I’m feeling very frustrated.

[Kevin]

I’m experiencing a lot of anger and frustration. I think deep down there’s probably lots of insecurity because on the surface I think I’m attractive and many women would be lucky to be with me. Like objectively I’ve got everything going for me.

 

however in life things don’t seem to pan out like I want them too. Over the holidays I went on 3 dates in like 2 weeks and I was stoked about it. The first date sucked and the girl wasn’t my type so I was disappointed. The second girl I went on 2 dates with but she wasn’t really my type but she was cuter than the first. The 3rd I liked the most and that was a fun date.

 

all those dates were fun but I went on those dates in my home town. Now I’m back in reno and I’m trying to go on more dates but I haven’t. It’s frustrating because I think obsessively about sex. All my life I’ve thought obsessively about sex but I used to deal with that by masturbating. Now it feels different because I don’t even want to masturbate. I just want to be with a woman. I’ve been thinking about it all day.

 

dating apps piss me off because I get little to no matches and that makes me feel insecure and unattractive. I’m just so frustrated because I want to be going on dates and having sex. And I want a girlfriend. And I’m incredibly frustrated because it doesn’t seem to be happening for me. And I get pissed because maybe I’m not doing enough. I think that maybe I overthink these things and I just need to ask out more girls. And I’m angry because I think I deserve love and affection and I’m not getting it.

 

i guess I’m rambling but I’m very frustrated.

 

MAJOR EDIT:

 

I went through the emotional scale and I figured out what I’m upset about. I think I’m a very attractive guy and I believe I deserve a woman who is very beautiful inside, and out. And I am frustrated that this isn’t happening for me. And then I experience doubt about my own worthiness because so far I haven’t attracted that dream woman. And then I experience hopelessness and pessimism because I think I might never attract that woman.

Edited January 7 by Kevin
Further clarity.

[Phil]

When you say ‘I think I’m’, are you the one the thought is about, the thinker, or awareness of thoughts & emotions?

 

What happened to the 3rd girl? Still talking?

[Mandy]

 

 I went ice skating the other day, and the rink was full of people and in my opinion, no one could skate well that was there that day at all.  You'd expect better in Canada, I thought. Then I consider why I have such high standards. I grew up with parents who were hermits that didn't encourage me to do any structured activities and didn't buy us video games, but did buy us skates and skis,  and our house was right next to a huge shallow pond that my Mom could watch from her window. There was nothing better to do but ice skate when there was ice. Add in a Panasonic CD player and teenage angst, and I spent hours on the ice. Should I only consider good ice skaters as potential partners? Or is it just some stupid little cause and effect thing that I can figure skate kinda good? If your parents are attractive people there's a good chance you'll be attractive. Really, who gives a shit? Why is figure skating different from looks, why do looks have so much value? Because our culture says they do, because we agree. If you grew up in a figure skating family/culture, you'd weigh that more heavily. Or singing, or good grades, or, or, or. 🤷‍♀️ 

 

You won't be a better person if you stop caring about looks, you won't get what you want.  But you are more free than you think, you get to create this dream, not just buy whatever society threw at you. You get to care about what you care about. And here's the real "secret"... the Universe will ONLY deliver what you REALLY care about. What is settling actually if you throw out all your preconceived beliefs about value and allow yourself to want what it is you actually want? You might be looking for indicators that show 1% of the picture and aren't considering the 99%. What's the other 99% of what you want that has nothing to do with how you are perceived, how you perceive yourself, or the acceptance of anyone else?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kevin]

9 hours ago, Phil said:

When you say ‘I think I’m’, are you the one the thought is about, the thinker, or awareness of thoughts & emotions?

 

What happened to the 3rd girl? Still talking?

No. I am not actually the one who is a high value guy or the attractive guy. I guess I just assume that’s what other people are seeing.

 

and that’s not to say I think I’m unattractive I just wanted to clarify that I don’t think any of those words define me but I’m assuming that’s what women see.

 

The third girl was cool but she lives in Oregon and I don’t usually live in Oregon. I just visit. She was really cool but she was older. People might call me shallow but I don’t want to marry a woman who is older than me. And she was like 10 years older.

 

I think i was being a little dramatic last night. Realistically I just gotta put myself in situations where girls are and it’ll happen. The main issue is I get impatient. I want it to happen now. 

