Tremendous anger

[Kevin]

So I’ve been coming off Xanax again and I’m on antibiotics. Antibiotics always seem to increase anxiety and depression. Lately I’ve been feeling lots of anger and rage. This is very new because there were many times in the past when I would go through the emotional scale where I would kind of go blank at anger and rage. Like I couldn’t come up with good reasons to feel those emotions.

 

Now i’m feeling tremendous anger and rage at a friend. And that anger has been kind of spreading everywhere and I feel a huge internal conflict where logically I don’t believe it is right to feel angry but I feel tremendous anger and rage anyway. For example my roommates dogs are pissing me off. One of them shit on the floor and the other tore up a bunch of stuff in the living room. Also one of them is so fucking needy. Any time I walk through I’m practically tripping over him.

 

logically I know their just dogs and they don’t know what they are doing but I experience so much frustration. Especially when I’m in a bad mood I just want to be left alone and that dog won’t leave me alone.

 

And then I’m super angry at my friend because I think she takes me for granted. And then part of me wants to suppress the anger because I’m friends with a lot of people through her. I’m worried about the fallout of my anger.

 

And then basically I feel so angry because I feel vulnerable. I’m trying to defend myself. It’s the only way I know how at this point.

 

I guess I don’t know what to do. I can narrate the whole thing but I’m sick of it. I don’t want to be hateful, angry, or resentful but that’s what I’m focused on. That’s what I think I need to focus on. But it’s clearly not working.

[Mandy]

Do you know why dogs tear stuff up, constantly act needy and shit in the floor? They aren't getting what they need. Most likely in that case, they aren't getting their exercise needs met and probably not as much love and time around the people that care for them. Instead they are being kept locked in a small area and taken for granted. 

 

What are you not getting that you need? 

 

How, (as unlike pets, you are your own keeper and no one is your master), are you possibly keeping yourself locked in a small area and taking yourself for granted? 

[Phil]

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

And then basically I feel so angry because I feel vulnerable. I’m trying to defend myself. It’s the only way I know how at this point.

The deeper beliefs, self referential thoughts, conditioning, or shadow is emptying, de conditioning, coming up and out. It’s bittersweet, normal & natural path wise that there is no one there who’s angry or that the anger is about, or vulnerable, let alone a friend to pin it on. If the antibiotic is steroidal that’s probably kicking the bodily & psychological aspects up a notch. 

[Kevin]

7 hours ago, Mandy said:

Do you know why dogs tear stuff up, constantly act needy and shit in the floor? They aren't getting what they need. Most likely in that case, they aren't getting their exercise needs met and probably not as much love and time around the people that care for them. Instead they are being kept locked in a small area and taken for granted. 

 

Those dogs definitely aren’t getting their needs met. I feel bad about it. Maybe a little guilty but they aren’t my dogs. I specifically do not want to get a dog at this stage in my life because I know I couldn’t give it the time and attention that it needs. My roommate has 2 and he’s gone everyday from 6:30am to 6:30 pm. I feel guilty for not showing them more care but I feel lots of the lower emotions on the scale. And when I’m feeling those lower emotions I usually don’t want to take care of anyone because idk how to even take care of myself.

 

7 hours ago, Mandy said:

What are you not getting that you need? 

 

I want to say love and appreciation. I was gonna say respect but I think appreciation is a better way to put it.

7 hours ago, Mandy said:

How, (as unlike pets, you are your own keeper and no one is your master), are you possibly keeping yourself locked in a small area and taking yourself for granted? 

When I feel bad I isolate myself. I’ve always done this. I want more love and appreciation but I guess I isolate myself because I don’t think I deserve it or idk. Mostly I just feel super vulnerable and uncomfortable so I just want to hide. 
When I have my strong persona up I can go do things and be involved but when I feel weak I want to hide.

[Kevin]

6 hours ago, Phil said:

The deeper beliefs, self referential thoughts, conditioning, or shadow is emptying, de conditioning, coming up and out. It’s bittersweet, normal & natural path wise that there is no one there who’s angry or that the anger is about, or vulnerable, let alone a friend to pin it on. If the antibiotic is steroidal that’s probably kicking the bodily & psychological aspects up a notch. 

Yeah maybe I was thinking maybe it’s good I’m getting in touch with anger after years of not really feeling it. Now it’s coming up I’m not sure what to do.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Just experience it. No need to bring in the problem, problem solver, doer. 🙂

 

[Mandy]

@Kevin It's ok to feel discouragement and blame. The dogs aren't your responsibility whatsoever, but you are attracting them into your life as an analogy of sorts. 

[Mandy]

Recently I was thinking how horrible babies and toddlers are, mine are past that stage but my neighbor has them and they are SOOO loud, I forgot how ridiculous they can be. They don't hold a single thing in for ANYONE's convenience. They poop when and where they need to poop, they scream their heads off and throw stuff when they want to. We learn to act and hold back out of other's perceived convenience.  That's maturity, but not always, often it's not real maturity, it's more like putting on an act of maturity. If you can make space to release stuff, in whatever way feels good to you, that's ideal. Communication is so underrated and it starts with you. If you're inclined, journal out a conversation with yourself and see what happens. When that inner voice is allowed to flow, all communication gets more natural, an expression, and doesn't feel held back.  

