Why not?

[Agape]

Fuck it. I'm an overbearing haughty piece of shit. Fuck it. If you don't like what I say then leave me the Hell alone. I have good qualities. And you can loft over them with your purview of intellectual or spiritual or emotional Enlightenment. I already knew I am a piece of shit. People jump in and say kind things and try to encourage me to be more optimistic. But no lady wants to fuck me. Maybe nobody else exists. I really don't know. I am loyal and faithful and I'll stick with anyone through and through who does the same for me. But if you get personal and pejorative with me I will do absolutely everything to make you remember me, no matter if I get kicked off this forum. Don't play games with me on the pretense of being ostensibly 'spiritual', 'intellectual' or 'Enlightened'. I have nothing to lose anymore. I would do everything I can to see through you and tear you apart because that is how I feel everyone else treats me. Because I see the games, I see the duplicity, I see the contradictions, I see the Shadow. I have zero respect for teachers. Especially teachers who masquerade as not being a teacher. I have very little remorse for people who teach. They have a privileged position, even if it's just for the endogenous chemicals in them that get released from the feeling of being superior as one of the supposed knowers. I'm a dirty ugly rat backed into a corner. I have no friends. I asked a lady out who is 12 years older than me and who used to be a prostitute. I don't judge that. I genuinely couldn't give a shit. Fuck it, I don't want to try and not be overbearing. I still think about how I would like to go down on her. But even she doesn't want me. Fuck it. I will fight anyone who gives me shit. Argue with the points I make. I am completely open to being proved wrong on an idea I believe to be true. If you get personal. If you betray me. I will do absolutely everything I can feasibly do to destroy you. I don't know that I can make anyone feel the shame and self-hatred I do. But I will absolute do my best to find out if I can. Phil, if you find me haughty and overbearing, look at the mechanisms of projection and transference. The problem with all you guys is, no one can remember pain. People only know the pain they feel now. If you find Nonduality, you lose that feeling and it makes you completely devoid of empathy. You haven't the faintest idea of the Hell I live in every day. You crushed me because you felt like it. So, I will crush you. I will do absolutely everything I can to destroy you if you destroy me again. You don't know me. If you did, you wouldn't have written the things you wrote. Your teachings do, and I am not lying, literally nothing to shift the self-hatred I feel. I know why the Rape of Nanking, the Rwandan Genocide, Nazi Germany happened. All people project their bullshit and it gets to a point where a man can only stand so much of that weight and then fuck it. There's nothing left to lose then. So you fight. Maybe it is all an illusion. Maybe it is, but how it feels. Maybe you never went to Hell or maybe you forgot it. Maybe you believe Solipsism. Maybe you do. But, I will do everything I can to rip away your happiness if you rip away the little peace that I get. You ripped me the fuck apart. I have no friends. Women find me ugly. All I have is mindfulness. I walk down the street and hear conversations, like tonight, and six months ago they would have set me off down a spiral of paranoia. But now I hear them and it's meta. Me looking at what would have triggered me and seeing how things can change. Expression is utterly useless to me other than just escapism for a while. No single person knows the truth. They know a 60,000 foot top down version of what is. Enlightened teachers say there is now words for what they experience. But that's the same with everybody. I can write self-hatred, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Hell. But if you haven't been there, then it's just part of the illusion. I do not sit with Kings or the Lord. I sit in the shadows. Do not insult me. Do not go there. I will use every fibre of my being to do whatever I can to remove the joy you feel. And do not hit me with the stupid laconic reply that teachers hit people with. It's all psychological games that everyone plays. Play it better. Play it wiser. You exist. I exist. You still have a psyche. You still have an ego. You're still entrenched in the not knowing. Watch 'Bambi'. If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. To be clear, I don't like you, yes you. I never did. Because your lofty explanations, you called me haughty, fuck it, did nothing for me. I went away and thought about everything you used to write to me. I went into it. And I came out the other side feeling self-hatred and Hell. Here's expression for you. I hate you. You betrayed me. So I will betray you. Give me all the warnings you want to. The person that you are, I hate it as much as I hate myself. You teachers all think Karma isn't for you. Do your laconic reply or insult to me. I will show you psychological pain. Make more of an enemy out me. I think all you guys laugh at suffering. You don't know what this feels like. The total isolation, regardless of when I interact with people or not. You think you're in control? You think I can't rip away those supposed non-attachments? Maybe I can't. But I don't care. You cast me into Hell. If anyone doesn't like me when I haven't insulted you, then I will cast all my projections onto you and show you what I feel all day every day. I will do absolutely anything to crawl out of the horrendous filth I live in. I have nothing anymore. I'm 35 and I'm not sexually or romantically attractive to women. I can't even get a loan to fly to France and get fucked up in a French bar. Today I looked up backpacks and maps so that I