation is a thought / belief. 

As Phil is acknowledged to be a directly experienced belief - there’s no discord, as the thought / belief is aligned with feeling. 

 

Synonyms for feeling; wholeness, completeness, no actual separation, true nature, truth, that which you are, which is appearing. 

 

Already!

 

There is no separate self which realizes this, nor which doesn’t get it. 

 

It’s what’s already the case. 

 

You’re already being (“this”). 

[Phil]

23 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

WHAT FUCKING BELIEFS. 

The belief you’re separate, is the belief there’s a woman and or a Phil. 

 

24 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

belief in seeing a woman elicits emotions of fear, insecurity, unworthiness

Exactly! Not “a woman” - the belief! It’s how the belief feels, and referred to as - emotions. 

[WhiteOwl]

13 minutes ago, Phil said:

There is no problem. 

The thought, ‘a hundred thoughts’, is a thought and is not a hundred thoughts. 

The thought, ‘a lot of other stuff’, is a thought and is not a lot of other stuff. 

Obviously.. Captain.. Little tedious to hear so much repetition when its just a communication. 

 

But more beliefs can be felt / experienced at the same time, right? Thats whats creating "the world". 

 

Doesn't seem like you really answered the question about why you were unable to speak and dumfounded by "someone". Or else i just don't get it.

 

Anyways. There is nothing, okay, i will look more into it.

 

[Phil]

2 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Obviously.. Captain.. Little tedious to hear so much repetition when it’s just a communication. 

There’s no secondary outside source from which that is coming. 

 

2 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

But more beliefs can be felt / experienced at the same time, right?

No.

 

2 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Thats whats creating "the world". 

Do the quotation marks donate that there isn’t really the world? 

 

2 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Doesn't seem like you really answered the question about why you were unable to speak and dumfounded by "someone". Or else i just don't get it.

There’s an experience of the thoughts, I and you. There are not actually two entities, an I and a you. 

 

If watching a movie in which someone is dumbfounded by someone else - are there two entities, or a movie?

 

Being “a movie”, being is dumbfounded, speechless - awestruck - by being’s own being. 

 

2 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Anyways. There is nothing, okay, i will look more into it.

That’s nothing as something. There is nothing as in not some thing / things, no second / secondness. 

[WhiteOwl]

Whats the point of journaling here and not just for myself. Lets see how it feels.

Its been a whole week since i meditated, i think. Been years since that has happened. I feel so busy after having started my master again. I still have my job 2 days a week, want to do exercise 3-4 a week, want to do music which is going quite great as i have no time to worry about stuff lol. I also met a girl who i'm seeing or talking to quite often, which i'm also happy for. She is not a party head which i really appreciate, so no push in that direction. My attention span when reading school stuff is completely out of shape though, and it takes a lot of time to read through papers right now. All in all i feel a bit like i am running from 1 task to the other, not really enjoying it tbh. 

Also this seeing through the illusion of the self business seems to continue as the main project as always. It is really becoming more clear everyday. Or its not so much that its not clear, "i" just still get caught up in thoughts about myself and others, all the time... but its different now. One way the self loves to show up is in arguments in the minds theater. Thoughts that appear as "me" defending myself against some imaginary threat or argument shows up a lot during the day. Kind of assuming and being on the watch for people thinking i did something wrong in various situations, playing a movie of defending myself and putting the other in place. Surpressed anger maybe. Some emotion coming up now as well writing it. 

 

Some thoughts starts to lose interest though and has become a lot easier to let go. Fantasizing and daydreaming is losing some fuel.

 

Listening to Vernon Howard or Krishnamurti whenever i have a break. I have to take a break at that sometimes as well to not stress myself. I just find it soothing and it resonates a lot. Sometimes on a deeper level each time. 

 

One limiting belief i discovered today is extremely profound. I was thinking about what some teacher had explained, and i caught myself saying "Damn I am not good/I suck at listening or recieving a message." And it struck me as it does now, i really believe that and have been believing that. Thats what my mother has been telling me my whole childhood pretty much, and i just realized that it was still there completely alive. Wow... Kind of explains so much.

