IFS Shadow work journal part 2: electric boogaloo

[spiritual dreams]

I just unburdened a system of exiles that were interfering with my IFS journey. They were self like parts that took over when I did any IFS work which made it really difficult to connect to parts. The parts would get frustrated, impatient and controlling and would try to force my other parts to unburden. This achieved the opposite effect and made them more defensive. Uncovering this network of parts revealed an exile in my third eye. This exile contained all my frustration with my healing journey.

 Some beliefs that this exile had were:

'I am broken and in need of healing. Because I am broken, I am not worthy of being loved or living a happy life.'

'If I do not heal, I will be miserable forever. I will never get anything I want.'

'I can only start living life once I am completely healed.'

'my parts are in the way of my healing'

When I unburdened this exile it transformed into an intense white ball of energy in my third eye. The ball of energy was extremely tense and my other parts initially resisted this energy.. Slowly they released their resistance allowing it to expand. As is expanded, I felt energy going down my throat down into my lower body. It felt like an energetic vibrating liquid was moving down my throat and as it moved down my body, I felt a huge amount of tension being released in my body. My third eye chakra is now much more open and it really feels like I have a third eye on my forehead. Except it's energetic instead of physical.

Edited May 27, 2023 by spiritual dreams

[spiritual dreams]

I just had my second encounter with my shadow. This time I wasn't scared and I managed to integrate it. The shadow is like the self in a way but of a different energy. The shadow, when integrated is like a dark king that can control and overpower any resisting parts.

Was a very scary experience though. Almost like being possessed.

[spiritual dreams]

My life situation is changing rapidly which is activating a lot of protectors and exiles that I didn't even know were there.

[spiritual dreams]

unburdened a powerful firefighter part responsible for my repressed anger and aggression. This part was there to protect and distract from my exiled feelings of helplessness and humiliation from people who have mistreated me in the past. Once the exile was unburdened, the anger transformed into a positive masculine energy.

[spiritual dreams]

lately, I've been struggling with protector parts that act as the 'self'. These are really difficult to let go as its these parts that are resisting themselves, trying to act as the healer. This really delays healing of other part as they do not have the loving energy of my intrinsic being. It gets even worse when I try to unburden them because they act as the 'healer' trying to unburden themselves. This delays their own unburdening in a vicious feedback loop. I've made some progress but these parts form the core of my ego mind.

I have also been struggling to get protector parts to let go. There are a lot of parts that block access to my exiles because they believe it's too dangerous. It's very difficult to convince them it's safe. Even when an exile is clearly unburdened and there is absolutely no threat, they still do not listen. This makes me frustrated which then makes it even harder to communicate with parts, since the frustration part has taken over.

[spiritual dreams]

I don't know if it's because I've spiritually evolved or regressed but hanging out with the wrong people now feels unbearable.

[spiritual dreams]

During the healing process, all of the bad things I have done in my past start to bubble up. I'm facing evil things I did as a child like torturing a lobster, mistreating a baby and bullying a classmate. (I was a fucked up child). Its like I'm being judged for my sins except I'm the one judging myself.

[Phil]

On a good note, now there’s clarity around karma. 🙂

 

[spiritual dreams]

6 hours ago, Phil said:

On a good note, now there’s clarity around karma. 🙂

Yes, I understand karma a lot better now. If I am unconscious, I may do evil things because I see myself as separate from others. However, awakening and healing, requires me to view everyone I have hurt as one with myself which will cause me guilt and self judgement. And if I don't awaken, I will continue to suffer the pain of separation.

[spiritual dreams]

today i unblocked my heart chakra ever so slightly. The cloud of depression hanging over me has disappeared and my inner world is filled with a sense of space. I am finally able to feel things again and the wall around my heart that prevented people from getting close has dissolved. My heart feels lighter now and the world is more colourful.

 

Several of my protector parts are resisting this new change but I hope that slowly they will acclimate.

[Phil]

On 6/25/2023 at 8:29 PM, spiritual dreams said:

Yes, I understand karma a lot better now. If I am unconscious, I may do evil things because I see myself as separate from others. However, awakening and healing, requires me to view everyone I have hurt as one with myself which will cause me guilt and self judgement. And if I don't awaken, I will continue to suffer the pain of separation.

I wanted to clarify, as perhaps my comment on karma seemed to extend to awakening… 

 

Consciousness is infinite. Therein there isn’t unconscious or unconsciousness and therein evil. It is only from the illusory perspective as separate that awakening could be believed to require someone to view everyone as one with one’s self, or cause guilt or self judgement (or cause anything at all). The notion of a separate self which is or was unconscious, which might awaken in a future, is a framing of awakening as an experience of the separate self, and that is the illusion of separation and the perpetuation of suffering. 

 

As consciousness is infinite, consciousness is conscious ‘of’ only consciousness. Karma is therein the release of or falling away of the illusion of all to the contrary. 

