I shouldn't give up

[Tarak]

DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T COPE WITH THE WORLD

Sometimes I just can't anymore. I know that how I see the world is a reflection of what happens inside of me, but whatever I try, I can only see a world getting darker and darker. I see a world were most people are manipulated by global propaganda, where elections are fixed and secret agenda's are being pushed and slowly manipulate humanity into a worldwide totalitarian system.

 

I know that this is part of human evolution, that we need this dark period to learn very important lessons and that in the end love will prevail. At the same time I realize this takes time, way too much time relative to a human life and that both me and the ones I love will need to suffer decades more until the real shift begins, probably only after everyone I love has died. Sometimes I just want to give up, blow my brains out and take a long rest at the other side until it's clearing up at this side.

 

I know I have things to learn from all this, but I feel one life can only take so much. I have periods of great strength and trust, but then it all evaporates and an extreme depression takes over. Sometimes I wish I never started my spiritual path, that I stayed the junk that didn't care about anyone or anything, that I had never searched for what happens behind the curtains. Sometimes I wish I was never born at all.

[ivankiss]

Feel you bro. It's not easy.

 

I never really had suicidal tendencies, but I understand how one could end up there. My biggest fear is dying before I do what I really wanna do. Not living fully before my time runs out. If it wasn't for this great love I have for music and this dream I had since I was a kid, I can see how I could lose all will to continue in this messed up world. It is this sense of a mission, a purpose, that's keeping me from giving up.

 

What are you most passionate about?

 

There are times when looking at the world like it's all just a reflection of you can do more harm than good. At least that's what I found. There are times when all this knowledge about spirituality and stuff can end up being your prison, instead of liberate you. In times like that, what's far more healthy and even more spiritually advanced, is to say 'fuck this shit' and ask your heart to show you the way.

 

Sorry if I'm rambling, or projecting my shit here. Just felt like sharing this.

[Tarak]

Thank you for your input.

My passion is also music. I just played on my keyboard, singing (sounds more like screaming today) for an hour and will continue to do so after lunch. It's the only thing that helps me getting somewhat grounded, when I'm losing myself.

Until I was in my mid 20s, I thought I could make a career by making music, not to become rich or famous, just to share my music with others and be able to make enough money to survive. I tried, played in some bands, with one we played on stage almost every week and had quite a bit of local success, but my lack of social skills put an end to that. I started using more and more drugs, mostly because I had nobody to talk to, nobody I could connect with, until I met the woman of my life.

 

I kinda let go of my dreams when my girlfriend was pregnant of my son. All the things I learned unconsciously from my father (a man who is very afraid) started kicking in and took away my enthusiasm and my worries started growing. I started working a lot, going for big money, because I felt responsible for my girl and kid, and although I can see all this from a distance now, I never was able to get back to my happy, innocent being I once was.

 

Not blaming the world and realizing it's all created inside me surely doesn't make it easier. I know it's all worth it and I must trust that love is all there is. But on days like this, it's friggin hard to keep believing, to not just give up and leave it all behind.

[ivankiss]

@Tarak Wow... So many similarities here haha! Minus having a kid. I think that plays a huge role. It's an enormous commitment and comes with tons of responsibilities. I think it's super awesome that you kept that spark within and still play music. Many give up completely.

 

Experimented with quite a few drugs, but never really got hooked to anything. Except weed. Used to smoke quite a lot and isolate from the world. Stopped a few months ago - it didn't feel right anymore. 

 

I too thought at one point that I'd be able to live from making music, but quickly realized it wasn't going to work out. I could not create authentic and quality art under the pressure of having to pay the bills at the end of the month. So I tried to establish another source for money to flow in. One that would allow me to move around and have the freedom to live as I wanted. That led me to trading. Been juggling all that stuff for a few years now... Not quite there yet, but I'm not giving up.

 

It's super cool to connect with you here. Hopefully one day we meet in person too.

 

Don't really have any advice or suggestions, sorry. I'm sure you know everything you need to know in your heart. Just keep going. The world needs you. 

[Tarak]

Yeah. We resonate with each other and I am very thankful for that. It does me good knowing that somebody understands me, even if you are more than a 1000 km away. Thank you so much to interact with me, it's exactly what I need right now.

