Fear of unleashing old/nostalgic thought patterns and emotions

[fopylo]

I have memories from different phases of my life. Different phases of my life consisted of different frameworks, people I surrounded myself around, anime shows I've watched, locations I lived in, vape flavors I've had, music I've been really into.

All of the above (especially the last 3) really trigger memories and feelings of the situation back in its time.

 

The more years I go back the more naïve I was, and everything was more simple. All I thought about was waking up every morning and going to school (or camp), finishing around noon and then going home. I didn't worry much and at my free time I'd either play the piano, watch anime, exercise or learn something (for example, a language).

 

These days it's all about work, being on time, accomplishing tasks, getting a girlfriend, starting something.... or so it seems... because it is stressing me out some times.

Because of all of that I barely have free time when I get back home everyday at 20:00 and need to wake up at 7:00. When I get back home I need to take the dog for a walk and I priorities working out, and by the time I finish having a shower afterwards it is close to 23:00. Then I just want to chill after this long day and spend time on YouTube or anime (mostly weekends).

 

So sometimes during the day I might encounter some stimuli that can trigger a memory - could be nostalgic, something I was once obsessed with, could bring me back to a phase I liked in my life... And I would immediately try to push it away.

I might start hearing in my head the tune of a song that carries lots of emotions for me (an outro of an anime I've seen) and bring me back to those moments. I try suppressing it because life ain't like that anymore!

Life ain't that simple that I can just reminisce on those moments and forget my current situation!

I used to love playing that song on the piano with lots of emotions... but now it is just overwhelming because I haven't touched the piano for a long time already.

I don't want all those emotions to rise up... This might be Overwhelment (thoughts about lots of emotions).

 

I wish I had more time to catch up and be great like I used to be. All those self referential thoughts, damn.

[Mandy]

One. At. A. Time. 

 

😊

[Phil]

Life as in aliveness is always ‘like that’, by being this. It’s the present though, so the comparison with the past is a subtle judgement. It probably feels like telling your closest friend that you’d rather be in a past with someone else because it was better. The feeling desired but associated with age or a past never moved. Never left. Never changed. The thinking that it did due to time or age is the overlooking of that it hasn’t. 

[fopylo]

@Mandy what at a time?

[Mandy]

@fopylo It's only the thought focused on now that emotion is responding too. Blame the algorithm feeding you stuff, and use the search function only when you've defined what you want. 

[fopylo]

3 hours ago, Phil said:

The feeling desired but associated with age or a past never moved. Never left. Never changed. The thinking that it did due to time or age is the overlooking of that it hasn’t. 

@Phil

Are you telling me that the past never existed? Nothing led me up to this point in which I'm at now?

What are memories then, and why do we have them? What's their validity?

 

It does strongly feel like I've "been through" phases in life.. I also feel like my preferences have changed...

You could argue that this makes sense since I'm a story myself, but change is still happening, no? I mean, different preferences arise.. now I say this, next thing is I say this... How can you say anything has changed/"remember" something if there's no past to anything?

[fopylo]

@Mandy I might've experienced blame since I was blaming this current situation... But how could you tell it wasn't anger, frustration or perhaps overwhelment?

[Mandy]

@fopylo I wasn't suggesting you were in blame, I was saying to recognize that the autopilot of thinking isn't serving you up what you want so get intentional about what you do want to focus on. But yes, let go the blame of what is, the believe that it its all about what's being dished up for you and go find the ingredients and cook/create what you DO want. 

[Phil]

9 minutes ago, fopylo said:

@Phil

Are you telling me that the past never existed?

That has to do with why the perspective feels off, yes.

9 minutes ago, fopylo said:

Nothing led me up to this point in which I'm at now?

‘Led me up to’ would still imply a past transpired. 

9 minutes ago, fopylo said:

What are memories then, and why do we have them? What's their validity?

Memories are exactly as experienced, which is presently. 

9 minutes ago, fopylo said:

It does strongly feel like I've "been through" phases in life.. I also feel like my preferences have changed...

