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IFS Shadow work journal part 2: electric boogaloo


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I just unburdened some huge self like protector parts near my third eye and crown chakra and I swear I can literally smell DMT being released. It's a sharp smell on the inside of my nose and there's no way I could mistake it for anything else. As soon as I smelled it, I felt the effects as if I had taken a tiny hit. This shit is powerful af

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Yesterday I unburdened 3 huge exiles that have been there since childhood, there's my anxiety that prevents me from being authentic, my suppressed forward moving part, and my sexual frustration part. Each one had a complex network of protector parts preventing me from reaching them. It was one of my most difficult sessions just due to the sheer number of terrified protector parts. I didn't fully manage to get all of them to let go so I'm having a huge ego backlash today. I'm having depraved sexual thoughts, anger towards women, hatred of society and its values, lack of motivation, distrust of other people, despair, self doubt , and a general feeling of fog and heaviness. It's to be expected since I've made such a major change to my energetic body. My inner psyche feels unstable.

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I've done some insane parts work over the last few weeks and I feel almost like myself again. I'm getting aggressive backlash from certain parts from certain parts trying to suppress my inner child. 

 

Today I was caught in a particularly bad bout of ego backlash so I did a short mindfulness meditation. During the meditation, I realised that my parts aren't real. They are entirely illusory just like my sense of self or the idea that there is a doer. There is only awareness. 

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I just had several huge breakthroughs. I managed to access a deep exile which was my inner child, this aspect of myself was much younger than all my other parts, it feels like almost  baby still. This part of me was my scared child self who didn't get the love he needed. By giving this part of me love, it felt like my wounded foundations were healing, It was a difficult experience because I had to feel all the pain that my inner child felt, which was extremely intense because I had pretty much regressed to an infant. I cried for hours and afterwards the loneliness and heaviness in my chest that I had felt for years disappeared.

I met up with a friend the next day who was quite spiritually inclined and the first thing she told me was that my energy seemed completely different. Like I had a cooler stronger presence.

 

The day after that, I had a spontaneous realisation while listening to music which was even more intense, I was thinking about why people listen to and make music even though it serves no practical use. I had a huge epiphany which turned my entire world inside out. I was thinking, "man, I'd love to make music and art and connect to that fun creative part of myself instead of seeking, if only all my problems got sorted, and all the worlds problems like climate change and war were sorted, then maybe one day I'd like to dedicate my life to creativity and fun instead of worrying all the time." And then I realised, holy shit instead of waiting for every single problem in the world to be fixed before I can be happy, I can just be happy now, and that is what will make everything fall into place! If I stay in the mindset of seeking and end to my problems, I will be seeking for the rest of my life, not fixing any of my problems.

This realisation turned my soul inside out and I finally reconnected to the playful creative part of me that I had cast away for years. This is what my mind and reality should have been like all along instead of seeking an unattainable future, never to be happy. This feels like my true self, more so than any 'me' I've been for years.

 

This awakening has lead to huge protector backlash. pretty much all my protectors resist this new change, and it's quite a challenge to get them to let go. But the fight continues.

I am making so much progress, it feels like the years of work I have put in are paying off, the only time I have felt similar to the way I do now, is after a psychedelic experience. In fact, this whole experience was extremely psychedelic in nature. I am in awe.

 

 

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After a talk with Phil, I had another huge breakthrough. The happiness that I longed for is always here, but by creating the thought that my happiness is dependent on something else, I obscure the happiness.

 

This breakthrough allowed be to unburden a very difficult exile. Instead of being lonely and longing for love, friendship and adventure to happen in the external world, I realised that I already have it within me. I still have the desire for love, friendship, sex, adventure etc. but the desire no longer has any resistance or aversion. This is because I always have it on an emotional and spiritual level. It just has not manifested in the world of symbols that is the material world.  Whether I get it or not, materially I already have the essence of what I want. I really feel like I understand the law of attraction now.

 

Things are not all sunshine and rainbows though, I'm getting intense ego backlash from this breakthrough. Most noticeably, all the cringey, embarrassing and shameful moments from my past are coming up from my subconscious. I find myself cringing over some shit I did seven years ago.

 

 

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It seems I have reached the end of my IFS journey. I have awakened my kundalini and everything is coming out to be healed. See this post for more details.

I am grateful for IFS for creating the groundwork for everything to happen. My life has profoundly changed in ways I could not have imagined. My journey is not over though. It has only just begun!

I will start a new journal about my kundalini experiences and so this will be my last post in this journal. Thank you for reading!

Namaste🙏🌸

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