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There is this 1 coworker I have on my new team that I could only describe as angry dork. Let’s say his name is John and he is a senior data scientist and is my age - 30.

 

A few days ago one of my coworkers took a sick day and John made a comment to me that it’s so weird that people aren’t even taking care of their health and need to take sick days now.

 

Then today when I was waiting for a subway with him he asked me if I’ve been coming to the office twice a week (as per company hybrid policy). I said no, I’ve only been doing once a week for now, on my other team they’re doing once per week so I’ve been just continuing doing that. After which he got angry/annoyed and told me that I’m not on my other team now, and I should be in the office twice a week. 
 

The reason I don’t come in twice a week is because I am studying now and I find it much easier to come in just once a week (he doesn’t study because data scientists don’t have to do the long exam process I have to go through as an actuary). Plus, when we are taking study days at work, they are usually ok with us coming in once a week. 


My manager himself doesn’t come in twice a week, and he never made any comments about how often I should be in the office. I don’t understand why the hell John cares how often I come in to the office and why doesn’t he just mind his own business. 

 

I really dislike this John guy and I find him to be very arrogant and judgmental. He likes to use a lot of “should” and “shouldn’ts” and acts as if he is better than everyone else. A few times he even rolled his eyes when I said something he didn’t agree with.

 

I meet people like him very often at work. I call them angry dorks - have no life other than work, are very proper and do everything “right”, judge everyone who is not such a proper goody goody as they are.

 

I don’t want to feel this strong dislike, and I’ve been told that in order to to stop doing it, I really need to learn to understand those people. But I just can’t understand them. Why can’t they mind their own business?
 

I’ve been thinking of quitting a lot since I changed my teams. And it’s mostly due to 2 of my coworkers (the other being the Indian girl that constantly makes passive aggressive comments and tries to put down my ideas at work). 
 

 

Edited by Rose
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Posted (edited)

I think I am really mad at me for not being able to answer to these people/defend myself from them. I should have told him it’s none of his business how often I come in to the office and that it’s none of his business how many sick days people take. 

Edited by Rose
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Why not say that to him next time you’re at the office?

Why do you suspect you didn’t? 

 

There might be attraction between you and John. An angry dork might not be what you had in mind. It might be entirely projection. Maybe there is more to John than what you’re thinkin thus far and in kind yourself as well. 

 

Might also or otherwise be the tuning forks situation. That you’re picking up on some beliefs & interpretations John holds which influence his worldview, words, actions & behaviors, and the holding of the same or similar beliefs is being ‘triggered’. Similar to how a tuning fork across the room resonates when a tuning fork of the same frequency is struck. In that case it’s the ‘inner’ discord you don’t care for, and might be projecting the discord onto John. What ‘strikes a nerve’ might also be a desire for more alignment health & well being wise. 

 

When there is ‘triggering’ and an inclination to defend, it’s always the unsuspected idea of self defended. The me which is mad. There’s a little breathing room for clarity and inner ‘work’ going from I’m mad or I’m mad at me, to I’m experiencing anger. The acknowledgment of what you’re feeling which likely leads to clarity & insight as to why. 

 

For the big win - for you - allow thoughts of appreciation for John. Nothing clarifies like appreciation. Like, when I read that you’re an actuarial I was frankly a little excited. Brings out the dork in me that loves the subject matter of risk & uncertainty. It’s also imo, among the unsung hero’s of the world. People seem to take actuaries completely for granted. The work isn’t easy, especially with the ongoing learning in addition to the job. It’s the behind the scenes work of much of the work I do, and easy to appreciate. 

 

 

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On 7/27/2023 at 12:28 AM, Rose said:

I think I am really mad at me for not being able to answer to these people/defend myself from them. I should have told him it’s none of his business how often I come in to the office and that it’s none of his business how many sick days people take. 

Yeah if you push back they'll quit, you must seem like an easy target for them. Ask them to stop, if that doesn't work tell HR, if that doesn't work keep an eye out for another job or team and push back "excuse me that's very rude and uneccesarry/none of your business".

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Posted (edited)
On 7/27/2023 at 5:15 PM, Phil said:

Why do you suspect you didn’t? 

Because I didn’t want to appear like I am trying to cause conflict. Because my reaction would come from ego and be aggressive.

 

He annoys me because “proper” people annoy me. Ones that have rules and rulers to measure everyone by those rules. It annoys me because I also have rules and a ruler that makes me feel stuck and heavy in my chest and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

 

On 7/27/2023 at 5:15 PM, Phil said:

appreciation for John

But should I appreciate him for? 

 

On 7/27/2023 at 5:15 PM, Phil said:

The work isn’t easy, especially with the ongoing learning in addition to the job. It’s the behind the scenes work of much of the work I do, and easy to appreciate. 


Thank you Phil, I don’t feel the same way about it though. The exam process seems just like a business and lots of suffering for nothing.

 

Edited by Rose
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Posted (edited)
On 7/29/2023 at 5:09 AM, Blessed2 said:

@Rose Have you read How To Win Friends And Influence People?

 

I'm 100% sure you'd find it helpful.

Hey, I actually went to the store and bought it this week. Is there anything in particular in that book I should focus on? 

Edited by Rose
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Posted (edited)
On 7/29/2023 at 5:23 AM, Devin said:

You know how there's self defense classes, there should be classes to practice dealing with assholes.

Unfortunately, I think we’re supposed to approach them with understanding 🥲 or ignore them. Idk, still thinking about it.

Edited by Rose
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2 hours ago, Rose said:

Hey, I actually went to the store and bought it this week. Is there anything in particular in that book I should focus on? 

 

Not really any specific. Just read it and see if it resonates and check if you find any insight as to how to deal with people. IMO it's a great book.

 

Everyone is waiting for eternity but the Shaman asks: "how about today?"

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16 hours ago, Rose said:

Because I didn’t want to appear like I am trying to cause conflict. Because my reaction would come from ego and be aggressive.

 

He annoys me because “proper” people annoy me. Ones that have rules and rulers to measure everyone by those rules. It annoys me because I also have rules and a ruler that makes me feel stuck and heavy in my chest and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Don’t try to get rid of it; listen to it. It relays the truth of non-judgment, of peace & unconditional love. Allow it to unstick you. Welcome it in. Be a home for it. Ask it to fill every cell and guide every thought. 

16 hours ago, Rose said:

But should I appreciate him for? 

How it feels to do so. Imagine that you created John, and then judge or love your creation accordingly. 

 

16 hours ago, Rose said:

Thank you Phil, I don’t feel the same way about it though. The exam process seems just like a business and lots of suffering for nothing.

You might not think the same way about it, but I bet deep down you do feel a lot of love & appreciation for everything you do. It’s in the thank you. 

Careful with believing you know what nothing is.

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