 

One thing is, i really don't have time for crazy alcohol binges right now. Simply don't have time. Did it sort of last friday but that was long anticipated dinner with some new people which was nice also, but took me out for pretty much the rest of the weekend. Maybe i'm complaining too much. Is it worthwhile to write like this when its seen that i'm "creating" a self as we speak? Feels real at least

 

I ordered a new amazing bike today which i get next week which i really look forward to. Also bought new running shoes which feels great also. Doing more exercise than a long time and it does feel great.

 

I will go to bed early today, see if i can sleep and wake up and run before school tomorrow. Yesterday i didn't sleep very well, woke up many times and had a crazy nightmare where i woke up scared looking couragously out the dark room. Some girl wanted to kill me as far as i remember, because i didn't want to have sex with her or something like that. Don't remember clearly but it was scary. 

 

Managed this day very well siting here now i must say. Shoulder-clap. Will appreciate a lot not being as tired tomorrow though.

[WhiteOwl]

How do i feel? I feel overwhelment. Studying and going to class feels unsatisfying for me right now. What i get out of sitting in a class room is usually very little. I am more interested in the people around me or the teacher's way of being/acting than the words coming out. Also during a semester, even though we only have half semesters on my education, i always feel stressed and unsure how i am doing This feeling of uncertainty and stress is very overwhelming. Not very enjoyable so far. 

 

I feel a lot of worry. I want to do a good job, but i also want to do a good job in other aspects of my life. Maybe this is is all blabla and its better to just talk about what i appreciate.

 

Learning something only for the sake of an exam just doesn't appeal very much. 

 

I feel disappointment in school. I expect things to be easy and flowing but thats not the experience so far. feeling disappointment. 

 

Went to work on a music project and just had an epic time for 1.5 hours in between writing this. 

 

Going for a walk in the rain

[WhiteOwl]

I want some change. I want to feel happiness basically. Its like everything has to be a certain way for me to feel relaxed, enjoyment, fun. Everything has to be perfect. What is the idea of perfect right now?

 

Waking up early, working out, meditating, working effectively on school stuff. Being organized and effective in school in general. Working towards music goals slowly but steadily with confidence and optimism. Having time to see my friends and family, and her. Having time to relax also. Not spending time on the phone. 

 

Not living that ideal makes me feel discouragement, anger, blame, unworthiness, overwhelment. And something usually doesn't go exactly as planned. 

 

Does it seem possible reading it like this? I think so.. Whats in the way? 

 

Thoughts, emotions, "me". 

 

I also want to feel more well-being and appreciation being around people. There is something with my attitude or stance thats going in the wrong direction. 

 

Having dinner with my family yesterday. I can see i really want attention and admiration. I want to talk about my life, i am focusing on if i'm getting questions so i can talk about myself. Its not really relaxed and i feel frustration and disappointment in the process. Its also not that they never ask. Just that i am at a wrong place to enjoy.

Being that self-centered around kids also never works as conversations never go as planned or gets interrupted. 

 

Had a conversation with my sister and mother about some society/politics stuff where i think especially my mother is saying things stupid things. The interpretation is that i know best and they don't really know what they are talking about. Also feeling those interpretations and they feel like blame, anger.

 

This is not it, this is not how i want to feel in that situation sharing a moment with my family. 

 

This self-centeredness ruins it all. 

[WhiteOwl]

Its believed there is some thing there to get rid off, some bundle of beliefs, and then i'll be more free and tap into who i want to be. First of, thats a belief i guess. But it also seems kinda true? 🤷‍♂️

 

"Tapping into who i want to be" though. Thats relative to "others" of course. 

 

That its even possible to become anything or anyone seems to be one thing..

[WhiteOwl]

Day went by with looking for better feeling, or just feeling hoping it would transform in the process. There is the experience of waiting, of looking. Interpretation is that once i've felt fully whats in the way of happiness and love, i will feel the happiness and love that i am. A lot of emotion in my buttocks/thighs area. Trying to breath deeply and relax throughout the day. 

Who is experiencing this? Some fucking loop. I don't feel happiness and love so i'm not able to share that with others. 

 

Thoughts "Im so tired of this". "Can i get a fucking break"

 

This text is not me. Im aware of hands writing this and looking at the text. But none if it is me. 

 

Who is so desperately searching? 

 

I am just watching a movie... 

 

What is healing? 

