Rape dreams(trigger warning)

[Reena]

1 minute ago, Mandy said:

@Reena This is a conversation area. There is a journal area elsewhere on the forum you are more than welcome to use. If you aren't interested in receiving input in this thread, just write in a journal. I can even move this to the journal section if you'd like. 

 

The purpose of the emptying section is to empty, to express and let the relief be felt. The journal section is equally amazing for this. It's not to dig into it, dissect it, label it. If that's what you want to do, use a journal, that's fine. 

 

Your problems are your identity, and that's the only problem. Let it go. 

I want it to be a conversation. Just not with you or Phil. Because it's a failed conversation with both of you. Don't discourage me from conversing with others. This thread can be kept open. Just because it's not resonating with you or Phil does not mean that it should be closed or moved away. 

 

The purpose of the emptying section is to empty, to express and let the relief be felt.

That's what I'm doing. The relief will come if someone comes along that offers a perspective that matches my problem. Can you ever accept that sometimes you might not have the exact solution to someone's problems and simply say something like "I dunno" the way @Jonas Long did. No? Do you have to act like you always have the right perspective and the right solution to someone's problems? 

 

Your problems are your identity, and that's the only problem. Let it go.

How can you decide what my problems are when you didn't even meet me in person? 

 

The journal section is equally amazing for this. It's not to dig into it, dissect it, label it. If that's what you want to do, use a journal, that's fine. 

I already have a journal. 

 

 

[solereproduction]

On 11/11/2023 at 6:32 PM, Reena said:

Trigger warning 

 

I'm suffering from a problem since over a year now. I constantly get dreams where I have been or being raped. I don't understand why this happens. If anyone has any clue. My reactions to me being raped are two fold - one is where I feel helpless, desperate and pity my self. And it's like some kind of a reliving my helplessness. Like a negative reaction to it. And the second reaction is where I am feeling secure in the arms of the rapist. I know it sounds very absurd. I have spoken to my psychiatrist about this but they simply tried to gloss over it. The security feeling is like this - I feel the rapist would give me food, shelter, clothing, water in return for getting his way with me. I don't understand this feeling. But I don't feel like retaliating him. I don't feel like punishing him. Or escaping him. 

 

 

In my mind the feelings - "I deserve to be raped because nobody wanted me. This is rightfully what should happen to children like me who were abandoned." And then I feel like as long as I serve the needs of the rapist, I don't have to worry about my survival. 

 

What's the root cause of such feelings that make me feel stuck in some type of victimhood story? 

 

Any ideas are welcome. I wasn't sexually abused as a child. 

 

Want my honest answer.  It is your instinctive brain reacting to the behavior of your social mind been trained to ignore your time as a sole replacement representing the ancestral lineage that existed since inception of your ancestral lineage. You constantly having to be in character tears you emotionally apart in your own brain.

 

With our conversations from the other thread already making your brain hurt, this post should end those dreams. it was because intellect doesn't agree with instincts and your instincts don't come from people wishing now wasn't eternity and you cannot enjoy being you because of it.  Serenity isn't a dream.

[Phil]

On 11/16/2023 at 2:41 PM, Reena said:

I want it to be a conversation. Just not with you or Phil. Because it's a failed conversation with both of you. Don't discourage me from conversing with others.

I don’t see where anything was said discouragement wise.

 

On 11/16/2023 at 2:41 PM, Reena said:

This thread can be kept open. Just because it's not resonating with you or Phil does not mean that it should be closed or moved away. 

I also don’t see any indication of it not resonating. Scale wise, discouragement is just above anger, and sometime the ‘just above’ emotion is projected so the emotion, in this example anger, isn’t allowed or acknowledged. There’s no one projecting, no one at fault. Projection just innocently happens sometimes. 

 

On 11/16/2023 at 2:41 PM, Reena said:

 

The purpose of the emptying section is to empty, to express and let the relief be felt.

That's what I'm doing. The relief will come if someone comes along that offers a perspective that matches my problem. Can you ever accept that sometimes you might not have the exact solution to someone's problems and simply say something like "I dunno" the way @Jonas Long did. No? Do you have to act like you always have the right perspective and the right solution to someone's problems? 

Sometimes hanging onto being right, rather than caring more about how you feel and or receiving the guidance is projected too. Acknowledging emotions experienced is that same as seeing there is no problem. Relief isn’t the result of a solution, relief is seeing there’s no problem. Blame feels a little better than anger & discouragement. 

 

On 11/16/2023 at 2:41 PM, Reena said:

 

Your problems are your identity, and that's the only problem. Let it go.

How can you decide what my problems are when you didn't even meet me in person? 

As in how one learned to identify via conditioning, or beliefs about myself, which never felt aligned, and through that lens there seems to be a problem. But there’s no problem per se, as in nothing whatsoever wrong with you. There’s conditioning, and the discord of conditioning felt. 

[Reena]

2 hours ago, solereproduction said:

Want my honest answer.  It is your instinctive brain reacting to the behavior of your social mind been trained to ignore your time as a sole replacement representing the ancestral lineage that existed since inception of your ancestral lineage. You constantly having to be in character tears you emotionally apart in your own brain.

