Completely heartbroken, where do you go

[WhiteOwl]

I had a another crash last weekend with the girl i am seeing for the third time over 3 years. I used this week to really feel into my heart and try to understand. A lot of feeling was felt, and then at some point it just snapped yesterday after i came home after being with her. It won't work romantically for us, i don't have the feeling for that, and i never did. She is so amazing, and i've been trying to force feelings for her and trying to manipulate feeling in all sorts of ways, feeling a lot of frustration and struggle. I couldn't stop crying once i started feeling into it, and my heart really hurt and still does. She came over and i told her about it. She used to be very in love with me, but she is also sobering up now after all this up and down. She used a lot of energy trying to get over me during last breakup. We had great sex once again and she left in the morning. 

Giving in and accepting again and again that it wont work just instantly makes me cry unstoppable. 

She is so great and amazing, and thoughts keep coming up with reasons for it to maybe work out again and again. "Now if the perspective really changes, maybe something real can happen". "What if.."

We have some intimate connection that i can't believe finding with someone else.. When imagining another relationship i feel pain in my heart, like something is unresolved with her. Thats also how i felt during the last 6 month where we didn't see or have real contact, when really imagining a new relationship.

Its good that it all makes sense and i am finally being honest to myself, and her. Going through a lot right now.

 

Where do you go from here? Should we see each other? I still love to have sex with her, and she does as well. Is that fine with open communication about what is going on. Can you have some sort of loving relationship with someone that is not romantic. Me forcing things was robbing all the possible joy. 

 

Any advice? Maybe someone been through something similar.

 

 

[Mandy]

In what way were/are you forcing things, what does that look like? Putting a happy face sticker over the gas gauge? Or how? 

[WhiteOwl]

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

In what way were/are you forcing things, what does that look like? Putting a happy face sticker over the gas gauge? Or how? 

I think so yes. Not enjoying as much as i was/am maybe pretending. Thats the thing, thinking about us now doesn't feel bad, but then when we are together i guess it just doesn't do it for me. And again or physical connection coupled with shared values and made/makes me want it. Looking back at our period doesn't look like flow, looks like a lot of "trying" to feel good about our situation. 

At the same time we never got the phase of really introducing her into my life with friends etc. But i think because i didn't feel it.

I feel some worry of throwing something out because of my own unresolved stuff. But maybe thats just another way of trying to make it work in thought. 

 

I am holding back a lot, i am realizing. I always did. 

 

Like yesterday being with her. Sometimes when she feels excited and explains something, i feel some discomfort. Cringe ish. Fun is hard that way. I haven't been able to enjoy myself.

 

Thoughts like "I am afraid to let her down" also very active. Noticing i am sometimes holding my breath being with her. I feel shame and guilt. Not exactly sure how it fits but i think its a reason that i might have had the breaks down.

Edited September 9, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[WhiteOwl]

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

In what way were/are you forcing things, what does that look like? Putting a happy face sticker over the gas gauge? Or how? 

Made me think. Trying to force some feeling that isn't there would be the most precise answer. Or feeling discouraged it isn't there. 

[Mandy]

The first day my husband and I started dating when we were 17, after being friends three years, the day was so much awkward cringeness, he pinched my fingers when he moved a desk,  that I got cold feet and I tried to break up with him. He was like "no." And I realized how dumb it was as a reaction. And we found a rhythm. Many times I think would much rather him be traditionally handsome and charming and not be inactive and not wear tube socks with shorts every fucking time he wears shorts, but his heart is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in a potential partner, ever, and maybe that's why the idea of us being together and felt so damn good hit me in a dream when I was 14 or something like that. He's a rock, so even keel, knowing what's right, so good at not wavering because of what others will think of him for doing and saying what he feels is right, and how I see his heart of gold is more important than the looks/charm I see as missing when I'm feeling less than myself. And even as the typical Libra, seduced and idolizing of beauty, so appreciative of charm and smoothness, and making my living as an artist, of course I fell in love with him. He is perfection.  Utter perfection to the Author which I see when I'm not wavering in insecurities. Your partner is supposed to help you grow, to help you slay your demons. They aren't supposed to please and charm and appeal at all times. I'm just as awkward as him, and if I can't forgive myself for it, I can't forgive him. I didn't come here to stick within the lines of what's acceptable or deemed cool by society and to force the person I love to do that as well. Especially when I've lived enough to see how that turns around ever 15 years or so. Or have seen how fickle people are. How fickle thought is. Or to see that they aren't thinking what I think they are, I'm thinking it. The socks are my problem. He just bought a package of 20 pairs of tube socks on Thursday by the way while I was taking my real estate exam. He woke up hours early before the sun rose to help me study the two hour drive to the testing center, and yet I think about the socks he bought? 😆

 

When I'm in the vortex, and I see him as exactly the perfection he is. 