[Mandy]

Imagine not having a damn thought about being perceived as needy or "too much". 

[Mandy]

Dogs are the best. You just don't get better teachers, sorry. Toddlers second best. Dogs are preferable long term though. 😂

[Kevin]

On 8/29/2023 at 11:48 AM, Phil said:

@Kevin

Just experience it. No need to bring in the problem, problem solver, doer. 🙂

 

Gotcha.

[Kevin]

On 8/29/2023 at 12:39 PM, Mandy said:

Dogs are the best. You just don't get better teachers, sorry. Toddlers second best. Dogs are preferable long term though. 😂

My bad for not responding. Been a busy week. I’ve really been trying to understand what your saying but I don’t understand what these dogs are teaching me besides the fact that you shouldn’t get a dog unless that dog can get human attention in some way for 24 hours a day. They are needy as fuck. My roommate asked me to let them out to drink water. I do that and the young dog who’s super high maintenance puked on the carpet twice in like 30 seconds while I was outside.

 

I’m feeling very frustrated because I don’t think it’s right to get a dog with this kind of temperament and then be gone from 6am to 6:30pm. The dog also has to get locked in the cage or it literally rips up the carpet. And I feel like the bad guy for ignoring the dog but I don’t want to take care of it. It honestly bothers me. Normally I feel like dogs are adorable and I feel affection towards them. This dog just has me frustrated and a little sad because I know it’s probably just feeling crazy separation anxiety from his owner.

[Kevin]

On 8/29/2023 at 12:39 PM, Mandy said:

Imagine not having a damn thought about being perceived as needy or "too much". 

I can’t imagine. I hate being perceived as needy. I think that in social situations you have to add value. Even if that value is just your personality.

 

I guess actually I don’t hate being perceived as needy. That’s never actually happened. I experience insecurity when I really want someone’s approval and I also experience insecurity and fear because I think I’m being too much.

[Mandy]

@Kevin Yeah, the dog situation sucks objectively and I agree with you, but... you're attracting it. I attract stupid stuff all the time, we all do. Imagine if it were a dream you had at night and not "reality". What's the message underneath the physical, obvious situational details? There isn't a right answer, there isn't a need to know it, just get curious about it. Curiosity feels better than being angry or frustrated, what have you got to lose? It's way, way more fun that just thinking stuff randomly occurs because people are dumb or whatever else. It's gonna feel funny and awkward at first, like learning to ice skate, but way more fun that wearing boots and walking around an ice rink. 

 

[Kevin]

11 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin Yeah, the dog situation sucks objectively and I agree with you, but... you're attracting it. I attract stupid stuff all the time, we all do. Imagine if it were a dream you had at night and not "reality". What's the message underneath the physical, obvious situational details? There isn't a right answer, there isn't a need to know it, just get curious about it. Curiosity feels better than being angry or frustrated, what have you got to lose? It's way, way more fun that just thinking stuff randomly occurs because people are dumb or whatever else. It's gonna feel funny and awkward at first, like learning to ice skate, but way more fun that wearing boots and walking around an ice rink. 

 

I like that. Do you think nighttime dreams are good to explore in a similar way? I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately. Last night I got really mad in my dream because the curly fry restaurant wouldn’t serve me curly fries because I was in a tank top. I was gonna leave a bad yelp review but then I woke up.😂

[Mandy]

24 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I like that. Do you think nighttime dreams are good to explore in a similar way? 

Oh yes, there's no difference between actual events and nighttime dreams on a message level, except it's easier to remember the waking ones and the night ones have far more creative freedom, so it seems anyway. Like the author of the Game of Thrones, the books the show is based on were written so he could have all the creative freedom he wanted, to get out of his system everything that he wasn't allowed to do as a screen writer, and then it became a show on a screen. But there's no wrapping that shit up and tying it up with a bow, ever. 

24 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately. Last night I got really mad in my dream because the curly fry restaurant wouldn’t serve me curly fries because I was in a tank top. I was gonna leave a bad yelp review but then I woke up.😂

😂

 

 

[Kevin]

28 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Oh yes, there's no difference between actual events and nighttime dreams on a message level, except it's easier to remember the waking ones and the night ones have far more creative freedom, so it seems anyway. Like the author of the Game of Thrones, the books the show is based on were written so he could have all the creative freedom he wanted, to get out of his system everything that he wasn't allowed to do as a screen writer, and then it became a show on a screen. But there's no wrapping that shit up and tying it up with a bow, ever. 

😂

 

 

Yeah that makes total sense. Daytime or dreaming shits happening but my feelings about it feel the same whether I’m awake or asleep. That feels relevant to me.