noomii Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 I've been in a program for soon a year where I've been helping out a place for 2-4 hours per day and continued to live on social benefits. I've been able to take a lot of breaks during those hours because of fatigue. Initially this program was only for six months. They just extended it because they want me to get up to full-time (but really I'm allowed to listen to my body the whole time and just work as much as I can when I'm there). A while ago they extended it until April and said that they maybe will extend it three more months after that. If they wouldn't I would most likely keep on getting money from them while applying for a job so that's why I haven't stressed too much about what to do next month (or really I've just taken that support for granted). But if I don't move somewhere new then I will probably have to take a job where I live and I really don't want to stay in this area & I don't want to stay with my parents. I really created an unnecessary heavy burden (for me & them) when I moved to them. It would be a lot easier for me to heal & forgive if we only met once in awhile. No idea how I would be able to have a full time job when I'm out of breath from riding my bicycle for ten minutes. What I really want to do right now is traveling and to move away from my country. I also feel like I'm not ready for it. I don't even have a plan at all about what I want to be working with and I'm not able to focus on any studies until I function again. I don't have a plan for what to do at all for the time that is coming. I have nothing fun planned to look forward to either, other than what's on my Dream board. It feels so difficult to plan and finish simple tasks when I experience so much brainfog and ruminate/over-think very easily. I struggle a lot with all mental activities like reading/listening etc. I experience overwhelm or worry just thinking about what I should get done. It's like I've been in almost constant unconscious avoidance about everything that needs to be done. This happens even when it's about fun things I want to do. When I do focus on something small it seems like it takes up the space of the entire day. I've been extremely unproductive and I also see myself as lazy. I hate working with things I don't like & I fear responsibility. I focus on the emotional scale now every morning (I don't always do the whole scale). I meditate. I have a dreamboard, I recently removed everything on it, I started writing down what I want to experience before 'I die'. And on the right side I have started writing down things I want to get done and to the left small steps to take. I try to take small steps everyday and complete tasks with a timer to keep focus, it's not really working like I want it to but I try. Idk what advice I'm even looking for. It felt good to get it off my chest & express. It seems like it's 'just' about letting go of thoughts and get back to focus on what I need to do but it feels so difficult. What feels most difficult is to read/listen & figure out/solve/make up a plan about what I need to do next in life when there's so much thought-activity involved.🤮 Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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