How can I help my mother?

[ivankiss]

She is one of the strongest people I know, but she's not doing well. She's only 45 and already has signs of serious health issues. She got diagnosed with diabetes at age 30. Her nervous system is totally fucked. It's all a result of an extremely stressful way of living. She nearly worked herself to death. Already fell into a coma once, but by some miracle was found in time and was able to be 'brought back'. It was a long and difficult recovery. She had barely 45kgs when she came out of the hospital.

 

She's a fighter, but I can see in her eyes she's becoming more and more afraid. And so am I for her. It's quite heavy on the heart at times.

 

She's just been to a doctor for a ruthin check today, which she was avoiding for a long time. The biggest concern is that's she's losing sensation in her feet. She has a lot of pain in her legs and is taking strong medication. She still works a lot and somehow manages to push through it, but by the end of the day she can barely walk. It could be said she's a hardcore workaholic. Though she does work less now then before. Her body simply can't take it anymore.

 

I don't know if there's anything I can do to help her. She's extremely stubborn and I doubt she'd accept any suggestions I may have to offer, but I guess it's worth a try.

 

I cannot shake the idea that her condition is a result of all that build up trauma and whatnot that she has been running away from her whole life. That's why her nervous system is on fire and that's why she got diabetes too. She was never overweight or anything. She's still relatively fit and loves to walk a lot. Running or working out is not an option anymore. And she used to love that.

 

She's vegan, eats very clean and healthy. So that's not an issue. Her psychology is concerning though. Doesn't deal with emotions properly and lashes out frequently. Here and there says something that indicates she's having suicidal thoughts. I can tell she is just so exhausted and in a sense is losing the will to live. 

 

I'd suggest her some kind of therapy. Both physical and psychological. But I'm pretty sure she would be resistant. 

 

Is there anything I can do to help? Or are my hands tied here?

 

 

[Mandy]

🤗❤️ Try to see her in the best of lights and love her. The most important thing (that doesn't seem important) is that you feel love for her. When we look at someone and feel bad because we don't like what we see, we are focusing on something unwanted. It's actually as simple as watching your own thoughts rather than needing the right things to fix the circumstances for someone else. Love is unconditional. WE are unconditional.

 

As for action steps, I'd say she is severally lacking in self love. If it's received and feels right, maybe encourage any sort of self love stuff for her or point out the value in it. For example suggesting she make a list of things she likes doing and making a point to do something from the list for herself everyday. Not a list of stuff for getting fit, not for getting anywhere or anything, not for getting better but just for pleasure.  Sometimes this is a good way to get your toes in the water to do something like making a dreamboard and start really living and dreaming again.  When we tap into pleasure/enjoyment/love crazy things happen. Who knows. Of course going full circle back to my original statement, do this for YOU when you look at/think of her. Another great practice for this if it's challenging is the Buddhist practice of tonglen. 

[Faith]

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

The biggest concern is that's she's losing sensation in her feet. She has a lot of pain in her legs

 

So, I'm a nurse, so I'll address the medical points that I see. What you describe is called "Diabetic peripheral neuropathy" it is a direct result of the diabetes. 

 

If sugars are not running within "normal" limits, then the blood becomes increasingly sticky, like syrup and when this happens it is harder for the heart to pump the blood into the small little capillaries of the extremities, eyes and kidneys. The high blood sugar also can in itself damage the nerves over time. 

 

So, although you say your mom eats healthy, does she actually watch her sweets and count her carbs at each meal and snack?  Also, is she aware that exercise or intense work  can raise her blood sugar by making it harder for her muscle cells to use insulin.

 

So, I would suggest she takes her BS readings before each meal and at bedtime. If she isn't already and keep a BS diary to be able to track it. Has she had an A1C recently? I would also advise that her work/life balance is very important for diabetics and she needs proper rest daily. 

 

Along with this, of course balance in other areas of life would also most beneficial, such as stress reduction and managing one's thoughts/emotions as best as possible. 

 

💙

[ivankiss]

Thank you both. Appreciate both sides of the coin, so to speak.

 

It's easy to not get disturbed by everything when I'm away, but anytime I visit her or she visits me, it's hard to ignore the suffering in her eyes and keep a positive view on things.

 

We also have tons of unresolved shit from our past. There's definitely some sort of trauma bond between us. Hence real, direct and peaceful communication is impossible. Addressing our core wounds seems even less possible. It leaves me with this idea that there's nothing I can do but stay away. Which then usually comes with feeling guilty and whatnot.

 

Just tried to talk to her earlier and we ended up fighting over nothing. So that kinda answers my question I guess.

 

I think the only thing I can really do is focus on my own wellbeing and pray for hers.

[Faith]

2 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I think the only thing I can really do is focus on my own wellbeing and pray for hers.

 

Yes, many times this is the best and only answer.  I've been there, as I had a mother that was an alcoholic. You try and try, but sometimes there's nothing that you can do. 

 

💙

 

[Phil]

@ivankiss

Sorry to hear. As far as her regular doctor, I’d have them look specifically at adrenal & thyroid and consider medication. I’d also suggest to her to see a wholistic doctor and a reiki master. 

 

On the more personal side, ‘blood does blind’. My two cents would be to just be a son with his mum, just ‘hold space’ when with her and see & feel only the truth, and suggest she try many different approaches & resources, without really ‘pushing’ anything much. 

 

I’ll pm you info on a specific wholistic doctor who does phone consultations. He’s like no other doctor or person I’ve ever experienced. Truly remarkable. 

 

Much love man, wishing you both the best through this. 🙏 

 

[ivankiss]

@Phil Appreciate it man.

 

Holding space is what I do most often, indeed. But there are times when it 'gets to me'.

 

As I said above, she's extremely resistant to anything I or anyone else has to suggest to her. She is quite deep in denial on one hand, and is running away from her issues, and on the other hand it's catch up with her and it's getting difficult for her to ignore everything. I know she's scared. She broke down in tears yesterday after seeing the doctor. 

 

Let's hope for the best. Thanks again everyone.

[Loop]

@ivankiss

I feel for ya, my mom is around the same age & has lot of health problems. She was put on all these different prescription drugs for mutliple different issues. The drugs ended up interacting with each other negatively in her body and she hasn't really been the same since. Low energy, always complaining about being in pain, scattered thinking. 

 

She is always so focused on helping my younger siblings out that she doesn't spend time to focus on her own health, usually says she is too tired to, and is also very stubborn when it comes to changing lifestyle.

 

Thanks to all the moms sacrificing themselves for their children! Don't forget to take care of yourselves too!  ❤

 

 

[ivankiss]

@Serenity Thank you. A book would be a nice gesture. I'm trying to open her mind up a bit to 'alternative methods' of healing. It's all pretty much woo woo to her, for now haha!

 

@Loop Indeed. Wish you and your family the best. Much love.

[Loop]

@ivankiss

Thanks, much love to you and your family as well 🙏