Planning

[noomii]

I've been in a program for soon a year where I've been helping out a place for 2-4 hours per day and continued to live on social benefits. I've been able to take a lot of breaks during those hours because of fatigue.
Initially this program was only for six months. They just extended it because they want me to get up to full-time (but really I'm allowed to listen to my body the whole time and just work as much as I can when I'm there). A while ago they extended it until April and said that they maybe will extend it three more months after that. If they wouldn't I would most likely keep on getting money from them while applying for a job so that's why I haven't stressed too much about what to do next month (or really I've just taken that support for granted). But if I don't move somewhere new then I will probably have to take a job where I live and I really don't want to stay in this area & I don't want to stay with my parents. I really created an unnecessary heavy burden (for me & them) when I moved to them. It would be a lot easier for me to heal & forgive if we only met once in awhile.
No idea how I would be able to have a full time job when I'm out of breath from riding my bicycle for ten minutes. 

What I really want to do right now is traveling and to move away from my country. I also feel like I'm not ready for it. I don't even have a plan at all about what I want to be working with and I'm not able to focus on any studies until I function again.
I don't have a plan for what to do at all for the time that is coming. I have nothing fun planned to look forward to either,  other than what's on my Dream board.

It feels so difficult to plan and finish simple tasks when I experience so much brainfog and ruminate/over-think very easily. I struggle a lot with all mental activities like reading/listening etc.
I experience overwhelm or worry just thinking about what I should get done. It's like I've been in almost constant unconscious avoidance about everything that needs to be done. This happens even when it's about fun things I want to do.
When I do focus on something small it seems like it takes up the space of the entire day.
I've been extremely unproductive and I also see myself as lazy. I hate working with things I don't like & I fear responsibility.

I focus on the emotional scale now every morning (I don't always do the whole scale). I meditate. I have a dreamboard, I recently removed everything on it, I started writing down what I want to experience before 'I die'. And on the right side I have started writing down things I want to get done and to the left small steps to take.
I try to take small steps everyday and complete tasks with a timer to keep focus, it's not really working like I want it to but I try.

Idk what advice I'm even looking for.

It felt good to get it off my chest & express.
It seems like it's 'just' about letting go of thoughts and get back to focus on what I need to do but it feels so difficult.
What feels most difficult is to read/listen & figure out/solve/make up a plan about what I need to do next in life when there's so much thought-activity involved.
🤮

[Mandy]

What's the difference between how planning feels, and how dreaming feels? Can you feel sometimes that they don't seem like two different things at all? 

[noomii]

On 3/20/2023 at 6:49 PM, Mandy said:

What's the difference between how planning feels, and how dreaming feels? Can you feel sometimes that they don't seem like two different things at all? 

You mean dreaming like the Dream board & writing down plans when feeling inspiration?  

I don't experience that often. Planning feels discordant when there's thoughts about time, expectations and cognitive impairment. 

I did write down some weeks ago about what I wanted to do next month in a way that felt in alignment but it was not about work or money, just enjoyment, obviously because work does not feel good to think about. I also wrote down a lot of questions and tried to make a good plan but I just spiraled into over-thinking and overwhelm when reading it.

 

I've barely made any progress since I started the thread.

Haven't been doing anything productive today other than going to the stable. 

 

I just really want to find a way to deeply relax and to sleep a lot.

This experience seems unreal in a weird way and I don't really see the point 

[Mandy]

1 minute ago, noomii said:

 

This experience seems unreal in a weird way and I don't really see the point 

If you could have it anyway you wanted, would you want to be real, unreal or neither one? If you could have it anyway you wanted would you want there to be a point, an end for everything to be a means to and end to, or would you want to be free to point your focus however you liked? 

[noomii]

On 3/21/2023 at 7:24 PM, Mandy said:

If you could have it anyway you wanted, would you want to be real, unreal or neither one? If you could have it anyway you wanted would you want there to be a point, an end for everything to be a means to and end to, or would you want to be free to point your focus however you liked? 

Unreal or neither one, as long as it means no suffering.

It's frustrating reading about stuff about how I don't even exist when it still very much seems like it, I wish I didn't exist.

What I described as unreal in my previous post was not relief, I think it's just a change in perception from how I feel. 

 

To be free to focus on what I want. It really doesn't seem like I'm free to focus on what I want.

 

[Mandy]

5 hours ago, noomii said:

Unreal or neither one, as long as it means no suffering.

It's frustrating reading about stuff about how I don't even exist when it still very much seems like it, I wish I didn't exist.

What I described as unreal in my previous post was not relief, I think it's just a change in perception from how I feel. 

 

To be free to focus on what I want. It really doesn't seem like I'm free to focus on what I want.

 

I would answer the question neither one. I don't want it to be real, because the consequences would be too scary, too inhibiting, too binding, and I don't want it to be unreal, because then it wouldn't have that charge, that profound authenticity, that chill up your spine, hit with lightning, romance, the thrill of getting the last piece of the puzzle, the aliveness. You want both, don't you?  

