Will I always try to make people laugh?

[fopylo]

For the last few days, but really today I felt lots of discord in forcing laughs and trying to make silly jokes and make people laugh. I do it too much. People think I'm the funniest at the table, and they like it. I often find myself exhausted after funny sessions of mine, which usually come together with discord and feelings of insecurity.

 

On my way back home today I was so exhausted: Trying to make people laugh, trying to protect my worth, trying to hold in frustrations and anger, trying to fight my way through an uncomfortable conversation about women with the guys (literally asked me if I find women here attractive).

I intentionally focused on the feeling of my body, from a first person's view, and it felt good and relieving. - Is that meditation?

Maybe I should do it more often? Perhaps those needs only arise when the pain in the body is very great...

 

I was doubting my life (mostly social life experience, and being more assertive)... Will I always be this clown? Why am I always trying to make people laugh? What will be when I'll stop trying? I can't completely eliminate humor... Who can I trust?

 

I just need some peace.

 

[Mandy]

Maybe it served you to make jokes in the past, and it was the perfect way to cope with social situations then, but now you're wanting to relate in a way that is aligned. The transition might be awkward dropping an old pattern, but it won't be for long. How DO you want to relate now? 

[fopylo]

@Mandy

Wow Mandy that is actually very insightful, thanks! Wow I never even considered it being an old way to cope with social situations, and that now I want to relate in a more aligned way...

3 minutes ago, Mandy said:

How DO you want to relate now? 

This I have somewhat tried thinking a bit, but it is difficult, because I don't clearly know 😐.

 

• I would want to be more open with them, talk about my desires, what I love to do, what I like, my dreams, unashamed.

 

• Friends I can show emotions towards.

 

• Friends that I can joke about funny stuff, that are funny to many people. But I wouldn't want to go to far with those jokes as a way to cope socially...

[Phil]

On 7/16/2023 at 2:09 PM, fopylo said:

Is that meditation?

It’s like it’s always a warm & sunny day, and also there are many many clouds. When attention is withdrawn from the clouds and returned to its source, goodness & relief is always the case. The clouds are like thoughts about a second or separate self which is never actually present. The way of allowing the clouds to depart is presence, or, noticing there are no clouds presently. Noticing what is already the (present) case. Noticing what is real, and what is not. Seems like the sheer volume of comparative thinking to arrive at such a mistaken inflated self image would amount to their s.o.’s experience being that of an impression of never being enough. Kinda hard to measure up to what isn’t.