 

When I feel  the guidance of doubt and I doubt. When I believe the thoughts I doubt myself. I doubt guidance from Source. I doubt him. I doubt our relationship. Yes cringe, is a turning back from, it's our own discord.

 

You will never, ever rid yourself of the guidance of doubt, but you can tend any relationship like a garden and make it into anything you ever dreamed. Just first tend to your own emotions. 

 

Don't put a happy face sticker over that gas gauge but also don't blame her for your own discord. Just get into the Vortex and THEN. It'll work out. Take the wait weight or decision off your shoulders. It ain't on you. It's fine to take some time alone, or do what you want to do on your own. Sometimes new relationships don't allow for that. 

 

We aren't fairytales princesses, we aren't the "hero" who rescues her, we're just fellow fuck ups and friends who magically share the same time space together. Even if you're 90 you're just a babe in the woods. 

 

I dunno, I'm crossing a major line here, but my gut is, she's the one. You're just in for more of an adventure than you planned, that can be wrapped up in a 2 hour movie with a boring predictable as fuck story line. Yay they love each other. Happily ever after. Yawn. Fuck that shit. You are the neither author and neither yet both the patron watching the finished show in the movie theatre, just relax and enjoy the show. Love is something more. Love is the energy that lights the screen not the chemistry between the lit up characters. It's over and done with and it hasn't happened yet. All the anticipation and all the release are yours here now. Happily ever before. 

[Mandy]

There just aren't any higher places. 

 

 

You can't be too good for anyone. You can't even be good. Feeling first. 

[Loop]

@Mandy  

 

That was such a heartwarming post about your partner. ❤️‍🔥

 

[Phil]

On 9/9/2023 at 10:38 AM, WhiteOwl said:

I still love to have sex with her, and she does as well. Is that fine with open communication about what is going on.

If it’s fine is only up to you and her isn’t it so? 

 

On 9/9/2023 at 10:38 AM, WhiteOwl said:

Can you have some sort of loving relationship with someone that is not romantic.

Totally. It’s only up to you! 

And of course ultimately no. 

🤍

 

On 9/9/2023 at 10:38 AM, WhiteOwl said:

Me forcing things was robbing all the possible joy

Not just ‘things’, forcing ‘others’ upon yourself is a real joy-sucker. Objectification is a drag. Kinda boring imo, or rather boredom is felt alongside the thought of materialism. 

[WhiteOwl]

@MandyThanks a lot for that story. It resonates a lot what you write. You are completely right about it being boring just getting the idea of what you want. She is the best teacher i will ever meet. Triggers everything in my shadow it seems. 

I am experiencing the biggest release of bodily tension and emotion last couple of days. 2 days of so intense crying from the heart, i had no idea i was capable of. I know it was gold so i let it all out (In the moment i really believed everything was over). Last 2 days some sort of purification is happening constantly. Sometimes so much that i have to hide in the bathroom of my work and stand bended forward with fully open mouth, drooling and saying wierd sounds. A bit scary and quite amazing to experience as i trust whatever comes up is good for me.

We (C and I) had an amazing night/day saturday/sunday where i felt very differently relaxed and myself. I'm done conceptualizing or thinking about where the relationship is going for now though. Enough thinking for a long time. 

I think i've had The hanged man coming up like 3 times while either doing a reading around her, and it also fell out twice, at times where i felt out of alignment thinking or being with her. Those cards are incredible. 

Feeling blessed right now.

 

@Phil 

59 minutes ago, Phil said:

 

Not just ‘things’, forcing ‘others’ upon yourself is a real joy-sucker. Objectification is a drag. Kinda boring imo, or rather boredom is felt alongside the thought of materialism. 

Yes. "Things" are slowly being let go of. I feel more on the path than ever. This was some sort of breakthrough. Thanks so much for it all. Starting to feel real excited for what is to come. 🙏