My Future Husband

[Reena]

I write to you in the hopes that one day you find me. 

[Reena]

So I imagined what my future husband should look like. And this picture resonated with that.

 

 

This picture on the internet has an uncanny resemblance to Marcel. Marcel was my  German ex boyfriend who I had dated when I was on the forum. My mom used to joke that one day I'll marry Marcel. Then a little later we broke off because I didn't feel loved in the relationship to an authentic level.

[Reena]

I want to be his bride and I want to be dressed like this on my wedding day. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Sometimes I want to dress up like this for my wedding to him. 

 

 

[Reena]

I want my future husband to offer me flowers on our first date. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

And I want to dance with you under the moonlight.

 

[Phil]

He’s coming. 

Keep getting ready. 

 

[Reena]

Just now, Phil said:

He’s coming. 

Keep getting ready. 

 

Thanks for the heads up. 

[Reena]

I think I havek  made some progress in the rape dream situation. I have been getting fewer rape dreams since I have been dreaming of my future husband. I'm thinking about building a healthy relationship with my future husband and relating to him sexually in a healthy way too. This is helping me cope with the idea of healthy sex. Not something that makes me feel vulnerable. My future husband dreaming makes me want to be more open to him whereas the rape dreams caused me to feel more suppressed and were probably a part of my inner repression. The rape dreams were probably an extension of my relationship with patriarchy and feeling repressed by it and relating to it in a repressed unhealthy manner the way you live in a concentration camp always feeling pity for the self. Then you're introduced to a healthy place and probably concentration camp dreams take a back seat. I think the rape dreams in a way represented my inner concentration camp repression. Repression is also a form of oppression. It makes you weak, vulnerable and closes the door to love and opens the door to a concentration camp. Thanks Mr future husband for giving me relief from what I had been battling with. 

....
....

I imagine my future husband looking into my eyes and cuddling me and letting me know that there is absolutely nothing to fear when it comes to sex. That I can be open with him and he won't judge me. His love makes me get rid of the sexual burden I had been carrying. All of my trauma and oppression was bundled up in that sexual burden. I hope my future husband would understand that. He slowly takes it away piece by piece and throws it out of me. So I'm liberated and no longer in pain. All of those ominous dreams carried a tinge of feeling powerless. But my future husband assures me that I won't feel powerless with him. The rape dreams were like an evil entity controlling me and telling me I wasn't worthy. Now I'm in tears. Because now I know what those rape dreams meant. It meant I wasn't worthy of real and pure love. Because that's exactly how I had been gaslighted as a child. And the dreams were a remnant or a shadow of that scar tissue left behind. A healthy consensual marriage would never involve oppression. I think a part of this is generational trauma involving my mother's forced arranged marriage. She used to tell me that she would rather die than get married. I guess the generational trauma passed from her womb into me at birth and I carried this trauma into my subconscious and it manifested as those ominous dreams. Slowly clarity is coming to me. Not quickly. But I appreciate the clarity I'm having.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

....
I recently realized that the rape dreams mean this - I feel/felt worthless inside and also not deserving of pure healing love. That I intrinsically considered myself not worthy of healthy pure love. This was huge clarity. After many days of patient waiting yet some groundbreaking insight. 

This self humiliation or the emotion of "undeserving" was the root cause of those dreams, a vestigial remnant of past unprocessed trauma. Thank you Mr Future Husband for shedding clarity on my wound.

[Reena]

