Using and Finishing the Emotional Scale

[Orb]

Ugh, ive done this a million times... 

 

Ive sat down and written how I feel according to each emotion on the scale, it all feels so contrived, how can emotion be controlled? Doesn't make much sense, but fine I'll give it another try. 

 

Im gonna do this for a few days and see if there's any improvement in my quality of life, and if there is I will keep going. 

 

Right now im feeling agitated, what's really annoying is that this feeling is due to me taking caffeine, kratom, and kava, and now I feel agitated physically, but apparently this is because of thoughts.

 

I don't know what the hell is being experienced, is this frustration, anger, hatred, etc.? Is the questioning of this indicative of experiencing doubt? This is what's so confusing about the scale. 

 

Okay whatever, let's say im feeling irritated. This is so irritating, im so annoyed. Im annoyed that my mom bought a bunch of stuff and wanted me to bring It all home on my own. Im just experiencing a lot of frustration, trying hard not to blow up on anybody. Im so sick of people expecting shit from me. I don't care about people, I care about myself. 

 

Okay so what else am I supposed to do? Im annoyed yes here it is, im frustrated, im feeling impatient. I relapsed today. 

 

Im annoyed at how people think you can control emotions, how people think they have any agency in this whatsoever. Ugh. Im annoyed that im supposed to not make it about me but at the same time I have to write about the irritation experienced. 

 

Im annoyed at how confusing this is, emotions seem random and chaotic, and the notion that they can be felt one at a time is jarring to say the least. Im annoyed at myself, im annoyed that im supposed to say how annoyed I am about stuff in order to feel better. Im annoyed at how simple this is. 

 

Im annoyed that I am supposed to go up to the next emotion felt but still experience frustration. 

 

Im frustrated by the drug use and the impulsivity. Im annoyed at my mom expecting stuff from me, im annoyed at having to hide things from her. Im annoyed at how contrived and weird the emotional scale use is. Im annoyed at the notion that instead of feeling into all emotions, we are supposed to be feeling love all the time which seems like 100 percent ego. 

 

Im annoyed that the emotional scale implies that happiness comes from how you think, so you always have to make sure to think the right thoughts, or the aligned thoughts that align with how you're feeling. 

 

Im annoyed at the daily doubtful thoughts about life. Okay when am I supposed to move up to pessimism? 

 

Which comes first, saying im feeling pessimism, or the emotion pessimism coming up and then noticing it. emotions can only be recognized through thought. 

 

Im annoyed with how I feel right now. Im annoyed that I might be sitting here typing for a long time because I just don't know when im ready to go up to pessimism. Im annoyed at how vague spiritual work is. Im annoyed at how culty spirituality gets. 

 

Im annoyed because the emotional scale seems like a modality used to avoid emotion rather than feel them, I mean, why else would you want to move up to Love? the only reason I can see is to avoid feeling deeply into emotions. 

 

Ugh there's so much frustration, I hate how hokey this feels, how vague it is. 

 

Like I just said hate, does that mean hate is felt? This is so confusing...

 

This is the kinda shit that makes me want to stop using the scale, it feels fake, contrived, forced. 

 

Like I can go up to "Love" but then discordant thoughts can come up and still be fallen for. It's all unstable. Im feeling overwhelmed now. I hate all of this. I hate how this feels like spiritual bypassing!!!

 

Fuck, im gonna be here all day trying to go up this scale, and going up and down, up and down. So annoying...

[Orb]

The emotions feel so unstable I never know how im feeling, like is it overwhelment, doubt, anger? Idk

[Orb]

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10 Things ive learned:

 

1. As much as I hate it, im not always right, in fact im still young and immature sometimes

2. Daily Meditation makes life easier

3. Loving people and connecting with them feels good

4. Life works out even if there is stressful stuff going on

5. Enlightenment is a regression, not an attainment

6. Saving money is important

7. There is no inside or outside, so the "Inner" and "Outer" of life are reflections of each other

8. A core aspect of the work is emotional work

9. Letting go is key

10. Taking responsibility for how I feel is possible

[Orb]

Okay... what emotion is felt right now? 

 

Okay ill start from the bottom.

