Apathy

[fopylo]

Have been feeling apathy lately.

I am desensitized to my surrounding.

I don't get excited much from anime as I used to,

it's really as though I am just pushing deep emotion aside and believing in myself instead...

I cover it up with "I am simply on my own journey, and one day..." Never - an illusion.

I am not excited to see family that much.

 

I used to watch Naruto and enjoy it, really feeling it, getting into it and inspired me to dream and have aspirations in different aspects of my life. Now I watch Naruto and there's not much excitement. I feel like I've grown to a somewhat depressed adult. Although this also might be because I'm doing a re-watch to it (well, technically, watching a reaction channel of a guy that I like).

 

I don't think anymore in terms of 'aspects' of my life, at least not in an inspiring/dream way.

Man I've been constantly playing roles my whole life. It's so scary to be real with people. It's scary to tell my friends that I don't like something that they did to me. Heck, I get social anxiety even meeting friends of mine. I try to hide it sometimes because I believe it's ridiculous to show that I'm anxious next to friends (situations where it doesn't make sense for people to be anxious).

 

I am scared. I do create enemies sometimes. None of that "you have no enemies" bullshit (in the sense I acted as though I stand by it when I actually don't).

 

I am coming across old memories at times,

memories of an inspired person to chase childish dreams,

dreams that chime nostalgia,

pushed aside by the narrator.

 

I don't remember anymore how it is to be grounded anymore, how to feel, how to speak honestly. I have a hard time talking real. Always the fear of 1) someone cutting me off 2) ignoring me 3) offending me.

 

I've started getting into dream journaling. I do it when I have time.

 

I am in a rut. Same thing I work everyday.

I wish to go back to those days of feeling.

I have a good surrounding around me though at work ngl, and this is at least the good part.

I'm being called "cute", still, and it is probably my insecure behavior which looks cute.

 

Anyways, this was a bit of a rant. I haven't been here for a while. Perhaps I should journal more to help this "issue" (or however I should call it)...?

 

Thanks for reading

Edited October 6, 2023 by fopylo

[fopylo]

Ok I can certainly say I feel a bit more connected after writing this, and I unlocked the ability to feel a bit more, dive in a bit more...

[fopylo]

It's like taking a break from the mental rut for a bit, and then getting back into the activity, but without so much of the mental rut part

[Mandy]

@fopylo Hope you're safe, everything can change so quickly. 

[Phil]

 

Seems like there’s childhood innocence, potential & creativity. Like it’s just there without having to think anything or do anything to feel that way. Wether life is worthwhile, how it’s gonna go, what I need to do and not do, be and not be, etc - isn’t even a thing. Doesn’t even come to mind as kids.

 

Then growing up seems to happen right under our own noses and there’s awareness of what people think, being liked or not, fitting in or not, being respectable / respected or not, appreciating or appreciated or not - and the importance of these aspects in my succeeding, my thriving, my happiness.

 

Then it hit’s you one day, what happen to the intrinsic innocence, the possibilities, the being inspired, motivated, creative, actually interested and enthused without having to get, understand or do something to feel that again… not needing some practice, or to have to find some insight or wisdom… to get inspired, motivated, creative, enthused - happy - like I or maybe life used to be. Like seriously, what gives, what even happened really? When did this change even happen? What even changed exactly!? What did I do? Where’d I go off track? Did I attract this? How do I get it back? I can’t be a kid in this world of adults, that obviously won’t work, but I wanna feel that way with every fiber of my being.

 

That was what made it all worthwhile, without having to think about it or do anything for it all to feel worthwhile. Maybe a longing arises… isn’t there someone that can sincerely actually understand me and what I’m going through? Isn’t there someone out there who actually really does care about me, loves me just for me, just for how I am not what I do for them or who I am for them? Isn’t there someone who can see through their selfishness!? Is it me!? Do I need to do that? And really, like seriously what the hell is this spirituality and God stuff actually all about!? Would be great if that made any sense at all. Just seems like life is always a chasing and never really a getting. Honestly seems cruel in a way. Like an unfair impossibility. Like I’ve more or less been tricked, duped, bamboozled by my own weird, somewhat cruel and largely distasteful joke. 

 

 

[fopylo]

@Phil OMG I just now read it. This is really beautiful. This is exactly a description of my life LOL. Dude... ok, so what now? Like where is this going?

[Phil]

@fopylo

🙏🏼 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Dude... ok, so what now? Like where is this going?

The Truth. 

[fopylo]

@Phil In regard to apathy... there are some days like today that I literally don't do anything except scrolling on Instagram and checking Whatsapp... here and there grabbing something to eat. Quite depressing. There are those days. Today was one of them.

I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, such a wasteful day. I know there are some good days of going on a run or having a laugh with friends... but today was just not it.

Cold days are approaching - wore a sweater for the first time this season, and it filled me up with memories of the winter character - the more lonely, fantasizing romance, sentimental, less confident, more emotional, more in my "villain arc"... My laptop also crashed today which is a shame.

 

I must say though, Phil, that I've started to get back into meditation.

There's a wonderful video I think you should see:

 

She gets it spot on for me. I expect it to feel good. I expect it to be easy (you yourself say to sit and simply focus on the breath). It's a lot of being comfortable with the uncomfortable, rather than trying to become comfortable and building expectations.

But I do remember how my head, forehead and eyes used to hurt from meditation, really tense, as well as the diaphragm.

