Doubt in relationship. What is love?

[WhiteOwl]

So i really need some guidance how to understand what i feel.

 

I bumped into my ex after 6 month of not seeing, whom i was seeing on and off for around 2 years. I ended the thing 2 times not feeling well in the relationship. I had a lot of fear of how i would behave having her with me with my friends and family. Projecting a lot of my insecurities out on her. 

I see things more clearly now and i see that many of the "problems" didn't have anything to do with her. 

But i have some fear that i don't love her completely. Both times when we ended, i was feeling a sort of relief, and a lot of times when we were together i was not enjoying so much always. I was feeling a bit bored, and like i wasn't completely into it. Kind of like a fraud a bit.

The thing, i have never experienced a closeness and honesty like i have with her. I feel so comfortable with her and our sexual attraction together is unlike anything, which is what i am afraid of is pulling us together even if we maybe are not meant to be together.

She is a truly amazing person with so many qualities that i admire. A deeply well-meaning person. Honest, present. I could continue.

But there is still this nagging thing or fear that i don't love her enough, even though i really wish that i do and that i could give myself 100% to the thing not caring about anything else.

 

I want to be completely sure that i can live up to her if i am going to try with her again, not start to feel uninterested quickly or after sex. I want to supportive and make sure that she feels good. But doing that sometimes goes wrong if the feeling is not there.

 

The "problem" is that i sense that my feelings of feeling bored would be with anyone. I did date other women with crazy feelings of uneasiness also. I never let anyone in after my first real relationship broke up.

 

I feel confused. I really want it to work with her, but i am afraid i don't have the necessary feeling if that is even possible?

 

I guess to boil down some questions:

1) How can i be sure that i love her. Can i "create" more of it? I have been asking myself and contemplating this the last 2 days and the feeling for her got a lot stronger, which made me really happy. Like i am blocking it somehow with all my judgements etc.

 

2) How do i show her that she can trust me again after i wasted her love twice already. She really loved me, and i can see she doesn't trust me anymore and has the same fear as me probably. I didn't expect anything to be the same after 6 month, but how do you make it up to someone who you broke?

 

 

[Mandy]

Alignment is not a state, not a state of mind, not a certain feeling, not a necessary feeling, not an achievement you have and once you have it, you have it forever. I'd go with the Abraham Hicks' "I like you pretty good, let's see how this goes". 

 

22 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

I see things more clearly now and i see that many of the "problems" didn't have anything to do with her. 

But i have some fear that i don't love her completely.

In the moment you doubt your love, you're doubting your love. Not her. Alignment is out of reach in doubt, and all alignment is is alignment, it's not specific to a subject, really. Don't make your own finding alignment about her. I don't expect the way I feel about any given subject to be great all the time, if I'm not feeling like focusing on one subject I choose another. Be a whore with your thoughts, always willing to pick up a new one that appeals or drop an old one that doesn't, and you'll be the most devoted to whatever you want to be devoted to. Maybe before, rather than seeing that you wanted to drop the thoughts ABOUT the relationship or her, you thought you wanted to drop the relationship itself? Now maybe it's the same in the question of resuming. Stay with how the thoughts feel and maybe the decision isn't really on you. 

[WhiteOwl]

 

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

In the moment you doubt your love, you're doubting your love. Not her. Alignment is out of reach in doubt, and all alignment is is alignment, it's not specific to a subject, really. Don't make your own finding alignment about her

Makes a lot of sense. Thank you🙏

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

It seems like you’re trying to figure out if it’s one or the other, and maybe it’s both. 

[WhiteOwl]

18 minutes ago, Phil said:

@WhiteOwl

It seems like you’re trying to figure out if it’s one or the other, and maybe it’s both. 

Both? That i love her, but still don't want a relationship or what do you mean?

 

Or that i want it to work out, but don't have the feeling? 

Edited August 9, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[WhiteOwl]

On 8/8/2023 at 12:56 PM, Mandy said:

Be a whore with your thoughts, always willing to pick up a new one that appeals or drop an old one that doesn't, and you'll be the most devoted to whatever you want to be devoted to.

This is very good. Clicks clicks

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

It seems like there’s a trying to figure out what the problem is so it can be solved. That seems to oscillate between if she’s ‘the one’, right for you, if the chemistry etc is there for the duration… and if I’m good enough. Good enough for me, for her, just in general. Maybe it’s both as in she isn’t the one for you. If it was love, why all the thinking? Similarly, you Are, and therein are enough. Why cant this be love already? Why all the thinking? 

