Rape dreams(trigger warning)

[Reena]

Trigger warning 

 

I'm suffering from a problem since over a year now. I constantly get dreams where I have been or being raped. I don't understand why this happens. If anyone has any clue. My reactions to me being raped are two fold - one is where I feel helpless, desperate and pity my self. And it's like some kind of a reliving my helplessness. Like a negative reaction to it. And the second reaction is where I am feeling secure in the arms of the rapist. I know it sounds very absurd. I have spoken to my psychiatrist about this but they simply tried to gloss over it. The security feeling is like this - I feel the rapist would give me food, shelter, clothing, water in return for getting his way with me. I don't understand this feeling. But I don't feel like retaliating him. I don't feel like punishing him. Or escaping him. 

 

 

In my mind the feelings - "I deserve to be raped because nobody wanted me. This is rightfully what should happen to children like me who were abandoned." And then I feel like as long as I serve the needs of the rapist, I don't have to worry about my survival. 

 

What's the root cause of such feelings that make me feel stuck in some type of victimhood story? 

 

Any ideas are welcome. I wasn't sexually abused as a child. 

 

Edited November 11, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

The worst part of this is that I associate rape with security. Why is this absurd corelation in my head when I should literally be thinking the opposite? 

 

Rape should have created the sense of panic and fear and or "fight mode" in me but it does the opposite. 

 

It's not soothing yet it feels like the rapist wants me, thus ensuring my survival. 

What complex feelings and beliefs or root emotions are breeding these weird mental patterns?

 

 

[Reena]

@Phil can you tell me why I associate dangerous things with the feeling of security when it's literally the opposite? 

[Reena]

Is this because rape means power? 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Reena said:

@Phil can you tell me why I associate dangerous things with the feeling of security when it's literally the opposite? 

 

1 hour ago, Reena said:

Is this because rape means power? 

You’re very ‘on’ in thinking this through. Definitely in the right ballpark. I have to feel and frankly, speculate, but here’s my two cents…

 

Seems to mean, as in offers a momentary but fleeting relief, yes. The primary pathological theme or drive is power, though it’s not necessarily a conscious motive, largely due to suppression of emotion (guidance).

 

Power has been distorted or twisted in childhood, and thus there is a mental ‘disposition’ when coming of age, which can seem convincing like ‘it’s just how I am’. The twist makes aspects like personality, individuality & identity extremely difficult in terms of clarity.

 

While a generalization, the ‘position one is in’ could be said to be feeling fully and transmuting, or, in lieu of transmutation (self-realization)… seeking resolve to the twisting / distortion (suffering) in an objective reality or, experience(s), and or in matter of psychological will & control. When the latter is most unfortunately sought, the further one goes, the farther and more out of sight the prior can seem to be. 

 

The seeking of power in an objective reality is unknowingly a playing out of unacknowledged powerlessness as refuted guidance, in direct regard to, the ongoing twisting of personality, identity, etc. Powerlessness and neglect are the same or similar in terms of frequency, though the former is felt and the latter is thinking which is felt. Until the frequency is changed, the seeking to exert control, authority & superiority persists. Imo it would also be accurate to say conceptually inferiority in terms of the ‘twisted’ personality aspect, and emotionally insecurity as guidance, are playing out in the same manor. 

 

The power pathology is akin to control, and therein plays out as mental & emotional manipulation of others, as so called objective reality or experience(s). Simply put, objectification, without recognition of a ‘pay back’ playing out. As it’s amply convincing the “sense” of inferiority, insecurity, neglect and powerlessness came from other in childhood… it can seem logical to seek this out from others in adulthood. To ‘take’ what one wasn’t ‘given’. The ‘should have been given to me’, plays out as the justifications & rationalizations to ‘take it from others’, by ruthless means.

 

As if this ‘twisted’ factor wasn’t difficult & traumatic enough, fear and helplessness can be interweaved when the same dynamics were experienced in perception, on behalf of another  - when the same or very similar traumas are seen to be inflicted upon someone else. 

 

Will is often a central theme of great mystery as a result, often a primarily driver of one’s interests and endeavors, with again not per se a conscious awareness of the underlying motive to impose “one’s will” over ‘others’. (The seeming lack of consciousness / awareness is of course in actuality emotional suppression).  

 

Relationships are often experienced as extremely one-sided, yet this is unseen via suppression, and relationships are therefore side-benched in favor of transactional encounters that revolve around sensation, stimulation, will & control, especially when there was neglect. Without receiving the guidance of emotion, and allowing transmutation, it can seem as if one is experiencing anything from ADD to OCD from an outside perspective, or really any of countless diagnoses people have come up with which typically center around an assumed lack of focus, and a pigeonholing of the actions and behaviors that follow, based on a false, and assumed “sense” of knowing, such as academically.  