 

With our conversations from the other thread already making your brain hurt, this post should end those dreams. it was because intellect doesn't agree with instincts and your instincts don't come from people wishing now wasn't eternity and you cannot enjoy being you because of it.  Serenity isn't a dream.

Can you explain this in simpler format? 

 

[solereproduction]

4 hours ago, Reena said:

Can you explain this in simpler format? 

 

nevermind.  

[Reena]

I think one interpretation of the rape dream (this came to me today), is that I might be in some sort of pain or distress and the rape dreams could be an alert system alerting me to this pain and letting me know that I should be looking for liberation from this pain. 

 

The rape dreams can also be an indication of deep anxiety.

 

 

Also another interpretation of the rape dream can be "comfort in fear" 

 

It could be that I'm experiencing extreme anxiety. But looking for ways to soothe this anxiety. Yet unsuccessful. In the rape dream, the rape dream itself is an act of fear. But the fact that the rapist is trying to soothe me or calm me down after the rape can be an indicator of comfort in fear or distress. This mirrors a real life situation where I'm looking for comfort in the middle of fear. The rapist reminding me that I have nothing to fear or trying to calm my resistance and uproar so that I don't run. 

 

 

 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

The rape dreams can also be an indication of similar abusive situations playing out in real life that the subconscious is depositing. 

[Reena]

Comfort and enjoyment can be two different emotions. 

The rapist is the boogeyman. 

If I eat an ice cream or watch a comedy movie, this can be an enjoyable experience 

 

Yet if I'm looking at buildings collapsing and in deep fear, anxiety that some natural disaster is occurring, and I'm experiencing panic, the rapist trying to calm me down. It's like I'm terrified and he is saying "it will be ok". He is trying to pacify me so that I don't freak out in terror. His calming and soothing is making me feel peaceful despite being stuck in an awful situation with him where I think he could harm me.. 

This is a powerful metaphorical display playing out indicating that I'm looking for comfort in the middle of panic. The rape dream is the best analogy for this.. 

Because rape is the frightening situation to be in, and in such a situation I would seek some sort of comfort. This is not enjoyment or enjoyable but it's calmness or comfort in fear. The rapist does it so that he doesn't have to be dealing with me freaking out. So he tries to alleviate my panic by letting me know that there is no real danger, the danger is only imagined.. 

[Reena]

Aspects of childhood 

 

Domination and comfort alternating pattern.

 

I observed that an alternating pattern seems to be a repetitive occurrence in my rape dreams.

This involves the rapist alternating two things - either he is beating me into submission, showing his raw power, silencing me, threatening me, possessing me, owning me, creating deep panic, fear and a freeze response in me. 

Yet in the next dream and sometimes the same dream, the rapist also shows me mercy, he shows me compassion, he comforts me and tells me that he understands my fear, that I need to calm down or that he would take care of things and he won't let me be physically hurt. As in he won't make it too brutal. 

 

I think this corelates to my patterns of child abuse. 

My mom used to hurt me as a child. She would beat me. And later she would comfort me. She would tell me it's ok. That she won't hurt me again. And she would hurt me again. She would show me mercy if I cried or panicked. At the same time if she was in a bad mood, she would quickly get abusive. 

 

There was an alternating pattern to my mom's behavior and it consisted of her being nice one day and bad the next. She was bipolar and she would constantly suffer mood swings. So the time her mood was good, it was a good day. But you could never know or anticipate when she would get violent. It was like any minute. She would go into a violent rage and take it out on me. Next day she would act like nothing happened. 

This alternating pattern of her behavior was very conflicting, dysfunctional and confusing to me as a child. As I yearned for her love, acceptance, and validation, her narcissistic behavior meant that I would never receive it. 

This same alternating pattern of comfort and fear is consistent throughout my rape dreams. 

 

 

[solereproduction]

and you said you didn't understand my post. but you additions since are what I was suggesting. Instincts are a wonderful thing. Intellectual translations not so much.

Edited November 18, 2023 by solereproduction

[Reena]

@solereproduction what exactly were you suggesting? 

[Reena]

56 minutes ago, Reena said:

Aspects of childhood 

 

Domination and comfort alternating pattern.

 

I observed that an alternating pattern seems to be a repetitive occurrence in my rape dreams.

This involves the rapist alternating two things - either he is beating me into submission, showing his raw power, silencing me, threatening me, possessing me, owning me, creating deep panic, fear and a freeze response in me. 

Yet in the next dream and sometimes the same dream, the rapist also shows me mercy, he shows me compassion, he comforts me and tells me that he understands my fear, that I need to calm down or that he would take care of things and he won't let me be physically hurt. As in he won't make it too brutal. 

 

I think this corelates to my patterns of child abuse. 

My mom used to hurt me as a child. She would beat me. And later she would comfort me. She would tell me it's ok. That she won't hurt me again. And she would hurt me again. She would show me mercy if I cried or panicked. At the same time if she was in a bad mood, she would quickly get abusive. 