 

Let yourself off the hook with a big phat dose of reality. 

If you believe you’re thinking and aren’t enough - nobody cares.

If you see you are not the thinker and are enough as is - nobody cares.

You’re literally the only One caring about this stuff. 

What is the truth, the nature of this caring which seems so conditional?

What is the Greater which clarifies?

🤍

 

Freedom is a hell of a driver because it’s already the case and has nothing to do with separation whatsoever. It has no contingencies or conditions. It’s not for you. As the universe she’s a lesson teaching you to be honest with yourself, and hinting at the fruits of this. Don’t hold her as a crutch my man. 

[WhiteOwl]

17 minutes ago, Phil said:

@WhiteOwl

It seems like there’s a trying to figure out what the problem is so it can be solved. That seems to oscillate between if she’s ‘the one’, right for you, if the chemistry etc is there for the duration… and if I’m good enough. Good enough for me, for her, just in general. Maybe it’s both as in she’s isn’t the one for you. If it was love, why all the thinking? Similarly, you Are, and therein are enough. Why all the thinking? 

It is like that. But i hope its me projecting feelings unto her. I never really accepted her previously, or felt relaxed in social settings with her. But those things are on "me", and i hope letting go of those might reveal something else. We are very aligned in many ways and want the same things. 

I will have to take it slow and wait and see. For now i look forward to seeing her, and hope we can enjoy each others company.

 

But the fear is still the same. I don't want to let her down once more. 

Edited August 9, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Phil]

2 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

It is like that. But i hope its me projecting feelings unto her. I never really accepted her previously, or felt relaxed in social settings with her. But those things are on "me", and i hope letting go of those might reveal something else. We are very aligned in many ways and want the same things. 

I will have to take it slow and wait and see. For now i look forward to seeing her, and hope we can enjoy each others company.

If you hope in one hand and highlight occurrences of claiming emotions as yours and calming knowledge about yourself on behalf of another, second self… at least one hand is free. Those things aren’t on you at all. There aren’t things. 🤍

[WhiteOwl]

@PhilBut what about this "creating your own reality" stuff. Can't i choose to love her? i WANT to love her because she is so special and precious. 

And she loves me. Or loved me. Its beautiful.

Edited August 9, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

Chooser is a thought. Isn’t it?

Awareness is aware of the thought, yeah?

What’s an I that chooses?

Separation, two?

 

Give awareness a quick double check, see if there are borders, limits, edges, ends, beginnings. 

If there isn’t, awareness is appearing as thoughts. 

Perhaps the conscious creating is focus, which thoughts are focused on & given life and which are let go… more so than there being a chooser. 

 

 

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Jesus has such an amazing sense of humor in getting the message through. 

 

“And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like they do. But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how - to get it back to Good”.

Rob Thomas as well. Hilarious! 

Maybe there is no way to Good. Maybe it’s just without the knowing how. Maybe the cork just floats. 🤷 

 

That ain’t “Jesus” or “Rob Thomas” lol and that ain’t “her”. 🤍

You claim to love her. But you don’t see Her at all. 

You only care about how you look, what people think of you, etc. 

Nothing wrong with suffering. 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

26 minutes ago, Phil said:

Perhaps the conscious creating is focus, which thoughts are focused on & given life and which are let go… more so than there being a chooser. 

Right 🙏

[WhiteOwl]

3 hours ago, Phil said:

Freedom is a hell of a driver because it’s already the case and has nothing to do with separation whatsoever. It has no contingencies or conditions. It’s not for you. As the universe she’s a lesson teaching you to be honest with yourself, and hinting at the fruits of this. Don’t hold her as a crutch my man. 

I feel the guidance of discouragement and disappointment after our chat. "I might not love her" "She might not be the one for me" Feeling discouragement. 

Im probably romanticizing it all right now since we are not able to see each other. 

I feel the guidance of doubt so much its filling up the whole day.

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

As in doubt & discouragement around that she’s the ‘one’? 

… that you’ll find another…?

… that you’re doing the right thing / making the right decision…?

 

I guess in any case… what might be clarifying is writing it out (vs thinkin).

Maybe write down what you now know you want. 

Might be a short list, a long list or no list, but it stands to be insightful.