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I had a terrible experience with that "friend"


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Me and him were in some activity of camping, going highking, scouts vibes. It's been a while since. We were always quite ok with each other, besides the fact that he always ghosts me on pretty much every platform, but says that in general he's a "ghoster", which I believe. He doesn't have intentions when ghosting, but this was one of the things I didn't like much about him.

 

So after some effort, we managed to organize a trip (in the group, together with the guide), and from all people - it was just me, the other guy, and the guide.

I didn't expect the other guy to somehow call or message to meet up and go there, since he left early and I left later than him, he is stupid for getting off at the wrong place, hardly moved from the place we live, and I already got there. He asked me if I can fetch him, so my father went to his direction, but the kid remembered to call a few minutes later to update me that he is not actually there, not where he said, so fuck it, we gave up. After we finally all caught up he asked me why didn't I meet with him to get there, this ghosting m*****f***** (sorry). This is the start.

 

In general he doesn't really lets me finish my sentences and jumps in, interrupting, assuming he knows what I'm gonna say. He does it a lot and is super frustrating to talk to. He isn't such a charismatic person, but he knows how to slide what he wants to say when he wants. Imagine how disrespectful it can be. Like sometimes when I speak he talks over me: "fine, fine, we understood already what you're trying to say" Like F you you f*cking stupid a** person. How can you be so disrespectful and get away with it? He also has his seemingly nice condescending ways of reacting to what I said, like "yeah, of course it's like that" in a condescending way as though my questions are stupid, because I'm more willing to open myself vulnerably while he is too scared trying to keep up his cool logical persona self image. This made it over time harder and harder for me to open myself to ask what might seem as "stupid" questions.

 

I'll save you the rest. The worst was on our way back, when we actually argued about something not that serious, and anger starting boiling in my veins, my overall anger I have towards him. He was also saying that I interrupt him and I don't listen, which IS NOT true for sure, since I always listen and I really never interrupt because I have some value. Perhaps I have mentioned it in the argument against him before in some way. The guide also saw how he tends to interrupt a lot so it doesn't make sense what he is saying. My overall anger was really boiling but I suppressed it all, as in all the situations I had with him in this one night trip. I just had enough and didn't want to talk with him.

Our guide dropped us off at some bus station and I really didn't give a fuck about him, didn't care how he'll get home. Luckily I'm much better at navigating. I went on the bus I needed and signaled him this is the bus for if he wants to get on (if we were in opposite roles, I doubt he'd even help me notice he went on the bus). He asked me if it stops at a certain station and I kept walking in the bus, ignoring him, and he went off. Fuck him. Eventually the guide came to pick us both from not so far locations and took us back home (the other guy called him). I really hate him, and it makes much more sense for me to drop him as a friend, which he was anyways not, couldn't consider him as such. I'm cutting him out. We'll see when he'll start the next conversation, never. Cool.

 

Ok, so first of all sorry for my use of language at some parts. Consider them as my hateful expressions rather than actual. I really hate him, and it came flowing. Hope I don't get banned or something.

 

My intention intention in writing this post was to ask for advice in how to handle such stuff. More specifically, do you have any book recommendations for dealing with such nasty behaviors? I think this could benefit other people as well. Like, really, think about it: Most of you people do all this consciousness work, meditating which is nice and peaceful. But what do you do when your best friend ignores you? What do you do when your group project mate keeps talking over you and doesn't listen? What do you do when an asshole tries to make fun of you in front of other people you know?

Answers to these questions are a demand, or so I believe.

 

I was thinking of utilizing this asshole for doing equanimity meditation. I know some of you might say that I feel resentment, or perhaps even revenge. I've suppressed quite a lot being with him, with the belief that no matter what I'll say, what I'll open up, how vulnerable I'll be, the questions I'll answer - That I'll always be interrupted by him and that I won't be able to even deliver what I want to say because he never listens, and just talks, when he can.

In the book Radical Honesty, the author has a chapter talking about expressing anger, and I felt that I really couldn't do it. It was too extreme for the situations I was and really didn't feel like doing them. Why should I risk being interrupted and have made assumptions about? He is too childish to talk to

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1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Also, had to get it off my chest a bit

No worries. It's totally understandable that this is upsetting to you. It seems he's  been a bit of one to keep ppl at arms length a bit with the whole "ghosting" thing you said he does.