 

6 hours ago, spiritual dreams said:

today i unblocked my heart chakra ever so slightly. The cloud of depression hanging over me has disappeared and my inner world is filled with a sense of space. I am finally able to feel things again and the wall around my heart that prevented people from getting close has dissolved. My heart feels lighter now and the world is more colourful.

 

Several of my protector parts are resisting this new change but I hope that slowly they will acclimate.

Wonderful to hear. 🙏🏻 

 

[spiritual dreams]

On 7/5/2023 at 6:26 AM, Phil said:

Consciousness is infinite. Therein there isn’t unconscious or unconsciousness and therein evil. It is only from the illusory perspective as separate that awakening could be believed to require someone to view everyone as one with one’s self, or cause guilt or self judgement (or cause anything at all). The notion of a separate self which is or was unconscious, which might awaken in a future, is a framing of awakening as an experience of the separate self, and that is the illusion of separation and the perpetuation of suffering. 

i don't understand. if there is an illusory perspective, who or what is experiencing that perspective?

[Phil]

@spiritual dreams

No one. It’s illusory. 🙂

[spiritual dreams]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

@spiritual dreams

No one. It’s illusory. 🙂

how can an illusion exist if there is no one to be decieved by the illusion?

[Phil]

@spiritual dreams

An illusion doesn’t actually exist. It’s illusory. 

[spiritual dreams]

I'm in the middle of quite a big ego backlash right now. I'm feeling a strong feeling of hatred for others. Even when people are nice to me, I assume they have secretly bad intentions or will one day hurt me. It's seems to be a firefighter part that remembers when people I thought were my friends ended up gaslighting me and treating me like shit.

My sexual insecurities are also bubbling up. I find myself being strangely attracted to redpill/blackpill/andrew tate style videos even though I can clearly notice that I feel worse about myself after watching them.

[spiritual dreams]

I find myself fantasizing about running away. Escaping this life and starting anew. The way i am living and thinking right now feels so wrong. Like something is missing. I long to meet someone, fall in love and run away into the sunset. Unfortunately I'm still alone and I have been for my entire life. My protector parts are too scared and for good reason. I've been hurt too much and I don't think I can take another heartbreak. I keep people at a distance because I don't to become attached to them. If I do, they inevitably let me down and hurt me. I want to escape this place and start truly living, meeting real people, appreciating life instead of watching the days go by, numbing myself with distractions. There's got to be something more. I know it.

 

I just feel like, I've been stuck here my whole life
There must be something else out there, waiting, you know?
Just for us
We could run away
Just leave, never look back
I don't even care where we go
Just far away from here
I'll come with you

 

 

Edited July 18, 2023 by spiritual dreams

[spiritual dreams]

i just realised that I have twisted IFS into a way of judging myself. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough the way i am because of so many neurotic parts I have. I feel that if I don't heal myself, I will never be worthy of being loved and I will die alone, forever broken. In many ways I feel even worse than when I started because I wasn't aware of all my parts. 

 

But now that i have realised this, I will treat myself better. I am good enough the way I am. 

[spiritual dreams]

Its been about a year since I've started IFS. Since then I've evolved a great deal but there is still much more i need to dp. My life situation is extremely stressful at the moment. my job is extremely stressful and job security is not guaranteed.

In the midst of this stressful experience I am undergoing a huge energetic transformation. I'm starting to recognize old patterns of thought that have controlled my entire life without me knowing. I am breaking out of them an releasing repressed energy from my lower chakras. I feel myself unravelling. There are protector parts in my third eye chakra that create the illusory egoic thoughts that are being unburdened. They have been there so long that I thought these parts were me! it turns out the me I thought I was, was just a manager part pretending to be me!

I'm going through such a huge transformation that it feels like reality is bending. These stale beliefs that I thought were reality are being exposed as just that: stale beliefs!

I'm noticing a huge backlash from certain parts that resist this new transformation. I find myself having extreme bursts of rage towards society, people that have hurt me in the past, certain people with political views I disagree with etc. There is also a huge pressure at the top of my head in my third eye chakra. It sometimes feels like it's about to burst and it can be quite painful. The energy flowing around my body is so intense that it can sometimes be difficult to sleep. 

 

A big problem is that the more I unburden and heal my parts, the more I uncover even more hidden parts. Some of them have been dictating my life and I didn't even know because I thought that was just the way I was. It's insane. Sometimes I feel like I'm insane by accessing these parts.

 

My parts are the ghosts of my past self that I have left behind. I will not leave any of them behind. It is my responsibility to love myself and my parts until I am full.

[Phil]

Fantastic. For what it’s worth, very relatable. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s so worthwhile. 

If it’s clarifying at all / makes sense / make’s it a bit easier… ‘backlash’ is conceptual. Feeling emotions you never felt isn’t.