I just can't... My life is so GREAT! Why??

[fopylo]

I don't feel like elaborating too much, but ever since I was a young kid I kinda had this vision in my mind of how my life will very generally look like, kinda vague but also kinda not.

In this vision/story for example I am good friends with my first friend in school (1st grade. We stopped contact at like grade 4), and then I won't be seeing him for quite a while. Each one going on his own adventure, and just for some reason not seeing each other for a very very long time. We will only meet again as adults (like in our 30's or 40's) to reunite.

So something similar happened:

We've actually had a trip together with our previous guider after I finished camp (has been some time since I've seen him, and there was some excitement) and I really suffered there and hated the way he treated me (I actually made a post on that). My theory is that at some point in the future we will meet again, but currently don't feel like it.

 

Also I've dreamt (in this story) that I'll have a very powerful leadership role and do very meaningful things, probably something army related, or just something serious. I've been given at first a shitty job, and I had the option to go to some autistic program which I thought very negatively about (all that labeling, you know). Turns out this program is the best thing that I could ever ask for! I'm getting emotional over it. It gave me the opportunity to experience the best bootcamp I could experience (even harder and more serious than what some 'regular' soldiers go through). And let's just say I got probably one of the best fields you could possibly ever get in the army. I would consider it the best thing in the army. Super meaningful, and gives this unique feeling of action + classified tech (don't want to say much).

I am in this euphoria.

I am going to do something so fucking meaningful.

There's probably also the relation to my desire for being an officer. How cool would it be to be a leader in something so interesting?

I really hope to become an officer. I'll put effort into it. Probably I gotta chill a little bit cause I dunno shit yet cuz I didn't even start yet lol.

 

Also I'm surrounded with great friends that I can speak more honestly to. I've been opening up more and more.

I've been accepting my more 'twisted' taste in sexual desire and porn.

 

I feel so glad and lucky as hell to be me!

Is this narcissism?

I've always been humble and respectful.

I want to understand what the fuck is this dream/narrative I've had as a kid.

As time passes I'm starting to think of it more as a future teller, some kind of magic. I don't know.

It drives me crazy the more I try to think about it, but in the higher emotions, you know.

[fopylo]

The funny thing is that day or a few later I might be like "My life sucks and I never accomplish what I want! I simply want to be an artist/musician but am overwhelmed by perfectionistic standards"