 

I was able to quit all hard drugs quite easily once I met my (now ex-) wife, realized I only used it because I was lonely. I also lowered my weed abuse from 3 g of high THC weed a day to about 1 g of self grown, very low THC weed a day. I don't even get high from it, just makes me more able to put everything in perspective. I'm currently having a break (I'm about 2 weeks in), mostly because my plants won't be ready for another 5-6 weeks, and although the physical redrawal is over and wasn't very hard to cope with, now that my brains have no distraction I feel like I'm all over the place.

 

Currently I'm in a financially safe spot. Since my autism assessment, I'm officially 66% handicapped and get some money from the state, which I supplement with some odd work here and there. I don't want to stay dependent on the state, though, so I'd like to change my situation in the not so far future.

 

I talked with my ex this morning. She is still my best (only) real life friend. She said if I need to disappear for a while (travelling around for a bit), she can take care full time of the kid for a while, but I strongly feel my place is here with my kid.

 

I'm quite empathic, have always been the guy that people came to to express their problems and I was always able to say the right things to help them, but I seem to be unable to help myself and that is quite frustrating. I'd love to make my living from giving therapy, but feel I should not do that while I still have so many things to fix about myself.

 

Writing all this and reading your reaction helps me putting some distance in between my depressed thoughts. I know in a few days I'll be better again and be able to be the one that helps instead of the one that needs help. It's funny how yesterday (or the day before?) we did the same thing the other way round 🙂

 

 

[ivankiss]

@Tarak Yeah, it's beautiful. It means a lot to me too, especially in these times of solitude and uncertainty. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who's going through shit haha.

 

1g a day is pretty good if you ask me. Back when I was working and was more active, I used to smoke at the end of the day, and I got into a pretty nice groove. Even 0.5g was enough sometimes. But now, before I quit, I was smoking 5g every two or three days and I wasn't feeling good. Mainly because I was already kinda stuck and was overthinking stuff, and weed only made my thoughts louder and I was even more anxious and disconnected. So yeah, I quit mainly to regain some clarity and vitality, but also financially I could not manage smoking that much. I love the plant and what it can bring, and I'm probably not saying goodbye forever, but right now it's not smart for me to smoke. It would be super cool to grow my own one day, as you do.

 

CBD is also great, sometimes I liked it even more, because my head was clear, but it did relax me. Maybe I have some sort of a chemical imbalance in my brain, or it's all because of an inflated nervous system, but I was definitely using cannabis as a form of medicine. I liked getting 'high' too, making awesome music and sex was also so good on it, but I'd say I was smoking mainly to feel 'normal' and at ease. I feel like I'm too tense and on edge without it. I am kinda missing it, it was like a good friend that I could come home to every day, but I know I'm making the right choice for now. Withdrawals were pretty hardcore for me.

 

Being some sort of a therapist crossed my mind too. I love talking to people about 'issues'. I love opening up and I also love it when they open up to me. But I doubt I'd be able to make a profession out of it. At least not for a while. Right now I just really want to get out of the field of tourism. Cannot do it anymore. I'd love to work something with my hands. Preferably with wood.

 

It's great that you remained friends with your ex wife and that she's so understanding. I cannot say that about my most recent girlfriend, which I believed was the love of my life at the time. Cannot imagine having a kid with her, it would have been hell. It was very much of a Johnny Depp/Amber Heard type of relationship haha! Grateful I survived it.

 

In conclusion, it's not easy to be someone who's highly attuned and sensitive these days. Or an empath - if you will. It's important to find strength within, have strong boundaries, stay grounded and have purpose.

 

Wish you all the best brother.

[Faith]

17 hours ago, Tarak said:

Sometimes I wish I was never born at all.

 

So, of course you may get answers addressing this from the ego perspective and I could do that as well, but I think some discrimination may need to be had right about now, to relieve the samsara pressure.  

 

So, to the statement above, the truth as I see it is that, actually, you never were born and you won't die and all this will come and go, endlessly. Death of the body/mind is just a change in name and form, to you, awareness, it isn't a solution. 

 

Life is but a zero sum game. You win some and you lose some. Some days we are happy, other days we are sad, sometime we are positive and other times we are negative. That's life for the apparent person in this apparent duality. There is no escaping that, except to realize you, awareness, aren't really in it. It only "appears" that way. 

