My imaginary husband

[Reena]

I constantly feel the need of a man in my life. Someone who will fulfill me and vice versa. Now I'm approaching 30s. I had dreamed of having a husband when I was barely 16. I used to dream of a happy marriage, a white picket fence and drinking tea together and spending our evenings in merry and laughter. He would be my lover, my friend, my guide and confidante. 

 

[Reena]

How I wish one day I wouldn't die alone. I would want someone by my side.

Where do I begin - 

 

[Reena]

You are the absolute best my husband. I can spend my entire day waiting for you to come to me to have a cup of coffee with me. Me and you in our simple idyllic little world. Spill some coffee on me, I dare you. 

 

[Reena]

I want to cook for you. Yes I'm not joking. It sounds cliche I know. But I want to do everything that a trad wife does. I imagine a Scorpio husband. I have heard that Scorpios are very faithful and make loyal companions. Hopefully. Maybe you will love me. Maybe you will want me for who I am. 

If I had to be a wife, I would resemble someone from the 1950s. The average housewife who doesn't mind cleaning and cooking. I know attitudes have changed now and it would be considered sexist to tell a woman to cook. But heya, I'm old school anyway. 

[Reena]

His name should be Milton. 

 

[Reena]

Milton, I want to share the rest of my life with you. I want to be hopelessly in love with you. We are eternal lovers and partners. We love each other. 

 

What would I want my imaginary husband to do for me? 

I want him to sing for me. 

 

 

[Reena]

I don't feel pessimism lol. Maybe I'm abnormal. I feel abnormally optimistic about everything..

 

I feel like I should have a husband. All I needed was freedom that you get in western countries. My life in a conservative culture sucks. Everything is controlled by family.

A husband would have set me free.

 

 

Edited April 19 by Reena

[Reena]

Man I'm really imagining Jay Scott that infj youtuber as my husband. So funny. I know. I like his politeness. I'm always attracted to dudes like that. Hair color should never be a problem. But I'm invariably always attracted to blonde haired men versus black haired although my own hair color is black. I guess we're always attracted to something that is different from how we appear. I have seen dark haired men have a fixation for blonde girls and light haired men or blonde haired men prefer brunettes. Something about hair color, it definitely plays a role. I find black hair familiar and less threatening. Strange. I don't know why that happens. I don't find blonde hair threatening but my mind sees "blonde hair" as "different." And sexy. We as a species are designed to interbreed. So someone with blonde hair will find someone with black hair sexier simply because they are different or unfamiliar. Someone with black hair or dark hair will find someone with blonde hair sexier in a similar way. I understand that now. It's the biological difference that activates sexual attraction and the need to compensate for physical/racial/biological/mental differences. 

 

My first two exes were Indian with dark hair. My third ex was an American with dark hair. My fourth was a German with partially dark hair and blue eyes and I wasn't fully attracted to him. My fifth was an American with blonde hair. And out of all of my exes😅, I was most drawn to the fifth blonde haired guy. Weird right. He was starkly different from me physically and mentally. This might have played a role in my sexual attraction to him. 

None of his features matched mine. His skin color is white. Mine is Asian brown. His hair color is blonde and mine is black. His eye color is blue green whereas mine is black. The only thing that resonated between us was that we both liked music. 

 

People who are dissimilar attract each other at a higher rate and the sexual attraction is stronger too. 

Culturally too we were different. He belonged to a mormon culture and I belong to a conservative hindu culture. Mine is similar to ultra orthodox Roman Catholic. Somewhat. We were dissimilar yet similar. 