I also don't want to turn it into a habit that "I must do or else...", however, I didn't do this morning and could perhaps be the reason for the fucked up day I had up until now (it's almost midnight already). I'll probably do a quick session now before I have a shower

 

[Phil]

Meditation ranges from easy to hard as conditioning ranges. Like snowflakes. Writing in a journal and using the emotional scale are the perfect complimentary tools to meditation. I would never try to ‘push through’ meditation. For anything that comes up which is ‘more’ than just returning attention back to feeling breathing, I’d write about it in the journal. I wouldn’t think of it as an interruption or any kind of shortcoming whatsoever. It’s exactly what you want to come up and out, and meditation & expression helps the process. What’s on the dreamboard is the ‘why’ why why do anyone of it at all. That and of course self-realization, well-being and allowing true happiness. 

 

It might sound critical, but certainly isn’t meant that way… Notice ‘the story’…

12 minutes ago, fopylo said:

there are some days like today that I literally don't do anything except scrolling on Instagram and checking Whatsapp... here and there grabbing something to eat. Quite depressing. There are those days. Today was one of them.

I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, such a wasteful day. I know there are some good days of going on a run or having a laugh with friends... but today was just not it.

Cold days are approaching - wore a sweater for the first time this season, and it filled me up with memories of the winter character - the more lonely, fantasizing romance, sentimental, less confident, more emotional, more in my "villain arc"... My laptop also crashed today which is a shame.

Instead of buying into ‘the story’ - acknowledge thoughts as thoughts. 

Then notice you are present / presence. 

Then look at the scale and see which emotion is most likely being experienced. 

 

Apathy could be thought of as ‘the story’. The other-than meditation, expression, an dreamboard and acknowledging emotions experienced. 

 

Might be ahead of things, idk, but all is synchronistic. The laptop going out might actually be what you want, but might not seem like what you want at first. That might sound crazy, but the more one zooms out and see’s the bigger picture… combined with clearly seeing what’s wanted on the dreamboard… the more the synchronicity is seen. It really is amazing experience wise to experience a reaction, feel the discord, listen to the guidance & feel the alignment, and see that ‘even this shitstorm too’, is actually… what’s wanted. When the dots connect to the shitstorm and the bigger picture, and that that is this working out perfectly, it’s truly amazing and most worthwhile. I think you’re on the ‘right track’ buddy. Stay present. 🙂

 

 

[fopylo]

23 minutes ago, Phil said:

Meditation ranges from easy to hard as conditioning ranges.

@Phil you mean the more I focus on my story the harder it will be to meditate?

 

25 minutes ago, Phil said:

would never try to ‘push through’ meditation.

But isn't it true that meditation isn't supposed to always be easy and feel good? Isn't it sitting with all those painful thoughts...?

 

27 minutes ago, Phil said:

For anything that comes up which is ‘more’ than just returning attention back to feeling breathing, I’d write about it in the journal. I wouldn’t think of it as an interruption or any kind of shortcoming whatsoever.

I see this as a loss. It is a shame to cut short your session without planning so. It hurts and makes the process seem like a hassle. Hell, my head hurts writing this bringing me back to those days I've meditated before and had my head so tensed that I just had to stop the practice.

 

33 minutes ago, Phil said:

It might sound critical, but certainly isn’t meant that way… Notice ‘the story’…

Feel free to roast me as long as you make sure I get the joke afterwards lol

 

38 minutes ago, Phil said:

I think you’re on the ‘right track’ buddy. Stay present. 🙂

Nothing from what you said concludes this message for me.

I just want to live a happy normal life for a 21 year old

[Phil]

4 hours ago, fopylo said:

you mean the more I focus on my story the harder it will be to meditate?

Conditioning varies. 

 

4 hours ago, fopylo said:

But isn't it true that meditation isn't supposed to always be easy and feel good? Isn't it sitting with all those painful thoughts...?

Pain is bodily. That would be suffering. There’s no way which meditations feels. What’s felt is what’s coming up & out, if in fact anything is. 

 

4 hours ago, fopylo said:

I see this as a loss. It is a shame to cut short your session without planning so. It hurts and makes the process seem like a hassle. Hell, my head hurts writing this bringing me back to those days I've meditated before and had my head so tensed that I just had to stop the practice.

Meditation is deeply relaxing. 

 

4 hours ago, fopylo said:

Nothing from what you said concludes this message for me.

Might be related to how meditation is mentally framed up or thought of. Might also be something coming up and out. 

 

4 hours ago, fopylo said:

I just want to live a happy normal life for a 21 year old

Then the key is not believing this is comparable to that. 

[fopylo]

@Phil

18 hours ago, Phil said:

Conditioning varies. 

What do you mean

 

18 hours ago, Phil said:

23 hours ago, fopylo said:

I just want to live a happy normal life for a 21 year old

Then the key is not believing this is comparable to that. 

?

[Phil]

7 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Phil

What do you mean

Easier & harder are subjective. 

 

7 hours ago, fopylo said:

 

?

You’re wanting to live a normal happy life. It’s like a veil. A comparison between this, and that idea of not this, but rather a happy normal life. The key is not believing this, this actual experience, is actually being compared to a that other actual experience. One’s this, the other’s an idea.

[Phil]

@Phil

Same for ‘selves’… one’s present and aware… the other’s an idea. A subject. In time. Another idea.