 

There was an alternating pattern to my mom's behavior and it consisted of her being nice one day and bad the next. She was bipolar and she would constantly suffer mood swings. So the time her mood was good, it was a good day. But you could never know or anticipate when she would get violent. It was like any minute. She would go into a violent rage and take it out on me. Next day she would act like nothing happened. 

This alternating pattern of her behavior was very conflicting, dysfunctional and confusing to me as a child. As I yearned for her love, acceptance, and validation, her narcissistic behavior meant that I would never receive it. 

This same alternating pattern of comfort and fear is consistent throughout my rape dreams. 

 

 

This seems to be a very near accurate plausible explanation for my rape dream. 

 

[Reena]

The rapist will not give me the comfort that I'm imagining he is giving me in the dream. He will obviously be very violent in real life. It won't go like fantasy. 

 

But I have to integrate. I have to integrate. I have to integrate. I have to integrate.. 

 

 

 

The main reason of my distress and extensive copium is that I'm not ready to integrate this experience either due to morality constraints or because I experience restlessness upon waking up from these dreams. 

 

This thing is either to be ridden off for good or integrated 

 

 

[Reena]

@solereproduction you seem to be coming close to what I want. 

[Reena]

12 minutes ago, Reena said:

This thing is either to be ridden off for good or integrated 

Now I'm not able to get rid of these dreams. It seems like my traumatized subconscious keeps repeating them like a war siren, like a constant smoke alarm. It seems that they are here to stay and stay put they will. It could be a vestigial residue of my past. 

Anyway since it's here, I'll have to incorporate them into my life and make sense of it all. These dreams can be quite exhausting. 

 

Integrating these dreams means accepting my shadow self. 

 

Accepting the reason of these dreams. 

 

Integrating the reason even if it is in conflict with my intellectual thoughts.

 

 

 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Reena

[solereproduction]

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

@solereproduction you seem to be coming close to what I want. 

Wasn't going for what you want. I will leave it at that. 

[Reena]

1 minute ago, solereproduction said:

Wasn't going for what you want. I will leave it at that. 

Ok

[Reena]

I think what you meant is that my intellect doesn't agree with my instinct. 

 

Or it could be that my instinct has become this way since my instinct has been trained to act this way by the abusive training in childhood. So my brain began to accept this as my natural instinct.

 

Thanks. It gives a powerful outlook into how human instinct is trained in childhood yet when the human reaches adult stage, their cognitive ability and intellect begin to get into a conflict with their inner instinct. 

 

But this is a malformed instinct. 

 

It's strange and fascinating how the human instinct evolves to cope for survival. There seems to be an auto generated DNA induced blueprint in our brains that will inhabit a particular instinct and modify it to fit it into our survival instinct pattern so that it eventually benefits us in the long run no matter how immoral vicious and unkempt foul this particular instinct can appear.

 

Thats a fascinating clue into my psyche and human survival instinct 

 

 

[Reena]

Just now, Reena said:

It's strange and fascinating how the human instinct evolves to cope for survival. There seems to be an auto generated DNA induced blueprint in our brains that will inhabit a particular instinct and modify it to fit it into our survival instinct pattern so that it eventually benefits us in the long run no matter how immoral vicious and unkempt foul this particular instinct can appear.

I think this is what they mean by raw tribal instinct. 

An instinct where everything gets modified and coded and then integrated into the brain, good or bad, all of it making it's way to make sure the human survives all kinds of odds. Just to let the human survive the situation and cope with it no matter how difficult. 

 

This also develops a certain resilience, survival based resilience, that the human being will learn all kinds of tricks to survive and cope with any given situation with the help of instinctual blueprint that is independently getting coded and created and modified like an updated manual or document and then this document is used in a referential manner for the future survival potential and strategy (survival strategy) of the said human being. 

But since we are socially programmed a certain way, and together with our other instincts such as fear, anxiety and how our intellect and cognitive capacity develops, these instincts can then run into conflict with our state of minds and cause great deal of dissonance, chaos and confusion and not let the mind have a clear clue to what's happening 

 

 

 

[solereproduction]

10 minutes ago, Reena said:

I think what you meant is that my intellect doesn't agree with my instinct. 

 

Or it could be that my instinct has become this way since my instinct has been trained to act this way by the abusive training in childhood. So my brain began to accept this as my natural instinct.

 

Thanks. It gives a powerful outlook into how human instinct is trained in childhood yet when the human reaches adult stage, their cognitive ability and intellect begin to get into a conflict with their inner instinct. 

 

But this is a malformed instinct. 

 

It's strange and fascinating how the human instinct evolves to cope for survival. There seems to be an auto generated DNA induced blueprint in our brains that will inhabit a particular instinct and modify it to fit it into our survival instinct pattern so that it eventually benefits us in the long run no matter how immoral vicious and unkempt foul this particular instinct can appear.

 

Thats a fascinating clue into my psyche and human survival instinct 

 

 

Social mind is not a conceived brain per individual alive. Ponder on that awhile.