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It's just all I want, please


fopylo
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All I want is to be able to feel warm inside, always. To not be afraid when talking to people.

All I want is to feel myself, to live from the heart and be me.

All I want is to know what it love. It has been ages since I've really loved something, and it is daunting recently. I can't allow myself to feel love for any family member (some I just don't like, and some I just can't trust). The only thing I can love is my cute dog, but if my father is near me then it is very difficult to show my affection. I never knew what is true friendship, what is true brotherhood, what is true family love because I never really got to experience much of this. The only reason I can even talk about wishing it is because I might have a few abandoned remnants in my mind of what it feels like from when I was a toddler.

 

I also forgot how it feels to cry. This might be the peak of restrain/resistance, since it is similar to love. Last time I've cried it was like 3 years ago at my grandfather's funeral (but not so much, because still there were people around). Sometimes you have those emotional scenes in movies that do make me feel something strong, but there's always a barrier that won't release it to tears. Honestly I've really tried letting myself, but just tears don't come out.

 

Man, I've been missing so much.

Seeing all those kids having fun, living. Seeing all the people my age express and be comfortable in their own skin around others... Why am I the only screwed one? I guess god had to fuck me up somehow, no? This might be suppressing... I don't know.

In like a week I'm supposed to meet the new people from the course I'll be doing, and I'm kinda nervous, thinking maybe doing lots of meditation will help have a better edge when the rubber hits the road and socializing time has come.

All I want is an easy life.

All I want is a peaceful life.

All I want is an exciting life, of living how I truly want to live;

I want a life of purpose and following my dreams.

It shouldn't be that hard, I know that. But please, how long is it still gonna be like that?

How long will I need to wait? Not experiencing love and crying before the age of 30?

I am scared of other people.

A strong physique with a weak endurance;

A strong persona with a weak soul.

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11 hours ago, fopylo said:

All I want is to be able to feel warm inside, always. To not be afraid when talking to people.

To be without fear, be with it. Receive the guidance. Non-ignor-ance. 

 

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

I can't allow myself

Careful with imposing limitations via the separate self of thought. There is no need to link (or perhaps to continue to link) trust & love. When trust is sincere it doesn’t even come up, when trust is conceptual it is claimed to be paramount. Love is what’s appearing as the conceptualization; trust. Therein veiling itself of itself with itself. 

 

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

I also forgot how it feels to cry. This might be the peak of restrain/resistance, since it is similar to love. Last time I've cried it was like 3 years ago at my grandfather's funeral (but not so much, because still there were people around). Sometimes you have those emotional scenes in movies that do make me feel something strong, but there's always a barrier that won't release it to tears. Honestly I've really tried letting myself, but just tears don't come out.

Notice the contingency held is that there are people. Maybe that’s an assumption. 

 

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

Why am I the only screwed one? I guess god had to fuck me up somehow, no? This might be suppressing... I don't know.

The believing of that thought (I’m screwed up) is a self referential belief. That God did this to you is the projection of the discord of the thought. How do you expect to feel the God-Love you are, while believing thoughts that you’re separate… and bad mouthing the God-love you are? God-love infinitely abundant and unconditional. Allow alignment. 🤍

 

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

In like a week I'm supposed to meet the new people from the course I'll be doing, and I'm kinda nervous, thinking maybe doing lots of meditation will help have a better edge when the rubber hits the road and socializing time has come.

The discordant thoughts are really the thoughts about other people, but about yourself. The emotions are felt. Express the emotions to release the self referential beliefs. Don’t settle for the assumption the emotions felt are caused by the people. 

 

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

I want a life of purpose and following my dreams.

Allow Love & happiness to be the purpose of life, and create a dreamboard as the creator you are. 

 

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

It shouldn't be that hard, I know that. But please, how long is it still gonna be like that?

How long will I need to wait? Not experiencing love and crying before the age of 30?

I am scared of other people.

Inspect beliefs. Consider fear is an emotion you’re creating, and inspect how. Notice what thoughts feel off and inspect why. 

 

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

A strong physique with a weak endurance;

A strong persona with a weak soul.

Don’t blame a soul lol, inspect! 

What if that ‘soul’ is the love sought, while you’re believing discordant thoughts about ‘it’?

 

 

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@Phil

On 11/2/2022 at 2:23 PM, Phil said:

To be without fear, be with it. Receive the guidance. Non-ignor-ance.

Could you give an example?

On 11/2/2022 at 2:11 AM, fopylo said:

The only thing I can love is my cute dog, but if my father is near me then it is very difficult to show my affection.

I forgot to mention that sometimes I get very much engaged with the music I'm listening to and get those peak experiences when listening to music and falling in love with it. I love my dog and I love music. Here, I found 2 things I love, but I can't genuinely love another person. I just can't, and it is a little scary and too much for me.

