I'm leaving the website (again)

[Agape]

I realise my presence here invites unsavoury characters. It helped me to write here. But, I don't want to drag the forum down. Thanks @Phil and @Mandy. 

[Mandy]

I'm not sure what you mean by unsavory characters and dragging the forum down. 

[Phil]

On 4/27/2024 at 4:27 PM, Agape said:

I realise my presence here invites

That’s a belief. There is no negative / second Source of attraction.

 

On 4/27/2024 at 4:27 PM, Agape said:

unsavoury characters.

The discord of the belief is felt, emotional guidance is refused, and the discord is projected as judgment. 

There are no unsavory characters, only the belief / judgment that there is. 

Acknowledging the intrinsic guidance (emotions) dispelled & liberates this. 

 

On 4/27/2024 at 4:27 PM, Agape said:

It helped me to write here. But, I don't want to drag the forum down. Thanks @Phil and @Mandy. 

It’s within you to lift the forum up. 

[Agape]

@Phil, I think we live in different worlds. It sounds like you were in the one I am in. And I've never been to where you are at. But from the perspective of where I am, I'm glad how you never reject me. In this dualistic place, it's meaningful for me. 

 

I tried to stay away. But I can't hack it. I started writing two suicide notes this afternoon but stopped and put them in the trash. You've written about your past and it sounds very difficult. 

 

I feel bad for you because you have a way and I don't get it. I try to understand. But then I just write what I feel is happening to me. 

 

Today is another day where I didn't end it. It's not a thrilling statement. But for my parents, that's worth more than their own lives to them. I project that I can't make friends or meet a partner, not get a job again or live in privacy. For many years I convinced myself that it will stop one day but that no longer is a belief I really hold. I isolate to avoid the stress. 

 

The hardest realisation is that I am not strong. I am not tough. But my whole life has had this feeling. I did my absolute best to unpick whatever it is that drives the self-hatred. 

 

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I feel so frightened all the time. I'm really scared. I wasn't raised in Sparta. I couldn't have made it there anyways. But I'm not built for all this. I never was. I've been frightened all my life. Scared of other people. And I'm really angry. I'm so pissed off with getting and being bullied. I've taken so much mocking and derision my whole life. I'm just a little fawning C-PTSD kid in a 35 year old body. But I'm still that little kid watching, analysing, judging, avoiding the eggshells. My sister terrified me. And my brother scared me. They were hostile, quick to anger and giving insults, especially for things they knew really mattered to me. I'm so angry. I didn't know any better. I was a little kid with two bigger siblings. They humiliated me and neglected me. And then they would act so fake and super friendly and bubbly with our cousins or their friends. I sit with the feelings. I've been doing it every day since last November. But I still feel this pain. I couldn't defend myself and no one defended me. In a lot of ways, I raised myself. I tried to figure them out and then tried to use that map as a way to understand other people. But other people aren't like that. 

 

There is discursive thought and concise thoughts or there is continuous thought and discrete thought. That continual ticket tape in my mind, that is running the show, fucking hates itself. And I have to feel the burn of it judging what it does. It's crazy. I feel overwhelmed because I can see what it is doing and it doesn't care. Everything that it gets this body to do, it judges. And I feel humiliated by it. 

 

My brother used to humiliate me. So did my sister. I know my Mom and Dad were not easy. I love my parents. But they just say shaming stuff. It gets me like a jolt in my stomach of shame. I just sit with the emotions and try to be respectful and understanding and just enjoy their company. I do enjoy being around them. But they have ninja like abilities to get me right there and then I do mindfulness. I really feel for them. Me and my siblings are traumatised. I think all five of us are. 

 

I'm looking through the emotional guidance scale. It scares me. I'm scared to feel happy. If I'm happy then I fear I will get attacked. So my mind attacks itself to hurt me. It's a certain fate. 

 

The difference between between Barbados and the UK is, obviously, size. The big difference is in Barbados, it's much more difficult to hide. Even being unemployed in the UK. I could save up some money and I could move to Scotland, Wales, the North of England, London, Cornwall, wherever I want and just start over. Well, I can't just do that for certain reasons, but it's doable. Back home, it's a lot more important that you achieve. Not become mega wealthy. But have a respectable job like a lawyer or a doctor and have a family and be a part of the community. I have failed spectacularly at that. I feel humiliation. I feel like I can't go home and show my face. Having mental health problems in Barbados is, I wouldn't say taboo, but it's considered more 'out there' than it is here. The UK is, despite my criticisms, very compassionate and open. Not to say that Barbados is not. It's just different. I haven't achieved anything. I haven't got a profession nor a family of my own. I can't work. And I can't even make friends or meet a partner. So, I feel overwhelmed and frightened. I really considered ending it all today. I have a pretty sharp kitchen knife. And I really figured today would be the day. But then my Mom and Dad, or thinking about them, stopped me. If there is one thing I can do with my life, is just keep going, for them. It's the most meaningful thing I have done with my life. As low of a bar as that is. 

 

I'm so hard on myself. I really struggle with seeing myself. I think I am doing alright. I even think I'm being funny. But I think it's more shocking and alarming than funny. I realise that I say and write so many things that I haven't any idea if they are true or not. I just utter them. But I really don't know. 

 

I like to wander into a conclusion. But I is not got one. 

 

 

[Phil]

If you are experiencing suicidal ideation and or thoughts about harming yourself or anyone else in any way, immediately discontinue use of this site and contact a suicide prevention specialist via googling ‘international suicide prevention hotline’, and speak with your doctor and a therapist. 

 

*Immediately does not mean after you type, converse or express whether in a journal or otherwise, about ideation. Immediately means prior to these activities. Immediately means immediately as in right now. Do not wait, do not think it over, do not schedule time - immediately stop using this forum and contact a hotline. 

 

16 hours ago, Agape said:

I think we live in different worlds

The difference is only in acknowledging interpretations and how they feel to you (emotions).