 

Often sexuality is focused upon relentlessly, without conscious recognition that it is, in hopes of finding a resolve to the suffering, in the overlooking or even refuting of the (infallible) guidance within. 

 

Topics like emotions, let alone as guidance, and empathy and compassion can be extremely difficult without cognitive recognition that transmutation, or, metamorphosis is real, available, the way, and entire possible for anyone. There are references gong back as far as the Bible in this regard, such as ‘ye of little faith’ and ‘move mountains’, in regard to the infallibility and perfection of God-Love. The ‘one step at a time’ aspect is crucial, while the mind is reeling ‘in time’ or, twisted / anywhere but present (hence the separate self of thought in terms of conditioning & trauma).

 

Post-transmutation - the ‘wiring’ in terms of thoughts, emotion and therein clarity shed on the ‘drives’ & ‘motives’ and connections in terms of relationships, empathy, compassion and the like, fill in naturally, as the true nature, and only the true nature, transmutes. 

 

 

My best speculation as to why you associate dangerous things with the feeling of security is - for the same reason everyone does, when seen from a far enough or zoomed out lens. Why does a person use heroine to the brink of death? Why does one bungee jump springing back up mere feet from the ground? Why does one sky dive? Why do we like roller coasters? 

 

It is because there is, in truth, no “death”. There is only God’s-ever-lasting, unconditional perfection and love. Anyone experiencing a nightmare seeks to awaken, isn’t it so? One seeks in accordance with collective conditioning, that is, one seeks in an “objective reality”, what is in truth within them all along. Thus one must be willing to not think as the herd, and to allow thought to align with feeling, and not the reverse, and acknowledge and find out for themself - that there is Guidance, and it is Good, and is in fact, Nondual. 

 

[Orb]

17 minutes ago, Phil said:

 

You’re very ‘on’ in thinking this through. Definitely in the right ballpark. I have to feel and frankly, speculate, but here’s my two cents…

 

Seems to mean, as in offers a momentary but fleeting relief, yes. The primary pathological theme or drive is power, though it’s not necessarily a conscious motive, largely due to suppression of emotion (guidance).

 

Power has been distorted or twisted in childhood, and thus there is a mental ‘disposition’ when coming of age, which can seem convincing like ‘it’s just how I am’. The twist makes aspects like personality, individuality & identity extremely difficult in terms of clarity.

 

While a generalization, the ‘position one is in’ could be said to be feeling fully and transmuting, or, in lieu of transmutation (self-realization)… seeking resolve to the twisting / distortion (suffering) in an objective reality or, experience(s), and or in matter of psychological will & control. When the latter is most unfortunately sought, the further one goes, the farther and more out of sight the prior can seem to be. 

 

The seeking of power in an objective reality is unknowingly a playing out of unacknowledged powerlessness as refuted guidance, in direct regard to, the ongoing twisting of personality, identity, etc. Powerlessness and neglect are the same or similar in terms of frequency, though the former is felt and the latter is thinking which is felt. Until the frequency is changed, the seeking to exert control, authority & superiority persists. Imo it would also be accurate to say conceptually inferiority in terms of the ‘twisted’ personality aspect, and emotionally insecurity as guidance, are playing out in the same manor. 

 

The power pathology is akin to control, and therein plays out as mental & emotional manipulation of others, as so called objective reality or experience(s). Simply put, objectification, without recognition of a ‘pay back’ playing out. As it’s amply convincing the “sense” of inferiority, insecurity, neglect and powerlessness came from other in childhood… it can seem logical to seek this out from others in adulthood. To ‘take’ what one wasn’t ‘given’. The ‘should have been given to me’, plays out as the justifications & rationalizations to ‘take it from others’, by ruthless means.

 

As if this ‘twisted’ factor wasn’t difficult & traumatic enough, fear and helplessness can be interweaved when the same dynamics were experienced in perception, on behalf of another  - when the same or very similar traumas are seen to be inflicted upon someone else. 

 

Will is often a central theme of great mystery as a result, often a primarily driver of one’s interests and endeavors, with again not per se a conscious awareness of the underlying motive to impose “one’s will” over ‘others’. (The seeming lack of consciousness / awareness is of course in actuality emotional suppression).  

 

Relationships are often experienced as extremely one-sided, yet this is unseen via suppression, and relationships are therefore side-benched in favor of transactional encounters that revolve around sensation, stimulation, will & control, especially when there was neglect. Without receiving the guidance of emotion, and allowing transmutation, it can seem as if one is experiencing anything from ADD to OCD from an outside perspective, or really any of countless diagnoses people have come up with which typically center around an assumed lack of focus, and a pigeonholing of the actions and behaviors that follow, based on a false, and assumed “sense” of knowing, such as academically.  

 

Often sexuality is focused upon relentlessly, without conscious recognition that it is, in hopes of finding a resolve to the suffering, in the overlooking or even refuting of the (infallible) guidance within. 