[WhiteOwl]

Lets scale it. I feel jealousy that my friend has gotten a gig for a really interesting place. I also feel jealousy watching my other friend performing and being involved around a lot of people. I feel anger and hatred towards myself and others. I feel anger and hatred towards judgements and feeling misaligned. I feel anger and hatred towards my mother, how unaware she has been. Or thats how the interpretation feels. Thoughts of revenge and tell her off makes me feel anger and revenge. I feel anger when i am not feeling great. Believing i should do or know better makes me feel anger. 

I feel discouragement. Just all of this together makes me feel discouragement. 

 

Judgements about others or my own way of being makes me feel blame. Beliving i know what myself and others are like makes me feel blame. Knowing what others or myself is like really does feel like blame.

 

I feel worry not having enough money. Needing to get money. Thoughts about money generally makes me feel worry. Thoughts about my school and music makes me feel worry as well. 

 

I feel doubt questioning if i am ready or good enough for certain things. Thoughts questioning her makes me feel doubt as well.

 

I feel disappointment when i expect outcomes that doesn't happen. I feel disappointment when i plan to get things done and it doesn't go as planned. I feel the emotion often when i want to feel a certain way but feel different. Wanting approval or admiration from others i feel disappointment. 

 

Self-referential thoughts that i am pathetic, weak, laugh-able. Wrong. Wanna-be. Unworthy.

 

I feel overwhelment. 

 

I feel frustration and impatience. So many things i want to do that i feel stressed and don't really get a hold on anything. Or so it seems. Thoughts and interpretations like that make me feel impatience. 

 

Thoughts of urgency makes me feel impatience.

 

Thoughts about how i don't feel so good makes me feel pessimism. 

 

I do really feel boredom. 

 

I feel contentment. 

 

I feel hopefulness for the foraging trips to the forest this week. I feel hopefulness selling some things. I feel hopefulness finding a good spot for liberty caps. I feel hopefulness gaining momentum. 

 

I feel optimistic i can become good at recognizing mushrooms. I feel optimistic people will like my new music. I feel optimistic the courses are going well. 

 

I feel eagerness to find and learn more about mushrooms. And likewise with music. Those are the focus points right now.

 

I feel eagerness to decorate my home. 

 

I feel love for my family. They are all such wonderful creations. My sister. So hilarious. And my nephews. Not to mention my dad. What a pleasure spending the weekend with them. I feel gratitude and appreciation for knowing them. (Knowing, the red flag word). I feel gratitude and appreciation. 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

Thoughts are making me feel doubt about the relationship. Thoughts.. what a trip. Its been quite great and aligned so far, yet thoughts like to portray thoughts that feels like doubt and pessimism, blame. 

 

Thoughts of fantasizing and fortune telling makes me feel worry. 

 

Thoughts of time that "i need" to to do this and that makes me feel frustration, irritation. 

 

Feeling that also makes me feel pessimism. Thoughts subtly with negative angles on what comes up. Always some slight flaw with things or things could be better. I see and feel you pessimism. Alright, come in.

 

Its like i also feel some pride/arrogance/"Haha i got it rolling now" when i feel contentment and just well-being. 

 

Is the contentment or well-being i feel caused by a "me"? A person? 

 

Seems like beliefs are at play "Feeling good gives worth. Feeling good comes from a person"

 

Lets head out into the world

[WhiteOwl]

All this becoming makes Jack a dull boy. I want to change the meaning of success into; 'How much am i enjoying each moment to moment'. Fuck getting rich, fuck getting admiration in any endeavors, fuck wanting to appear in any way, fuck being perfect. 

 

Creation is now, now, now. Not a stable thing. Small steady steps now. I do feel actually feel quite good last weeks. Nothing to worry about. Lets be done with judgements and feeling blame. No drugs for a month and only been drunk once if i remember right. Thats really great. Starting to reap the momentum of that. Things are slowly working out, actually. 

 

I really like when i connect with people and we share a good time. Thats something i really appreciate. I've also really been enjoying my forest trips recently, and looking forward to look at the mushrooms in lab tomorrow. I feel hopefulness being more gentle with myself. I appreciate my hair and my body. Its a fucking great body tbh. I appreciate having met L. She is a fresh spark, and we have some things in common that i haven't tried with a girl before. We have the same Rising sign AND the same Ascendant. Thats a little funny? Not knowing too much about it.