My mom's parents told my mom when she was 18 that she should either jump off a bridge or marry my father. My father was an excellent husband and father. But she was not happy with him. Because she loved some other man that she wasn't allowed to marry. I think she carried a lot of trauma from not being able to marry a man she desired. Although my father always provided for her and also loved her, she wasn't attracted to him and that was her main misery. He was a doting husband and very affectionate but she was always a bit withdrawn. She loved him post marriage only for a short while till the time I was born after which she lost interest in him and he had to bear that. Her situation is understandable given that she had never signed up to be married to him. It was arranged by her parents. She didn't have a say in what man she wanted to marry. When I was growing up, she would often tell me that she would never allow me the same fate that had befallen her. She always told me that I could marry the man of my preference and she will never stop me. As India is emerging from the depths of sexual repression, many families allow their children to make their own choices when it comes to marriage. The traditional system is slowly going away. In my own family many  adults are marrying as per their own choice without the meddling of their parents. In Islamic culture there is a phenomenon of honor killing that happens in many parts of india. Where the daughter is murdered for wanting to marry her boyfriend or a guy of her choice. As it is considered that she is bringing dishonor to her family. Some shit like that also happens in some Hindu families where if you go against your parents with respect to marriage, they cut off contact with you or say that you have been wayward and against the wishes of the parent. Adults in my country have to be very brave if they want to marry against their parent's preferences but times are changing and many people from traditional backgrounds are trying to break free of the system of coerced marraiges and don't want to obey their parents on such matters. It's a huge change. But it's not for every family. Some families are still deeply rooted in tradition. 

 

[Reena]

This guy matches the vibe of my future husband. 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I want a sweet caring guy.. 

 

What will I call my future husband? 

 

Ricky. That should be the name. 

 

[Reena]

I wish to be lost in your eyes forever. 

 

[Reena]

At least I'm honest. 

[Reena]

I want to experience peace with my future husband. 

 

[Reena]

What would I not do for you my Love, my husband? 

I would give my love and my life to you. 

You are the gift of my life. 

You are everything I ever wanted 

 

I want to die knowing that I belonged to you my love. 

 

[Reena]

I think I should stop thinking about white guys. I dated white guys for a really long time with no beneficial results. Every relationship with a white man ended in disaster with expectations running high and clashing on both sides. I reached a point where I was addicted to wanting white men. Why? I really don't know. It seemed like they were much easier to get along with and less baggage. They were romantic too. 

 

But I have outgrown the happy romance phase. I want something solid. 

 

The racial tension is too much to handle in a relationship with a white guy. So I guess I need to pass it up. 

 

Maybe I need to focus back on Indian guys who are nice to be with. It's difficult because dating is too premature in my country and the attitude towards dating is negative. It's hard to get a guy who will match my perception. He will most probably not want to date because most families in my country look down on it. 

 

Still I can try to see an Indian guy to match my needs 

I came across some random picture online on a clothing website and I feel like he looks like the perfect Indian guy I would want. 

 

[Reena]

I would want my future husband to look like this. 

 

[Reena]

 

I want to keep my heart and body for my future husband. I want to be for him. 

I never slept with a man. I'm a virgin. And I thought I should be that way for that one special person. 

I have to slowly start forgetting the "white fever." so to speak. There is nothing to gain there. It will tide over and this fantasy of desiring a white man will be over. Although I never dated specifically by race and race was never a factor. I wish I wasn't betrayed by that Indian dude. It skewed me against Indian men and I immediately switched to white men in search of a favorable partner but quickly realized there are cultural differences that are hard to let go or bend around. Plus dating is too frivolous in western countries and there's too much casual sex, much to my dismay. Anyway the white fever is finally over for good. It was a perception that I'll find a white husband and somehow it will be paradise and I will not have to deal with my cultural baggage and I will feel more liberated as a woman. In Indian culture I never felt free with a man about my feelings. There are cultural problems everywhere, not just in my country. But I guess being in a relationship with white men actually proved to be beneficial as it made me more flexible sexually. This wouldn't have been possible with an Indian guy. I can't imagine having that kind of a conversation with an Indian guy without being slut shamed. So being with a white man opened that door for me and there was less slut shaming. I can't say confidently that slut shaming is zero in western culture. It exists, just not as prevalent as in my own culture. The stuff I said to a white man would be impossible to say to an Indian guy without feeling an ounce of shame. Umm. Nope. Can't take that risk with an Indian guy. 

 

I was brave to date white men because in my culture it would be considered "bold" to date other men. I took that risk because I wanted some sexual freedom. If you want something very badly, you have to pay the price, you have to take risks. I might get shamed by my own men. I remember an Indian guy warning me and shaming me for dating a white man. I feared that sort of cultural backlash but then I was like, just do it, see where it goes, how it turns out. Dating itself is a gamble. 

 

Edited January 20 by Reena