 

Sometimes ppl aren't that sensitive about how they come across to others or how they may be offending someone. Granted sometimes they really just don't care. It's hard to figure out which is the case sometimes. 

 

So, giving the benefit of the doubt once, maybe twice might be what one decides, but after that, I agree enough is enough. It just so happened you were stuck with him (eeks) and had to put up with him when you were, over it. 

 

Guess my advice normally is to try to come to a decision about what is really happening as soon as you can, if that's possible, but like I said normally seeing if the situation can be rectified or does the other or you "need space", is the friendship truly "over", was what happened abusive in any way, that sorta thing. I find that I'll sleep on something a day, maybe two (if necessary), but then I've processed it and have a pretty clear decision or plan if you will about how I want to move forward, if at all. 

 

💙

 

 

 

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16 minutes ago, Faith said:

I find that I'll sleep on something a day, maybe two (if necessary), but then I've processed it and have a pretty clear decision or plan if you will about how I want to move forward, if at all. 

Yeah I guess I'll take this advice and contemplate on it, meaning, processing the emotions slowly slowly as the thoughts arise, satisfactorily, for some time. Then I'll have a clearer plan (since I'm at a higher vibration) on what to do .

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@fopylo Sounds like a solid plan! 

 

I will tell you a little true story. Many years ago (maybe 10) I noticed how my friend would always call me for advice I'd listen intently, ask questions, give advice (spend 45min to an hour on her stuff) and then when she would ask me how I was doing I would get out maybe 1 or 2 sentences before she would abruptly say how she had to go, she's so busy, she's late for an appt, Yada- yada.

 

This happened over and over for months and one day when she called I told her exactly what she had been doing and how she was using me as her personal counselor and not really being a friend to me and that if something didn't change I no longer was interested in the relationship with her. 

 

She was floored to say the least. I can't recall her exact words initially, but we got off the phone pretty quick. She called me a week later and asked to come over so we could talk. When she got to my house she proceeded to say that originally she thought I was wrong and that she wasn't a selfish friend that hogged the entire convo, etc....UNTIL she told her mother what happened and her mother said, "thank God someone finally told you".🤣

 

Long story short, she said it was very eye opening for her and she really wasn't aware that that's what she had started doing with ppl, apparently not just me and then she vowed to not keep doing that. 

 

We are still friends. She's actually my best friend. So, ppl can change, however I was willing to throw it away, if change didn't happen. Thats how much it was affecting me. I just had got to that point.

 

 

 

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@fopylo

That difference inevitably falls away too. Crazy at first. 😊
Considering that perspective can help you see everything added to it, and extract all the juice & clarity with respect to what you’re actually wanting. 

Also consider, your original perspective isn’t true either. 

But one resonates with infinite intelligence (and not so much with the ego). Can always use more of that in life. 🤍

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On 3/26/2022 at 10:43 PM, fopylo said:

More specifically, do you have any book recommendations for dealing with such nasty behaviors?

Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha is a pretty fat book, I'm sure you can use that to slap the shit out of him.

Jk. Don't do that.

 

On 3/26/2022 at 10:43 PM, fopylo said:

But what do you do when your best friend ignores you?

If it's my best friend, he sure has his reasons. Most of the time, when he ignores me, he's in a bad mood, and you can feel that when he's replying or when we meet up. As he's in a bad mood when he ignores me, I don't hold any grudges against him. Hell, sometimes I'm the same.

 

On 3/26/2022 at 10:43 PM, fopylo said:

What do you do when your group project mate keeps talking over you and doesn't listen?

Highly dependent on the project. If it's not really relevant to me, I couldn't care less. If it's important to me, I'd gather a group of people who I resonate with and where I know that working together will work. If it's important to me, but I don't have the right group, I'd either look for ways to make it work anyway OR not do the project at all. If I'm forced to do the project (such as, from an institution), then it's probably not that relevant to me anyway.

 

On 3/26/2022 at 10:43 PM, fopylo said:

What do you do when an asshole tries to make fun of you in front of other people you know?

Nothing, really.

I listen. If it's funny, I'd probably laugh (even if he's an "asshole"). If I don't find it funny, I don't laugh. That's it.

 

If he tries to make fun of you, in order to belittle you, isn't that evidence enough that he's actually a bit misguided? If someone needs to belittle me, in order to feel good, I feel kinda bad for that person. I couldn't be mad.. you know what I'm trying to get at?

Edited by Lotus
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