 

Music session with my friends today was great. He is super talented and has great ears. Always leave with some really useful tips and adjustments for my projects. I appreciate him and really love when we have a good time. 

[WhiteOwl]

Why am I expecting this moment to be something different than what it appears to be. Just sitting in my apartment, believing or hoping it turns into something else than just sitting in my apartment. 

 

Thoughts that i need to do a lot of things feels like frustration and impatience.

 

Yesterday was a really eventful day with the woman i'm dating. That and what comes now i'm just making up. Like my course in Evolutionary Ecology, where thoughts are constantly complaining that whats being talked about are just assumptions and guesses. There is phenomena, reality, something, and then w try to fit it into limited words and ways of looking at it, believing its true. We were going to drive up north to a forest far away from the city to find mushrooms. I as usually didn't sleep so well together, and was tired in the morning. Breakfast and shopping/preparing for lunch took a long time as she is quite the perfectionist and likes to make things nice. We ended up starting the trip very late, which felt a bit frustrating. I had to drive, which i do very rarely, and i was feeling tense about it. After about an hour driving, the tire punctures going quite fast. I had no idea what the fuck was going on and i thought it was something with the gears and panicked around while slowing down and pulling to the side. Emergency calls back and forth, and a guy came after about 2 hours of waiting. Luckily the wheel was fine and it was just the tire being old and he was able to replace it with the one in the trunk. One good thing that happened while waiting was that we found some liberty caps which i have written on my Dreamboard. Seemed like a nice place for more and probably a good place to visit after some more rain. 

We then started heading to the forest again with max 3 hours til it got dark, while being there in 30 minutes. 

At this point and throughout the day i was not feeling in tune with myself. Thoughts was nagging about how she was being, and i was feeling the guidance of blame. I was not flowing and thoughts projected a lot of things onto her (like i've tried many times before). Its like the interpretation of her way of behaving/being, thinking she is  feeling some insecurity and worry, makes me feel insecurity and unworthiness and discouragement. 

These feelings / corrensponding emotions had some momentum throughout the day, unfortunately.

In the forest we were not finding as many mushrooms as hoped, and i was feeling some disappointment. In the end we did have a nice bunch though, and best of all, i feel very confident in recognizing many species which i am very happy about. I was afraid we just sucked at finding them, but luckily enough we a guy preparing for a fungus festival during the weekend, and he said that no-one was finding a lot of mushrooms right now and that it sucked for the collection they were hoping to show during the festival. We actually ended up donating some not so good tasting once for the festival. Ego felt a lot better after though knowing it wasn't just us.

 

The drive home was a bit scary on very dark roads for a long time. Good practice though so i appreciate it. I was having "Driving" on my dreamboard so i sure did get that. Then veery late dinner eating what we found, which was nice but i was still not flowing and creating some disconnection from her. 

 

Looking back it was a very interesting and learning rich day, and i want to see what interpretations created the emotions i experienced.

 

I'm a bit afraid it has moved a bit too fast with her, and i feel doubt its the right thing for me. She seems to be feeling insecurity and worry a lot, which triggers the me. She is also very focused on material things, and very much lives in the classical confused world of concepts that i am trying to wiggle myself out of. That can be funny, but some of the things she says i don't resonate with and it makes me feel discouragement or blame. 

 

What she, or others think, say or feel can influence/decide how i feel/think. Been looking at that before. 

 

Funny how the interpretations seems different but are actually quite the same throughout last partners. 

 

"Their way of behaving doesn't match or isn't right" "They make me feel insecurity and blame and unworthiness. "They feel insecurity and i don't want to have them with me". "She doesn't understand me or see me". "The things they say are a bit stupid and not clever". 

 

I feel cringe/insecurity, and wow, jealousy, when someone expresses themselves a lot or tries to make a joke. Surely something i'm denying myself. I want to laugh more and connect.

 

The grip of som of the identifications seems to be less intense and there is some new feeling behind it. All this doesn't actually bother me that much, its more just seen as coming and going, not really real. I still want a nice joyous, unrestricted time with her or anyone though. 

 

Can all this bullshit end