Edited January 7 by Kevin
Second paragraph added clarity

[Kevin]

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

 

 I went ice skating the other day, and the rink was full of people and in my opinion, no one could skate well that was there that day at all.  You'd expect better in Canada, I thought. Then I consider why I have such high standards. I grew up with parents who were hermits that didn't encourage me to do any structured activities and didn't buy us video games, but did buy us skates and skis,  and our house was right next to a huge shallow pond that my Mom could watch from her window. There was nothing better to do but ice skate when there was ice. Add in a Panasonic CD player and teenage angst, and I spent hours on the ice. Should I only consider good ice skaters as potential partners? Or is it just some stupid little cause and effect thing that I can figure skate kinda good? If your parents are attractive people there's a good chance you'll be attractive. Really, who gives a shit? Why is figure skating different from looks, why do looks have so much value? Because our culture says they do, because we agree. If you grew up in a figure skating family/culture, you'd weigh that more heavily. Or singing, or good grades, or, or, or. 🤷‍♀️ 

 

yeah idk looks are very subjective that’s for sure. Beauty definitely is in the eye of the beholder. For me attraction is super key. Idk if it’s conditioning but there are just certain things I cannot be attracted to no matter what. For example if a woman is very overweight it doesn’t matter how sweet of a person she is or anything like that. I just can’t overlook it.

 

maybe I’m misreading your comment but are you saying let go of attraction or are you saying stop letting attraction be defined by societal beauty standards?

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

You won't be a better person if you stop caring about looks, you won't get what you want.  But you are more free than you think, you get to create this dream, not just buy whatever society threw at you. You get to care about what you care about. And here's the real "secret"... the Universe will ONLY deliver what you REALLY care about. What is settling actually if you throw out all your preconceived beliefs about value and allow yourself to want what it is you actually want? You might be looking for indicators that show 1% of the picture and aren't considering the 99%. What's the other 99% of what you want that has nothing to do with how you are perceived, how you perceive yourself, or the acceptance of anyone else?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m definitely aware there’s more than just looks to worry about. But attraction is very important to me. I can’t see how I’d overlook it

[Mandy]

@Kevin You get what you want by freeing yourself of the weight of what's important to you. Appreciate women's looks or beauty in general more than you ever have without grasping at them and you'll see beauty has never been limited. 

 

I mean much more generally, let yourself want what it is you want. Question the limitations in beliefs about why you can't have what you want in every subject of life. I'd suggest starting in other areas in your life than romance and relationship because there might be a lot less currently activated resistance to those things. Find beauty elsewhere and it will find you. 

[Phil]

16 hours ago, Kevin said:

No. I am not actually the one who is a high value guy or the attractive guy. I guess I just assume that’s what other people are seeing.

 

and that’s not to say I think I’m unattractive I just wanted to clarify that I don’t think any of those words define me but I’m assuming that’s what women see.

 

The third girl was cool but she lives in Oregon and I don’t usually live in Oregon. I just visit. She was really cool but she was older. People might call me shallow but I don’t want to marry a woman who is older than me. And she was like 10 years older.

 

I think i was being a little dramatic last night. Realistically I just gotta put myself in situations where girls are and it’ll happen. The main issue is I get impatient. I want it to happen now. 

It sounds like assuming / knowing what she’s thinking & sexual impulsivity are curtailing your attracting in a self defeating manor. It doesn’t seem like you’re yet noticing projecting the emotions / guidance you’re feeling onto a second or separate self. That stands to be most liberating and attracting. As the guidance is allowed to be felt directly, interpretations change naturally and attraction changes therein as well. 

Why do you want a relationship? 

What do you envision together?

 

What does productivity look like in terms of loa?

What is and isn’t productive in terms of focus & activities?

[Kevin]

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin You get what you want by freeing yourself of the weight of what's important to you. Appreciate women's looks or beauty in general more than you ever have without grasping at them and you'll see beauty has never been limited. 

 

Are you saying let go of what’s important to me? My next thought would be this makes sense because these things are only so important because I believe happiness is dependent on me getting what’s important to me. That’s a Huge trap right there.

 

Its probably very different seeing and talking to a beautiful woman when I don’t believe happiness is dependent on it going a certain way. 

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

I mean much more generally, let yourself want what it is you want. Question the limitations in beliefs about why you can't have what you want in every subject of life. I'd suggest starting in other areas in your life than romance and relationship because there might be a lot less currently activated resistance to those things. Find beauty elsewhere and it will find you. 

Thanks Mandy. I always appreciate your perspective.

[Mandy]

13 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Are you saying let go of what’s important to me? My next thought would be this makes sense because these things are only so important because I believe happiness is dependent on me getting what’s important to me. That’s a Huge trap right there.

 

Its probably very different seeing and talking to a beautiful woman when I don’t believe happiness is dependent on it going a certain way. 

Thanks Mandy. I always appreciate your perspective.

You can't not want what you want, but you can drop the seriousness, the drama, the importance, the need to secure, own and grab, and just allow the fun. 

[Kevin]

7 hours ago, Phil said:

It sounds like assuming / knowing what she’s thinking & sexual impulsivity are curtailing your attracting in a self defeating manor.
 

 

I couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s exactly it. What’s the solution though. I’m thinking meditation and untangling why sexuality is so impulsive for me. Part of it is I think I need it. And I get frustrated when I go through periods with no sex. 