could leave my phone and just walk through the UK and live as a homeless person. That's where I am at. I have no home. I am from Barbados. I don't relate to people. People don't get my jokes. People find me ugly. I just want to wander and live in fields and be as free as it is possible to be. I want to walk to Cornwall and sleep under trees. I am tired of shame and fear. I want to go to gay bars. I'm not gay. But just to feel attractive to anyone feels amazing. I'd probably even let a guy fuck me if I was drunk enough. I don't give a shit anymore. People wonder why a person could drink or use the way I used to. When I drink and use drugs, the shame, the fear, disappears. If you push me down further I will do whatever I can to drag you down, even if it destroys me. Fuck it. Don't insult me. Don't put me down. I am at the bottom of reality. Do you have any idea how ugly and terrifying people find Paranoid Schizophrenia? I know I am a freak. I know I am filth. If you see me fucked up and passed out with my face in a mush of shit and you step on it I will do everything I can to make you feel what it feels like. If you find me overbearing, haughty, narcissistic, whatever crap you want to project onto me, and you write that, I will show you the truth of where those projections come from. You. Come on. You haven't the faintest idea of how hard I have fought to not be sectioned, imprisoned, put into a psychiatric institution for life, or in Broadmoor. You don't know the absolute level of self-hatred I bear and live through to the point where people have no idea that I feel it. I have never met anyone who has any idea of how bad it is. To prove it to you. Self-hatred is far worse than Paranoid Schizophrenia. I'm not lying. I know it. Paranoid Schizophrenia is a walk in the fucking park compared to self-hatred. If you don't have anything decent to say to me, do not presume to know who and what I am. I have read Scott Kiloby's books. I have done Shadow work. I've tried Loving-kindness meditation. I've talked to so many counsellors. I had a counsellor whose whole thing was self-understanding. He, and I am not lying, after 4 sessions complained about how he had had to listen to me and proceeded to tell me exactly what he thought of me. I know I am a horrid piece of shit. Even people who I've paid to listen to me can't stand me. If it were so fucking accessible for me to stop these horrendous thoughts it would have been done. I have tried. I have spent years, years going into teachings - Self-understanding, Nonduality, Solipsism, Compassion and these thoughts and feelings keep happening. I know why absolute power corrupts. IQ is absolute garbage. Without it, there would be no human-made global warming, Communism, Fascism, AI, all that bullshit. All of us, a million years ago, should have stayed eating seedy fruit and bitter vegetables. Then we wouldn't have developed bigger brains and got to a point where we torture and murder tens of billions of animals for food or keep wiping out entire species. For what, so we could lose truth, only to look for it again as a species? I know truth in MDMA more than I have ever even got close to in Nondual teachings. If you betray me. I will betray you. If you don't like me, leave me the Hell alone. I have never liked myself. I don't need an audience of people who want to step on my head and sink it further into the filth. I write on here because I cannot tell anyone how I feel. Therapists and counsellors try to compete with me and try to outdo me. When I share in 12 Step meetings people do the same. Some people are beautiful. Some people are ugly. I know I am ugly. I couldn't be a banker. I couldn't be a charity shop volunteer. I couldn't do data entry. I couldn't do sales. I couldn't do anything I tried. I am exceptionally low in conscientiousness. I can't fix anything. I have terrible attention to detail. And yet I have a 140 IQ on average. So no one I know can joke with me or tell me anything that I find interesting. And when I get tired and start acting like myself they all look blank and confused or turn on me. Fuck it. I grew up in Barbados. Who gives a shit? It was Hell. My siblings despised me because I was smarter than them when they are older than me. They tortured me for it. My brother called me stupid every chance he got. I could spell better than him when he was 10 and I was 6. My sister had Borderline Personality Disorder, coupled with her absolutely fucking despising me. My brain was literally formed around hatred. My parents, as much as I love them, never saw it. And they never stopped it. I grew up and live in a fog of hatred. Every time I acted authentically my siblings fucking jumped all over it and crushed it. The past exists now, until I work through the emotions. I don't just have an ideology of pain. Feeling it is completely the only thing that has shifted any of this shit I deal with. I am not coming at this from a little bit of suffering. People fucking despise Paranoid Schizophrenia. It is the filth. I'm not asking anyone to come into this with me. I don't wish that on people in general. But if you kick my head into the shit that I smell I will fucking do what I can do to put you in my position. I have no sympathy, zero, for anyone who does that. And, do not give me, that laconic bullshit reply. I will cast my demon into your heart and will it there with all my being. My good qualities are that if anyone fucks with people I care about I will protect them to the ends of the Earth and beyond this place. I'm not even that unlevelled. I'm really open. I'm really open to compromise and feeling through emotions and growing from that. That's what feeling the pain does for me. It's not some bullshit dead end ideology. It's not a belief I've adopted for the Hell of it. It is the only thing that has helped me. I have good qualities. I