 

The more belief you have in the dream and what you see before you, the harder life seems to be, imo. True suffering also comes not from pain of the world, but from believing you are a limited, separate entity that was born and will die. 

 

Now, with that being said, I do hope you feel better soon. I sympathize with your current situation. 

 

💙

 

 

[Faith]

In rough times remember:

[Tarak]

@ivankissI love you brother!

 

1 hour ago, Faith said:

 

So, of course you may get answers addressing this from the ego perspective and I could do that as well, but I think some discrimination may need to be had right about now, to relieve the samsara pressure.  

 

So, to the statement above, the truth as I see it is that, actually, you never were born and you won't die and all this will come and go, endlessly. Death of the body/mind is just a change in name and form, to you, awareness, it isn't a solution. 

 

Life is but a zero sum game. You win some and you lose some. Some days we are happy, other days we are sad, sometime we are positive and other times we are negative. That's life for the apparent person in this apparent duality. There is no escaping that, except to realize you, awareness, aren't really in it. It only "appears" that way. 

 

The more belief you have in the dream and what you see before you, the harder life seems to be, imo. True suffering also comes not from pain of the world, but from believing you are a limited, separate entity that was born and will die. 

 

Now, with that being said, I do hope you feel better soon. I sympathize with your current situation. 

 

💙

 

 

 

Maybe I should rephrase my "wish to have never been born" to "wish I didn't enter this plane". I have been battling depression since I was very young. I remember telling my parents I wanted to be death around my 7th birthday, when I realized the world was fucked. Back then I already saw the deception that was happening and if I dared to say anything about it, my father made sure to whack my "weird thoughts" out of me. Walking my spiritual path changed a lot, but that doesn't mean I like this plane/experience.

 

Most of my current sadness is because I don't want my kid to grow up in a society where he is nothing more than an slave. You can say it's all a dream, but in the last year, I saw people dying left and right around me, days after getting a covid shot, and one of the most loving people I ever met, was fined 100k and got 5 years probation for trying to inform people about GMO's (he was sentenced as a gang leader, the only thing he did was pulling out 5 GMO potatoes from a field). Let's not speak about the cops that molested me when I refused to wear a mask in the open and the judge that refused to listen to my testimony "because cops would never hit you for that". This plane is a shithole. It's not a dream, it's a nightmare. I start to think that the most loving thing I can do is kill my kid and myself. Everything seems better than staying here. Heck, if I was in charge of enough nukes to let the Earth explode, I wouldn't hesitate one second to push all the buttons.

 

I know I chose to incarnate here, I even know I did it to help building a better world, but the world I wanted to help make better has never been so awful. Seems like I did a great job so far (yes, I'm ironic). I know that in a few days I'll be OK again, that I will cling on the thought that everything will be OK in the end.

 

Sorry for the extreme venting that's all over the place. I couldn't sleep, even after a long meditation and my brain is going cuckoo.

[Tarak]

@FaithIn my extreme venting, I forgot to thank you for your input. I really appreciate it, even if it probably doesn't seem like I do.

[Tarak]

I was just able to sleep a few hours. Killed myself a couple of dozen times in my dreams, felt great. Waking up didn't. But I see a bit more clear now, can accept that life is suffering.

I feel responsible for my kid, but at the same time I never wanted kids. The only reason she got pregnant is because she wanted one, and the only reason I stayed with her is because I didn't want to lose her. I love him with all my heart, but I might just leave him behind with her and leave for a remote place somewhere deep in a forest to live out my life there... probably to get eaten by a bear, a much preferable ending than rage killing a cop at the next unfair treatment they give me.

[Faith]

Hi,

Just a quick reply. I know this is a journal, so I don't want to keep intruding, but just wanted to offer one more perspective. 

 

Vedanta says that the world, which is called maya, is NOT set up to to make you happy and fulfil all your wants/desires. Its actually set up to frustrate the hell out of you and break you, until you wake up to your, true nature, awareness.

 

Those that don't suffer in some way often aren't motivated to do the work to wake-up. 

 

Peace ✌️ 

 

[Tarak]

30 minutes ago, Faith said:

Hi,

Just a quick reply. I know this is a journal, so I don't want to keep intruding, but just wanted to offer one more perspective. 