 

7 hours ago, Phil said:

 

It doesn’t seem like you’re yet noticing projecting the emotions / guidance you’re feeling onto a second or separate self.
 

sounds like what your saying is that there are no woman. However the reason I believe there is and there is so much thought energy and discord around the topic is because I’m projecting that discord onto a supposed thought called women instead of listening to the guidance and focusing on more feel good topics.

7 hours ago, Phil said:

 

 

That stands to be most liberating and attracting. As the guidance is allowed to be felt directly, interpretations change naturally and attraction changes therein as well. 

Why do you want a relationship? 
 

I think it will bring a lot of joy and purpose to my experience. And I want to have sex with a woman and I want the woman I have sex with to be someone I love. Something that I’ve experienced too much is having sex with a woman and then immediately after realizing I don’t actually like her and I want her to leave. It’s a terrible feeling. I want to sleep with a woman and then actually enjoy her company and want her to stick around.

 

7 hours ago, Phil said:

What do you envision together?

 

I guess same as the answer above. Intimacy and her being on my team and me being in her team so to speak. Also going on vacations to exotic places like bora bora, Bali, Thailand etc. I could do that tomorrow but I don’t want to do that by myself. I want to bring a woman I love there.

 

also long term I wanna have kids.

7 hours ago, Phil said:

What does productivity look like in terms of loa?

im not sure. I guess it would entirely depend on what I’m working towards. If it were meeting girls then actually talking with girls would be productivity towards that end.

 

7 hours ago, Phil said:

What is and isn’t productive in terms of focus & activities?

What is productive is surprising working on music. It shuts down the discordant thoughts. What isn’t productive is ruminating on the thoughts of desperately wanting but also not having.

[Kevin]

24 minutes ago, Mandy said:

You can't not want what you want, but you can drop the seriousness, the drama, the importance, the need to secure, own and grab, and just allow the fun. 

That makes total sense. The bad feelings start when I start thinking about how it needs to happen now and how if it doesn’t happen now it’ll never happen. The ownership also doesn’t feel good. The thought comes up that if I don’t hurry up and get on it and focus and make it happen then it’s not going to happen. That feels bad but that’s probably the universe saying I don’t need to make it happen.

 

I’ve noticed lately that lots of stuff happens very well without my seeming effort. In fact maybe the effort is getting in the way.

[Phil]

24 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s exactly it. What’s the solution though. I’m thinking meditation and untangling why sexuality is so impulsive for me. Part of it is I think I need it. And I get frustrated when I go through periods with no sex. 

Not assuming isn’t really a solution to a problem. It’s more of a noticing of a habit of believing thoughts & being aware what she’s thinking isn’t actually known. Sexual impulsivity is similar in that it’s not a problem / solution situation. When looked at more as a habit & reaction… just sitting, breathing and relaxing reveals less and less need and there is more of an experience of a less emotionally influential preference.

 

50 minutes ago, Kevin said:

sounds like what your saying is that there are no woman. However the reason I believe there is and there is so much thought energy and discord around the topic is because I’m projecting that discord onto a supposed thought called women instead of listening to the guidance and focusing on more feel good topics.

There aren’t but that isn’t what was meant. The distinction in regard to a separate self is subtle.  ‘I get frustrated’ refers to a finite self in time and implies past tense.  It’s a story in & of itself about a subject and frustration as an object. ‘I’m experiencing frustration’ is present & acknowledgement of the emotion. Being present sheds light on a lot of discord being of the implied second self in a past or in time. The ‘one who goes through periods with no sex’ is a thought about a self, which isn’t present. The projection of the frustration presently felt (if that’s the case), is being projected onto a fictitious separate self in time which isn’t present. It’s not about word usage or semantics, it’s about being present and aware of the discordant aspect. Without the discord, naturally more feel good topics are focused upon, because you’re all the more unfettered and feeling-good is more pronounced. 

 

55 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I think it will bring a lot of joy and purpose to my experience. And I want to have sex with a woman and I want the woman I have sex with to be someone I love. Something that I’ve experienced too much is having sex with a woman and then immediately after realizing I don’t actually like her and I want her to leave. It’s a terrible feeling. I want to sleep with a woman and then actually enjoy her company and want her to stick around.

The sitting, breathing, relaxing & non-doing in regard to impulsivity is actually calming, confidence building and depth allowing. You’ll naturally and effortlessly therein be attracting in kind. You’ll see that in your allowing of depth, it also comes into your experience in terms of the women you attract. You will feel you have more to share, and there will be less need-thinking. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

im not sure. I guess it would entirely depend on what I’m working towards. If it were meeting girls then actually talking with girls would be productivity towards that end.

Not that I’m in any suggesting that you don’t, that’s great imo, but what about in terms of alignment?