find sex disgusting. I don't even like porn. But, show me a lady who is straight, decent, honest and I'll show her the fucking world. I'm not overbearing. I just give a shit. It freaks people out. But that's because they don't believe that it's genuine. A guy back home once insulted my Dad. I ripped him the fuck apart. He got so scared he gossipped to everyone to cover for himself. I stick by people who are fair. And if I've behaved like an asshole I don't go for people who point it out. I tell them I am sorry and I listen to them. Phil, what you said, man, I will sacrifice future lives for myself if you do that again. I really don't give a shit anymore. I'm really considering buying a large backpack and walking out of society. I'm sick of this shit. I know people generally don't like me once they get to know me. There have to be people who are like me. There has to be a lady out there who talks straight like me. I hide all the time. And it must seem narcissistic and all that pop-psychology bullshit that people throw about the place nowadays. But she's got to be out there. Sometimes I think I'm not supposed to meet anyone because she's waiting for me on the other side. Like, maybe I am a total freak. Maybe I am. And maybe there is nothing after all this. But fuck me. I will find those feelings. That Heaven. I'm probably going to do drugs again. But that's what I want from walking away from this shit. I just want to leave. If I had money I would fly to Norway and go the North of the country and see the Northern Lights. I want to go to Russia. I want to go to Ukraine and fight in a war. I want to go skydiving. I want to live and be free. Anyways, fuck it. You're just images and words in my mind. But that's all I could ever be to you too. And yet, stick me in solitary confinement and I'll go fucking crazy in new ways. I think, once they've given me labels and the fear of controlling my life completely, you just want to get the fuck out. People aren't going to shit on workaholism, or sex addiction for porn stars. It's a question of what is palatable to other people. I'm not palatable to other people. So why should other people suffer for trying to understand it? I'm a freak. I already knew that. Find me overbearing or whatever bullshit projection you want to put on me. I told you what I thought of you and I got a warning. There's obviously an asymmetry there. And you didn't even have the guts to give me the warning. You had to have somebody else do it. I don't believe you're as strong as me. You said what you wanted to say and you had to get somebody else to fight for you. Well, I'm here. You want to be a man? I have spent many years thinking about all this stuff. I won't get somebody else to speak for me. And if you think I can't tear you apart like you tore me apart, don't worry. You obviously have no idea how I feel. I would feel completely comfortable to make you feel what I feel. I'll show everyone all the attachment and preferences you have. Or maybe you'll just respond with silence - strong! So strong, right? Don't you see? You can't talk either without playing games, even by negation. I don't think you're smarter than me. So I don't think you can rely on that. Honestly, come at me. You can get other people to fight for you and push people into the delusion that you don't have attachment or preferences or whatever nonsense you want to convince people about you. Teachers are liars. They try to wash it away by saying that language can't be dualistic or some other manipulation. No, you lie. Either you're not actually Enlightened, which you're most likely not, even if it actually exists. Or we can simply go to extremes. If you had the option to be tortured by being cut all over your body and have salt and lime juice poured into your wounds before being compressed by metal plates under intense slow pressure or, alternatively, you could spend an afternoon with your favourite friend at the beach in the Mediterranean eating a nice lunch and having an ice-cream by the blue ocean. You're not a real teacher. You're a liar. You're just as delusional as me. But, don't worry. It's fine. You can have somebody else give me a warning. Because you have no courage. I may not be Enlightened or whatever. But I have more heart and more courage than you ever will. I can live through Samsara. And I know that I can kill myself. I'm not scared anymore. And people like you will have just to try and banish the inconvenient people like me who ask too many questions. So, exactly, between you and I, who is closer to Christ? Also, you robbed your ideas from the person who made you. Good for you. But to be fair. I don't like you. Just to be straight. You're a thief and I am trying to be myself. You don't have any ideas of your own. You just steal from other people like Leo or some lady who thinks she can speak from some imagined entity. And then shit on someone like me who wanders in and thinks it's alright to express themself, like you basically said to do. So, again, overbearing, not a projection? You think shame is just a concept. Fair enough, but I have no other way to express the Hell I feel. Maybe you haven't the faintest idea who I am, what I am and what I feel. But, get somebody else to do your dirty work for you and give me another warning. I may be overbearing. But, I'm not a complete coward. Intellectually, spiritually, psychologically, you are a coward. Ban me. Go ahead. You never knew me beyond your projections. The same as how I know you. But maybe you've had some understanding of the Hell I inhabit every waking second of every day. 

[Joseph Maynor]

You have a lot of inspiration though I can see that in your desire to express yourself and be heard and understood.  That's good energy.  

[Agape]

I'm really sorry. I apologise unreservedly. I don't feel much empathy for people. Just, sorry.