My Future Husband

[Reena]

Although I can't enjoy the same sexual freedom with an Indian guy, there are still perks to dating an Indian guy. Indian guy can be more committed, won't give me a hard time, will be poetic hopefully!!!! I don't know. The men I dated were kinda lousy and not too romantic. They were a bit nerdy too. I'm romantic at heart but I don't wish to be cheated on. 

Often the romantic kind of dudes can be like playboys. 

 

I want an authentic relationship where I'm for him and he is for me and we both are loyal to each other no matter what.

 

[Reena]

 

 

 

To my future lover - 

I don't need a knife to kill you. I will give you one look and you'll be dead in your tracks. 

I want to make you crazy. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 20 by Reena

[Reena]

 I want to belong to you. I want to feel like I'm wanted,needed. 

I want to feel loved. 

 

 

[Reena]

Maybe I'll place an ad for a husband in the local matrimony. 

[Reena]

I think I'm attracted to very feminine men. 

[Reena]

Dear Husband, I want to absorb your semen. 

[Reena]

I had a dream in which a very soft gentle mild feminine guy was constantly seducing me and I got wet and lost myself. I woke up from the dream feeling very satisfied and giddy.

[Reena]

He should gift me a diamond necklace. 

 

[Reena]

There is a certain sturdiness to the idea of marriage. People get married because they are able to trust each other truly. 

 

A girlfriend boyfriend relationship is without much responsibility. It has no name to it. There is no status to it. There is no structure to it. They can break up anytime on a whim. 

 

 

In this sense, I see marriage as real gold and other relationships as fake gold. Fake gold is made of ordinary material that can break and fade. But real gold won't fade or break. There is a reason why people invest in real Gold. There is a reason why a beautiful peace of art is admired because it took years to make it. There is effort and commitment in a marriage. There is a certain dignity to it. A promise to work out problems and to work on each other. A promise to not leave. A promise of commitment 

 

 

Of course divorce is always a possibility but most couples dread the idea of divorce so it makes them want to work on their problems to not let the marriage fall apart. This is why I think marriage is sacred and one of the oldest institutions in the world. 

 

 

A institution in which the man is required to be with his wife and the woman is required to be one with her husband. Both have a sense of responsibility to each other. I don't know but I trust the idea of marriage in solidifying a relationship to its true potential and bringing out the best in husband and wife towards each other in terms of loyalty and love. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I wanted to stay married to a man of my dreams. 

[Reena]

I found a couple of problems with western culture especially white culture. Because much of the western world is dominated by white culture.

These are the problems - 

 

There is a certain cult dynamic in western countries and culture. Everyone has a high ego in western countries and intolerance. You say anything that isn't pleasant or appealing to them, they immediately cut you out. I find this very cultish. It's like you have to please some Lord. Everyone wants to be the Lord. 

 

[Reena]

I think I have been exceptionally forgiving with people. I have been with who have tried to exploit me, scam me, beat me up. 

 

I remember this one person who was violent with me and they pinned me to the bed and there were scratches all over me, they had their nails into my skin. They grabbed my wrist and tightened their grip so badly that I couldn't escape. I tried my best to get out of that grip but my stamina was falling short and I was pinned for some time and I felt completely helpless and wasn't able to defend myself. 

I have tolerated a lot of emotional abuse as well. 

I feel like I was excessively forgiving 

 

[Reena]

It's my feminine energy that makes me excessively forgiving around bad people. And I think I need an equally feminine man to be comfortable with. 

 

My principles are at odd with western values and beliefs and behaviors. I find western culture very intolerant and punishing. 

 

They literally punish you and judge you over the pettiest things. 

[Reena]

I'm hyper sensitive I get it but I'm always open to conversation. Too much attacking can make me nervous and it's natural. But I always try to understand what the other person is trying to say if they have a legit point. 

I have been mercilessly bullied and attacked on Leo's forum by aggressive men and finally banned. It felt awful like there was no mercy and Leo's forum is especially unforgiving to women in general

 

 

I don't know if this is a fallout of western culture where western men feel outsmarted or emasculated by their own women. I'm not sure. But my expectations of western men were  that they would be much more tolerant and open to any dissenting woman. Unfortunately they are not. They reject your opinion if you confront them. They see an angry woman as a problem. They see her as a threat. Unbelievable. 

 

If im considered a threat by western standards, then I don't know what to say. 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

So with my first boyfriend who was a total asshole to me I had a pretty bad experience. The first night that I spent with him, he was very aggressive and hostile with me although I never had sex with him. There was no sexual intercourse. He tried to kiss me. But as he got closer, I was a bit nervous and he grabbed my wrist and pinned me to the bed. His grip was so tight that I began moaning in pain. I was half asleep so I couldn't resist completely or fully. I could still feel the pain in my wrist at the time and it felt like the circulation to my fingertips was stopping. My fingers were feeling tight and swollen and looking a bit purplish. Like hard. When he released his grip and I glanced at my wrists, I saw these reddish  bluish purple kind of marks on the spot where he had held me. I was thinking to myself - "why are you holding me like that? Why so tight? If you wanted to kiss me, I wouldn't say no but you won't have to do that." 

I didn't put up a fight because I was kinda tired and half sleepy. I forgot it later 

 

[Reena]

What should I call my husband? 

 

[Reena]

One word to describe my character and personality -

 

 

 

Vulnerability 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I'll call him Sarim

 

[Reena]

 

 

Why do I prefer abusive assholes? 

Because they have lower expectations 

They are less fragile 

They can show acceptance

They can show integration. 

They are able to handle 

They can be immature 

They can show unusual levels of empathy. 

They understand better

They can have the masculine  equivalent of the feminine intuitive 

They can simp 

There is a compensatory factor 

They can allow me my vulnerability 

 

 

 

Edited January 22 by Reena

[Reena]

I want to lay at your feet.