 

Topics like emotions, let alone as guidance, and empathy and compassion can be extremely difficult without cognitive recognition that transmutation, or, metamorphosis is real, available, the way, and entire possible for anyone. There are references gong back as far as the Bible in this regard, such as ‘ye of little faith’ and ‘move mountains’, in regard to the infallibility and perfection of God-Love. 

 

Post-transmutation, the ‘wiring’ in term of thought, emotion and therein the ‘drives’ & ‘motives’ and connections in terms of relationships, empathy, compassion and the like, fill in naturally, as the true nature, and only the true nature, transmutes. 

 

 

My best speculation as to why you associate dangerous things with the feeling of security is - for the same reason everyone does, when seen from a far enough or zoomed out lens. Why does a person use heroine to the brink of death? When does one bungee jump springing back up mere feet from the ground? Why does one sky dive? Why do we like roller coasters? 

 

It is because there is, in truth, no “death”. There is only God’s-ever-lasting, unconditional perfection and love. Anyone experiencing a nightmare seeks to awaken, isn’t it so? One seeks in accordance with collective conditioning, that is, one seeks in an “objective reality”, what is in truth within them all along. Thus one must be willing to not think as the herd, and to allow thought to align with feeling, and not the reverse, and acknowledge and find out for themself - that there is Guidance, and it is Good, and is in fact, Nondual. 

 

This is really good. 👌

[Reena]

@Orb can you explain in simple ways what @Phil said because it went over my head. I did not understand what he was saying. 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

My own interpretation of my rape dreams - 

 

I think there's a strong component of power association/dissociation going on. It seems like if someone was severely bullied in childhood (which I was), there was a nexus of power established between me and the bully like a bully contract. According to the terms of this contract, my own submission to the bully was equated with my survival. Survival was only possible by pleasing the bully. Satisfaction was reached when the bully was happy. They didn't give me any trouble. This became the survival dynamic in the early years of childhood. 

This established a power-surrender system and feedback loop. Whenever such surrender to the power was achieved, it meant ceasefire and thus relief. This relief meant a "peaceful survival." In Hinduism intercourse is defined as "sanbhog" or "mutual eating."  I think by offering myself as a food to the rapist, it's like seeking the permission of the Devil. Or offering oneself as food to the Devil till they are satisfied. 

 

There are self-sacrificial elements involved. 

 

[Reena]

Just now, Reena said:

There are self-sacrificial elements involved. 

The bully power nexus aspects get reiterated in adulthood in the sexual context, where the same dynamic as childhood has to be played out. 

This also involves aspects of surrender, submission to the power of something. Slavish aspects! 

 

 

[Reena]

Interpretation 2.

 

Sadism, power, control, submission. 

The rapist is seen as a bully. A controller. Sadist. Exploitative. 

 

[Reena]

Interpretation 3.

Rape also involves intense aggression. 

It means some sort of intense aggression has been involved in childhood. Elements of aggression and control. 

 

[Reena]

Interpretation 4

Validation and comfort seeking

Why do I seek the validation of the rapist in my dreams? 

Because in childhood I was supposed to be seeking the validation of an authority figure in a disdainful less respectful ways. 

The rapist is seen as someone very powerful. 

The need to seek the validation of someone so powerful is a source of relief. 

The mind that has been subjected to control seeks excitement in a power differential that is bigger than that found during childhood. 

 

 

[Reena]

Interpretation 5

 

Being validated by the rapist. This is temporary and sets up a very addictive dynamic. This is mental addiction. Just like an addict is looking for a high and then feels stimulated to the high of porn or sugar, initially there is dopamine release. The brain is in the stimulated state. Then it calms down and the stimulation hormones are low. Addiction means the arousal for stimulation happens frequently. Once it has died down, this need remains temporarily satiated until the beast arises again like hunger. Like the addiction to sugar. Once the deprivation is reached, the body once again looks for a high and another "shot." To feel better or excited. Once again the mental addiction to look for the validation of the rapist. The rapist's validation becomes a drug. In order to be validated by him, there has to be submitting to his predation once again. It doesn't feel good if he is unhappy. His satisfaction and validation is the high. 

 

There's a particular slave mentality involved here. "please the master" mentality. 

 

 

[Orb]

@Reena essentially that the theme of the dream is power, and that the desire to have power over others comes from the reaction to the feeling of powerlessness. 

 

i would read what @Phil said again out loud a few times, he pretty much hit the nail on the head, and he has more patience than me when it comes to typing out long posts lol. 

