Unnecessary rumination about things I might have done wrong

[Nadosa]

For a few years now, everytime I've had an important task, something that has to do with maturity, evolving in maturity, for instance about a specific response of mine during a fight, argument, or a relationship, let it just be easy tasks like taking care of my mum's cats, feeding them, for example.

 

Sometimes, shortly after an incident, when I thought something went "wrong" or I did something "wrong", I habitually feel massively triggered, feeling guilty and feeling like a failure resulting in feeling anger and hatred. 

 

For example, at the moment, I'm taking care of my mum's household during their vacation: one cat has to be fed every second day...just a thought might come and doubt is expressed "hmm what if I didnt feed her two days ago, maybe I forgot, wait, did I really, oh no, what if I didnt?".

 

And then it starts, no reasoning, no rationalizing, nothing stills thought. Even if I say "it doesnt matter, the cat doesnt starve", the whole point is not even about the cat I guess, it's just the WANTING to know if I did it or if I've forgotten it. After that I can spend days pathologically ruminating,  going through what I did days before, checking the exact day routine and even then, even if I have a tiny proof that I MIGHT have fed her, still the doubt stays.

 

I know this is OCD, obesessively...but the hell, it's just insane, it doesnt even make sense. But I MUST make sense out of it,..

I could honestly just rage and cry out loud because it's so painful. This everylasting LACK of proof and doubt.

[Phil]

It’s always insightful and relieving to lighten up on yourself about what you know. I would look to soften the perspective of I know this is OCD or obsessive to this could be OCD, or this might be OCD, or ideally I believe this is OCD. Because maybe it’s not. Maybe that has been believed, but something more fundamental was overlooked. Maybe the stilling of the mind doesn’t have as much to do with maturity, right or wrong, or wether or not you’re a failure either. If it doesn’t, then it would make sense why reasoning & rationalizing about these things isn’t resulting in a stilling of thoughts. Makes sense right?

 

If what’s in question is why do you want to know, and why do you want to still thoughts, isn’t the answer really - to feel better? To not suffer, right? To feel great. 

 

What about starting from there, from putting feeling great first? Maybe that’s what’s actually being forgotten, being overlooked. Maybe that’s the only way sense is going to be made. 

 

Putting feeling first would be first and foremost recognizing feeling is present / presence, or, that feeling is only now. So as a thought arises like ‘for years now every time I’… - if feeling which is only now is put first, then thoughts about what you’ve been doing or been like for years isn’t going to jive with feeling-present-now. Feeling might be ‘saying’ that has no bearing on feeling-now. 

 

Putting the emphasis on how you are being based on a past, is putting unnecessary weight & pressure on yourself to be different. I can see how that weight could lead to a big release, rage, crying, or the like. It’s only natural. If how you are now is believed to be because of the past, and you can not change the past, aren’t you setting up an impossible to meet expectation? Maybe how you’re feeling now is thought to be because of a past, but is actually how the thoughts or perspectives or interpretations, whatever word you like, feel now. 

 

What if thoughts about the past don’t define you at all, and how the thoughts feel now is far more important in regard to stilling thought and bringing an end to  suffering? Maybe that this is how thoughts feel, only now, is the only sense making possible? 

 

How does a situation such as the cat example feel without self judgement added? Similarly, what about lightening up on yourself about feeling like a failure? Do you really know what ‘feeling like a failure’ is or feels like? What if feeling doesn’t know, doesn’t think the same, and therein is the suffering?

[Mandy]

One whose behalf is the rumination, who is it protecting? Whose suffering are you concerned with, the cat's, your mother's, your own?