 

Vedanta says that the world, which is called maya, is NOT set up to to make you happy and fulfil all your wants/desires. Its actually set up to frustrate the hell out of you and break you, until you wake up to your, true nature, awareness.

 

Those that don't suffer in some way often aren't motivated to do the work to wake-up. 

 

Peace ✌️ 

 

You are not intruding, I'm really thankful for any perspective.

 

Yeah, the world is clearly succeeding in doing just that. It's hard that every lesson is always harder than the previous one, and I strongly feel there is a limit to what I can take (although I have gone over that limit multiple times these last years). When I started walking the path conciously, I was told it would get easier and easier. Now I know that was a blatant lie. It's just not very motivating to continue. I just want to put everything on hold until I'm strong enough to continue, but I lost the pause button 🙂

 

That said: I'm a bit more chill than the last 24 hours, guess I'm starting to accept what is. I wonder how long before I go into crisis mode again.

 

Thanks again for helping remembering me 🙏

[Faith]

1 hour ago, Tarak said:

Thanks again for helping remembering me 🙏

Yes, Nameste 🙏

 

I do think that regardless the degree of Self-realization, we do have to be mindful of Maslows hierarchy of needs.

 

So, if someone is being physically tortured or their house is on fire it may not be the best time to remind them they are awareness/consciousness. 

 

So, it's appropriate to speak from both perspectives, the jiva and Brahman depending what's happening. 

 

I just thought I'd throw alittle Brahman at you. 😉

 

 

[Tarak]

I'm OK now. Every few months I go into such a crisis like I just went through, and everytime I get out of it, I'm sure it was the last time 😁. I seem to forget all I learned and go back to my immature self from a couple of years ago. It's kinda crazy if I look back at the last days now. I was so ready to step out of this life. I wonder how and why this happens. Exactly nothing changed on the outside. Thank you for the kind words of remembrance I received from you all!

[Phil]

@Tarak

If you fully inspect every belief here, every statement which starts with ‘I know’, you will transcend suffering. 
No more up & down / crisis. 

You will then be able to help others, such as your kids, to do the same. 

[Joseph Maynor]

Striving to improve gives me strength and hope.  When I feel down, the first thing I do is try to find a way to improve how I care for myself or others.  I support people who have it worse than I do as a life coach, which wears me down as well.  Sometimes it's fine to take a mental health day for yourself.  Hearing people's mental narratives all the time adds a lot of stress to me because I'm dealing with my own sh*t too.  I try to view life as an adventure backed up by care and me trying to make things better a step at a time even if I don't.  It's frustrating when I give myself or others advice and nothing changes.  But that's where hope comes in.  But there's a pressure release I need to or else I'm just reacting exhausted all the time -- and this is when I get triggered.  So, one thing I've learned is to avoid communicating in complex situations when I feel exhausted or cranky.
 

 

Edited April 29, 2022 by Joseph Maynor

[Faith]

8 hours ago, Tarak said:

I'm OK now

Good 😊

 

8 hours ago, Tarak said:

I seem to forget all I learned and go back to my immature self from a couple of years ago. It's kinda crazy if I look back at the last days now. I was so ready to step out of this life. I wonder how and why this happens.

 

I would suppose that something triggered you to have "complete identification" with conditioned thought patterns or with a current "problem", maybe even revisiting "past" memories of times that trigger negative emotions. 

 

If it happens in a 2 month cycles you may want to investigate a bit deeper as to what sets it off. If you even would be conscious enough to do that next time. The thing about Maya is it conceals and projects, so when one is completely identified with the mind, maya can render us completely unconscious of our true nature. 

 

As a practice, regardless of what arises, try to stay at least a little present. If it doesn't work at first, that's OK, just embrace when you are.. back. 

 

For example, tonight I went to my email and saw PayPal took out a charge for $45 from a place I know I cancelled my membership. As I was emailing the company, cancelling the supposed auto pay and trying to figure out on PayPal how to get my money back there was a point that I knew if I kept at it I was going to get to the point of no return . Lol. So, I said, it's fine. I've done what there is to do and if I don't get the money back it's okay. I'm done with it and its fine.  That instantly brought peace back in.