 

On 11/2/2022 at 2:23 PM, Phil said:

When trust is sincere it doesn’t even come up, when trust is conceptual it is claimed to be paramount. Love is what’s appearing as the conceptualization; trust. Therein veiling itself of itself with itself.

I kinda lost you...😅 Could you maybe simplify it a bit?

 

On 11/2/2022 at 2:23 PM, Phil said:

Notice the contingency held is that there are people. Maybe that’s an assumption.

Do you think the belief in people and others is what's stopping me from expressing myself fully?

 

On 11/2/2022 at 2:23 PM, Phil said:

The believing of that thought (I’m screwed up) is a self referential belief. That God did this to you is the projection of the discord of the thought. How do you expect to feel the God-Love you are, while believing thoughts that you’re separate… and bad mouthing the God-love you are? God-love infinitely abundant and unconditional. Allow alignment. 🤍

Then why is it easier for some people (bear with me with that word for a moment) to let go of thoughts and for other people it is harder. Some individuals have an easier time meditating while others have a hard time releasing discordant thoughts?

On 11/2/2022 at 2:11 AM, fopylo said:

thinking maybe doing lots of meditation will help have a better edge when the rubber hits the road and socializing time has come.

... as well as fitness.

 

On 11/2/2022 at 2:23 PM, Phil said:
On 11/2/2022 at 2:11 AM, fopylo said:

In like a week I'm supposed to meet the new people from the course I'll be doing, and I'm kinda nervous, thinking maybe doing lots of meditation will help have a better edge when the rubber hits the road and socializing time has come.

The discordant thoughts are really the thoughts about other people, but about yourself. The emotions are felt. Express the emotions to release the self referential beliefs. Don’t settle for the assumption the emotions felt are caused by the people. 

Holy shit bro, my pattern of thinking of other people is overflowing all over what I'm writing. The discordant thoughts are really about other people, forgetting myself. This gets me wondering: Is expressing done from the 'place' of me, like from the me standpoint, as "the center of the world"?

So when you say "Express the emotions to release the self-referential beliefs" do you mean to return to myself and speak/be true?

On 11/2/2022 at 2:23 PM, Phil said:

Allow Love & happiness to be the purpose of life

It is, as seen from the original post.

 

On 11/2/2022 at 2:23 PM, Phil said:

and inspect why.

Thinking of reasons never helps, just creates more beliefs.

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1 hour ago, fopylo said:

All I want is to be able to feel warm inside, always. To not be afraid when talking to people.

To be without fear, be with it. Receive the guidance. Non-ignor-ance.

Could you give an example?

Essentially, believing thoughts is favored as compared to receiving the guidance, and this is not yet noticed. In believing the thoughts, the assumption you aren’t already warm inside is believed. Question what is actual, what is true. See if that thought is true. Hold an ice cube in your hand, see what happens. Stick a thermometer in your mouth. Actually check. After checking, wonder who that thought was even about, and have a relieving laugh at the absurd hilarity of believing thoughts. 

 

Likewise, “All I want is… to not be afraid when talking to people”.

You’re the one feeling, experiencing the emotion, fear - yes?

But your claim is there is another you, ‘the one’ who is not experiencing an emotion - the “one who is afraid”. 

Where is this one you speak of? Look under the beds. Check the closets. It’s ok to be literal. It’s ok to laugh. 

 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

When trust is sincere it doesn’t even come up, when trust is conceptual it is claimed to be paramount. Love is what’s appearing as the conceptualization; trust. Therein veiling itself of itself with itself.

I kinda lost you...😅 Could you maybe simplify it a bit?

Find trust in perception and or sensation. Once it’s found, ask again. 

 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Do you think the belief in people and others is what's stopping me from expressing myself fully?

Notice the contingency held is that there are thinkers. Maybe that’s an assumption.

 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Then why is it easier for some people (bear with me with that word for a moment) to let go of thoughts and for other people it is harder. Some individuals have an easier time meditating while others have a hard time releasing discordant thoughts?

Notice the contingency held is that there are individuals meditating. Maybe that’s an assumption.

Consider the picking up of a 200 pound weight. Indeed, for some this is easier, for some this is harder, for some this is not possible. 

Now consider the 200 pound weight is already held. Imagine this 200 pound weight in your hands right now. Clench your fists as hard as you can right now. Mimic the contraction of holding the weight. 

How easy or hard is dropping it / un-clenching?

What effort was or is involved?

 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

So when you say "Express the emotions to release the self-referential beliefs" do you mean to return to myself and speak/be true?

Did you leave yourself? 

 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Allow Love & happiness to be the purpose of life.

It is, as seen from the original post.

 

“I want a life of purpose and following my dreams.”

Allow. 

 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Thinking of reasons never helps, just creates more beliefs.

Notice what thoughts feel off and inspect why.

Not, “think of reasons”. 

 

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@Phil

7 hours ago, Phil said:

Essentially, believing thoughts is favored as compared to receiving the guidance, and this is not yet noticed.