[Reena]

6 minutes ago, Reena said:

Interpretation 5

 

Being validated by the rapist. This is temporary and sets up a very addictive dynamic. This is mental addiction. Just like an addict is looking for a high and then feels stimulated to the high of porn or sugar, initially there is dopamine release. The brain is in the stimulated state. Then it calms down and the stimulation hormones are low. Addiction means the arousal for stimulation happens frequently. Once it has died down, this need remains temporarily satiated until the beast arises again like hunger. Like the addiction to sugar. Once the deprivation is reached, the body once again looks for a high and another "shot." To feel better or excited. Once again the mental addiction to look for the validation of the rapist. The rapist's validation becomes a drug. In order to be validated by him, there has to be submitting to his predation once again. It doesn't feel good if he is unhappy. His satisfaction and validation is the high. 

 

There's a particular slave mentality involved here. "please the master" mentality. 

 

 

I found that this particular aspect was very powerful in my rape dreams. The master slave equation. It was really important to please the master to an addictive degree. It just didn't feel right if this wasn't reached. Like withdrawal symptoms. This addiction to punishment. Everytime I did not feel punished by the rapist, I felt intense frustration and upset, tiredness and feelings of guilt, emptiness or something lacking or insecurity. 

Did not want to be invalidated by the rapist. 

 

[Reena]

1 minute ago, Reena said:

I found that this particular aspect was very powerful in my rape dreams. The master slave equation. It was really important to please the master to an addictive degree. It just didn't feel right if this wasn't reached. Like withdrawal symptoms. This addiction to punishment. Everytime I did not feel punished by the rapist, I felt intense frustration and upset, tiredness and feelings of guilt, emptiness or something lacking or insecurity. 

Did not want to be invalidated by the rapist. 

 

Yea these feelings mimicked withdrawal symptoms. These felt like apathy, listless, dull, bored, lack of motivation, even depressed. Feeling like I'm useless to the rapist. What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he doesn't crave me anymore? Fear of invalidation and abandonment. What if he abandoned me? I would feel terrible. 

 

Whatever self worth I felt, it came from serving myself to him. Being his "food." 

 

He gave me that validation by making me feel wanted even though through coerced means. 

 

It's someone powerful not validating me anymore. He is not satisfied or I didn't do a good job at pleasing him. 

 

[Reena]

Interpretation 6

I think my frustration is arising from not being able to integrate this aspect in my life. This rape fantasy aspect. This is a loveless form of sex where the rapist has never shown me tender love or care but used me sexually and made me feel used, humiliated or attacked.

This "attacked" aspect of my life. 

It's difficult to find peace with this aspect. 

I think I should not let it be buried in my subconscious and never address it. Rather integrate it into my life and forgive the rapist for what he does to me in my dreams. 

 

 

[Reena]

Interpretation 7

The aspects of being raped are also associated with the Gaza war or any kind of war. That's why I relate so much to the war. The death of innocence. Knowing that your enemy lives with you. 

 

I think in this rape ideology, I'm imagining that I should forgive my enemy for their unfairness to me. For my own powerlessness. 

 

The resistence to rape will only make it worse. Surrender to it. 

Although it's not an enjoyable experience, it also feels deeply unfair that I'm not being loved. 

Yet. This lovelessness is my shadow. 

 

I expect the rapist to love me. But I have become addicted to his hate. 

 

In his hate I should find love.. 

 

[Reena]

Just now, Reena said:

Interpretation 7

The aspects of being raped are also associated with the Gaza war or any kind of war. That's why I relate so much to the war. The death of innocence. Knowing that your enemy lives with you. 

 

I think in this rape ideology, I'm imagining that I should forgive my enemy for their unfairness to me. For my own powerlessness. 

 

The resistence to rape will only make it worse. Surrender to it. 

Although it's not an enjoyable experience, it also feels deeply unfair that I'm not being loved. 

Yet. This lovelessness is my shadow. 

 

I expect the rapist to love me. But I have become addicted to his hate. 

 

In his hate I should find love.. 

 

So I think other fundamental aspect of my rape dreams is that it shows a shadow of love and hate intermingly. 

 

 

I'm associating the rape with me being hated. And I should open my heart to this hate in a Jesus Christ kind of manner. 

 

My rape and rapist is my shadow aspect. Even in this shadow aspect I'm looking for love and not able to make sense of the animosity I have been shown. 

 

What is the rapist saying to me - "I'll destroy you. I'll make you my sex slave. I'll own you. I will torture you." 

He is establishing a chemistry with me but a sado masochistic one. A controlled one. 

His power and viciousness is what I'm attracted to because there in lies my security for life at least in a fictional way. 

 

 

[Reena]

 

 

Interpretation 8

 

I'll call this the wild boar aspect of my life. A shadow aspect. This wild boar is a predator.. 

 

This wild boar is a bully. He is a perpetrator. He is oppression. Slavery. 

 

It could be that my ancestry involved slavery and these aspects of slavery were lodged into my subconscious and they continued through samsara or birth cycle. 

And they haunt me now in my dreams.