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I've been in a program for soon a year where I've been helping out a place for 2-4 hours per day and continued to live on social benefits. I've been able to take a lot of breaks during those hours because of fatigue.
Initially this program was only for six months. They just extended it because they want me to get up to full-time (but really I'm allowed to listen to my body the whole time and just work as much as I can when I'm there). A while ago they extended it until April and said that they maybe will extend it three more months after that. If they wouldn't I would most likely keep on getting money from them while applying for a job so that's why I haven't stressed too much about what to do next month (or really I've just taken that support for granted). But if I don't move somewhere new then I will probably have to take a job where I live and I really don't want to stay in this area & I don't want to stay with my parents. I really created an unnecessary heavy burden (for me & them) when I moved to them. It would be a lot easier for me to heal & forgive if we only met once in awhile.
No idea how I would be able to have a full time job when I'm out of breath from riding my bicycle for ten minutes. 

What I really want to do right now is traveling and to move away from my country. I also feel like I'm not ready for it. I don't even have a plan at all about what I want to be working with and I'm not able to focus on any studies until I function again.
I don't have a plan for what to do at all for the time that is coming. I have nothing fun planned to look forward to either,  other than what's on my Dream board.

It feels so difficult to plan and finish simple tasks when I experience so much brainfog and ruminate/over-think very easily. I struggle a lot with all mental activities like reading/listening etc.
I experience overwhelm or worry just thinking about what I should get done. It's like I've been in almost constant unconscious avoidance about everything that needs to be done. This happens even when it's about fun things I want to do.
When I do focus on something small it seems like it takes up the space of the entire day.
I've been extremely unproductive and I also see myself as lazy. I hate working with things I don't like & I fear responsibility.

I focus on the emotional scale now every morning (I don't always do the whole scale). I meditate. I have a dreamboard, I recently removed everything on it, I started writing down what I want to experience before 'I die'. And on the right side I have started writing down things I want to get done and to the left small steps to take.
I try to take small steps everyday and complete tasks with a timer to keep focus, it's not really working like I want it to but I try.

Idk what advice I'm even looking for.

It felt good to get it off my chest & express.
It seems like it's 'just' about letting go of thoughts and get back to focus on what I need to do but it feels so difficult.
What feels most difficult is to read/listen & figure out/solve/make up a plan about what I need to do next in life when there's so much thought-activity involved.

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On 3/20/2023 at 6:49 PM, Mandy said:

What's the difference between how planning feels, and how dreaming feels? Can you feel sometimes that they don't seem like two different things at all? 

You mean dreaming like the Dream board & writing down plans when feeling inspiration?  

I don't experience that often. Planning feels discordant when there's thoughts about time, expectations and cognitive impairment. 

I did write down some weeks ago about what I wanted to do next month in a way that felt in alignment but it was not about work or money, just enjoyment, obviously because work does not feel good to think about. I also wrote down a lot of questions and tried to make a good plan but I just spiraled into over-thinking and overwhelm when reading it.


I've barely made any progress since I started the thread.

Haven't been doing anything productive today other than going to the stable. 


I just really want to find a way to deeply relax and to sleep a lot.

This experience seems unreal in a weird way and I don't really see the point 

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1 minute ago, noomii said:


This experience seems unreal in a weird way and I don't really see the point 

If you could have it anyway you wanted, would you want to be real, unreal or neither one? If you could have it anyway you wanted would you want there to be a point, an end for everything to be a means to and end to, or would you want to be free to point your focus however you liked? 

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