Why is it like that though?

7 hours ago, Phil said:

You’re the one feeling, experiencing the emotion, fear - yes?

Yes. I mean, feeling only fear can get boring. There's also a lot of conceptualizing emotions which makes it all tricky.

7 hours ago, Phil said:

Notice the contingency held is that there are thinkers. Maybe that’s an assumption.

Yes! On point man. This is deriving from the assumption there are other people (who judge), and because they're not stupid animals of course they think and have opinions. So yeah, I do believe that there are thinkers. Perhaps that's also what restrains me from fully living - those beliefs under the category of 'other'.

But you know what?

This then got me questioning... How do you know I am experiencing, feeling an emotion, experience thoughts, perceiving?

How do you know the same for you applies to me? How can I know the same for me applies to you?

Everything you've ever experienced has only been through your senses, Phil's senses; but not through any other to know for sure that "suffering = thought attachment", "Morning meditation is a game killer", assuming we all agree on what is a thought and we all experience it the same way...

7 hours ago, Phil said:

How easy or hard is dropping it / un-clenching?

What effort was or is involved?

Well, a little bit of effort if I'm in the groove and got used to it (even if the release feels a little better), but not much effort if it hurts.

 

7 hours ago, Phil said:

inspect

then what do you mean by that?

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13 hours ago, fopylo said:

Why is it like that though?

Infinite can not know finite, and this is absolute. Infinite forgets it’s infinitude by being creation, and in forgetting believes there is some ‘thing’ knowable, that it knows any thing at all.. while ‘it’ itself is still in fact infinite-knowingness… being the very ‘things’ it believes it knows.. which are actually thoughts infinite being is appearing as. Hence the ‘way-less way’ / ‘empty your cup’, allowing the activity of thought to settle, and reality as ‘it’ is remaining. Or, when all beliefs are dispelled… of course only the Truth can remain. 

 

 

13 hours ago, fopylo said:

Yes. I mean, feeling only fear can get boring. There's also a lot of conceptualizing emotions which makes it all tricky.

Not ‘you’re the one feeling which is fear’… you’re The One, The Infinite Creator, experiencing ‘emotions’, of which ‘fear’ is one. 

 

 

13 hours ago, fopylo said:

Yes! On point man. This is deriving from the assumption there are other people (who judge), and because they're not stupid animals of course they think and have opinions. So yeah, I do believe that there are thinkers. Perhaps that's also what restrains me from fully living - those beliefs under the category of 'other'.

But you know what?

This then got me questioning... How do you know I am experiencing, feeling an emotion, experience thoughts, perceiving?

Difference is illusory. 

 

Going from there are no thinkers to ‘stupid animals’ is too much of a pendulum swing. Animals are infinite intelligence. Animals have no ignorance. ‘Humans’, so to speak, believe thoughts, and therein that there are thinkers, and therein that there are “animals”, and this is The Ignorance. From this ignorance of believing thoughts, the belief in “identity” spawns as; the thinker, intellectuals, philosophers, geniuses, smart people, stupid people, people, humans, separate selves, doers, movers, etc. 

 

“Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” 

- Jesus

 

There is no restraint from as you say, ‘fully living’ - but “thought” makes it seem so. There isn’t the “me” or the “that” of “perhaps that is what restrains me from fully living”. 

 

I know exactly what you’re experiencing because I am ‘that’. When you self-inspect to absolute, you’ve seen through your self completely. When one shortcuts, all which remains uninspected, remains. (There are no shortcuts, such as psychedelics etc.) When you’ve seen through your self completely, you’ve simultaneously seen through every one else as well. If there was / is a foundation of meditation, and thus cessation, so to speak, the brain and body are re-wired, and if & when thoughts arise, they aren’t believed, and more relevantly, aren’t identified with nor dis-identified with. There is then, which is now, only peace, happiness, love, bliss, and of course, not even. 

 

 

13 hours ago, fopylo said:

How do you know the same for you applies to me? How can I know the same for me applies to you?

Separation is illusory. 

 

 

 

13 hours ago, fopylo said:

Everything you've ever experienced has only been through your senses, Phil's senses; but not through any other to know for sure that "suffering = thought attachment", "Morning meditation is a game killer", assuming we all agree on what is a thought and we all experience it the same way...

Your senses, Phil’s senses, any other, we all, some thing which could be known (for sure), we experience it - are all thoughts, beliefs, assumptions. 

“Morning meditation is a game killer” is a very odd statement. Analogous to the true nature, this is like wanting to be fit and stating “morning exercise is a game killer”. 

 

13 hours ago, fopylo said:

Thinking of reasons never helps, just creates more beliefs.

Notice what thoughts feel off and inspect why.

Not, “think of reasons”. 

then what do you mean by that?

Question why any specific thought feels off or discordant. Like breadcrumbs ‘to’ the truth, but more literally not to… more sonoluminescent… allowing truth.  

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