 

There's no problem with you existing or not existing, you cannot do either. You are always and forever, neither. Even if you think one or the other. It's not a dualistic, "is it this way or that way? conundrum. There is no conundrum (problem). 

 

Why does it seem like you're not free to focus on what you want?

 

BALLOONS. CIRCUS BEARS. A RAINBOW OVER THE crap I just hit the light on my keyboard where the rainbow light gets turned off, and the whole thing went dark.  Ok, Source has spoken, I was on the wrong track. You're noticing the momentum of what you're thinking about, and in that way you are not free to focus on what you want, I can't feel inspiration if I'm in the emotion of discouragement, but I can feel a little bit better. Reach for feeling a little bit better, and keep doing it and then from that vantage point of nonresistance everything you focus on will be recognized as what you want. When I know what I don't want, I know even more clearly what I do want. I want it all, the mistakes, everything. Like the rainbow light going out on my keyboard as I was describing a rainbow, it's all a message, it's all guidance which dispels the wanted/unwanted duality. 

 

 

[noomii]

On 3/27/2023 at 7:16 PM, Mandy said:

I would answer the question neither one. I don't want it to be real, because the consequences would be too scary, too inhibiting, too binding, and I don't want it to be unreal, because then it wouldn't have that charge, that profound authenticity, that chill up your spine, hit with lightning, romance, the thrill of getting the last piece of the puzzle, the aliveness. You want both, don't you?  

 

There's no problem with you existing or not existing, you cannot do either. You are always and forever, neither. Even if you think one or the other. It's not a dualistic, "is it this way or that way? conundrum. There is no conundrum (problem). 

 

Why does it seem like you're not free to focus on what you want?

 

BALLOONS. CIRCUS BEARS. A RAINBOW OVER THE crap I just hit the light on my keyboard where the rainbow light gets turned off, and the whole thing went dark.  Ok, Source has spoken, I was on the wrong track. You're noticing the momentum of what you're thinking about, and in that way you are not free to focus on what you want, I can't feel inspiration if I'm in the emotion of discouragement, but I can feel a little bit better. Reach for feeling a little bit better, and keep doing it and then from that vantage point of nonresistance everything you focus on will be recognized as what you want. When I know what I don't want, I know even more clearly what I do want. I want it all, the mistakes, everything. Like the rainbow light going out on my keyboard as I was describing a rainbow, it's all a message, it's all guidance which dispels the wanted/unwanted duality. 

 

 

I'm not in flow with replying quick at all, there's questions coming up in me though when I read that. Just wanted to let you know I read that and also I liked your latest YT-video about noticing mild emotions and turning to how one wants to feel. ☀️

[Mandy]

@noomii ❤️ Yeah, it was a lot in a response, I kinda let loose with that one. 😂 Feel free to ask if anything comes up though. 

[noomii]

I feel so discouraged about my progress. I feel irritated about how Mandy and Phil makes it seem so easy to get in alignment and to quickly complete tasks.
Meditation haven't helped me yet for some reason and I still over-think so easily.
It's so frustrating how I'm really trying to do my best but it's not enough. I would probably be healthier if I would try less too.

I need a finished plan for July because then it's time for a new job and moving somewhere else. I guess the more pressure I feel the more I will force myself to do everything that needs to be done and it will work out. It's just that I feel so much worry and fear, it feels very difficult to force myself to do things when I feel so out of alignment and out of focus.
 

On 3/27/2023 at 7:16 PM, Mandy said:

Why does it seem like you're not free to focus on what you want?

It doesn't seem like I can freely focus on what I want because I can't focus on reading or listening easily even when I really try to focus. It's a lot easier now if I compare it to how its been for three years but if I will be like this for the rest of my life then I think I'll be very uneducated, unworthy and just not experience the life I want because of lack of knowledge. People will think I'm unintelligent. I don't really take those words as serious when I write them here, I just wanted to vent.

It seems like what I'm learning here is to let go of being motivated by guilt and unworthiness to learn or improve.

If I could focus freely I also think I would live how I truly want already and always. It would feel easy to focus on what I want at all times. I feel irritated about all this "just focus on what you want" when it seems so out of my control.

I experience pessimism and thoughts about how I don't want to be alive most days. I wish I could get help, I've just not been seeking out help anymore because I usually think it's too much work to get the kind of help I want.

I recently won a lottery where I got to buy a membership for a co-creative event (based on the ten priniciples of Burning man) for July. It's a whole week with co-creation in nature. Workshops, performances, art, music and a lot more.
I felt overwhelmed and thought I would not go first because it means I need to get involved in the dreaming, planning and creating. I didn't want to miss out so I bought it anyways and I could sell it if I want to.
I've been at smaller events in their community but this is way bigger.
Maybe I'm not even ready, they want people who are willing to take a lot of responsibility, help and contribute, while I'm here struggling to read through the information.