How to deal with tiredness

[Phil]

6 hours ago, Jonas Long said:

Probably fear of being alone/defenseless.

That sounds very insightful.
 

In the vein of untangling and no longer experiencing any sleep issues, I suspect there’s an aspect of guilt to be relieved of as well as the fear aspect. I think it’s wise to note this is already ‘doing the work’, talking about it, sharing, expressing, in the sense - allow yourself to feel good, lighter, in the recognition ‘the work’ aspect of this is not yet to come or down the road… it’s already well underway now. This is it. I think noting that is paramount. 
 

Giant neanderthals seems to be representative of the view from childhood. ‘Grown ups’ being ‘giants’. 

 

Apocalyptic strikes me as symbolic of an unjust, abrupt ‘end of childhood’. Having been dealt or exposed to ‘adult sized’ matters in terms of traumatic events, all too early on in life or ‘as a child’ if you will. The more I feel into this, the more heartbreaking it is, and I am truly sorry. There is no fairness whatsoever to what you’re now having to deal with and expel. Whereas most conditioning might be analogous to innocently swallowing indigestible marbles only to be ‘barfed up’ later, this feels like a bowling ball. I suspect you were likely robbed of having a childhood at all and again it is heartbreaking. 

 

I think the chief ‘clue’ and insight here untangling wise is that Neanderthal doesn’t jive with post apocalyptic. That’s not really a conflict or discrepancy imo, it’s deeply insightful. The apocalypse seems to represent a sudden, most unfortunate & most unfair end to the innocence, unconditionality and not-knowing of childhood due to actions & behaviors you were exposed to (‘neanderthals’) which were far beyond what any child should ever be exposed to, or could ever process and make any kind of sense of. 

 

I think the secondary ‘clue’ and insight is that your mind so to speak was able to reference what was not experienced. I don’t doubt one bit what you’re saying was experienced. I think it’s indicative of the magnitude of trauma experienced, that your mind as it were was essentially able to do the impossible, as a means of some reconciling / making some kind of sense of experience or maybe more so, reducing the amount of potential internalizing. 

 

I think there’s a Full 180 to be experienced here in the same way, which is the resolve of the sleep issue. That the night terrors / visions are a mental projection of the traumatic events witnessed at an all too early age, and that sleep essentially & most innocently is getting a ‘bad wrap’ in the ‘give it to God’ sense, yet very raw, prior to any notions or intentions of ‘giving it to God’. I think that’s indicative of (most unfortunately) there not even being a strong parental or adult figure to project upon. I also think it’s exceptionally unique and therein exceptionally difficult and this is ‘the fear of being alone’. 

 

I think the resolve looks like anything and everything which allows the truth of innocence, unconditionality & not-knowing to be more and more pronounced, inevitably being absolutely all-pervading.

 

I also think clarity, though difficult and likely not without much ‘barfing’, lies in distinction between emotion & how thoughts feel, and the true nature or undeniable truth of yourself. 

 

Thoughts?

 

[Jonas Long]

@Phil a lot of what you said does resonate pretty hard, but I can't think of anything I was exposed to that would have resulted in this fear.  Maybe it was stuff below the surface though, and not having a very strong father figure.  Thinking back on it, it felt like a sense of the realness or darkness of the world invading everything about my surroundings that were meant to be keeping it out, in spite of my parents best efforts for me not to be exposed to it.  I have thought about the juxtaposition of Neanderthals in a post apocalyptic landscape, but I had the sense they were what humans became after some event due to something like radiation or mutation.  The reason it was decidedly post apocalyptic was remnants of civilization around, like a merry-go-round buried in sand that I was hiding behind often it seemed.  Mute creatures with clubs that I got the sense would absolutely murder and eat me.  There were definitely things that were kept secret from me for a long time, idk if I had some sense of that, or if there's something I don't remember happening or what, but from the outside my childhood was kind of idyllic in most ways.  

[Phil]

41 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

@Phil a lot of what you said does resonate pretty hard, but I can't think of anything I was exposed to that would have resulted in this fear. 

Fear as an emotion (not a result of anything), felt now or not felt now, would / could be indicative of any remnants of internalization / interpretation of events, guilt as well. 

 

41 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

Maybe it was stuff below the surface though, and not having a very strong father figure.  Thinking back on it, it felt like a sense of the realness or darkness of the world invading everything about my surroundings that were meant to be keeping it out, in spite of my parents best efforts for me not to be exposed to it. 

I definitely do not know, but have a hunch there’s a lot of meat left on that bone. It’s possible adaptation is involved. It might have been and maybe is still being minimized that you could and still are moving forward basically. 

 

41 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

I have thought about the juxtaposition of Neanderthals in a post apocalyptic landscape, but I had the sense they were what humans became after some event due to something like radiation or mutation. 

Might be linked to fear as a result of events. No offense parents wise, sincerely not meant that way,  but maybe they were a bit more than oblivious to the guidance. Maybe that is symbolically the ‘radiation or mutation’ you were exposed to. 

 

41 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

The reason it was decidedly post apocalyptic was remnants of civilization around, like a merry-go-round buried in sand that I was hiding behind often it seemed. 

That might be symbolic of the (most likely highly confusing) discord of defenseless-ness felt (totally not your fault) and in a primal way, attempting to hold onto childhood innocence. A merry-go-round buried in sand is very symbolic of the intrinsic joy of being, suppressed (in sand). Sand is and isn’t manmade, which is also deeply symbolic (perhaps) indicative of confusion. 

 

41 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

Mute creatures with clubs that I got the sense would absolutely murder and eat me. 

Mute takes alway any chance of communication, and in the communion sense, that relationship between you and You, again very symbolic. 

Clubs may be symbolic as well. It’s primal, brutal. 

The me might be Me / innocence, unconditionality, not-knowing, the ‘deeper’ concern, which 

 

41 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

There were definitely things that were kept secret from me for a long time, idk if I had some sense of that, or if there's something I don't remember happening or what, but from the outside my childhood was kind of idyllic in most ways.  

Idk. Maybe, maybe not. It does sound like there is a lot of (perfectly natural) defense. Not per se psychological, common, typical deflection & projection… but raw, primal, very deep.