[Orb]

Im experiencing fear/grief/despair/powerlessness:

 

I feel powerlessness, it seems like anything I try just doesn't work or isn't effective. I feel emotionally unstable. I don't even know what the hell to say right now about this emotion except that it's felt. There's fear of failure, my mom being disappointed in me, fear of having to talk to people, fear of having to feel emotions deeply, fear of people hurting me. There's fear of having to sit here all day doing this emotional work. I feel despair too, Its like I can't do this, how come everyone else can? 

 

Argh, how am I supposed to know when I can transition to the next emotion? It's so confusing, im so confused by all this, am I being gas lit? Am I being convinced that im just not doing it hard or good enough so that's why I feel like this? I feel so aimless right now. 

 

If I go up to unworthiness, how do I know 100 percent that I expressed everything in the fear emotion? 

 

 

[Orb]

Okay I'll just play along and see if this works. 

 

Now im feeling Unworthiness/Insecurity, I feel sensitive and weak, I feel ungrounded and frustrated, meditation doesn't always help. I feel so insecure right now. Ho can I be hard working like most people my age? How can I take more responsibility and be less childish? 

 

Im experiencing jealousy:

 

Im jealous of the people who have stuff working out for them, im jealous of the liberated peeps, im jealous of people who have relationships, jealous of people who have an active sex life, jealous of people who are rich, im jealous of everybody, im soooo jealous!!!

 

Im experiencing hatred/rage now, I hate them all! I want them all to die!!! Im filled with so much hatred, im so hateful arrrrrggghhhh. 

 

RAGE, FUCKING RAGE!

[Orb]

Im feeling revenge, im taking revenge on everyone, ahhhhhhhhh!!!

 

Still feeling anger, angry at myself, angry at the world, feeling so much anger. 

 

Now Im feeling Discouragement, im so discouraged from doing anything, seems like nothing works including this scale, what's the point of any of this?

 

Now im feeling blame, I blame my mom, dad, friends, family, peeps I know, for all the fucked up stuff unfolding in my life, I blame you all for this! YOU did this!

 

Now im feeling worried, im worried about everything, im worried that this isn't gonna work and is bullshit.

 

Now im feeling doubt, I really doubt this scale works, I doubt it a lot, I doubt it so much. 

 

Now im feeling disappointed, im really disappointed with the way this all turned out to be, im tired of this.

 

Now im feeling overwhelment, there's a million things going on and no one can help. Seems like there's so much stuff Im gonna drown in it. 

 

Now im feeling frustration, im frustrated with all of this, im frustrated with all the lies and corruption in the world, frustrated with all the rules I have to follow. 

 

Now im feeling pessimism, everything sucks and is doodoo. 

 

Now im feeling boredom, im so bored right now, I have nothing to do, this is boring, im bored, nothing to do except be bored. 

 

Now im feeling contentment, im feeling contentment yay, im at peace with this moment, this moment is peaceful, there's no problem with it. 

 

Now im feeling hopefulness, maybe things can turn around? Maybe things are working out? 

 

Now im feeling positive expectation, everything's working out! YAY! 🙂

 

Now im feeling happiness, im happy with this moment. 

 

Now im feeling passion, im filled with passion, I can feel it coursing through my veins. 

 

Now im feeling Love! It's alright everything is Love and there's no problems! I did it! Bring out the fireworks!

[Orb]

This is so hopeless... 

 

I can't do stuff that's vague. I'll keep trying until I do it right and feel better. 

 

This is actually making me feel worse and I feel like bashing my face into a wall. Like it's all my fault I'm not doing it right I'm not manifesting properly I just have to keep using the scale over and over again and if it doesn't work it's my fault because I'm doing it wrong

[Orb]

Okay, ill start again...

[Orb]

I feel so hopeless and powerless. I can't do this, idk if I can finish the scale, it's so much work. everything in life takes effort, its so easy to stay here in depression, in fact using the scale makes me feel more confused and lost, the idea of knowing what emotion you feel doesn't make any sense to me. 

 

The raw sensation we call "emotion" isn't anything, it isn't any word, so how can I say that this sensation is fear, anger, love, etc. doesn't make any sense to me. 

 

I think I don't have what it takes to get through life, everything requires so much effort, discipline, and maturity, I can't do it. I don't even want to do anything else today. I spent a lot of my money on substances today, who knows how much money I have left, at least I paid my car bill that I was behind on. 

