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Believing that there is something wrong with me.


Kevin
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So I feel pretty stuck. I see how what is focused is what is most important because that will keep showing up. For some reason though I keep focusing on negative things. Things that feel bad to focus on. Then a loop happens where I know that the reason that I keep focusing on negative stuff is that there is something wrong with me. Of course I can’t point to that person who is terrible but it’s felt somehow still. Like the only reason I focus on all these negative things like people are judging me and I’m a loser, etc, is because there is something wrong with me.

 

Another part of the dynamic at play is I find something that I enjoy. Jiu jitsu or making music for example. The. I hyper fixate on that thing. The hyper fixation itself isn’t necessarily a problem. I actually think it’s good because I’ll get to where I want to be. The problem is that the reason I hyper fixate is because I believe that my life sucks and I’m unlikable as a person. But I believe that if I became a world champion in jiu jitsu or if I became a famous musician then maybe people would like me. Maybe girls would like me. All very negative things to think about myself. The interpretation is that I only focus on such terrible things because there is something wrong with me. And I can fix this by being a famous musician or a top level bjj competitor. But then that whole collection of thoughts takes some of the joy out of both activities.

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The sense that there is something wrong, is that there is something "wrong" with the thought currently focused on. It's not with you.

 

By what standard is fame or what constitutes the top level measured? Who is the most famous top level person in the realm of curling? If someone is famous in some category you don't care about and don't know much about, is their success any less? Isn't it that your appreciation or love for the thing is prior to your imagination of people within that realm having success? 

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6 hours ago, Mandy said:

The sense that there is something wrong, is that there is something "wrong" with the thought currently focused on. It's not with you.

 

By what standard is fame or what constitutes the top level measured? Who is the most famous top level person in the realm of curling? If someone is famous in some category you don't care about and don't know much about, is their success any less? Isn't it that your appreciation or love for the thing is prior to your imagination of people within that realm having success? 

I think what I am doing is thinking that I’m bad or that there is something wrong with me and then instead of questioning that, I then decide that if I become a very successful musician then that will make up for the problems that I have. I’m stacking garbage on garbage.

 

And yeah I like making music and jiu jitsu for their own sake. Like on their own they are fun activities but I guess I’m looking for a way to feel better too.

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5 hours ago, Phil said:

Which emotion is felt? 

 

What about the same as, parallel… as opposed to not as good as or must be better than?

Insecurity, guilt and despair.

 

parallel makes sense. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to see that in my life.

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1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Insecurity, guilt and despair.

It makes sense.

Security can’t be found in comparison thoughts, as thought is fleeting & ever-changing. The guidance of insecurity is back to security, in the allowing of the emotion as guidance. The guilt would make sense too. It feels about as good to judge as it does to be judged. The guidance is to the security of unconditional non-judgement truth. The despair would make sense as well. Seeking security in the activity of thought about selves is a truly hopeless endeavor. It’s like trying to make This that. This is whole already & has no need for that. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

 

parallel makes sense. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to see that in my life.

It’s cause you’re the devil. 🤷 

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2 hours ago, Phil said:

It makes sense.

Security can’t be found in comparison thoughts, as thought is fleeting & ever-changing. The guidance of insecurity is back to security, in the allowing of the emotion as guidance. The guilt would make sense too. It feels about as good to judge as it does to be judged. The guidance is to the security of unconditional non-judgement truth. The despair would make sense as well. Seeking security in the activity of thought about selves is a truly hopeless endeavor. It’s like trying to make This that. This is whole already & has no need for that. 

 

It’s cause you’re the devil. 🤷 

Thank you Phil. 🙏 

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