You could argue that this makes sense since I'm a story myself, but change is still happening, no?

Are you a story if there’s no past?

 

9 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I mean, different preferences arise.. now I say this, next thing is I say this... How can you say anything has changed/"remember" something if there's no past to anything?

By believing that there is other than this ‘now’. 

[fopylo]

@Mandy How can you tell the difference between emotions?

[fopylo]

@Phil

17 hours ago, Phil said:

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

Are you telling me that the past never existed?

That has to do with why the perspective feels off, yes.

... So nothing in the past had ever existed, yeah?

 

17 hours ago, Phil said:

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

What are memories then, and why do we have them? What's their validity?

Memories are exactly as experienced, which is presently. 

How are they different from "regular" thoughts? People tend to talk a lot about memories, as though they're different than some random fantasy. There's obviously some reason why we believe in memories.

 

17 hours ago, Phil said:

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

It does strongly feel like I've "been through" phases in life.. I also feel like my preferences have changed...

You could argue that this makes sense since I'm a story myself, but change is still happening, no?

Are you a story if there’s no past?

I mean the "me" is a story itself.

 

17 hours ago, Phil said:

By believing that there is other than this ‘now’. 

Is it wrong talking about a past?

Do you ever talk about your past, telling your friend a funny experience that happened to you yesterday, or maybe even tell your kids your life story?

[Mandy]

49 minutes ago, fopylo said:

@Mandy How can you tell the difference between emotions?

By how they feel, and by what the thoughts seem to be focusing on. 

[Phil]

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

.. So nothing in the past had ever existed, yeah?

Nothing isn’t in “a past”. 

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

How are they different from "regular" thoughts?

They make it seem like there’s a past nothings in. 

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

I mean the "me" is a story itself.

Change & preference is apparent. 

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

Is it wrong talking about a past?

When it seems like the continuity between thoughts is a separate self, via my preference vs apparent preferences, it seems like for the individual there is knowing, and therein knowing that there is right & wrong. The knowing is like the believing of thoughts about there being a past, in that it is the overlooking of nothing. 

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

Do you ever talk about your past, telling your friend a funny experience that happened to you yesterday, or maybe even tell your kids your life story?

Yes, just without the added aspect of experience of ‘your’ paste ‘your’ friend, happened to ‘you’, ‘your’ kids’, ‘your’ life. 

[fopylo]

22 hours ago, Phil said:

Yes, just without the added aspect of experience of ‘your’ paste ‘your’ friend, happened to ‘you’, ‘your’ kids’, ‘your’ life. 

@Phil

But it's not just that you're talking about the past; You are talking about your past. Also I am not talking about the past, but my past. If we're both talking about the past then it should probably be the same, no? Isn't it a matter of perspective as well, stemming from the fact that each of us experience our own unique different experiences right now? 

[Phil]

@fopylo

Check direct experience. Is a / the / your / my past seen or heard? Is a past felt? Do thoughts arise about a past? If so, do thoughts arise other than presently?

 

[fopylo]

@Phil It isn't seen or heard but it is felt. I imagine it and feel strong emotions. This is direct experience.

[fopylo]

All those places in this beautiful world... this dream I long to return to

Work and all those late hours of moving around just make it feel like I'm in a cage, a loop.

There is this consistent pattern

Why is it hard to break out?

Decisions are made now, but why always delayed to a 'future' that doesn't exist and never comes?

 

I lost touch with music, with languages, and with nature.

I do workout though, which is a plus, in fact -

it's my obsession now.

Trying to master the handstand (yeah I'm really into calisthenics) - a healthy addiction I guess.

But I still wish to return to a softer place,

a place of freedom and love -

being in that place I once was.

Land of opportunity and curiosity.

 

Learning something new is scary.

Damn I kinda miss this week-off I had from work because of my teeth extractions.

But I have more teeth that are gonna get extracted in a few weeks and I feel hopeful about it.