 

[Kevin]

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Not assuming isn’t really a solution to a problem. It’s more of a noticing of a habit of believing thoughts & being aware what she’s thinking isn’t actually known. Sexual impulsivity is similar in that it’s not a problem / solution situation. When looked at more as a habit & reaction… just sitting, breathing and relaxing reveals less and less need and there is more of an experience of a less emotionally influential preference.

 

yeah that really clicks. When I commented before it felt like more of the same thing. Like “oh the problem is sexual impulsivity. Now what’s the solution to my problem.”

 

I see what’s being said though. I don’t need to bring my hammer and power tools. I can just watch it happen.

 

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

There aren’t but that isn’t what was meant. The distinction in regard to a separate self is subtle.  ‘I get frustrated’ refers to a finite self in time and implies past tense.  It’s a story in & of itself about a subject and frustration as an object. ‘I’m experiencing frustration’ is present & acknowledgement of the emotion. Being present sheds light on a lot of discord being of the implied second self in a past or in time. The ‘one who goes through periods with no sex’ is a thought about a self, which isn’t present. The projection of the frustration presently felt (if that’s the case), is being projected onto a fictitious separate self in time which isn’t present. It’s not about word usage or semantics, it’s about being present and aware of the discordant aspect. Without the discord, naturally more feel good topics are focused upon, because you’re all the more unfettered and feeling-good is more pronounced. 

 

Totally makes sense. I’m assuming you would says progress is an illusion but it certainly feels like something has shifted. By that I mean last night I was sitting there about to go to bed and I was kind of worried this girl wouldn’t text me back. All the normal thoughts started to come up. She doesn’t like me. I’ll never find the dream woman. I’m u worthy etc. but then I just started laughing because it became clear that those are just thoughts I’m focused on and they’re not actual. And it was really funny.

 

A year ago I would have focused on those thoughts and spiraled and been sad for like a week.

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

The sitting, breathing, relaxing & non-doing in regard to impulsivity is actually calming, confidence building and depth allowing. You’ll naturally and effortlessly therein be attracting in kind. You’ll see that in your allowing of depth, it also comes into your experience in terms of the women you attract. You will feel you have more to share, and there will be less need-thinking. 

 

I really feel that. I’m talking to some girls on dating apps and you never know how that goes. A lot of girls you talk to will just stop responding but I’ve got a good feeling here on one of them.

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Not that I’m in any suggesting that you don’t, that’s great imo, but what about in terms of alignment?

 

To be honest I’m not quite sure what your asking here.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I don’t need to bring my hammer and power tools. I can just watch it happen.

Exactly. What a great way to put it. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Totally makes sense. I’m assuming you would says progress is an illusion but it certainly feels like something has shifted. By that I mean last night I was sitting there about to go to bed and I was kind of worried this girl wouldn’t text me back. All the normal thoughts started to come up. She doesn’t like me. I’ll never find the dream woman. I’m u worthy etc. but then I just started laughing because it became clear that those are just thoughts I’m focused on and they’re not actual. And it was really funny.

 

A year ago I would have focused on those thoughts and spiraled and been sad for like a week.

Absolutely. Humor is like striking relief gold. That’s great to hear man. 

I would say progress is apparent, someone separate progressing is illusory. It’s unfettering. Like how there is an experience of misunderstanding & confusion, and when it’s dispelled there isn’t per se an actual experience of ‘understanding’. Understanding is just, being. Infinite intelligence, previously a little more obscured. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I really feel that. I’m talking to some girls on dating apps and you never know how that goes. A lot of girls you talk to will just stop responding but I’ve got a good feeling here on one of them.

Well yeah. You’re a powerful creator. 🙂

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

To be honest I’m not quite sure what your asking here.

Thought, with feeling. 🤍

[Mandy]

 

 

On 1/7/2024 at 6:58 PM, Kevin said:

 For example if a woman is very overweight it doesn’t matter how sweet of a person she is or anything like that. I just can’t overlook it.

Isn't it interesting that the overweight woman and the sexually impulsive guy are suffering from the same exact root issue, manifested slightly differently? 

 

Isn't it amazing how fast an impulse dies, how quick it's forgotten? You don't even know you've forgotten it, until you remember again. It's almost like it's there in the urgency of the impulse, "DO IT NOW OR YOU'LL FORGET YOU WANTED THE THING." It's sooo ridiculous, but feels so life and death. For a hot minute. Then it dies. The only thing that really dies is thought. Thought is TERRIFIED because we are just a bunch of ADD mother fuckers.  Whores really. One thought to the next. 

 

Twinkies. Squirrels. That music video I saw 4 years ago. How "saw" is just "was" spelled backwards. It's almost like, if you just write them down, they have to jump in line, it brings some sense of order, and yet still chaotic, kind of like a forest, or a meadow. Nothing is out of place, yet nothing is IN its place either.