fopylo Posted November 2, 2022 Share Posted November 2, 2022 All I want is to be able to feel warm inside, always. To not be afraid when talking to people. All I want is to feel myself, to live from the heart and be me. All I want is to know what it love. It has been ages since I've really loved something, and it is daunting recently. I can't allow myself to feel love for any family member (some I just don't like, and some I just can't trust). The only thing I can love is my cute dog, but if my father is near me then it is very difficult to show my affection. I never knew what is true friendship, what is true brotherhood, what is true family love because I never really got to experience much of this. The only reason I can even talk about wishing it is because I might have a few abandoned remnants in my mind of what it feels like from when I was a toddler. I also forgot how it feels to cry. This might be the peak of restrain/resistance, since it is similar to love. Last time I've cried it was like 3 years ago at my grandfather's funeral (but not so much, because still there were people around). Sometimes you have those emotional scenes in movies that do make me feel something strong, but there's always a barrier that won't release it to tears. Honestly I've really tried letting myself, but just tears don't come out. Man, I've been missing so much. Seeing all those kids having fun, living. Seeing all the people my age express and be comfortable in their own skin around others... Why am I the only screwed one? I guess god had to fuck me up somehow, no? This might be suppressing... I don't know. In like a week I'm supposed to meet the new people from the course I'll be doing, and I'm kinda nervous, thinking maybe doing lots of meditation will help have a better edge when the rubber hits the road and socializing time has come. All I want is an easy life. All I want is a peaceful life. All I want is an exciting life, of living how I truly want to live; I want a life of purpose and following my dreams. It shouldn't be that hard, I know that. But please, how long is it still gonna be like that? How long will I need to wait? Not experiencing love and crying before the age of 30? I am scared of other people. A strong physique with a weak endurance; A strong persona with a weak soul. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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