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Posted

Lately I find myself sitting silently for hours at a time drinking coffee every couple hours at work. My coworkers even asked me multiple times if im okay and im like oh no im more than okay im great! 

 

I used to gossip more and have small talk but lately it's just fading away, I prefer talking about the things that truly matter to people and bring transformation. For example yesterday one of my friends at work was trying to small talk with me and I gave some responses but was just basking in being the whole time. 

 

Then suddenly a couple hours later its like the mask came off and he brought up what actually mattered to him, not current events or whats happening in culture, etc. But actually important stuff to him, like sharing with me that he's been in a long term relationship and is having doubts / wants to know what to do next. This lit something up within me because it's like yes this is a conversation that will leave him "better" afterwards. 

 

Ive had people sit next to me on the bench at work and start opening up spontaneously, it's like the silence brings out the most in people. 


My theory is that small talk and gossip in general is a means to avoid purification / feeling. When you dont comply to that form of communication then the communication can become more authentic.

 

Then again, small talk is definitely enjoyable, I also engaged in this at the later point in the day. I got the cake and I eat it too. 

 

I find that I like being alone to feel all the emotions running through the body. Was sitting silently for hours just feeling. Waves of loneliness came up, frustration came up, etc. Saw the crucial difference between conceptualizing emotion or discord, and ACTUALLY seeing what is going on. 

"Too many steps have been taken returning to the root and the source. Better to have been blind and deaf from the beginning! Dwelling in one's true abode, unconcerned with and without - The river flows tranquilly on and the flowers are red."

9th Ox Herding Picture

Posted

Everything is transmission. Beautiful post. 

So basically I'm an autistic INFJ BPD sigma Pisces female with anger and CPTSD issues. Wow wow. 

My plate looks full. I Couldn't have been weirder than that. Now I get why I'm so idiosyncratic. 

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