 

 

[Reena]

I wonder if Benton has caused some sort of a phobia in me towards blonde people. I avoid them now. I feel safer around black haired people. This is a strange phenomenon that I'm noticing in me. I feel scared around blonde haired people. I feel they might attack me. I know this fear is irrational. I think if the infj YouTuber Jay Scott was blonde haired, I probably would have not liked him. It's unreal how physical features have an impact on our memory. I now see blonde hair as a threat. Which is not nice  and maybe time will change it. Seeing Benton mistreat me made me think that all blonde haired people will mistreat me. It's autistic brain that is easily traumatized. Maybe time will heal it and someone's hair color wouldn't matter in the future. It shouldn't matter in the first place. I still have a lot of residual respect for blonde haired people. But I've been scarred for life. It's sad and it will never be the same. One experience should not make me averse to everyone of a particular physical feature. That's generalisation, a form of stereotyping and in it's worst form, it's racism.  But what can I do? My experiences have scarred me. The brain remembers the physical features of a person who mistreats you. Unfortunately my brain has taken "blonde hair" and associated it with something negative. I'm not very proud of this yet this is my honest clarification. 

 

Edited April 19 by Reena

[Reena]

For the time being, Jay Scott is my imaginary husband lol who I'll refer to as Milton. 

 

[Reena]

Milton/Jay, I don't know what attracts me to you. Maybe it's the sweetness of your voice. It's the softness of your words. I always wanted someone like you. I like sweet sensitive sensible sentimental emotional men like you. I want to feel loved, hugged, attended to, talked to.

 

[Reena]

I hope I meet that special someone who will enrich my life in ways I have never imagined.

 

I want to experience a love that is genuine, meaningful, and transformative.

 

 

Babloo/Reena

  keep your heart open, trust the universe, and get ready for a romantic adventure.

 

 

 

[Reena]

Today I met a guy online whose name is Andrew. He asked me why I like him. I told him he is a cool guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a good 3 hour chat with Andrew after I woke up.

 

 

Edited April 22 by Reena

[Reena]

Andrew told me that he wanted to kiss me. Hmm. I don't know how to feel about it but I felt horny. 

[Reena]

And guess this guy's zodiac sign?  

 

He is a Taurus lol.. And I'm somewhat attracted to him. I can't believe this. I'm always attracted to Tauruses. Marcel was a Taurus. My second ex was a Taurus. There was this running joke in my life how I always fall for a Taurus man. And this guy is a Taurus. Haha.

They are wise and sweet and sour at the same time. 

 

 

 

Edited April 22 by Reena

[Reena]

I didn't tell him that I like him. I want to be secretive. I don't want my feelings hurt.  I am not really looking anymore even if I'm sexually attracted to a guy. I want a 100% certified bond that works and not something flimsy. I want to value something that intrinsically exists as my own, my sovereign. Something I can really give my all to. 

 

[Reena]

Maybe God's way of making me forget Benton once and for all is to bring Andrew as a substitute. And probably situate Andrew as a healer in my life. It makes perfect sense. Only someone like Andrew could have healed all the void, hurt, wound and pain that was left in the aftermath of my disastrous past relationships. I shouldn't fall in love. Falling in love is opening myself to rejection and hurt. Insurmountable emotions that are hard to recover from. Rather I would simply enjoy the bliss of human connection. 

 

[Reena]

My connection with Andrew is fine at least in the moment. Andrew is Australian. 

 

 

                                   

 

He (Andrew) also directed me on what kind of a tattoo I should get. He told me to get a tattoo on the back of my neck. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He sent me a song recording. His voice is velvet smooth. 

 

 

 

This is my first connection with an Australian. And I'm enjoying it. He is funny, fast as heck, witty and non chalant. Best part is that I can say anything i want and he doesn't cross question. I don't feel nervous around him.

 

 

Edited April 22 by Reena

[Reena]

Andrew wants me to get this tattoo. On the back of my neck. That's a good start. I'm thinking. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

A strange thing that happened today between me and Andrew is that I called him cute and he replied back with "no, you're pretty. " That struck me like a lightning bolt, for some reason, it was a deja vu moment, thank God he didn't call me Preety because it would have been weird, it was weird enough already, I want to forget that identity forever. That's not even my real name, my real name is Reena and it took years and years to feel confident in my real self.