 

It's always the same theme, essentially it's always that im not good enough, not working hard enough, not focusing on what's wanted enough, not doing the right thing. Im always doing the wrong thing, always impulsive, always lost. 

 

Im so tired of feeling like a loser, so tired of being scared. So tired of being confused and putting my own well being and confidence into other peoples hands. Im sick of it. I give up, this is all too much for me. yea I know there's no one here whatever, im just hopeless. 

 

Im tired of being broke. Now im supposed to express jealousy but I don't feel any jealousy right now, so it feels unnatural to start acting like im jealous of people. 

 

Its the same theme, if I just do this and that, tomorrow ill be better, eventually ill be better. I don't like putting happiness in the hands of thought, why do I have to think a certain way to feel happiness? This seems like the opposite of what non duality is all about. 

[Orb]

The scale takes forever to go through, I don't feel any jealousy so I guess im supposed to feel unworthiness all day until it turns into jealousy? Where's the instruction manual for emotion? 

 

I guess im jealous of Abraham hicks, I think she's a scammer. Her and Jerry were living very comfortable lives before the channeling began, they would just go shopping and do whatever they wanted. I don't trust Abraham, seems like new age nonsense. It's pretty convenient for the ego that it can create reality if it just thinks the right thoughts and feels the right emotions. Seems like a great way to bypass actually facing your own annihilation by playing the game of creating reality. 

 

I think she's fooling so many people into paying her money. People who are into spirituality tend to be more susceptible to group think, it's easy for them to believe anything. 

 

If you discovered how to manifest whatever you want, why would you charge THOUSANDS of dollars for tickets to some cruise where you talk about it? Seems fishy to me. 

 

I think she fooled herself first before all of us. Im jealous of the money she has I guess, I wish I could come up with some new age nonsense and sell it for money, id be doing well in life just like her! 🙂 

 

How is law of attraction any different from the common ego belief of "I need things to be happy, I can get objects/experiences to become happy, and when I do it'll be great, im just gonna keep consuming objects/experiences! Im not gonna question where this motivation to endlessly want stuff is coming from but whatever.". 

 

Sometimes I hate Abraham, sometimes I resonate with them. 

 

its easy for me to be manipulated by people. Ive been manipulated by my mom, and sexually abused by another woman when I was younger, im like a puppet. 

 

Im so scared of life that im afraid of letting go of Phil and the Non dual stuff. Im afraid of letting everything go. 

 

I feel a lot better believing that emotions are perfectly innocent and natural rather than believe that I have to experience every emotion one by one and move all the way up to love, as if the lower emotions are bad and the love is good. Seems fishy. I don't want to feel all of these emotions. I don't even know what emotion is felt now. It baffles me that people can confidently say what emotion they're feeling, I can't, I have no idea. One second im sad, the next im at peace. 

[Orb]

Id like to see Abraham give away all her money, go live in an average neighborhood, and try to find a job and live well. But no she married jerry who was a millionaire, good for her! She worked so hard!

Edited July 21, 2023 by Orb

[Orb]

I keep messing up, I push everyone away eventually, I let go of everyone eventually. I drop all my friends, all my ideals. I don't think I care about people, maybe I do, maybe I don't. 

 

Im attracting this, everyones gonna leave me and I'll probably grow old and wither away alone. 

 

I can't help being dramatic, I fucking hate myself. 

Edited July 21, 2023 by Orb

[Orb]

Okay im feeling unworthiness, when is this shit gonna go away?

[Orb]

I have to find my own way to do this. Nothing anyone else is suggesting is working. Im a leader not a sheep, I don't like taking orders, I have to create my own philosophy, my own values. 

[Orb]

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. 

[Orb]

I'm too emotionally unstable to be on here, I'm gonna keep posting dramatic stuff. I know it's annoying but you don't know what it's like to always be emotionally unstable and want to destroy yourself. 

 

I love you all. This forum is rotting my mind, I can't do this anymore. I need therapy and behavior changes, not using a emotional scale.

[Orb]

I'm gonna journal in my notebook and see if I feel better.

[Devin]

Whenever I get like that I eventually figure out it's from believing lies we're told; "you should have more money, prettier girlfriend, more successful, buffer, more handsome, nicer, more patient,......"

 

I have to say "Fuck you, to the lies. All that matters is joy, I will try at life, but what ultimately matters is joy and I know joy is unconditional, and I need it right now."